This Time Last Year

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This time last year i would be driving first thing in the morning from my mothers house to Somersworth, dropping off my son to daycare, driving to work, panicking over if DCYF would be showing up at my mothers door step, angry at the landlord for withholding money for painting the walls he never painted and forcing me to pay extra money to throw out shit.

This time last year I would be upset at the loss of my cats, sick of the drama at great bay services, fearful of when I need to make sure the state and others know where I’ve moved and how much I’m paying, pissed that my mother told me she wanted to cure my son of autism, effectivley stealing my sense of safety from the home and forcing me to live out of my vehicle for fear that she may do something or influence me in a way I find abusive.

This time last year I would be superseding so much on an emotional front because I had to stay strong… There was no other choice. I would regret every decision in my life, right up to going to my masters degree program and bringing a child into this world, because I had failed so hard. I wasn’t a drug dealer or something else, so why should this have happened to me? I’d be angry at Nick for wasting so much of my time trying to get an apartment and he refused to get the ball moving, I’d be upset but unable to cry, I’d be haunted by my brother screaming in my face for making a mistake and him telling me it “felt therapeutic” to emotionally abuse me because he was unable to contain his own stress. I’d be resentful for the fact that I had to beg to move into my mothers house but they offered my brother to move in freely when I’m the one who has a child and he has 2 jobs.

Last year I celebrated thanksgiving about a week early because I didn’t want anything in the trash before moving (which is where it would have gone), and this year I’m throwing a huge feast in gratitude of where I am today. I know everything is saying 2016 has been the worst year ever for them, but that was 2015 for me. This year has been the year of recovery, and this is good news.

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