I cried realizing just how lost and confused I am between science and religion, and not feeling a place of belonging because my thought processes, beliefs, and feelings are just so different from atheism and seventh-day adventism.
I cried for the sins of my church. So many people I know, aside from myself, have been hurt from their leaders both past and present. I walk in there with a mild sense of fear because it’s not a disability friendly church. With my son having a hard time there, it makes it impossible for me to go at times.
I cried because there is one person who might have the slightest idea as to how I think and feel about all this, and I’m unable to discuss it with that person. I struggle with no human to talk to or relate.
I cried because I feel anti-denominational.
I cried because I can’t be honest and say “I’m an evolutionist who believes in the big-bang theory”, but God forbid I say that to anyone in the church without being outcasted further.
I cried because as many conflicts as there are in the bible, the religious experience and all that’s contained their in is a real one. Call it a placebo effect, but I emotionally feel a major difference the moment I bring myself to prayer.
I cried because it’s a breeding ground of judgement, and I fear being judged. I don’t want to be told what to think or what to feel by anyone. I want to do my own research… but if I reach a conclusion thats different from mainstream faith, its just another burden to carry.
I cried for so many reasons in relation to all this… but in the end, all I have is my laptop to vent on with little in the ways of emotional support and understanding.