All of this is a reference to Dream Analysis Part 1: Role Playing Adventurer, and my dream entitled Role Playing Adventurer. If you wish to get a better understanding of what I’m talking about, start with the dream, and come back to this.
In the beginning I recognize I’m a heroine collecting perks, upgrades, treasures, and various other items and powers that relate to improving myself. As a hero, I am in control of the adventure of my story. The treasures and upgrades are items that reflect the good in me, or things I wish to improve upon for the better. Again, because I’m an adventurer, this starts off a journey of accomplishments and improvements into the soul. I remember before I was in the frozen wasteland I was adventuring in this amazing green mountain, but didn’t put it in my dream because thats all I could remember, so I felt it wasn’t worth writing down. Everything I collect in this dream is a reflection of wholeness.
From here I’m in the frozen wasteland with very few houses around. This means that emotionally I’ve come to a cold place in my world; perhaps another opportunity or area in my world that needs growth, forgiveness, and insight, but hasn’t happened yet. Because it’s a frozen landscape the ice contributes to this area of my world in which I haven’t grown because it illustrates my own stubbornness to move, or possibly how brittle I am. It shows that somewhere in my world I feel helpless and bleak – all of this suggesting that the reason I’m in this world is because I haven’t made the journey to progress forward. Furthermore the wall of ice I see before me enhances the message in telling me that this inability to move possibly has something to do with my belief systems, attitudes, and/or boundaries I restrict myself too. The wall is supposed to be a protection against fear. The wall of ice itself is white, and so is the majority of the landscape. Personally I have no fear of hospitals or death as it would portray to the color white, so I must assume then that when it comes to a white frozen wall, white is symbolic of spirituality. I’m emotionally stuck in my spiritual life, and the core values contained therein. This is the stage of my dream.
Now in real life this is extremely accurate as I wrestle with who I am and how I identify as a Christian, but moreover, a Seventh-day Adventist. Also, there are a couple of “demons” I wrestle with from the past and that part of my life. I want to go back, but I’m afraid to for many reasons.
Climbing up the wall I remember my siblings being there, but particularly Jamie, my younger brother. I wasn’t going to climb the wall because he couldn’t make the climb, but I did anyway. Once I got up part way to a cliff I looked down which triggered my fear of heights. I want to get down, but can’t.
My brother represents a denied part of me; at this point I’m going to assume it has to do with the Christian side of me which touched on every boundary of my moral code of being, but I have long since denied. In climbing upward I had to leave Jamie, a denied part of me- the Christian me- behind. This created a sense of guilt. This guilt can be two-fold. Perhaps this guilt correlates to people I’ve left behind in leaving the church, or perhaps the conflicts I feel between science and faith. Maybe in becoming a psychologist I’ve denied myself whatever opportunities could have come my way as a member of the church. Maybe upon looking down from the cliff at my Christian self I am claiming a sense of superiority in my education. None of this I am certain, merely speculation at this point. In real life I do however, feel a burden towards the people I let down, especially Verna Emerson. I also feel conflicted in my core values between science and religion. I’m also always looking to justify myself when I reject one and believe the other where the two worlds collide and cannot meet. I may be Christian, but masturbation is not a sin in my book – and I support homosexuals in their choice of lovers. I’d rather be held responsible before God because I allowed others to live their own lives rather than be condemned because someone gay was cutting themselves or crying as a result of something I said or did against them – or worse, I’m responsible for their suicide. Christ never put anyone down in that way, and overall it defies the moral image he portrayed….. “Thou shall not judge.” In the end I just don’t know. I feel split between two worlds – two people, and no balance; always ready for a fight because I believe something different then what the church taught, and how I see the messages of the bible. This is a triad of confusion for me. This may have something to do with the next part then when I head into battle. I know as a Christian I was puffed up, judgmental, and critical of the outside world. Now, I’m on the outside being judgmental towards people within the church by analyzing them with my education, recognizing the incredible amount of low self-esteem the place both breeds and contains. Getting into a “thank you war” is a perfect example. This is my own fault and I know I am wrong for being so harsh and judgmental towards Christianity and the people who follow more closely than I do… but perhaps this is really a reflection of how harsh and judgmental I am towards myself and where I stand on both sides of the fence. This may just be the first time where I catch myself looking inwards by seeing what I project outwards.
For the next part of the dream I came down off the cliff because three wolves appeared. I kicked one, slashed one with the sword, and sent another one flying somehow. I don’t remember how I did it, but I know it had to do with some kind of internal force of power. At the end I felt like a hero, and was really happy for many reasons; the epic jump to overcome my heights, my bravery to attack before they had a chance to touch me or anyone, and my loot thereafter.
The wolves themselves are actually fear reincarnate. They were a triggered physical manifestation to what I was feeling. However, I did feel a sense of pride in overcoming my fear. What I’m confused about is why I needed to come off the cliff and head down in the first place. Why didn’t I keep climbing up that wall? I feel as if overcoming my fear of heights may not be the only element of pride I felt in destroying my fears…. But what else could it be? What is it that I really overcame in that dream. Coming off the cliff of superiority and gaining an essence of humility? In truth I had been working very hard in my moral code of ethics, and humility is one of them. I’m not as judgemental as I use to be. In being defensive and looking to justify myself, I’ve learned how to better communicate who I am and why I feel and think certain things, but the hidden benefit has also been to understand why I felt the way I use to, and why they (the church) feel the way they do now when it comes to what they uphold and believe. I’ve practiced a new element of empathy. It was the backbone to the ministry of Jesus. I’m not as harsh and judgmental as I was, but I still am. Faith versus critical thinking is hard to balance, as is the concept of being in the world – not of the world – versus isolated from the world. Thats what happened. I isolated myself into the church to maintain a deeper level of conformity. I just can’t do that anymore.
Anywho, back to the story. I killed the wolves and was proud to overcome my fear. The sword itself contains multiple meanings because (ironically) the handle of the sword is a cross – a symbolic religious icon. In wielding a weapon in general I turned against myself, but what? Also, the sword represents social power, justice, and transcending strength. Perhaps this is the judgmental element I’m slowly overcoming in learning to accept others for who they are, Christian or otherwise? Even better, this is me learning how to accept myself, Christian or otherwise? I’m purging myself of my less-than-perfect tendencies in killing my fear with a sword. Justice could also refer to the fact that I feel the need to defend myself so much, that my defense is my justice – education. Moving on there was also a gained ability for defeating the wolves, it was a treasure of some kind. Treasure represents the riches of my wholeness – the wonder, wisdom, or value of life. Something I gained as a result of overcoming personal difficulty, such as self-realization or wholeness – wholeness being defined as balancing dry intellectual achievement with deep love, or an introverted personality with outward activity, etc.. Perhaps in knowing my weaknesses better I’ve gained a valuable treasure? What bothers me is the power I obtained was another weapon of ice. Thus far ice has been a bad thing – but white as well. Also, the weapon wasn’t for my hands, it was for my feet – something I wore over my shoes. Shoes are the image or impression I present to others in my travel throughout life (work, accomplishment, etc.). Perhaps it’s my ability to condemn myself for my conflicting moral values, and how I present myself to others because of it. Hell, I keep 2 facebooks – one for my “christian” me, and one for my secular me. Hardcore athiests and people who can take a dirty joke versus the other extreme. No balance.
Next I know the hoarker/walrus from skyrim emerges from the frozen waters while everyone is praising me. I scream at my sister to run as it emerges, telling her it’s her fault if we all die because I had to save her. She’s holding me back and I don’t want her to get hurt – nor myself. I want to save us all. My brother was there to back me up for the fight, but once the whole thing emerged and stood towering over me, I froze for two seconds, screamed “run,” and took off for the house
Walrus was not a definition I could find, and the ones online didn’t make any sense. Instead I changed it to “monster” which seems okay for the dream, but I’m still uncertain. Anyway, my sister represented an part of myself that is lesser or vulnerable. I felt as if I needed to protect “myself” in this case, but I was hesitant – afraid to move as my sister emotionally. I have no idea what this part of me could be. Perhaps its just who I use to be? Damn… this is such a key element to my dream. I wish I knew what part of me my sister is supposed to represent. Then the monster came. It’s my internal emotions or drives I’m frightened of; dread of death; a monstrous deed done or lie lived; negative relationship with my life energy. I bet you there’s a correlation between my sister in the dream and the monster, but what? Maybe I’m living a lie because of my inability to be who I am – both religious and scientist? Feeling like I have to pick a side? Damn I wish I knew.. then I – “we” took off running. Running away from something is me emotionally trying to run from whatever bad emotions the hoarker/walrus represents. The hoarker came after us, and what started off as a two-story monster shrunk while I had my back turned and managed to get inside. Being attacked by an animal is a representation of introverting ones own aggression, fear of ones own natural urges; anxiety about aggression in oneself or other people; feeling attacked by an external person. The house itself serves as a response to social pressures and criticisms. The house was old looking on the outside, new on the inside. Old beliefs and attitudes are represented by old houses. To dream of a new house represents a new era of your life. The house itself is the transition of the old into the new – as well as the blending of the two. The walrus shrunk, and whatever it’s supposed to be has becoming less threatening or playing a less important part in my life; are seen as connected with the unconscious, aspects of which often are seen as of “little” significance, yet are full of the sort of power that motivates or undermines our resolve. Crap. I really wish I could figure this thing out.
Then the monster shrunk, and got into the livingroom where is stayed and lost it’s power and ability to be threatening. I took refuge in the kitchen.
“To dream that you are in the living room indicates how you are as a person and how others perceive the way you live. It is suggestive of your principles and beliefs.”
So whatever the hoarker represents has become less threatening in my world, and as a result of perhaps, learning to be myself is killing the monster within me.
“Creativity; nourishing oneself; mother role, diet. May also refer to pride in the ability to create a home and contribute something valuable to the family. To dream of seeing a kitchen represents a need to nurture your spiritual life.”
So perhaps the link or message in this is that if I better understand myself and nurture my emotional/spiritual needs, whatever it is that troubles me will no longer have/is no longer a threat. The last element I haven’t figured out was when I kicked the walrus and I lost my power – it didn’t hurt it. The ice was gone – and so was the impact of the ice; the ability to be frigid within the livingroom.
Perhaps this a dream simply telling me I’m on the right track?
I hope so.