Taking a mental pause before picking up my son from daycare…. really I just forgot to grabs his snacks and money this morning before heading out, but whatevs.
There has just been too much on my mind…. too much.
First, I am eternally thankful for the friends that I have who support me…. my constants if you will. Lindsey, Ash, Auntie B, Kiki, Jen, Kylie, and many others… I walk away at the end of the day feeling cared for. This is perhaps more than I could possibly dare to dream of. I don’t know how they put up with me, and wonder why anyone would have the capacity to care, but gratitude and love is all I can express.
I am sad as well though. I’m not 100% sure why, other than the fact that I’ll have to make a decision soon as to my ex, but it is what it is. The sex is amazing, but I’m falling for him again. I just don’t want that. We’ve never actually had “that talk” if you will… what we’re sorry for, the mistakes we’ve made and lessons we’ve learned. Then again, we were always terrible about communicating our needs. Every time I do with anyone I cry and don’t understand why…. I feel like an idiot.
I’m anxious (as always) as well. On the one hand, I’m glad another piece of the puzzle fell in place… I have a social anxiety disorder, and now it makes sense. On the other, the bills always frighten me. I wish it didn’t scare me so much. I hate bills. Blah…
I’m happy, excited even, that I got into my masters degree program. I’m one step closer to living the dream I’ve had since I was little. Never wanted to go this far, and I’m shocked and amazed I have.
I wish I wasn’t a ball of emotion. Sometimes is sucks…. okay, it sucks most of the time… but that too I am thankful for. I see the beauty in the chaos, and can laugh when the problem is done. I grow a little one step at a time, but…. I don’t know. I just don’t know. I’m a coward I guess, forced to go along for the ride.