Well, here we are… it’s New Years Eve 2014, and what a year it’s been. I’ve gone though a 5k race, a car accident, moving, failing a course for the first time, graduating with my bachelors despite the failure, starting my masters, going to therapy, and bridging the gap between me and my ex.
For my son he’s grown so much, and his language has increased in vocabulary and his ability to deliberately choose words (and actions). I have been tried and tested on a daily basis by that boy, but here I am another year fought.
What’s strange is that I can literally put myself in last years shoes and remember dancing and drinking the night away like it was yesterday. In truth, I have the ability to do exactly that, and I really want to considering the lack of social entertainment I regularly deal with, but there’s simply no quality to it.
I feel stretched and pulled this year; I’ve been challenged, grown, and reconnected with myself on a deeper level. It’s been a year of trials for sure, unlike anything I’ve experienced (and I hate dealing with anxiety), but I’m hoping this year things will be different. Perhaps I wont live in fear of the next struggle to come my way, but be proactive and try to work through it a little more healthfully before agonizing through panic attacks. Additionally I applied for a better position within the organization I work for, and I’m hoping I get the job with a decent paycheck. I also want to start going to CREATE for my internship, and I REALLY want to go to the US Virgin Islands. Money management would have to be a goal then… need a new crappy car and money to get things done.
I have to say I’m quite proud of myself despite the years worth of exhaustion. I overcame homelessness and managed to move our family to a new place after being evicted. I managed to get through my first term successfully despite the struggle. I am painting, investing in a skill of personal value, and even sold one of them. I’ve become more competent as an up-and-coming counselor, and am even able to use the experiences I’m gaining in counseling to learn in depth about who I am and what I’ll do. I’m very existential, which I couldn’t have even properly labeled at the beginning of the year, and am beginning to realize that this isn’t just therapy, it’s a journey. My original belief was that if I just told my life story and get it out there, then the sooner I can get through all the bull-shit and move on with my life…. but that’s not how it works. In my goal to become more authentic I’ve had to dig deep and open up to what I do that I feel embarrassed or shameful about, being challenged to learn how to deal with these emotions, and expose myself to the change I find is necessary. I’ve begun to discover my voice… my inner voice that I keep sealed up out of fear. I’ve challenged myself to speak up where normally I wouldn’t; I’ve even invited the neighbors upstairs on over to allow our kids to bond and help make a connection with them. I never would have taken the time to actively get to know my neighbors in the past…. I’m glad I have. Hopefully we can become friends and I can feel a little less isolated.
I guess as I just spill my thoughts out on clicking keys, what I find is I have goals – resolutions that I’ve already started and want to continue. I want to learn how to be me. I want to feel proud of myself. I want to learn how to be gentle with myself. I want to learn how to love myself. I want internal emotional health and the ability to shine outwards by simply being who I am. In this ritualistic time of objectives and goals that we set ourselves up to fail at 88% of the time, perhaps being real is the only goal I need this year, and that one goal can encompass all that.
Once again I’ve made new friends, lost old ones, and reconnected with some I never expected too, but the quality of the journey I find is changed, molded, challenged, and shape by the people you walk it with. I also closed the door on Seventh-day Adventist, and am opening the door to new opportunities as to discover an interpersonal spirituality – a relationship with myself (insert masturbation joke here). I’ve explored new places from Maine to Massachusetts that have been incredible, and hope to continue this spirit and desire for adventure. I’ve hated this year, and I’ve also loved this year.
This has been my 2014, and will be my 2015.