Dreaming of What Will Never Come

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Ugh! I had the most unrealistic but amazing dream about him. 😦 *sigh*

I was at the church, and it was the first time we’d seen in person in years. I walk into the church and he’s in the waiting area, looks at me, looks to the ground, mumbles something about my name to himself in a rather sad and beckoning voice -I think it was actually a greeting, and heads out the door to putter around the front. I put my bible down in one of the pews and, sensing he wanted to talk to me, I leave out the front door, but I am uncertain if I should say hi. He comes around two more times as I make my way to the swings; again he mutters something under his breath and leaves. There was something strange about the condition of the swings – they were ruined, and damaged tree stumps are now where you would sit to swing, four of these stumps to be exact.They had rough edges uneven edges with some of the bark missing. They compacted together in the center, almost in the shape of a 4 leaf clover.

Finally I have no choice. I walk on over to Jay calling out his name. He ignores me now, so I pick up the pace and jog on over to him. I catch him after he’s walked across the street to one of the houses. I mention something about the swings, and how its a shame its been ruined, and he agrees. We start having this light conversation about something insignificant, but he’s hovering over me. He seems sad.

I tell him I miss him – and he says he misses me too. I grab hold of his hand for a little bit, and he stands up against me and holds me in his arms. I return the favor with a hug too. I bury my face into his chest, then shift so my head rests on his shoulder. He leans his head down so I feel how scruffy it is. Its only a little rough – and I enjoy it. I brush my cheek and nose up against his rough cheek – and in a move that’s beyond bold, I peck his cheek in a way I think is barley noticeable. He smiles, looks down at me, closes his eyes, and rests his lips against mine. I shift a little bit and purse my lips to form a kiss. It was just enough to encourage him, because he does the same and finishes what was started with a small kiss. My whole body was alight with sexual desire and need for him. In that one kiss, the sum of my teen years somehow seemed fulfilled, yet the promise of more was now looming in the air. It was everything I had ever hoped for. We back up a little and smile. I blush and stare down; he stares down and kinda kicks one foot. We look at each other again. He takes my hand and we walk towards the back entrance of the church – smiling like goofy idiots. Hell, I am a goofy idiot.

We make it inside and I forget what happens, but I know I wander off and find Stephanie. We start to talk it up and Jay comes back around and sits with us. I comment on how were short just two people from having the group back together – the bachelders. We start to laugh it up and talk, but then the dream shifts into the “general hospital” style drama.I was just conscious enough to find the concept of the new dream stupid, and I start to miss him, and I wake up.

Now that I’ve had a chance to process it – that was intense; too intense. Normally my dreams of him are bad – heart breaking even. I just dont understand why for two nights in a row now I’ve had such dreams about him. I must confess I miss him, but I don’t have any desire to actually approach him, and I have no idea how I’d react if he approached me. All I can say is that I hope today is a good day.

Oh – the symbolism of the swings being destroyed. I wonder why it was destroyed and rough tree stumps were left in its wake. The swing was there, but lay in shambles around it. I was heartbroken. I guess in real life those swings remind me of a happier time – my favorite times spent with him. Maybe it has something to do with that.

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