“I love you, and I am listening”.
What was the impact?
I was doing a guided meditation and was promoted to do this, noticing my internal reactions… It was strange to me. A deep chasm opened up inside of me… Something was contained therein, almost like a crater that sunk deeper each time I said it, and was filled with some mysterious dark liquid or heavy gas that I was unable to identify. It resonated with me somehow in order to have had the impact it did, but I don’t understand what I was feeling. It wasn’t uplifting… It was dark, kinda sad, and heavy, but still, it resonated.
Attempting to look deeper I realized that this chasm inside of me is ultimately space… A space that needs to be filled. This space is making room for something, and I won’t know what it is unless I keep going.
I wonder though… In my last mental health post, I explored my relationship with my need for control and how that creates safety… But this chasm… Which I can only assume is meant to be filled with self-love… Is that the counter-balance for control? Is the cure for control this chasm?
I truly don’t know, just speculation on my part. I was working out of Louise L Hays workbook for love yourself, heal your life, and the very first subject it has you address is the concept of “deserving” and the illusion it sort of presents… It challenged me to think of what I believe I’m undeserving of and the falsehood contained therein… I wrote love. I feel I am undeserving of love inherently and wholly. This prompted me to my tattoo on my left forearm… It says
“The fact that I exist means that I am worth loving.”
It strips away the concept of deserving, but I always related it to a concept of otherness, not myself. Other people should love me because I exist, pure and simple – not that people HAVE too, but if I’m gonna let you into my life and have such a deep impact, then love should be there… I deserve to feel loved, but never really applied it to myself. I deserve to love myself because I exist. It feels so foreign on some level…
Again, I don’t know where I’m going, but I know I’m on the right track.