I hate my life

Please forgive the stero-typical teenage drama-feasting title, but I have been plagued by anxiety, stress, depression, and tears, and I was hoping it was PMS but it’s not. It’s life. I can’t stand it.

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1) I hate being a single mother

Let me make it known that I don’t hate being a mom. I love my son, and he means the world to me; what I hate is raising an autistic child by myself. Every time something comes up that even remotely looks like enjoying life comes up, I have to deny it because I have to place needs before wants. My ex on the other hand, even though he has many solid good points about him, is a selfish a-hole. I get jealous every time I hear that he got to go out and have fun with friends at late night concerts or go hiking up a mountain… I don’t get to do any of that. I hate being jealous. It’s not fair that I should have to take the full load of raising our son and he gets off scott free. There’s a new job I want to apply for thats $50k a year, more than enough to get me off the food stamps and live, but my ability to accept it hangs in the balance thanks to the time I have to spend driving to daycare in time to pick up my son before paying a late fee, picking up the babysitter, dropping them off at my house, and then drive an hour to concord to do my masters degree. As it stands I wouldn’t need to pay for a second babysitter if my ex would step up to the plate and help when I’m in school. His excuse is work hours, but he can adjust his schedule to make it work, but he doesn’t want too because he wants to spend time with his friends at their houses having fun when I can’t do the same. Shit, I cant even invite them over because of my crazy next door neighbor I keep calling the police on. All I wan’t is a little support for school, and a little freedom in order to take better care of myself. Is this so unrealistic? Is this too much to ask for? That reminds me…

2) The pressure from school is weighing on me

It turns out that in order for financial aid to bill my course with federal loans, I have no choice but to maintain at minimum a B- average or else I pay the term out of pocket, and can’t move forward until that bill is paid. I am literally fucked if I don’t do well. 😦 How am I supposed to do that if I accept a job that’s full time? By the same token…

3) I can’t afford to live right now

I received my notice saying my lease wont be renewed after 8 years of being here, thanks to a check bouncing in June and late payments…. of course they’re late, I don’t make enough money; but don’t tell the state that. Apparently I make enough to be able to lose food stamps by $20 if I go back to working a 30 hour work week. I work 24 now and can only put food on the table for 2 weeks out of the month…. in exchange I live disconnect notice to disconnect notice between the electric and my phone bill. I have to be sure I don’t go anywhere beyond work or else I don’t have enough gas to last me the week, and now Concord for schooling is another $30 a week on top of that. I’m lucky I didn’t have a late fee for my sons daycare expenses since I was short $20 and payed it last second. I’m always $200 a month behind bills in general, and if I work extra hours then my son looses social security and I lose state help, which puts me in an even worse situation. The guidelines for poverty are so outdated! I have to keep myself low income just to survive because my income is just barely on the standard line of income, but just enough to cripple us if I don’t!

Bills scare the shit out of me now. I get an anxiety attack just looking at my bank statement. Shit, I’m supposed to move Nov. 30th, and I can’t come up with a security deposit, just first months rent. What am I supposed to do? If I get an eviction notice, I can get help from the town with security deposit, but my credit score gets fucked, and I get sued for skipping one months rent just to save up for it, and then my chances of my doctorate get fucked and my interest goes up! That and they don’t want to give me my security deposit for the place I live now….

I hate it! I hate my life! I’m so ready to give up and I’m so sick of crying. I want something that resembles a life…. fun…. peace…. happiness… love that isn’t one sided…. This shouldn’t be too much to ask for.

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