Numb for Words

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I am so tired… Drained. Exhausted. Beside myself in weariness and weakness. The journey inward is exhausting. Self-care is exhausting. Emotions are exhausting. Everything is just… So… I can’t put it into words. This is one of those moments I wish I was more familiar with languages beyond my own, since the English language is both confusing and left in wanting for depth in its meaning.

I’m hungry for meaning.. I’m drained by meaning.

Somehow I still don’t grieve… It’s like a tidal wave that threatens to break but never does, leaving surfers everywhere bummed out and disappointed.

Disappointed… This word resonates with me somehow… Is that why I’m so tired inside? Am I disappointed in myself; disappointed that I’ve suddenly stalled on the emotional front of healing but immersed in literature that keeps me moving forward? It’s possible, but it’s not everything I’m connecting with.

Feeling sad somehow would be better in this moment for at least the source would be more discernalble without all this stagnancy…. Am I being impatient with myself, and my psyche won’t allow me to break anymore than I’ve conquered? Ugh… I’m tired… So tired…

There’s so much I should be happy about too; got home from a doctors visit where I stepped on a scale for the first time in 6 months and found out I lost 25 pounds without trying, I hung out with Alex today and discovered the most gorgeous wooded area in Newmarket with trails and dams and richness from all angles. I got money in the bank account and am able to afford ubers for the next few days. My laptop was finally fixed and I can pick it up tomorrow… There’s so much to rejoice… It can’t be the new SSRI’s I’m taking, which I have to say, I’m pretty impressed with. After 6 months of use the neuro receptors for seretonin should have created more openings to allow for emotional regulatity, so I won’t be on them forever (which is always my fear). I have no problem with other people taking anti-anxiety meds or anti-depressants and respect everyone who does, but the moment I take them I fear I’m crazy and condemned…. And Ben…

Ben.

His damn tone of voice when it comes to me taking medications bothers the fuck out of me sounding arrogant and conceited; it was becaus of our fight I was brought so low to this point and now… I have next to nothing in terms of trust for him. There’s so much anger and hurt and feelings of deception around him… But I don’t want to think on that now; between stressed and being tired, I’ll take tired any day.

i miss me. I don’t know why I feel compelled to say this but I do… I miss me but yet I’m right here… Why does something feel so wrong?

What have I done…

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