The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

The good news is I started my cycle, so with any luck, all this damn aggression that’s been pent up will start to go away, and I’ll lose weight a little quicker with the loss of water weight (yay).

The bad news is I need to restructure my hours on Sunday cause bens addiction is taking over – he has about 5 jobs between in person tutoring, online tutoring, work at the school, the after-school program he started for ASL, and they’re all in different places (between Henniker, Newmarket, and Portsmouth). He has medical stuff he has to go to Dartmouth for, and so on. I literally bring home a check of about $120 a week on average, and where it’s a grocery store, I may only have 12 hours scheduled in a week; thankfully I am now able to get food at the food pantry in newmarket in addition to the 68 hours of hunger program from Sy’s school, so rather than buying groceries in simply supplementing them, but this still sucks. 

The ugly is trying to work with these emotions – it’s not as if I’m no longer working on Sunday’s, but I fear Ben is going to pull that move soon, and I’ll have no choice. If I had a car this wouldn’t be an issue, so I can only hope he holds out till February, and where he has bronchitis flare-ups often in winter that will put him out of commission frequently, but this lack of control over my life and fear sucks! It’s not as if I can step forward and say “hey, I think this is addiction related because you literally have no life anymore and it’s taking away my ability to provide for my son”, but it was never truly his responsibility in the first place despite the fact that he had been advertising his support since the very beginning almost a year ago. This is why I hate accepting “help” from people – they basically say “you can depend on me” and when I expect them to follow through its like “yeah, never mind.” Committing to be my sons babysitter is not helping one time, it’s a commitment. I wouldn’t be surprised if this was reflective on a microscopic scale of abandonment issues, but I’m not sure I want to scale this too deeply, though I probably should. 

Now the rest of the day gets to be spent dealing with these emotions and trying to keep myself in check – realistically I KNOW this is not the most damaging thing ever and most of my stress is now future based with “how long before I can no longer work Sunday’s”, but if it hasn’t happened then hopefully it won’t. I told Ben evening availability is best for me on Sunday’s since that’s when its busiest, but we’ll see what happens. :-/

Also, this graphic was very helpful; got it from the CODA recovery group. I explained to them my delima with helping and how that reflects character versus codependency, and this made things a lot clearer. At least my advocacy work at great bay no longer feels like something horrifying. 


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