Stressed & Fearful

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I remember dreaming about Facebook. I was afraid Lydia LaJewel was on my other, more offensive Facebook was in my friends list. I was afraid and stressed she was seeing all the inappropriate jokes I post and telling everyone about it at the church. I began to panic a little and finally the dream faded off.

Then I dreamt I was in church, persevering on “revival” and how it hadn’t come, and how annoyed I was that this was the message being preached when I left 6 years ago, and when I come back, its still being preached which means it was unfulfilled. I know I was also beginning to worry about those damn surveys I had to do for college from the church.

Then I dreamt about how my bills… I had a money order for $100 to pay one of my bills, but I frantically ran around looking for the envelope so I know which bill I should pay since I had 3 of them to worry about. I couldn’t pay my phone since they dont take money orders, the electric was $300, and my rent is $902. I had no other bills to pay…. it felt like money going to waste since nothing was actually being paid off.

Towards the end I desperately scrambled internally for who I could possibly talk to that I trust. I wish I had someone to talk to… a real friend… and then his name ended up spilling from my lips; it was a moment of pure horror for me. I don’t understand since we haven’t been friends in years and he hates me… but he was the only one who came up in a moment of desperation when I was screaming from the inside out. 😦

I am beyond stressed, it’s consumed my dreams, and I have no one to talk too. I’m in a church where I no longer belong, I’m surrounded by people who I either can’t trust or feel guilty if I unload on them, and its moments like this when my abandonment issues come stumbling through the double doors tripping on their own two feet, wishing I had a boyfriend to unload on and fuck only to forget my problems and create the illusions of love.

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