At this point I have to talk about the love addict/love avoidant dependency dynamic because I’m officially chasing the hurricane, caught up in the mental storm of addiction, and I need to find my grounding…
Looking backward through this blog from the very beginning, I suddenly see my fears of abandonment and the fantasies of unconditional love I used as a band-aid to tend to my wounds, licking my emotional scars as a dog would after getting its ass whooped by the wild animal it tried to acquaint itself with… But for once I’m not looking on myself with shame… How could I? It was the only escape I had to run away from the trauma of childhood, even if I was no longer… Am no longer a child. I look upon myself with sympathy… I did what I had too to survive. There was no other way. Now I need to grow up, face my fears, and learn something new; finally dive into self-care and self-compassion practices to ground myself with.
Now that I know it’s dysfunctional, the boundaries i unskillfully use, how I use a wall of anger and a wall of silence to avoid taking ownership of my vulnerability due to my fear of being punished for saying “I’m a human and I have needs”, for believing that in acknowledging that I have needs for nurturance and love and support and affection, I’ll be abandoned and people will run away… Now that I know that this is what needs to be fixed to have more healthful relationships, maybe I won’t be so afraid to make friends and keep them.
That’s the irony though with love addicts and their attraction to love avoidants – love avoidant fear abandonment too, but their fear is based on the shame they felt when they had a parental relationship of emeshment that created this duty or obligation that the child was meant to be a mind reader and heal the parent where the spouse has failed… They felt a sense of value and purpose nurturing the parent, but then felt deep shame and guilt when they failed to meet that parents needs, and as a result, intimacy becomes too intense, relationships become difficult because they bring the love avoidant down, and they fear being pittied. They hate being tied down, and they fear that they can’t met their lovers needs, and where the love addict has a hard time deciphering needs and taking ownership- it’s a perfect storm.
This explains so much of my relationships with a few select people that I’ve been wounded by. I look up to the love avoidant as strong, composed, and has their shit together because they hide behind a wall of being so calm when internally… They wage a war. They engage themselves in so many activities (distancing technique of control) that the love avoidant avoids intamacy while maintaining appearances of a healthy relationship. In the end the love addict doesn’t get the intamacy they crave and resentment begins. The Oedipus complex for both gets carried out, and a toxics relationship is born.
Damn. Damn it all to hell. I don’t want to chase the high. For the first time in a while I ran back to my fantasy palace and all I wanted to do was nurture and heal his wounding – that’s when i realized I was trying to take on the hero/saviour role to fix someone to tend to my wounds and increase my self worth really, the crash that comes after the high set in, and all I felt was shame… Shame because I knew this was a boundary violation on my part and you can’t really love someone if you don’t respect their boundaries, and you don’t really value yourself when you surrender so much of your thoughts to someone because that amount of obsession shows you made them/him/her/it your higher power, exposing ones damaged sense of spirituality…
Awareness really is the first step towards healing; the more I press onwards, the easier I hope this gets. My question is, am I a recovering love addict forever? I wish I had someone to share this journey with.