So Many Insecurities

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This has been a trying week that needs a hefty does of therapy for the next 3 hours…. too bad I only qualify for one on a Tuesday when I should really make it a Friday.

So first of all…. work. We had this meeting on Friday where the entire organization got into split into 3 groups, and discuss ideas for the future of the organization. In the end, one of my coworkers was giving his spiel when I chimed in and my boss ended up telling everyone that we’re not here to play the blame game, especially where we’re understaffed. The objective (on my end) was not blaming. I did not name names, nor did I turn around and say “this sucks”, so much as I pointed out the need for improvement. In the end I felt like shit the rest of the day for opening my mouth and saying anything, and my boss ended up giving a separate speech about the points that my coworker made. At first I internalized it and shit on myself with more self-defeating messages of why I’m a fuck-up who inadvertently offended my bosses again, but then I thought critically about it from two other angles.

My bosses see this as their jobs. Therefore, if something is wrong or lacking, it’s perceptively “their fault”. While “technically” you could say this is true, no one as far as staff is concerned believes our bosses are at fault really, when we’re understaffed by approx. 15 people + on average, which means they can’t do their jobs. Is that really their fault then that we have these problems? No, of course not, because the needs we have on ground level take a strong precedence to the point that their jobs are now neglected without choice, and their bosses know this.

With that said, there is now a pattern of defense emerging from my bosses that I’m beginning to notice… when people have ideas as to how to improve day center, there is an almost immediate reaction to our ideas with “we’re understaffed and can’t even do our own jobs”. No one wants to offend them, and no one is saying they aren’t doing their jobs. As a matter of fact, they’re doing an amazing job. Still, should this mean that we’re not allowed to voice what changes we wish to see later on down the road? Furthermore, what can we as DSP’s do with minimal intervention from those above, but still maintain accountability to help improve the quality of services given? If anything, I’d say it isn’t fair that I now feel as if my voice is restricted because I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes, but now we are all collectively called to help strengthen the organization, which means creative planning and ideas to be shared. Do I REALLY want to be criticized or internally agonize every time I open my mouth with an idea that’s potentially creative/constructive/positive for us as a whole? I’ve said before that few things would make me leave this organization, but a lack of support from them was in fact at the top of my list. I’m sorry, but if I don’t find a way to communicate this soon with some level of intervention then I may be forced to leave, and I’ve never been more serious about something I’m so passionately dedicated too.

Moving on, I’ve just read the first chapter of my helping skills book and oh-my-God do I feel inadequate. This is such a rock bottom and horrible place for me. Even though I started making the necessary changes towards personal growth and development early on, there is still so much before me that worries me. My self-esteem, although it has improved, is still low. I have come to realize just how much I am my own worst enemy. I have such a self-murderous internal dialogue with myself that I just…. I’m ashamed of myself…. and then I feel even worse for feeling that way when that in and of itself fuels the problem. Additionally, even though journaling is a great independent first step, that can’t be the only step towards personal self-care, and I hate establishing routines of self-care; it no longer feels like a positive step, but a negative step because I “have to”. By the same token it’s a mandatory personal requirement if I’m ever expected to be even “decent” as a professional within the field. My personal needs include freedom and the ability to be spontaneous, but now I have to have that taken away even more on top of my schedule I endure. I hate the feeling of slavery, which is why I fear bills…. I suppose if I draw that emotion backwards however this really boils down to my feelings of “slavery” within the family system I was brought up in… I never really made that connection before until now. I should probably bring that into therapy….

My next moment was based on this one right here:

Now AFTER you’ve watched the video, I will say this much…. to me it’s like religion, you mix a little bit of truth with a little bit of fantasy and you have something that people want to buy into and believe. It was based on this complex that Freud coined the term Oedipus complex and thus is deep fascination with all things sexually based continue. Personally I find a lot of bullshit on a surface level. The Oedipus complex does not explain pedophilia, single-parent homes, and no matter how hard you try to reason or justify it, it does NOT explain LGBT relationships, especially if you were brought up in a same-sex household. This much is just pure bullshit. Furthermore I don’t believe we end up wanting to murder the opposite sex parent and end up deeply repressing it. This process of repression however is VERY real, and in a conflicting light, I’m finally beginning to see it unfold with my own personal “relationship” shall we say….. I believe patterns of dysfunction exist, and I do believe they can start in early adulthood/childhood on some level, especially if we have gone through a very traumatic experience and do not have the skills necessary to work through it…. and lets be honest, a 6 year old has very limited skill set as to how to deal with “adult problems” (not talking about sex as referred to Oedipus Complex, but if a child was raped then yes, sex could be part of this discussion). For me however it was being kidnapped quite frankly, along with the mind-fucks that pursued thereafter. I can see how not having my mother as a child, and wondering why she’s gone developed a repetitious mindset for me to replay horrific facts, truths, and realities over and over again in my head. I can see that I went actively looking for people to replace my mother, or at least fulfill the needs I didn’t have of nurturance, physical embracement, and the overall feelings of love associated to not having my mother. In short, there have been a lot of childhood thought processes I have used as defense mechanisms in my past that manifest itself today with current problems. That abandonment created a deep sense of loss, and a progressive fear of change. This in and of itself I think ties into what this whole thing is about, which is repetition compulsion. Now, in her video she creates this sense of desperation so that you will continue to buy into what she says and purchase her crap by telling you that there is no hope because fate is predetermined and controls you, but as a mental health professional, I refuse to see life as this backwards bullshit system of slavery. Yes, we do have to look inwards understand who we are; this awareness is part of what she preaches. Furthermore the process of becoming slaves to our past insomuch as we are doomed to repeat the same bullshit with our romantic partners is true as relates to defense mechanisms and repetition compulsion. The mentality on some unconscious level is “it feels right because its something I know” versus “it feels wrong because it’s something I don’t know”. For example, a woman in a abusive relationship may run to a different man who ends up abusing her as well, even though she certainly didn’t want, need, or ask for it. Instead, she sticks around because in tiny doses which confronted with a problematic situation, she may think she can work her way through it and all will be well. She’s been in this before, and she’s hoping and trying for a different outcome, but in the end she ran back to the negative patterns she is used to from another man because on an unconscious level, it’s something she knows. Furthermore, her reactions may serve to validate that. It’s a fear of change on some level, and I can certainly apply a fear of change in my own life. In some ways this makes sense to me… on another level however, I don’t believe it. Whats hard for me to grasp is why I would unconsciously want a man who validates the bad parts about me, which is ultimately what my own therapist is arguing. It’s frustrating, it’s aggravating, its annoying, its confusing…. I can identify with comfort zones and fear of change and why that would lead to repetition….. what I don’t comprehend is the whole manifestation of it in my own life, especially since I don’t have a solid grasp on this concept just yet, and my therapist didn’t explain it as well as this video did. Still, this woman is not 100% accurate, and part of it is because she’s marketing herself by creating an eternal sense of hopelessness unless you depend on her guidance.

Last, and the foundation for the burden that’s been piling on this week, is a fight I had with my ex. It started with a tablet my son got for Christmas valued at $110. By this point it was less than a month old, and now it broken because my son was put to bed with no diaper on and he pee’d on it. Insurance wont cover it and so it’s pretty much gone…. no, rice didn’t do a thing. Aris got a hold of me to ask if there were more diapers, and there were 2 when I left, one of which my son was putting on, when I walked out the door, so technically 1 was left. At some point after Aris put our son to sleep, he took a nap, and woke up some time later to find my son awake, in my room, and with no diaper on…. when Aris went to put him back down, there were no diapers, which means Sy had put on the last one and pee’d on that too. Still, after speaking with me and me telling him I had no more diapers and no more money, he puts him to bed without one and goes home once he’s able too.

Now, three things…. A) If you have no money for diapers and put your son to bed without one, then obviously there is nothing you can do. If however you have money to buy them and choose not too, thats just negligence. In my ex’s case, he chose not too. Strike one. B) When I got home I found out that my son had taken the garbage bags I used to transport my clothes too and from the laundry mat were torn to pieces and scattered all over my bedroom, giving the impression that my room was trashed. Thank God he’s almost 6 or it could have been a lot more serious…. C) As a parent, if you saw there was a plastic yellow banana in your kids bed, don’t tell me there was no chance that the tablet was in his bed when clearly you didn’t care enough to check in the first place, let alone to go a mile and a half down the road to walmart to buy your kid diapers. Somehow however, rather than saying sorry and choosing to own up to his negligence, he blames me and states

A) Our son must have woken up in the middle of the night again and put that there, and because it was under my watch, it was my fault.
B) Our son (who has Autism) should be 100% potty trained by now, so again it’s my fault.
C) He minimizes the situation by saying it’s done and over with and “no sense crying over spilled milk”.

To which I reply:
A) I was up until midnight and awake before he was. While there is a possibility he could have woken up, if he had, he would have come see me, which is his only behavior he exhibits once he’s woken up. In other words, based on raising my son by myself after 5 years, and knowing how he behaves, he didn’t wake up or else he would have woken me up. Simple as that.
B) Our son has Autism, and we’re lucky he even knows how to use a toilet! Furthermore, he has done absolutely NOTHING to potty train him, and doesn’t know how. I however, did manage to get him to pee on the potty and made sure to reward the behavior so it continues…. that was a year ago, and is a solid success. I have been potty training him, so what the fuck is his excuse? Oh, thats right, he has none, and is trying to critique my parenting from the sidelines when he’s never really been a father in the first place. Spilling your seed and having the woman pop out your kid hardly qualifies you as a “good father”.
C) That man LOVES computers, and what is a tablet but a simplified computer. If someone were to walk into his home and break his computers, all of them, he would not turn around and say “no use crying over spilled milk”, not would he be so quick to say “Oh well, I can recover the data and rebuild them all, no big deal”, especially if the damage makes that impossible. For the sake of comparison, we’ll say it is. No, that tablet is my son’s “only computer”, and he loved that thing. Educationally is served a purpose, and that’s valuable for a kid with developmental needs. Furthermore candy is less than a buck…. that tablet was $109 more than a piece of candy. Furthermore put yourself in your sons shoes…. how would you feel if you were a child and your favorite thing broke after having it for so short a time? Is it really so hard to just say

A) I’m sorry.
B) I don’t think I’m responsible even though I didn’t check his bed to see if it was there, so there is a chance that I am partially responsible however we just don’t know.
C) He IS my son and I should make it up to him somehow.

Instead, I got shit on, and that wasn’t even the worst of it. Instead he says
A) You should pay for me babysitting our son and for grief
B) I caught you playing on the Wii U instead of potty-training our son at that moment, so you’re the negligent parent
C) Make your dad fix it because I’m not gonna.

Are you fucking kidding me? I woke up at 7:30, got our son ready for school, dropped him off, went home, finished getting ready for work, got gas, worked till 12, got lunch, went to therapy, got home to clean up before heading an hour west for school, forgot to get dinner for you both and went back out and got some, picked up sy on the way through, got home, and decided to spend the next 10 minutes before heading out to take a moment for myself to breathe, and you wanna chastise me for that? And yes, it only took 10 minutes to finish that circuit on mario kart, so fuck you. Furthermore you cheated on me, invited your ex over to have sex on my bed, had multiple dating/casual sex profiles on the internet, lied to your sister and told he our kid wasn’t yours, and you have the nerve to ask for the grief of having to bed a dad? How about you pay ME considering you’re the only one between the both of us who has both a life and freedom… THEN you tell me that you’d put our son in an adoption agency if you could, but somehow thats meant to be a joke…. tell me, at what point do you find that funny when I know there is some truth to what you said, considering you never wanted to be a dad. Also, you attempt to hold my passwords as hostage to try and control me again? Surprise, not only had they all been changed so none of the passwords you have work, but I know all this information about you because  A) your friends told me you had my passwords, and B) you left your passwords saved in my computer years ago, and after changing all my passwords and blocking me from certain websites years ago, for once I wanted to see what that was like and do that back…. I had no idea however, the severity of your lies and depravity, and the fact that it would force me to a mental break down. Could you pay me for putting me on the edge of suicide by the way? Of the two of us, I’m the only one who stands justified and disrespected. If you don’t like the truth, then don’t create the drama…. I can only hope he was serious when he wanted my therapists info and actually plans on calling her…. if all this bullshit doesn’t resolve soon then I’ll be forced to drag him into court before moving on.

At then end of a 5 day mind-fuck feast, I’m done…. I’m just so done…. and seriously, it pisses me off that he doesn’t genuinely give a shit about me OR our child, or else he might actually treat us with the same care and concern he shows his evil fucking ex. If I were in the ER he wouldn’t be by my side at all, especially if it was because of an obvious mental break…. oh that’s right…. he put me in the hospital for that reason. At the very least I should probably NOT be involved with him if he’s going to be involved with his now-“male”-ex, although I’m pretty sure she hasn’t had any procedure beyond hormone therapy. It’s nice to know you care about her when she’s suffering but you don’t give a shit about me.

Seriously. Fuck you. She can stay in the hospital after she stalked me for a good 45 minutes and you called me a liar. Cunt….

If the only secret I had was finally hacking into your account after years of being lied too the day after my birthday in 2012, then I can’t say I’ve done anything wrong or unjustified in comparison to what you did behind my back. Also, I know damn well you had sex with that chick in Concord that you went to “visit”. I know what just-fucked hair on you looks like, and the picture is telling.

3 hours later and I’ve finally processed all this crap on some level. Damn I hate this shit. I really should just leave him but again, more of what makes me fucked up in the head…. damn I wish I didn’t hate myself so much.

“Mass Hysteria” – Korn

Wake up
It’s almost over
Something is taking me
Everytime I’m up it kills me
With day to day
Shockwaves shatter meI don’t beg in security
Get up and
Don’t look back now
Don’t look back nowWe ride a dying star
Across a burning sea
We’re like a supernova now
The fire is burning in me
MASS HYSTERIA, MASS HYSTERIAGiving up
I won’t stop fightning
Bring it on, it wont phase me
Everytime it makes me stronger
With day to day
Shockwaves shatter me

I don’t beg in security
Get up and Don’t look back now
Don’t look back now

We ride a dying star
Across a burning sea
We’re like a supernova now
The fire is burning in me
MASS HYSTERIA, MASS HYSTERIA

Go on day to day
Stirring up the happy sorrow
Why does life got be this way?
Everytime I’m up it kills me
Somewhere deep, responding change
Manipulation rapid all around
Dark all these days
Calling on something to follow

Mass hysteria (Mass hysteria)
We ride a dying star
Across a burning sea
We’re like a supernova now
The fire is burning in me
MASS HYSTERIA, MASS HYSTERIA

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