I Dream of Fears

Lately I’ve had few and fleeting dreams. I remember but glimpses into my unconscious mind. I dream of fears.

I dreamt my brother scolded me and made me feel like an awful parent. In real life my brother commented how my son doesn’t seem to nap much at present, and it’s true. I leave my son in his crib and let him have some time to himself, as well as to myself, because I need a moment to breathe, and I don’t think it’s a bad idea to either let him nap if he’s tired or relax in the crib. I know when I was a kid we had nap time in school, and if we didn’t fall asleep it was fine, but we still had to lie down. It was still considered beneficial to relax and recoup before the next part of our schooling, so I tend to see it like that. My son however gives me these 50/50 moments where I feel like I’m punishing him if I put him in his crib, when I’m not. I feel guilty to hear him cry, but frustrated if I dont get a moment to myself. Nevertheless, One of the few fleeting dreams I had involved my brother accusing me of being a neglectful mother, and it was heart breaking.

The next one also involved my son, but my dad as well. He was accusing me of being Autistic, just like my son. He said he suspected it because if he has it, and my son has it, then I must have it too. Being a therapist was irrelevant because it could just point to a higher level of intelligence from having an autistic mind, and the fact that I’m an empathetic individual was irrelevant, despite the fact that there is a general disconnect of empathy with autistic minds. I know I’m not autistic, and again it was another fleeting dream, but it makes me wonder what my fears really are and how dark they can truly be.

Last one (of course) was based off the fifty shades novels. I dreamt about getting to know Christian, Ana, and Dr. Flynn. Grace may have been in it at one point, but I dont remember. I know we were at Escala, but that was about it. Then it kept switching to me reading about them in the book, only these things never happend in the book, so I ended up dreaming about WRITING a spin off the fifty shades series! That dream just kept switching between reading, writing, and seeing what was happening in my minds eye… it was so strange, but it left me struck with awe as well.

I dont know what to make of any of this, but at least I got it down.

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