I wish I was okay through the dullness of life instead of chasing the emotional highs that bring me pleasure…
“Being content is a pitfall in spirituality because it suggests you think you have it all figured out, leading to conceit and spiritual narcissism. Be always hungry.”
Be always in question and constant scrutiny of yourself… Thanks church. Yes, I i understand I have the power to change that… At this point in time I need to find the good in me and be satisfied without chasing elation.
I think I should remove Ben from Facebook at this point; we’re not really friends, and now that he’s no longer watching sy I no longer feel as if I have too. I despise feeling hurt, and the ebb and flow of disjointed connection between us is misleading. At this point I need to be done with him. I’m glad he didn’t get surgery done and just got some kinda balloon inflated into his lower GI track to expand the cavity they found was enflamed and closed, but when I ask to catch up with him and say hi he does the very thing I suggested, but with Kylie. This helps me to realize my place with him… If I can disconnect myself from him completely maybe he can figure out what he wants too. I can’t handle the emotional sway as it sets me up for mixed messages of communication, and I guess this is where boundaries come in handy. If he asks, I’ll just tell him that we don’t communicate online anyway, and if he wants to spend time with me he can always ask.
While he was gone in the hospital I had this urge to sage smudge all the rooms excepts his and Kylie’s. I really believe that on some level he’s manifesting these medical conditions for himself, and that darker energy bothers me. When I went to play my meditation tracks this morning something was off with the Internet connection as it didn’t want to play the one I was most drawn towards on grounding. I smudged my room, this time stating very clearly “I banish all negative energy from this room. I seek protection from the God and goddess. This room is now cleansed.” I need to do a salt barrier or something around my room… That reading I did last night continued on with some people displaying how fake they were (telling me they’re sorry about my grandmothers death, then my sisters if I have one, then a female friend), and when I explained no relatives in my family have died in 17 years, her response was “well aren’t YOU lucky. Maybe you need guidance then.” Yes, if I need guidance I’ll
turn to people who know what they’re doing instead of a cold reading. >.>’ others told me there was a dark presence lurking nearby. Again, I wonder if that was Ben since I felt the need to do it Saturday morning while he was gone, and had to do it again this morning since he’s returned, but I just don’t know. I wasn’t able to do the spell last night since sy wouldn’t go to bed till I was exhausted… But now that I’m out of the house I’ll be throwing on my meditation app in a few.
Of course because I helped out Kylie by quelling her anxiety over her vehicle for the next few weeks, she’s little miss buttercup suddenly and wants to talk and spend time with me… Until Ben is in the room and the dynamic of all the energy shifts.
I really do need to distance myself from him – not for manipulation, but to protect myself in more ways than 1… And possibly to protect myself from me. I also should make a goal of doing EFT today; it’s been a long time and kinda forgot it was a choice for positive affirmations that genuinely works for me. I’ll probably set my alarm for later to make sure I get that in.
*sigh* once again my need to bitch about my roommates is my inability to let go of my need for controlling others over myself… The mental imbalance is chaotic and leave an emotional black void. I should probably schedule a run in too and come up with a list of “feel good” activities to pull from on a daily basis; if I can make time for myself to meditate, read books, and try to dig deep daily, I can make time for feel-good activities too. I need balance. I swear if I keep this blog going I’m just gonna beat myself up; I’m creating anxiety in this moment.
I’m sitting in a cave listening to the sound of a slow and steady drip… I can’t tell if this is relaxing or an auditory Chinese water torture, but still I choose to sit. What does the road less traveled always consist of force?