Tales of a Tarot Reader Pt. 1

About 2 or 3 weeks ago I started my own pagan consult business, but it’s mostly paid tarot readings. I sat at the computer, typed up a flyer, printed out 10, and on the second hand-out at 5 monkeys tattoo, the woman was like “Oh my god, you do tarot readings? You have time to do one now? How much?” I pulled out my deck, nervous as this was my first paid reading and I was afraid it would be a dud, but I did what I always do.

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All my cards are cleansed in a selenite grid to rid it of any negative energy from the previous reading, and to reset it for the next. She explained to me that there was this cop she was seeing but wasn’t sure it was worth it as there were a lot of conflicts. I shuffled the deck to make sure none were facing upside down, then allowed her to shuffle, making sure she thought about her relationship with this man so the energy of them is put into the cards.

Energy reading is strange… it’s like putting your hand high above an exposed flame – you feel the warmth and energy from the fire, and the closer you get to the flame, the hotter it gets. Many Reiki readers say there is a ton of warmth radiating off their hands, and for 1 Reiki master in particular, I know this to be true. I on the other hand, feel it like a rock of energy versus a flame. I don’t feel the warmth as most people do with Reiki readings and such, but a ball that’s pushing against my hands – the harder it pushes, the more I know the card I’m meant to draw is there. Where my moon sign is Sagittarian which is all about energy magic and is described as a thunderbolt with its force, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised… where my sun sign is water and my moon sign is fire, I’m drawn to think of a volcano… the lava is fire, which when cooled by water (or air), turns to rock. Maybe it’s the blending of these signs that allows me to feel energy as a rock…. but I digress.

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The next day I did 3 more readings at the same place for 2 more people – one was the owners, and the other her apprentice. The owner wanted to know about her long-term financial success and her relationship with the current co-owner (who I guess is a little bi-polar), and the apprentice wanted to know if she was on the right path with her career and love life as well. I ended up using a bunch of decks, but with all three, there was an awesome amount of success. I’m hoping to do a tarot event at their shop where they do the $30 tattoos while I do readings for the people who are waiting. I also offered to do an energy cleanse of the place since a lot of bad vibes make its way into that shop. At the end, they paid me $35 between the two and thanked them for their time.

Yesterday I got to do a reading for a former coworker of mine I hadn’t seen in ages, and it was both heart breaking and beautiful… she too works with people with disabilities, and where the group home she works out of is closing, she wanted to see what the cards had to say about the future. Not only did it acknowledge the suffering she feels alongside these people, but the tower showed me she also felt like she was carrying the weight of the world. Another card told her she’s on the right path, and the last said she needed to learn to celebrate her successes. This prompted me to ask her about her self-care techniques, and she made it very clear that the closest she has to self-care these days is alcohol and not getting out of bed for a full 24 hours on her day off because of how emotionally draining the job is combined with her depression in general. I pulled a few self-care cards and allowed her to pull some soul-journey cards that she felt drawn to. What caught me off guard however is as I was watching her go through these cards, and she refused to pull the empathy card… again, self-care problems, human service, depression, mourning with people… it struck me as bazaar as I knew she was an empath, and I felt the energy from it. I asked her “why didn’t you draw the empathy card.”

Her answer floored me…

“Everyones always told me I’m an empath, but I don’t want to be… picking up on peoples emotions and stuff, it’s just too much to carry. I push it away as much as possible… maybe because of the responsibility that comes with? I don’t know.”

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I explained to her how in my own journey, the success of an empath relies on the ability to be empathic towards oneself, and how self-care falls into that spectrum. I asked if there could be a relationship between her pushing away her empathic nature and lack of self-care.

“It’s a possibility… most definitely. I can really see that.”

The self-care deck I told her to pour her needs into the cards, more on a feeling level than a thinking one. As soon as she handed me the cards my entire body was covered in waves of goose bumps… then as I read the energy I started crying, and she felt so bad. She apologized that it was so difficult to do this reading, to which I responded”

“It’s not that it’s too difficult, it’s that your needs are so great, it’s hard for me to process all this at once. There is a ton of energy coming from this, but I promise this is not a bad thing, and we will get through this…”

Finally after going through them all we settled on 4 cards, and low and behold, a theme of low-self esteem and practicing self-care emerges.

I did the second reading for her, this time on her love life which showed promise, and then my last reading for her took an unexpected turn. Her roommate is a therapist who also hits the bottle pretty hard, and although she doesn’t name names, she does dump all her baggage from listening to her clients onto my former coworker. I was rather pissed to hear this considering what I’d learned in my clinical psychology courses and possible HIPPA violations, but I at least wanted to provide some boundary cards to help my friend out. Even though I had her hold the cards, channel the energy, and I read them, the results told her that alcoholism is becoming an addiction, and she needs to spend this week she’s on vacation focusing on meditation, her solar chakra, self-care, and her needs. The only connection it had to the roommate was their bond of drinking, but I couldn’t argue with the cards… it was an answer to a question that wasn’t necessarily being sought out, but in the end, was needed to hear. My friend apologized for not receiving the answer I was hoping to give her, but promised me it was a theme that was popping up in the readings from the beginning, so was probably needed to be said. I was okay, and told her that all I do is read the energy off the cards and interpret them – I don’t know why those cards were picked, but I’m just a conduit in the end. They weren’t wrong by any means, they were just not the answers I was after… but it’s okay, thats part of my learning curve too.

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I really do enjoy doing Tarot work, despite how draining it is. I started providing snacks for myself and my clients at the end of my sessions because food is great for grounding where I’m pie-in-the-sky from doing so much energy work. I’m glad my success is slow and steady, and I hope this is becoming something long-term for me.

For those who are interested, my facebook page is called My Pagan Friend Consult

 

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Containment Past The Breaking Point

I don’t know where to begin, other than with the tears I’ve had bottled up inside of me lately…

It starts with a steady stream of hating my “new job”. I got to work 2 weeks ago where I was told I was no longer front end and am now Deli only. I had made it vehemently clear I despise deli and was only willing to do it during the summer to fill some hours in to maintain my employment. When I was pulled into the manager office to attempt to explain my confusion and heart ache over the adjustments, I simply stated that I understood I was recently changed to deli, which I had not been made aware of since I was looking forward to going back to front end with my hours back to normal. Eric, the back end manager and the person I had to hold myself accountable to laid in the guilt trip very thick with statements such as “Given your current situation I was doing you a favor. I didn’ have to do this for you and I don’t do this for anyone else. You’re not going to get as many hours or as much pay standing around twiddling your thumbs with the rest of them. Based on your hours of availability you should be in deli…” my problem is A) I was made to feel ungrateful for such a “valuable” opportunity I was “given” that B) I wasn’t offered, I was made to take it. Yes, I understand I’m homeless. Yes, I understand it’s more pay. Yes, I understand there’s a possibility for more hours, but I didn’t get a say in this decision at all, and only AFTER I end up feeling guilty does he present me with “you wanna go back up front?” I did the only thing I could do and compromise and say I want to be scheduled both front and back. I hate how in deli I feel so isolated. I don’t particularly care for the majority of my co-workers or their incessant need to complain. I hate that my only interaction with customers boils down to filling an order and sending them off, and I despise how I feel like a cog in a wheel of production. I go in, shut up, take my orders, and leave. It’s difficult for me to find a sense of place or value in a department that values production over people. Additionally, front end is not just people standing around chatting – its the bonding of the people between corporate and community that makes us valuable. We have times to keep and deal with a load of complaints from ungrateful people. We end up pushing those carts whether rain, sleet, blistering sun, or snow, and it sucks… but at the end of the day you feel a part of something good. You brighten peoples day, you develop a relationship with the customers… hell, I got a birthday card from one of them! The management up at the front end is also amazingly kind, caring, funny, and understanding. The coworkers are awesome… I mean I feel as if I’d lost so much. Despite all this, I couldn’t speak up to Eric because he’d already shit on my department and made me feel ungrateful for a decision I had no control over, and due to his logic (which was sound), it made me feel in the wrong for having not just graciously accepted what he’d given me in the first place; so now I’m Deli and occasionally front end, but every day consumes me with the threat of tears when I get weeks when I’m not front end at all. My feet hurt, my shirts are covered in sweat and exhaustion, and I feel far from professional or feminine. I fear I’m being judged as the fat sweaty chick and it sucks…

Eric, the back end manager and the person I had to hold myself accountable to, laid in the guilt trip very thick with statements such as “Given your current situation (homelessness) I was doing you a favor. I didn’ have to do this for you and I don’t do this for just anyone. You’re not going to get as many hours or as much pay standing around twiddling your thumbs with the rest of them. Based on your hours of availability you should be in deli…” my problem is A) I was made to feel ungrateful for such a “valuable” opportunity I was “given” that B) I wasn’t offered, had expressed in the past I hated, and was now made to take it. Yes, I understand I’m homeless. Yes, I understand it’s more pay. Yes, I understand there’s a possibility for more hours, but I didn’t get a say in this decision at all, and only AFTER I end up feeling guilty does he present me with “you wanna go back up front?” I did the only thing I could do and compromise and say I want to be scheduled both front and back. I hate how in deli I feel so isolated. I don’t particularly care for the majority of my co-workers or their incessant need to complain. I hate that my only interaction with customers boils down to filling an order and sending them off, and I despise how I feel like a cog in a wheel of production. I go in, shut up, take my orders, and leave. It’s difficult for me to find a sense of place or value in a department that values production over people. Additionally, front end is not just people standing around chatting – its the bonding of the people between corporate and community that makes us valuable. We have times to keep and deal with a load of complaints from ungrateful people. We end up pushing those carts whether rain, sleet, blistering sun, or snow, and it sucks… but at the end of the day you feel a part of something good. You brighten peoples day, you develop a relationship with the customers… hell, I got a birthday card from one of them! The management up at the front end is also amazingly kind, caring, funny, and understanding. The coworkers are awesome… I mean I feel as if I’d lost so much. Despite all this however I couldn’t speak up to Eric because he’d already shit on my department and made me feel ungrateful for a decision I had no control over, and due to his logic (which was sound), it made me feel in the wrong for having not just graciously accepted what he’d given me in the first place; so now I’m Deli and occasionally front end, but every day consumes me with the threat of tears when I get weeks when I’m not front end at all. My feet hurt, my shirts are covered in sweat and exhaustion, and I feel far from professional or feminine. I fear I’m being judged as the fat sweaty chick and it sucks…

Yes, I understand I’m homeless. Yes, I understand it’s more pay. Yes, I understand there’s a possibility for more hours, but I didn’t get a say in this decision at all, and only AFTER I end up feeling guilty does he present me with “you wanna go back up front?” I did the only thing I could do and compromise and say I want to be scheduled both front and back. My front end boss who was present said “YES” under his breath but loud enough for us to hear it (which boosted my mood a little), but I walked away feeling defeated and selfish. hate how in deli I feel so isolated. I don’t particularly care for the majority of my co-workers or their incessant need to complain. I hate that my only interaction with customers boils down to filling an order and sending them off, and I despise how I feel like a cog in a wheel of production. I go in, shut up, take my orders, and leave. It’s difficult for me to find a sense of place or value in a department that values production over people. Additionally, front end is not just people standing around chatting – its the bonding of the people between corporate and community that makes us valuable. We have times to keep and deal with a load of complaints from ungrateful people. We end up pushing those carts whether rain, sleet, blistering sun, or snow, and it sucks… but at the end of the day you feel a part of something good. You brighten peoples day, you develop a relationship with the customers… hell, I got a birthday card from one of them! The management up at the front end is also amazingly kind, caring, funny, and understanding. The coworkers are awesome… I mean I feel as if I’d lost so much. Despite all this, I couldn’t speak up to Eric because he’d already shit on my department and made me feel ungrateful for a decision I had no control over, and due to his logic (which was sound), it made me feel in the wrong for having not just graciously accepted what he’d given me in the first place; so now I’m Deli and occasionally front end, but every day consumes me with the threat of tears when I get weeks when I’m not front end at all. My feet hurt, my shirts are covered in sweat and exhaustion, and I feel far from professional or feminine. I fear I’m being judged as the fat sweaty chick and it sucks…

I hate how in deli I feel so isolated. I don’t particularly care for the majority of my co-workers or their incessant need to complain or step in on my work without seeing if I need the help in the first place. I hate that my only interaction with customers boils down to filling an order and sending them off, and I despise how I feel like a cog in a wheel of production. I go in, shut up, take my orders, and leave. It’s difficult for me to find a sense of place or value in a department that values production over people. Additionally, front end is not just people standing around chatting – its the bonding of the people between corporate and community that makes us valuable. We have times to keep and deal with a load of complaints from ungrateful people. We end up pushing those carts whether rain, sleet, blistering sun, or snow, and it sucks… but at the end of the day you feel a part of something good. You brighten peoples day, you develop a relationship with the customers… hell, I got a birthday card from one of them! The management up at the front end is also amazingly kind, caring, funny, and understanding. The coworkers are awesome… I mean I feel as if I’d lost so much. Despite all this, I couldn’t speak up to Eric because he’d already shit on my department and made me feel ungrateful for a decision I had no control over, and due to his logic (which was sound), it made me feel in the wrong for having not just graciously accepted what he’d given me in the first place; so now I’m Deli and occasionally front end, but every day consumes me with the threat of tears when I get weeks when I’m not front end at all. My feet hurt, my shirts are covered in sweat and exhaustion, and I feel far from professional or feminine. I fear I’m being judged as the fat sweaty chick and it sucks…

Despite all this, I couldn’t speak up to Eric because he’d already shit on my department and made me feel ungrateful for a decision I had no control over, and due to his logic (which was sound), it made me feel in the wrong for having not just graciously accepted what he’d given me in the first place; so now I’m Deli and occasionally front end, but every day consumes me with the threat of tears when I get weeks when I’m not front end at all. My feet hurt, my shirts are covered in sweat and exhaustion, and I feel far from professional or feminine. I fear I’m being judged as the fat sweaty chick and it sucks… I even took my old work shirts to a dry cleaner to see if the stains would come out of them since they were better quality and theres no guarantee, and I’m not paying for something that may not even work.

Destiny is at it again and this time, she ran to my best friend Alex, who isn’t even friends with her! Destiny had just come back from a stressful vacation only to come home and find cat piss and shit all over the house, and the cats malnourished because her brother-in-law refused to care for them. The litter box was destroyed, and destiny was vehemently pissed and told me “I dont think I can ever have people over ever again.” Great, so after she promised I could sleep over, not only does she change her mind, but she tells me I can’t come over – period. I tried to take it in stride to see what happens, and the next day she says I can stay over. She told me how the day before she spent the whole day cleaning, had to buy new litter boxes, and one of them stared her dead in the eyes and pissed in the kitchen sink. As always, I’m listening and telling her that sucks but at least shes home now and it won’t happen again, blah blah blah – doing the supportive friend thing. Well, I crawl into bed that night, am watching TV, and destiny comes out and finds cat shit on the floor…. so whats her response? She blames me and my son for being there, saying it’s our fault because sleeping over stresses the cats out and THATS why they did it.
So let me get this straight – your cats were neglected for a whole week, developed a bad habit from having an overly full litter box, box was destroyed, got a new one that doesn’t smell like them anymore, hasn’t stopped being bad since you’ve gotten back and it’s OUR fault the cats shit on the floor. Our very presence is problematic for your cats… really? Then to make matters worse, I get a message from Alex in a state of panic asking me if Sy and I were okay…

destiny chat 1

From here I find out she’s been lying to me since we became “friends” again. I asked her if I’m no longer unblocked from facebook, and she tells me a few weeks ago she doesn’t have one anymore because it’s too much drama. The day I came over to the house, she’s on facebook and I confronted her. “I thought you didn’t have a facebook anymore… did you make a new one?” “No, this is Kams account.” I knew even then she was lying because she had told me ages ago they don’t keep passwords to each others accounts or go through them because of the infidelity and drama that happened, so it would just be healthier to not go through each others stuff and maintain their own lives through trust. I didn’t question her on it, but was suspicious, and let it go…. until Alex.

destiny 2

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I’m ready to send this to her and prove she’s a liar and be done with her. Even after I found this out I went with the “kill her with kindness” route and did all her dishes and wiped down her counter-tops before I left, but just to make sure I had my bases covered, I took pictures of the whole house as insurance just to prove the house was good when I left in case she decides to tell people she was kind enough to let me stay for 2 nights and we destroyed it…. instead she waits 24 hours after I’ve left and sends a nasty text saying my son destroyed her table with pen and she had to sand the whole thing down, but she’s “not mad at us.” Fuck you bitch, I’m mad at you! Ale and I are at a loss because I should drop destiny for lying to me at the very least, but I don’t know if that’s an over reaction on my part, and Alex isn’t sure either. It’s not my fault destiny chooses to stain a table and leave it unfinished to it’s exposed to any elements that may occur, such as water spilling, cat vomit, pen, and so on…. but then I’m afraid if I remove her after I’ve explained why I’m choosing to no longer be friends with her, I’m just isolating myself instead of being healthy and taking care of my needs…. but when I ran into her in the community on Thursday she wouldn’t say a word to me. I’m really sorry, but I’m trying to learn to value myself by not becoming intertwined in drama that brings me down and makes me feel like shit, carefully picking battles to fight or back away from… which brings me to my grandmother…

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This prompted me to actually read my grandmothers message that pissed me off rather than just skimming through it…

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She’s known my feelings for him and how emotionally abusive he’s been. She also told me how his behavior radically changes when he has friends over because he starts shitting on the women in the house. When she fed him fuel to the fire by telling him my whole lifes story, he came up stairs reeking of booze, layed down beside my bed, and said “Hey, I just want to let you know I’m here for you. Grandma told me everything that’s happened to you, and I get it because I was abused too, and I’m so sorry, and if you ever need anything let me know.”

While his words may give the appearance of care, really it was a terrifying experience. I laid their cowering in my blanket trying so hard to back away, but immobile and unable to move. His breath was awful, and I was so angry at my grandmother for empowering a man I had explained was emotionally manipulative. That whole week leading up to those events, I distanced myself from him as much as possible while he deliberately barked orders in front of his buddy so he could look at his friend and go “see what I mean?” which I heard him say.

The best analogy I can give for what my grandmother did in this message was this…. let’s pretend a friend of yours hooks you up on a date. He picks you up and things seem fine at first, but then the more you get to know him the more you realize he’s not the person he claimed to be. Then at the end of the date, he takes you home, forces his way in, rapes you, and leaves after telling you it’s your fault. Your “friend”, in turn, comes after you for going to the police because he bought you a free dinner and spent his own gas money, and to call the police shows how unappreciative you are of the gift that they offered you, making you the bad person for going to the police and standing up for yourself. Did he rape me? No, but multiple times he tried pushing through emotional barricades I had in place to protect myself, using his position as my grandfather and military experience to be entitled to know everything about me, and now that he “knows” and has deemed you “worthy” to be his family, he expects you to do exactly as he says or threatens to call the police and tells you what a worthless piece of shit you are (which he did).

This is where I come full circle again… I’m not “grateful” enough. I’m “selfish”. Everything is my fault and I should be thankful I have a job I was given without a choice, I should be thankful a “friend” gave me a place to sleep but shits on me the whole time and uses me as a backup therapist. I should be “thankful” that I was able to spend time with my grandparents, even though my grandfather was emotionally abusive and caused more grief for me rather than helped me. I literally can’t take this anymore. I have no one to talk to about it, and I’m suffering inside not knowing how to process whats abusive, if I’m over-reacting, and how to let it go. I’m drowning in tears that I can barely control, and have no place to let them out safely because I don’t have a place of my own or a place to go.

The Karma Carrier

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I’m more or less reposting this article for self-reflection, as I seem to strongly feel this applies to me and would like to dig a little more…. recently I’ve wanted to do a very technical spell to cut the Karma chord with my mother, since I can’t help but feel in part that the circumstances surrounding my homelessness have to do with karma, and was warned of it earlier this year in someone else’s tarot reading they did for me. I need to persevere through this experience…. I hate this, but this wouldn’t have been dealt to me if it didn’t have its purpose. I find the parallels between myself and my grandmother uncanny to a major extent, but I see so many patterns and repetitions unfold between my life as her granddaughter, and her relationship with her own grandmother, and so on. This whole thing makes me want to do a family tree to trace back stories of old and reincarnation.

The Family Karma Carrier

 

Back on Track

Things are moving in the right direction, and I couldn’t be more pleased. Yesterday I got the job at Onesky to work with a client who sustained a traumatic brain injury; I was interviewed by his mother since it will be in home care in Rye, and it made me fall in love with my line of work all over again. A piece of me I had become disconnected too came bursting forth, and elation swept over me; truly the term “in love” is all I could feel… euphoric, joyful, promising – it was everything I could hope for. The agency warned me his mother is tough, and my client has the mouth of a sailor, but I like the fact that shes’ a bitch – I would be too in her shoes! Our boys come first in our lives, and that’s how it should be. She took down crotchet mountain for their horrible services and won in court. She tells people where to shove it. She prioritizes his health and happiness first, and that’s how you advocate for your kid! I swear I want to be this woman in the long run. As for my client, he has the sweetest smile, and I couldn’t help but laugh when he said
“Damn, you’re sexy”

He turns to his mom and goes “You, you’re number one”

then he looks back at me and says “but YOU…. you’re number two!”

This guy is hilarious, and it’s gonna be awesome working with him. His mom made it clear that if you try to talk over him or interrupt that he swears a ton, and he needs time to respond, but I made it clear that he does that because he feels disrespected, and his mom latched onto that and made it clear that’s 100% correct, and he deserves respect, and I couldn’t agree more. I’ll still be working at Hannaford Mondays and Tuesdays, with Onesky being Wednesday through Friday and the occasional weekend, but it’s enough to get me out of homelessness at $14 an hour for 30 hours minimum per week, plus the $11.50 at Hannaford. I also can’t wait to go back to therapy. I found a self-technique book on EMDR and almost bought it. I’m kinda disappointed I haven’t heard from Kerri in a while, but I suppose Id do the same in her shoes… let the leash go a little and let adults be adults… but I’m excited for therapy to begin again soon and will have insurance through Onesky.

 

Catching Up

This month has been filled with up’s & down’s since I became homeless, but I’m surviving.

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Today I finally got my ass in gear and applied to about 15 different positions that are full time and range between mental health & travel agencies, spreading between the Seacoast and Concord. At this point, I refuse to settle for less than $17 an hour with benefits, and I deserve it. Filling out the town application form for low income helped me realize I don’t want to go back. It is a requirement to be on state assistance, and I value my mental health too much to endure that level of anxiety. I recognize now it stems purely from a fear of punishment, as with most reasons I avoid conflict, but where it’s a source of major authority (aka government) I won’t risk it. I’m done.

Sy and I have adjusted, but we’re not growing comfortable to being here; where the wife has MDD and was against us moving in, I’m back to doing what I use to being at my mom’s house where I spend as much time as I can on the road, however her love of gardening seems to help her overcome her depression a fair amount, and she seems to be improving. It’s hard to tell if she’s finally adjusted, but I still feel bad for invading her home with a husband who seems to have overruled her consent for the sake of not wanting to see us homeless cause he’d feel bad. Thankfully they give us dinner and I live here rent free, but I still have a hard time saving money. I make the money stretch from paycheck to paycheck, but where so much of it is going to gas and the occasional “I’ll buy us an ice cream” or “its been a hard week, lets try to have a life and go out to dinner with Alex”, it’s enough to sustain but thats about it; thats why I need a better paying job. $900 a month is not doing it, and with my engine needing a tune-up this month at $350, my new licence at $50, registration at over $200, and inspection sticker, not to mention I need to start paying for daycare to make these jobs work, and sy’s birthday is coming up…. I still need to return the internet modem and pay off comcast… *sigh*

Friends have been difficult to maintain and connect with. I do see Alex on a weekly basis, but Destiny seems to have cracked under stress from her marriage and has filed for divorce, though we’ll see if it happens. My biggest issue was expressing that I was angry towards her husband for how he’s treated her, but then she slams it in my face that the only reason I’m allowed to trash him is because I have white privilege and don’t understand, but then the very same comments I made minutes ago expressing how I wished he could put his foot down with his family, she starts saying herself! Yes I have privilege, no I don’t 100% understand the Muslim community, but when I’m trying to be compassionate and express that I want what’s best for her and she yells at me over it in my car, you had better believe I’m done! Then she has the audacity to tell me how she’s “paying for Syrus’s college tuition” should he choose to go because that’s what she does for kids she care about, how she has over $600,000 in her trust fund alone, separate bank accounts with savings, and “dresses like a homeless person”, and here I am homeless and listening to her shit – are you fucking kidding me? You can take your college plans for my son and shove it, cause right now it’s more important that he has a roof over his head, and while you say you “look homeless”, I AM HOMELESS, and desperately trying to maintain appearances of NOT being homeless so has to keep it together. Seriously? I’m done being her drama stop only to be shit on after multiple empty promises have been made.

My cousin who I was looking after is not 10 weeks pregnant, single, and living back in Augusta with the grandparents. Since I’ve been helping her out they have apologized for their conduct towards me 3 years ago, and have realized how much of Syrus’s life they’ve missed out on. At this point, I try and drive up there twice a month and stay overnight during the weekends, and they reimburse me travel expenses. I found out my mother went to my grandmother while I wasn’t talking to her and told her I owed her “thousands of dollars”, and so to try and solve our conflict and assuming that it was my “shame” of owing her money that I stopped talking to my mother, Grandma gave her all mine and Syrus’s birthday and Christmas money we were supposed to receive during 2016, totalling a minimum of $500 my mom stole from Sy and me through my grandmother. I set the record straight and told her I left with a $200 debt, however she sold me a broken vehicle and got the money through my dad by handing her the $500 I was supposed to get that year for Christmas, so really I owed her nothing, and she owed me $300. She’s stolen at least $1000 between me AND my son! My grandmother felt bad and confronted my mother, and she lied through her teeth saying Randy bought me a vehicle I hadn’t paid for, and I have NO idea wtf she’s talking about. It’s total bullshit. The one day I ran into her, she showed up to see my cousin at the hospital and (once again) had to one up me by telling my cousin “I’m actually your best resource to talk to about pregnancy” because Ashley was seeking out my help instead. She had to compare how her pregnancy and vomiting was far worse than mine, and on and on and on. My cousin was already pissed at her for lying to my grandparents and trashing talking her, and then she starts a fight with me in the hospital trying to gaslight the fuck out of me! She told me all my memories are wrong and I don’t know how to process anything correctly because “I come from a place of old wounds” and can’t look beyond them; she told me she’s never done anything wrong to me or my brother, and everything was my dad and grandmother’s fault. I (of course) went after her because of the autism shit, and she started lying yet again. This is why I want nothing to do with her ever again. I fucking hate her and her narcissism, and I always will.

I hope my birthday money from my dad shows up soon so I can get these bills paid off and attempt to start saving. This is getting difficult, and crazy….. I gotta make sure Sy has summer care at least. I also have no alone time, so any spiritual time I had to devote to myself is gone. It’s hard to practice self-care under these conditions, and even harder if it involved money because I end up shaming myself.  -.-‘

He showed up

Jason showed up in my dream… It’s been so long since I’ve dreamt of him that I’m baffled it happened, but he was at the hannaford parking lot with those giant protective goggles and his bicycle gear. We talked normally for a little bit – nothing awakward or angering, though lacking in material to discuss. He seemed… Happy. I hope he is… he deserves it. 

Begging for Punishment

I’m at the edge of the precipice again… Last time I stood here I wrote that letter to Ben knowing full well the chain reaction of events would lead to a devastating level of revival towards healing, believing if I pushed past the point of transparency I’d find my way back, and I did… Now here I am again, and the clock is ticking. Just a few more days and my possessions will be in storage, I’ll have a family gym membership so I can shower, and a tent so we can sleep on the air mattress… In truth it’s all my fault, but Alex begs me to see otherwise… But it is. Once again I made the mistake of trusting people with something that could have fallen apart (and did). Instead of budgeting to live with someone, I should have moved out in February after fixing the car, but I really thought I’d be in a different position. By the same token however, I don’t want to be in a shelter. With a tent I can say I’m camping with my kiddo, and in truth it’ll end up being a spiritual journey inward wrestling with these emotions, which is probably what I need. Where the weather is warm enough, Sy too will be warm and fed and happy, and as long as he’s clean, healthy, and happy, then who cares. I just need to make sure whatever family gym I sign up for has a pool for us, and considering all the shit I’ve been getting for my weight lately, it’s not such a bad idea, though not the reason I wish to change my temple. 


To my grandmother and the asshole online who reminds me so much of Josh, fuck both of you. “Do you know how many times carol made your grandmother cry?” Why no, I don’t, because for the past 5 years she should have had enough distance between us to not talk about me on a daily basis. To put fault on me for her tears is the prevention and inability to take ownership of ones emotions, and I don’t give a shit if she comes from a different generation, I’m proud of my curves. In the right outfit I look amazing! As for the online guy who was claiming to be this amazing guy, labeling yourself as “alpha” tells me how sexism has negatively impacted who you are, and if you acknowledge I’m amazing but can’t look beyond something you’ve never seen, then maybe you’re 38 and single for a reason. That’s fine that you have your own taste in women, but I need a man to love my soul where it matters, and clearly you ain’t it. 


Crap, I meant to grab my charcoal and my sketch book… I’ve started reading the artists way, and it’s a little tough to stomach because the spiritual principles remind me of the Christian conditioning I endured, but I’m tying to stomach my way through it (when I’m not feeling dizzy from the immense eye rolling). I also got her book right to write since I am a blogger, and it seems like there’s so many ways to get published thatbitnwould be nice to get a book out there… Meh. Who knows. At this point I need to make space to write more personalized letters to the people and situations I’m wounded by to purge this emotional energy out of me and drain the dam of tears that’s pressure cooking at this point, but it’s been tough to find time and make space when alone time is being zapped away. 

Carpe Dieum 

When Nurturing the Past

Is it in the stars? The planetary alignment is out of wack?

Is it just that time of the month?

Is it grief needing to be exposed? 

For whatever reason I went from being emotional today to just crying in front of destiny, and I feel so bad about it. I know I shouldn’t – she’s opened up everything about herself, and I listened with care looking to discern and understand. Today it went from hear about the significant level of injustices that occur within her life to me explaining how even with my degrees and level of education and psycho analysis, there are times that even with an explanation and an answer I still don’t understand… Then I opened up about my mother. It’s a tale I’ve retold over and over again, so why would I cry this time? I’ve cried in the past, I’ve told it a million times over to the point of desensitization, and here I am again. 


Then the shame kicked in, needing to apologize to destiny for crying, for dumping my stuff on her when she’s done it to me a million times over, feeling as if I should be strong in this moment and strong because of who I am… And I know they’re just lies. It’s not the truth. Then Josh’s comment came back to me… “Stop apologizing for everything. Be confident.” Boy I don’t know if I wanna deck you or apologize even more or hug you or all of it, which makes me laugh strangely enough because I know he’s  coming from a good place, but I could just deck him…

Tonight will have to be a self-care night. A shower, more journaling if need be, some tea, and more answers. It sucks because I should be holding these emotions and sitting with them, but mentally it’s almost as if my self-care is more of a purging of emotions rather than holding them… Or perhaps those tears were enough and I don’t have to carry them for so long. I just don’t know. 

Indications


Yesterday I did a tarot reading for Sarah, confirming what I had been sensing for a while now based on her spread – she too is ready for spiritual ascension. She’s beginning to drudge through the past and her anxieties to become her most authentic self. When I saw her today she was so bright – her own light shining from the inside out. All smiles and warmth. It was such a good energy. Healing. Inviting. I saw Josh For a new minutes today too… It wasn’t enough. It never is. There was something very genuine in him through his interactions… I mean, all he did was talk about his family for a minute and fill me in on how life was going… Bills and so on… But as I walked away my satisfaction in seeing him however brief turned into longing again, since I won’t be working with him till Thursday. Now every little thing just pisses me off, I can’t handle being touched, and all I want is a hug for him. I’m kicking myself for having not given him one yet when I know he wants one too. 😛


Although my time with Sarah brought me back to center briefly, which was necessary, I feel I’m somewhat at war with myself over him. From a codependency perspective I don’t want to lose myself in my fixation, lust, and fascination with him, but I do want so badly to get to know him more. Time spent with Sarah was its own form of self-care, and prompted me to ask for a reading from a friend of mine about Josh and myself since my judgement was clouded. From her Oracle deck, she drew 2 cards reaffirming what I knew to be true. The first was a card about the goddess Venus and mentioned twin flames in the description, making it known that I am blessed and on the right path. The second was a boundaries card! Heh, go figure. I should probably do some spell work tonight and take a “salt bath” (salt shower really since I don’t own a tub), and find a spell to cast… Probably bless my tapestry too for protection. 


Right now I’m bored as hell with nothing to do and no one to hang out with. It truly sucks. 

Soul Baring

Why does falling for someone have this weird obsessive intensity to it? For the past couple of days I find myself wanting to lie in bed and think of him… Endless sarcasm, deeper connections, too many positions and bedroom games that I’ve rehearsed before I’ve ever laid a finger on him. 


Thankfully he likes me too – winking at me, starting me down, showing up in my line and joking away, creating a list of adventures for us to take next month, calling me out cause he wants to be touched too, and so on. Short of flat out saying it he’s told me in every other way possible, which is humorous considering he’s all “tell it to me straight because I hate having to dissect information and figure it out”. He’s a georgeous and complicated piece of work whose vibrational energy seems ignite and awaken something so much healthier than what I’ve ever known. The closer I long to be the more awareness I have towards so little I know of him, but from what I’ve been able to dissect there’s just a healthy enough of a balance to maintain individuality and joining while still learning and growing. I can tell I’m nearing the dirty 30 prime because I physically have a hard time containing how primal my lust seems to be at present, and the cliche of what feels like a burning fire within suddenly is no longer cliche, and the potency of teenage longing feels like child play, making it difficult to maintain eye contact with him at times, which I know he perceives as a reflect of low self-esteem to some extent, but boy I’ve never felt so nervous about the feelings and sensations I have within me. 


In truth, although I asked my tarot cards what the future holds between us, and I was shocked to see the lovers right there in plain sight I still held disbelief that he’d ever look my way… It’s just so strange, and the unfolding of us seems so agonizingly slow at this point, perhaps to teach me a lesson about myself as destiny writes itself on the pages of fate. For now and for the next couple of days, I need to resolve to return to self – It’s the only way I’m going to be able to maintain myself and contain the illusion of strength while descending into someing much darker and richer emotionally than I ever thought could exist. 


If only my understanding of the realms of love and emotion for men didn’t seem like such a mystery, maybe then I’d have a better idea of what I’m doing rather than chasing the safest energy path in blind trust. Visions and beliefs begin to manifest that perhaps the pain and bullshit I’ve experienced will contextually make sense when faced with the reality of you – the resonance of what seems and feels like a twin flame becoming a reality. I’m not seeking to be completed, because I see what makes me whole quite clearly now… But… It’s just so hard to explain. I don’t know. Im at a loss, but comfortable in the darkness right now… The realm of intellectual unknowing because emotionally, I feel comfort cause somehow I know where this is where I need to be; a trust in the process without knowing what the process is. 


Dear Josh, I can only hope on some level you feel how raw, carnal, and primal this energy is… You told me you chose a path of celibacy because you’re waiting for “the one”. Romantic in its own right, and self-protection on another, all I heard was that I’d need to work twice as hard for anything to happen between us. Luckily, I’m a hard worker, but damn… I had no idea how difficult this was going to be. ❤️