Begging for Punishment

I’m at the edge of the precipice again… Last time I stood here I wrote that letter to Ben knowing full well the chain reaction of events would lead to a devastating level of revival towards healing, believing if I pushed past the point of transparency I’d find my way back, and I did… Now here I am again, and the clock is ticking. Just a few more days and my possessions will be in storage, I’ll have a family gym membership so I can shower, and a tent so we can sleep on the air mattress… In truth it’s all my fault, but Alex begs me to see otherwise… But it is. Once again I made the mistake of trusting people with something that could have fallen apart (and did). Instead of budgeting to live with someone, I should have moved out in February after fixing the car, but I really thought I’d be in a different position. By the same token however, I don’t want to be in a shelter. With a tent I can say I’m camping with my kiddo, and in truth it’ll end up being a spiritual journey inward wrestling with these emotions, which is probably what I need. Where the weather is warm enough, Sy too will be warm and fed and happy, and as long as he’s clean, healthy, and happy, then who cares. I just need to make sure whatever family gym I sign up for has a pool for us, and considering all the shit I’ve been getting for my weight lately, it’s not such a bad idea, though not the reason I wish to change my temple. 


To my grandmother and the asshole online who reminds me so much of Josh, fuck both of you. “Do you know how many times carol made your grandmother cry?” Why no, I don’t, because for the past 5 years she should have had enough distance between us to not talk about me on a daily basis. To put fault on me for her tears is the prevention and inability to take ownership of ones emotions, and I don’t give a shit if she comes from a different generation, I’m proud of my curves. In the right outfit I look amazing! As for the online guy who was claiming to be this amazing guy, labeling yourself as “alpha” tells me how sexism has negatively impacted who you are, and if you acknowledge I’m amazing but can’t look beyond something you’ve never seen, then maybe you’re 38 and single for a reason. That’s fine that you have your own taste in women, but I need a man to love my soul where it matters, and clearly you ain’t it. 


Crap, I meant to grab my charcoal and my sketch book… I’ve started reading the artists way, and it’s a little tough to stomach because the spiritual principles remind me of the Christian conditioning I endured, but I’m tying to stomach my way through it (when I’m not feeling dizzy from the immense eye rolling). I also got her book right to write since I am a blogger, and it seems like there’s so many ways to get published thatbitnwould be nice to get a book out there… Meh. Who knows. At this point I need to make space to write more personalized letters to the people and situations I’m wounded by to purge this emotional energy out of me and drain the dam of tears that’s pressure cooking at this point, but it’s been tough to find time and make space when alone time is being zapped away. 

Carpe Dieum 

When Nurturing the Past

Is it in the stars? The planetary alignment is out of wack?

Is it just that time of the month?

Is it grief needing to be exposed? 

For whatever reason I went from being emotional today to just crying in front of destiny, and I feel so bad about it. I know I shouldn’t – she’s opened up everything about herself, and I listened with care looking to discern and understand. Today it went from hear about the significant level of injustices that occur within her life to me explaining how even with my degrees and level of education and psycho analysis, there are times that even with an explanation and an answer I still don’t understand… Then I opened up about my mother. It’s a tale I’ve retold over and over again, so why would I cry this time? I’ve cried in the past, I’ve told it a million times over to the point of desensitization, and here I am again. 


Then the shame kicked in, needing to apologize to destiny for crying, for dumping my stuff on her when she’s done it to me a million times over, feeling as if I should be strong in this moment and strong because of who I am… And I know they’re just lies. It’s not the truth. Then Josh’s comment came back to me… “Stop apologizing for everything. Be confident.” Boy I don’t know if I wanna deck you or apologize even more or hug you or all of it, which makes me laugh strangely enough because I know he’s  coming from a good place, but I could just deck him…

Tonight will have to be a self-care night. A shower, more journaling if need be, some tea, and more answers. It sucks because I should be holding these emotions and sitting with them, but mentally it’s almost as if my self-care is more of a purging of emotions rather than holding them… Or perhaps those tears were enough and I don’t have to carry them for so long. I just don’t know. 

Indications


Yesterday I did a tarot reading for Sarah, confirming what I had been sensing for a while now based on her spread – she too is ready for spiritual ascension. She’s beginning to drudge through the past and her anxieties to become her most authentic self. When I saw her today she was so bright – her own light shining from the inside out. All smiles and warmth. It was such a good energy. Healing. Inviting. I saw Josh For a new minutes today too… It wasn’t enough. It never is. There was something very genuine in him through his interactions… I mean, all he did was talk about his family for a minute and fill me in on how life was going… Bills and so on… But as I walked away my satisfaction in seeing him however brief turned into longing again, since I won’t be working with him till Thursday. Now every little thing just pisses me off, I can’t handle being touched, and all I want is a hug for him. I’m kicking myself for having not given him one yet when I know he wants one too. 😛


Although my time with Sarah brought me back to center briefly, which was necessary, I feel I’m somewhat at war with myself over him. From a codependency perspective I don’t want to lose myself in my fixation, lust, and fascination with him, but I do want so badly to get to know him more. Time spent with Sarah was its own form of self-care, and prompted me to ask for a reading from a friend of mine about Josh and myself since my judgement was clouded. From her Oracle deck, she drew 2 cards reaffirming what I knew to be true. The first was a card about the goddess Venus and mentioned twin flames in the description, making it known that I am blessed and on the right path. The second was a boundaries card! Heh, go figure. I should probably do some spell work tonight and take a “salt bath” (salt shower really since I don’t own a tub), and find a spell to cast… Probably bless my tapestry too for protection. 


Right now I’m bored as hell with nothing to do and no one to hang out with. It truly sucks. 

Soul Baring

Why does falling for someone have this weird obsessive intensity to it? For the past couple of days I find myself wanting to lie in bed and think of him… Endless sarcasm, deeper connections, too many positions and bedroom games that I’ve rehearsed before I’ve ever laid a finger on him. 


Thankfully he likes me too – winking at me, starting me down, showing up in my line and joking away, creating a list of adventures for us to take next month, calling me out cause he wants to be touched too, and so on. Short of flat out saying it he’s told me in every other way possible, which is humorous considering he’s all “tell it to me straight because I hate having to dissect information and figure it out”. He’s a georgeous and complicated piece of work whose vibrational energy seems ignite and awaken something so much healthier than what I’ve ever known. The closer I long to be the more awareness I have towards so little I know of him, but from what I’ve been able to dissect there’s just a healthy enough of a balance to maintain individuality and joining while still learning and growing. I can tell I’m nearing the dirty 30 prime because I physically have a hard time containing how primal my lust seems to be at present, and the cliche of what feels like a burning fire within suddenly is no longer cliche, and the potency of teenage longing feels like child play, making it difficult to maintain eye contact with him at times, which I know he perceives as a reflect of low self-esteem to some extent, but boy I’ve never felt so nervous about the feelings and sensations I have within me. 


In truth, although I asked my tarot cards what the future holds between us, and I was shocked to see the lovers right there in plain sight I still held disbelief that he’d ever look my way… It’s just so strange, and the unfolding of us seems so agonizingly slow at this point, perhaps to teach me a lesson about myself as destiny writes itself on the pages of fate. For now and for the next couple of days, I need to resolve to return to self – It’s the only way I’m going to be able to maintain myself and contain the illusion of strength while descending into someing much darker and richer emotionally than I ever thought could exist. 


If only my understanding of the realms of love and emotion for men didn’t seem like such a mystery, maybe then I’d have a better idea of what I’m doing rather than chasing the safest energy path in blind trust. Visions and beliefs begin to manifest that perhaps the pain and bullshit I’ve experienced will contextually make sense when faced with the reality of you – the resonance of what seems and feels like a twin flame becoming a reality. I’m not seeking to be completed, because I see what makes me whole quite clearly now… But… It’s just so hard to explain. I don’t know. Im at a loss, but comfortable in the darkness right now… The realm of intellectual unknowing because emotionally, I feel comfort cause somehow I know where this is where I need to be; a trust in the process without knowing what the process is. 


Dear Josh, I can only hope on some level you feel how raw, carnal, and primal this energy is… You told me you chose a path of celibacy because you’re waiting for “the one”. Romantic in its own right, and self-protection on another, all I heard was that I’d need to work twice as hard for anything to happen between us. Luckily, I’m a hard worker, but damn… I had no idea how difficult this was going to be. ❤️

Alone in a Coffee Shop

I’m surprised, geniunley shocked that I have alone time before work to write this morning. Having a car back has been bliss, and I’ve bought so many reading materials it’s gonna take a while to get through them all – from 365 ways to raise your vibration, to the artists ways creativity cards & her right to write book, poetry on the beauty of mourning, books on reiki and energy healing, a new tarot deck, connecting with the dark goddess, and more. 


My life in 1 month went from my roommates moving out and having no one, to constantly being booked with “let’s hang out” from people I love. Isobel even asked me out on a date yesterday! It’s funny cause when I first met her I though she swung both ways, then found out she was in a relationship with a guy, then find out yesterday she does swing both ways and because she’s on month 10 of no sex in her relationship, her and her man agreed to an open relationship, and she’s looking. I on the other hand had a goal this year of trying to be with a woman so I can finally have closure on my bisexuality, since I’ve always been attracted to women, have made out with them, and want to know what it’s like. It’s strange… Never would I thought I’d be contemplating someone in an open relationship because of how monogamous I am, but where neither of us are certain of what we want and where we’re going, the title gives room for a level of exploration and freedom I wouldn’t have had otherwise. I need to find a sitter, but I’m very excited! As for Josh I’m pretty hardcore into the friend zone, and I don’t know what to make of it. I do have feelings for him, but I also acknowledge that I don’t know him well enough, nor do I get to spend enough time with him to do so. An open concept towards dating where I’m not putting all my eggs in one basket may be best at this point, where it allows for freedom, exploration, and play – something I don’t think I’ve ever looked for in the past. 


Today I’m supposed to take Sarah to fort stark, but it’s raining so, who knows if that’ll happen. Yesterday I had coffee with destiny in the morning, and dinner with a different Sarah from another lifetime at Panera. Alex was over the other night, and kinda drunk. That was a really good time too. Honestly I’m just blown away by the direction life is taking me, and where I’m taking my life. In truth though I am genuinely starting to miss that deeper connection with myself that I get through alone time and reflection, which is why I’m happy to just have me this morning. Friday I have off, and the kiddo will be in school, so I may have to take advantage of that. We’ll see what happens… Side note, I’m growing a plant successfully, and it’s my favorite too! Peppermint! She’s doing so well, and I’m very proud of her growth 😂! Funny to feel that way towards a plant, but it’s true. It’s an amazing indoor plant that I may have to get more of. 

I’m pregnant

I just woke up from a horrible nightmare…I was 2 weeks pregnant and found out it was nicks kid, and my mom got a lawyer and met me at the church to attempt to make me keep it, and I lashed out and let her have it, letting jerk fault, and wanting to sue the lawyer too for pulling me into a false sense of security about motherhood when my son turned out autistic. I wanted to beat the shit out of her for how she treated me both this time and last time she found out I was pregnant. God I hate her…

Sorry to my readers

I know people have been looking for a recent update. Know that I am okay, and will be blogging again soon. 5 day work week and making plans with friends left and right has kept be busy and requires a lot more down time – not to mention the guy I’ve been crushing on. 

If I have the time and ability to tonight I’ll try to get everyone caught up. 👌🏻

Paranoid Scumbag

It’s so hard to talk about anything right now… I’ve become increasingly more paranoid and hate being home. I’ve upped my medication and am back on Ativan to get me through the night, and just like before, I’m terrified to be home. My paranoia is through the roof, and I’m scared all the time. I wake up to hear plow truck at 4am and instantly get dressed to make sure my car isn’t being towed. I avoid the house if I see the landlords car or creep around to try and be undetected. I have the door locked at all times now, and am afraid of Ben is showing up. Kylie got her own apartment, and Ben hasn’t said a word since he “moved in with his mom because he’s not supposed to climb stairs”, when all the research I’ve read says the opposite. He also looked amazingly well when last I saw him since surgery. I hate being lied too, and I didn’t deserve this level of treatment, no matter what our histories. I ducking hate them with every ounce I’ve got, and find I’m talking to myself rehashing what I only wish I could say to them. They make me feel like it’s all my fault, and I hate them for it.


Destiny wants to move to Newmarket, and her husband wants to move and find a way to save money; me being with them would help that cause. My income tax return will be in soon too, which means I’ll have a car again and can afford to move. 

Life is so tough right now… I hate it. Only thing I have to look forward too is friends. May be going to the Boston museum of science with Alex on Sunday. We’ll see what happens. As soon as the car is fixed I need to get childcare and increase to full time at work. It’s the only way at this point. 

Allowed to be Angry

In full swing I have been pissed at Kylie, and rather than possibly projecting my inner child onto her, I’m not allowing guilt to conflict with my ability to utilize my anger as a tool for boundary setting. I made it absolutely clear that if she’s comfortable trashing the kitchen floor so everyone has to jump over the trash spewing out of the bin because it’s not Sunday night, then from now on she has no problem committing to cleaning the bathroom on certain days since she’s been exploiting and taking advantage of me for months by not lifting a finger and doing shit. 


Because Ben was in on this conversation, he at least came downstairs and threw out what was on the floor, and agreed to wipe down counter tops, sweep floors, and will bring the trash out whatever day Kylie is not doing it and needs to be done, but he’s going in for spinal tap surgery today and will be gone for a week. 

Thankfully Alex and Destiny have been helping me through this, and agree her level of immaturity is through the roof. Last I knew destiny and Kylie were still friends since we all worked at great bay, but twice in a row that destiny was at my house, Kylie ignored her. Destiny was unloading all the racism she and her boyfriend have to deal with since trump was elected, and to be treated with such disrespect was awful! She pried to pass it off as “I’m too old for this drama”, but it lingered 24 hours later. My guess is Kylie insisted on picking sides between Sarah P, and Destiny rather than allowing their conflict to be their own, and picked sides. They were still friends when Kylie and I were friends, and destiny has a conversation from a few months ago and everything was fine. I don’t get it, but that was a super shitty thing Kylie did. 

Kylie also came home yesterday morning talking about how she got into an accident and wasn’t sure if she’d need a rental to get by, but as the story unfolded for each person she told (since she insisted on talking in the kitchen instead of her bedroom), the story subtlety changed until her mom showed up. It went from a vehicle spinning off and side swiping her to rear ending her. When I finally saw her car for myself there were 3 scratches and no dents in her bumper at all, nor anything on the side. Seriously, maybe I’m just getting too old for this level of drama too, but this is just crap. >.>’ 

Alex and I got some serious girl time in last night with tacos and tequila, and we’re rotating Tuesday nights. We were talking about how awesome it is we ended up being being friends, and got a serious amount of laughs and political discussion in. I needed it.