Who Do I Want To Be


Who do I want to be?

The truth is I thought I had it all figured out… Mapped, planned, carefully considered based on “who I am”, but I don’t know who I am anymore, and as a result, I’m uncertain of who I want to be.

I’ve lost my drive for schooling, and with so much in my life going on, I feel unqualified to pursue it, but I still intend to apply because by next year I may have a different perspective.

Who am I? Am I kind because I want people to see me as kind? Am I kind because I’m learning how to be kind?

Who am I? Am I a monster because of how I’ve blindly treated others in my ignorance? Am I blind? Am I ignorant?

Am I sensitive? Yes… This much is true. Thinking that I am somehow blind or ignorant does feel hurtful inside… it doesn’t feel like the guiding sort of pain either… It feels different.

So I am sensitive… Am I fragile? I believe I’m getting to that place. The warrior in me wants to believe that setting myself up for harm gives me the ability to overcome or conquer my weaknesses… But rushing into battles doesn’t respect all of me. Children shouldn’t fight, and the inner child in me I’m 90% certain doesn’t want that…

I labeled myself an over-eater, but I’ve mysteriously lost 25 pounds, and I’m still going… Though I’m sure the anti-anxiety med has something to do with it. With the amount of stress I’ve been under for years perhaps I was just judging myself too harshly without looking at the full story.

I look at how my dad describes me… “You were a very angry child.” Before that I was very insecure, and my grandmother was my source of protection where my mom was lacking… I was a very wounded child. I’m a very wounded adult. I can’t say I don’t want to be wounded because denying my wounds is simply running away in some way shape or form at this point… I want to learn to love myself, and my wounds… I want to feel whole. I am spiritual, and I want to feel spiritually enlightened. I’m a runner, and I want to go back to running…

I’ve done this before, this similar exercise – think of stories that highlight who you are… But shame is a barrier that prevents me from understanding forgiveness… Somehow it’s easier to forgive myself now than it has been in the past, or at least the intensity of hatred isn’t so prevalent… I don’t know… I just don’t know…

Who am I? I feel sad… Lost… I just don’t know…

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