A love come undone

This one goes out to the one I love. This one goes out to the one I’ve left behind. – REM

I can’t stand it. I close my eyes, see his smile, and melt. It’s happening again, just like in the beginning when it all started. Amazing sex, an intimacy that’s largely one-sided, but still coupled with the desire to say “I love you”. There seems to be an undercurrent of reciprocity on his end, but much like myself, he doesn’t seem to wanna fall in too deeply. My trust for him is slim as a result of the drama of the past, and quite frankly I don’t wanna fall at all. My mind is screaming “STOP FUCKING HIM” and my body is screaming “ARE YOU CRAZY!?! HELL NO”, and a deeper part of me is starting to grieve. It’s that depth that kills me, both in love and despair. Chaos is beauty, and no such statement seemed evermore truer than that which reflects off this man. Sex fucking god-demon that he is. I never understood why he pursued me, other than having low-self esteem, which he’s attracted to himself based on his narcissistic personality disorder. That ability to manipulate and control is what really wants me to keep him at a distance. He started it today at the grocery store when he complained about me getting sub rolls because of how unhealthy they are. I chose to ignore it and bought it anyway… But slowly it begins. The truth is, part of me wants to sit down and openly and honestly discuss this. The other half of me says this is my problem, not his, so don’t bother saying anything unless he says something first. Pros and cons… Pros and cons… I started to open up, but he didn’t want to ask questions. He was always bad at that however, so there’s very little I could actually hold against him. All in all, he’s been amazing, but I’m bound to believe that his ability to be generous is solely for the benefit of our son, and the sex is simply primal and selfish, in perhaps the best of all contexts. The sex is mighty fine… Not much else I can say.

Sorry if this doesn’t read right. I’m typing this from my iPhone and it keeps editing on me. Will need to proof read and fix in the morning. For now, bed. Sweet dreams…

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