Nothing Amazing

I forgot to do day 10 of the gratitude challenge yesterday, so I got caught up with it today. 

Syrus got to go to the duck pond as he requested, and I got some reading time in. 

I reached out to isobel (yes that’s how her name is spelled) to see if she wanted to meet up and do coffee soon; turns out she lives in town and is at crackskulls often too. Her simple act of kindness the other day truly touched me and inspired me – I know an amazing soul when I see one, and she is one. I hope to create a new friendship out of this – not gonna lie though, if she leans towards women that would be amazing too. I really want a relationship with a woman this time around, but I still have one hang-up that bothers me.

I need a radical form of self-love, something like what I use to experience when I believed some higher power loved me on such a level that it brought me to tears… If only I loved myself like that. 

I cancelled on Aris coming over today – and it felt pretty good to put my needs over his, and there was nothing he could do about it. 

The neighbors dog got out of her cage today, and I was around to make sure she didn’t run away. I called her up at work and told her, and the kiddos that were home brought her in. 

I wish I didn’t feel like a control freak for putting my foot down. I’ve texted them both multiple times, left a note on the door for them to see on the way out, and today I had to tell Kylie very firmly – “from now on if the door is going to be left open, please either shut the heat off or shut the door; I’m not paying extra for the heating bill.” Yesterday Ben did it once and Kylie did it twice… As she does… Daily. Today her answer was “Ben forgot to shut it on the way out.” Seriously? I didn’t ask who did it, you’re sitting on your ass on the couch in the living room with the door wide open and the heat on – every time I confront you on something you instantly have to blame someone else or give me the silent treatment like I had done something wrong for asking you to do what you’re supposed too. If you didn’t want me to confront you on it, then shit the door or say “hey Ben, don’t forget to shut the door” on the way out. His walking crutches are no excuse as to why he can’t shut the door; he has no problem doing it with his bedroom door, and other people with crutches who live on their own don’t just leave the door open all day hoping someone is just gonna do it for them. Ugh… I keep trying to tell myself these are average roommate problems and not a reflection of me being controlling, but I hate having to tell 2 adult-children to take out the trash and shut the door. At this point I’m ready to tell Ben whatever the heating bill is I’m taking $30 off my portion and making them split the bill for waisting so much heat for hours on end on a daily basis. Oil is not cheap, and I haven’t even turned it on in my room.


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