Don’t Smile, I’ll Scream: The Pit of Childhood Abuse

I’m so confused, and I hate him and me for feeling this way.

“I’ve figured out what I’m getting you for Christmas”.

Wtf… What do you mean you’re getting me something for Christmas? You told me we weren’t friends, just acquaintances. What kind of mixed fucking messages are you trying to send me? I can’t trust your kindness – I’m physically and emotionally incapable of doing so, incapacitated from the bonds of trust with you.

Are you doing this because you want too? Are you doing this out of guilt for going to Texas? Honest to god someone buying me anything for Christmas is a huge deal, just like remembering me on my birthday or getting me something… For the love of God don’t FaceTime me while you’re down there, and don’t tell me you miss us, you don’t know how much I fear your kindness right now and hate you for it. I’m backed into a cage ready to cry and ready to crack. You can’t do this to me.

“I’ll get you an uber so you don’t have to walk to work.”

Why? We’re not friends – you said so yourself. You established that boundary. You don’t follow me on Facebook anymore and you unfriended me on tumblr – I hate myself for everything I did to you because you made it seem like I fucking ran you over and destroyed you. Who the fuck do you think you are attempting to be kind to me? Don’t you dare get my hopes up – don’t you fucking dare. Stay away from me. Who the hell do you think you are to stomp on my emotions, throw me into the pit of despair, retraumatize me (as my therapist put it), tell me we’re not going to talk about it, and suddenly waltz back into my life – fuck you. I was suicidal for the whole of September and our fight caused it. How the hell can you be so heartless and then pretend to have one now… You’re so cruel for pretending to be so kind. 

I hate crying…

I hate crying in public…

I don’t know if I should stop…

Please stop caring about me. The pain from that is so much easier to deal with…

I know these are childhood scars, and I know this is all very immature, but it’s real for me, and valid to a certain extent. Judge me as you wish, but I don’t even understand my pain right now… Please, just leave me alone. I can only hope you don’t read my blog and don’t know the URL like you told me… Don’t be a liar too. 


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