Nobody Loves Me

I texted Ben a little while ago just to ask how’s it going, and he didn’t respond… Again. It’s my biggest trigger cause I know he does this on a conscious level – looks at the phone and says “nope” for some people, but will respond at the drop of a dime with others.

I hate this feeling of rejection and he goes out of his way to keep his walls up; he won’t say anything to me in person unless it’s a question, and conversations consist of me asking him questions with no back and forth talk. The closest I get to hanging out with him is playing splatoon and again, I’m just pulling a thread by asking questions to engage in dialogue; I mean last night was the first time in a month where it felt like I was hanging out with a friend again, and today it’s “I can’t be bothered with you.” For ages if I texted he follow up in 5-30 minutes – now he’ll just out right ignore me.

The only thing I connect with is rejection, then loneliness, then finding some extreme to push these feelings away due to the pure intensity that stems from fear and hate.

The mantra I had when I was 10 is now flying back in my face, and I totally forgot till this moment… “Nobody loves me. Nobody cares about me. Nobody ever could. I hate everyone (for feeling this way). I want to die.”

It was black… Nobody loves me. I told myself as a statement of truth and to protect myself; if I approached people believing they hated me then I won’t feel broken when they tell me what’s wrong with me or blow up and eventually leave.

How could someone do this to a child…

I would like to believe this is just Ben being busy, but if he took 2 seconds to say “wtf” when my computer broke, and I text immediately after to say “how’s it going with you”, then don’t pretend to care.

I hate it when people pretend to care or make things so unstable by sending mixed messages, and I can’t talk about it to him either. I don’t want him to throw it in my face that were not friends when I say “I’m feeling upset because you won’t respond and that makes me feel like you don’t want me in your life”, only for him to meet it with “well, yeah, that’s the point.” By the same token I don’t want a fight… So I sit with these feelings and try to trace them back, but it sucks living with a roommate who makes it clear that they don’t enjoy or welcome your presence.


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