For the first time ever I went on a 5k run. More than that, I ran at a hefty 240 pounds. The weight I lost 2 years ago slowly crept up on me, and now I’m fighting the same weight loss battle. More than that however, I had a break through moment running in that race.
I did 3.1 miles in 54 minutes, and I didn’t come in last. The reason? There was a mother with her 7 year old daughter with her behind me. The mother was thin, and I’m pretty sure if not for the daughter, I would have been last. In truth, I feel like I came in last place despite being technically second to last. It doesn’t matter though.
In truth, I am first and foremost PROUD of myself for running/walking in that race on the 1st. It was on my bucket list and I got it done, despite wishing it would end quicker. Second, I do want to participate in some sort of fitness/fun community, whether it be runners, bicyclers, hikers, or something else. I REALLY want fitness to be part of my lifestyle, and it was with that statement that I had my breakthrough.
I’ve ALWAYS wanted to do amazing fitness based activities like hike Mount Washington or go rock climbing, but I look at myself and think “I can’t. I’m too fat.” As far as rock climbing goes that’s probably realistic…. but a 5K or hiking? A 5K or any race of any kind was also in the “I can’t do it-too fat” list. My break through wasn’t my “I did it” moment, but my ability to realize how society conformed my identity as “a fat person”. I’ve recently been an avid believer in stating “I have fat” versus “I am fat”, whereas saying “I am fat” co-insides with my identity, but I didn’t know how it played on my identity… until just then. I allowed society to dictate what I can or cannot do as a fat person, thereby feeling even more helpless. More than once I’ve received hate letters from anti-fat people with images of Dr. Phil saying “You’re Fat. Don’t sugar coat the truth cause you’ll eat that too”, as well as anti-bbw images spreading hate for people with fat. Its amazing how discrimination for people with fat is rising, but in my moment of clarity when I realized all this negativity became a part of who I was, I finally said “no more”. My “I can’t do it” mentality was driven by how others dictated me based on my weight.
My goal or New Year Resolution is not to “loose weight”; I’ve been saying that for years and it got my very little, despite my best efforts. My goal this year is to enjoy life, and for me, that includes fitness based activities that I can have fun with. I wan’t to have fun and be who I am deep down inside. I love hiking, I’ve always wanted to rock climb, I want to run, I want to bicycle through the mountains and take pictures… I want to do a lot of these awesome fitness based activities, and all this time I allowed myself to be dragged down and say “I cant”. In truth, I can, and this time it’s about shedding a few internal layers of pain, and growing from the inside out, without the dictation of what others have to say.
Since the race, I’ve made time to hit the gym every day at 5am before work, and go to bed early for it. Because I have a car now and don’t walk everywhere, I realized how much my muscles have deteriorated because of it over the course of 2 months. I use to be able to do 40 minutes on the machines, and now I can do 20. For now, the objective is to increase my time by 5 minutes every week, so in the next few days, I’m gonna stick to 25 minutes, then 30 the week after, and so on till I hit an hour. I want to have fun and live life this year. I want to experience the joy that comes with it. I feel renewed in my objective and delighted with my direction. Naturally the weight will come off, but its not about the weight at it’s core, its about life and fun.
Sorry, but I just had to share…