To Decompress

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I called out of work and said “fuck it, I need a day off.” Considering I had a 3 day weekend I shouldn’t need time off like this, but I need to make joy my priority today. I still carry around my therapy books like a good little Christian soldier ready to heal the masses but this time, I’m here to heal myself. I’m so burnt out… So exhausted… But in the end I’m finally proving to myself and myself alone that I am strong and able to handle this, and in acknowledging that……. *sigh*.

I don’t want this to be about arrogance through faulty levels of pride, I want this to be an authentic pride that’s more gentle in nature… A tree that has its roots buried in the unconscious, pulling its nutrients to the surface and allowing the light from above to help bloom from within.

Gentle; learn to be gentle with myself. I should really… There’s that word again – should. *sigh* it doesn’t exist. Maybe through grieving I can connect with that sorrow that begs for gentleness and nurturance. I want to be strong… And I need to be vulnerable. Strength has always been a wall to shield vulnerability so… I need to find a way to balance this – strong & gentle. Have I always followed such a masculine message of strength that casts aside gentleness as a form of weakness? I don’t think I’ve really registered this before.

Theres beauty to be found in all of this; a beauty to be found in me…. One step at a time.

its nice to have some time in a coffee shop to think, feel, observe, and become. There’s a baby girl about 8 months old to the right and she is gorgeous… I need to connect with that inner child – my inner child. In my therapy session a few years back I was doing eyes closed therapy… And I found her in my minds eye… A small girl hugging her knees to her chest, dirty face to contrast her genteel complexion mixed with the stain of tears and tattered clothing… She’s been down there for so long… My whole life it feels as if she’s been down there. I looked at her at the bottom of the well – a purple and red haze of glowing light surrounded her but didn’t touch her… I was so terrified. I balled my eyes out for days knowing I was that child trapped at the bottom of a well, it was my inner child I locked up and kept out of reach, and I’ve carried guilt about it since then because I ran away from her… I abandoned her… I was terrified of this small child and I don’t know why. I hated her. I hated her and I don’t know why… And gently she sobs. Only now that I’m connecting with that pain can I connect with her… And gently I sob.

Im in the part of my book that discusses the difference between a child raised in a healthy home and what abuse does to a child… I’m fighting myself to read it; on the one hand reading about functional children feels useless, but on the other hand, it’s helping me to connect with the pain… How I should have been raised… To affirm for myself that how I was treated as a child was not okay.

I need this. The masochist within me commands it – I need to heal,  I need to get through this, I’m desperate to get through this. Soul cleansing waters of salvation is on the other side and for once it’s not dictated or predetermined who I am after or what I’m in for… I have no idea what it’ll look like when I’m done… Those waters… Those are tears.

I don’t want to see my therapist grieve for me again. I remember sharing some personal perspective I have of myself and she started to weep… And then I started to weep. “What are you connecting with, carol?” “You’re crying… You’re crying and I don’t know why. You’re crying and it makes me feel as if you understand something that I don’t and it makes me sad…” I felt as if it was something about the healing process, the journey, or perhaps she was grieving because she could see how amazing I am when I cannot, or perhaps she’s experienced what I’m going through and she needed to connect with that pain too… It was empathy. It wasn’t pitty. The moment was too intense and too unified.

i don’t know…

i need to greive…

i need to cry…

i need to connect with that pain and reach that hurdle. I don’t know how or why but freedom will be found in those tears – I just know it… If only I wasn’t in a coffee shop trying to stuff it all down like I normally do.

im on the right path… I just need to trust the process. For now a little bit of shopping to cheer my spirits will be nice, then the library… Perhaps it’s time to greive, and I need to give myself permission to do that…

 

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