She Isn’t Sacred

Trying to deconstruct the anger for this problem is hard, very hard, and I don’t quite understand it. 

She was never a mentor, a tutor, someone to seek out guidance, and became less and less of a listening ear as time passed. 

She isn’t justified to touch on the delicate places of my thoughts or my heart, and if this was her way of saying “I don’t want to hear it”, then it was the worst fucking form of boundary establishment… Cause when I’m worried about someone for the simply fact that I reached out to them and they didn’t respond, and I’m trying to think of the reasons why, telling me “I’ve decided not to get involved in things like that because it’s not my medical issue” feels like an attack – it’s as if she’s saying “you’re being too involved in his medical stuff”, when all I did was ask if she knew where he was or what was going on so I could get an ideas if my venting was something wrong id done or if I was overthinking things and he was busy – that’s it. 😡 I wasn’t getting involved at all. It also makes me resentful because if he asks for my help getting him to the hospital then it feels like a trap – if I say yes I’m being too involved and if I say no then I’m just an asshole. It’s not that I seek to recuse anyone in such a situation, just that I know from my own experiences that if there is a medical emergency where you need to get to the hospital and you’re having a hard time finding a way there, and if I’m available in all respects, then I’ll help. Helping someone doesn’t make me a bad person, nor does it mean I’m trying to rescue them, or manipulate them, or expect anything in return… And where he watches Syrus on occasion it only makes sense I’d help Ben where he helps me – if I didn’t I’d be like Kylie mooching off of people’s kindness until they’re sucked dry and once they have a problem with it they move on. 😡

I hate feeling trapped, especially by the unworthy. 

Of course, Ben just got home and he wants to discuss what happened at Dartmouth… And it’s fascinating, and it’s good news, but him talking about it to me makes me feel like I’m getting “too involved”… No, I’m overthinking it. He wants someone to talk too about good news, not a venting sessions or ideas or anything, and it was a fun conversation. Fuck her for trying to screw over my happiness and the impact it has on how I treat Ben. Fuck her. She has no say in any of that, nor should she have shoved her opinion down my throat. 😡


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