Yesterday I conducted the Samhain ceremony for myself, and wrote some very deep and profound things to be released – old beliefs that are more harmful than helpful, feelings of fear, anger, and self-harm, and levels of resentment and control I have uncovered. As it said, I wrote it down and tore it into long strips.
From there I went on a journey towards my inner child, and switched places with her from the bottom of the well. The feelings I had experienced toward Ben on a reactive attachment level came up as I was looking at my inner child, and I asked her how to let go of this…
“Appologize. Promise me you’re going to do better; promise me you won’t do this again.”
Somehow I was fearful that this was manipulative, but I knew it was not meant to be controlling. I promised myself that I would try to nurture those places she carried, and I hugged her. As the spell states, I went on a journey and opened a door. When I opened it there was blinding light, and my inner child was standing at me through the doorway, beconing me to go through. Once I did, the meditation where I had been asked to “cultivate a garden of love” came through, and what I saw was a mountainesque scenery that reminded me of Switzerland or Austria, with a small stone house and a garden. I saw myself in a dress, healthy and glowing, and my job was to care for this place. My inner child was happy, dancing, and carefree. Then around the corner was an old woman, me, my future self, and she was my wisdom. The triple moon played out as my inner child, my current self, and my future self were now aligned in this place. She took me out a tour of sorts and showed me around. She told me I was on the right path, and to embrace the inner goddess.
Blackness unfolded before me again, but this time they were memories of real life… Memories of my childhood. I saw myself looking into my pink and white vanity I use to play with as a child. Memories of redden gardens popped up. I could hear my grandmother angry in the background for cutting my hair. I looked so sad, and felt it too. I saw my old bed and the quarters under my pillow my mom had left me when I lost my tooth. I saw myself as a child back at sunnyhurst apartments looking up at the doorway alone. I saw myself after I was kidnapped living in those apartments just off of exit 8W, and I was sad and alone then too. I saw myself in Florida when I was 8 in lots altos, sad and alone. It was in this moment I hugged my inner child, and tried to tell her she wasn’t alone. It was in this moment my inner child sobbed, because the very thing I did was the very thing I craved my mother doing but could no longer receive.
This ceremony has peeled away another layer of the onion, and just like an onion, intensity towards tears is starting to unfold. All morning I’ve been dealing with difficult emotions related to reactive-attachment wounding. I did a healing love wounds meditation and it touched the very experience Im coping with now.
This hurt… This hurt so much, but in a good way. I was anywhere between 8 and 10 when I felt this way… Tense in the shoulders, swelling of the throat, furrowed brows, clenched fists, and a wrecking ball in the pit of my stomach. I just happened to be in touch with similar emotions when I decided to do this meditation. I promised myself I wouldn’t let anyone in… I got angry and promised myself not to let anyone in to protect myself; I hated the world and the world hated me because at least in this way I won’t feel sad and scared when shame and disappointment arises. What new promises can I make to myself? What new messages can I put in? At this point I’m not 100% sure, but I know it needs to include embracing my inner child and asking for guidance and forgiveness. This will be the path towards success.
This is what I wrote in my meditation journal… Even now I feel this, and there’s a small snse of anxiety, but not by much… It’s anger. It’s intense, and even though I physically feel this anger, I emotionally feel a sense of despair. I know I’m on the right path, and I need to continue forward.
The moment I got my color deck, I knew I needed to draw the rainbow and pearl cards. I didn’t remember what the meaning was, and I wasn’t sure if I would trust my instinct, but I pulled them anyway. Using my energy I pulled the orange and yellow cards as well. I don’t have the booklet on me but I know the pearl is to connect with the divine, yellow is access innovate thinking, orange was to nurture myself, and rainbow was to connect with nature. Rainbow also connects me to the chakras, and I’m going back to my chakra book to reread it. While meditating and doing spell work I noticed how tight my back was, and with all the weight I’ve been losing, I should probably start doing yoga again and running since it would help a lot. I just wish I had energy at night, but if it’s the only time I have on work days, I should make constructive use of it.