Don’t get me wrong, there’s a subtle level of agreement with most folks who talk about how much this year has sucked – and who could blame them? Between Carrier Fisher, Doris Roberts, David Bowie, and worst of all, Alan Rickman, a slew of people who brought some element of meaning into our lives has vanished. Me? Surprisingly this “year of death” has provided a year of meaning. Through grief work I have found greater joy and value in life, and I suppose for a woman entering her 30’s, this makes me sound like I should be 50, but it’s true. Death and life now live more harmoniously and symbolically than ever before, and I wouldn’t take back this year for anything…. well, except Donald Trump. Fuck Donald Trump.
Even though I didn’t write a letter every single day as I’d set out too at the beginning of the year, I did get about 2 months worth, plus plenty of Facebook posts and blog posts to supplement. Lets see how the timeline looks, shall we?
Towards the beginning of the year things (January, February, March) weren’t too bad. The worst of it was bills and my mother wanting to “cure my son of his autism.” Despite living in my moms house in fear specifically for the autism thing, I kept busy outside the house to balance the good and the bad. Drama with grandma from 2015 resurfaced for no reason, and it validated why I need to stay away from that side of the family. I was working at Great Bay, and was at the beach pretty often. I talk about having fun with Dawson, Colby, Trevor, Devyn, and Kylie, and road trips to Wakefield & the white mountains. My income tax return came in, I discovered my spirituality again, I applied and interviewed for community partners, talked to bill about possibly becoming a home care provider, and played love letter with my sister Cara. Gas and bills were a general problem because I needed to stay out of the house, and traveling to drop Sy off at school in Somersworth before heading to work was a pain, but I got through it.
April and May were significant turning points. I met Ben, hung out with him more, began to understand his perspective of Kylie, and that sorta opened a Pandora’s box of unlocking my own feelings towards Kylie I had been trying to suppress, weighing the value of having a friend versus being honest with myself about how disappointed I was with how she treated me from time to time. Still, we started hanging out at UNH more, and there were more opportunities to play tourist with him and show him the parts of NH he’d never seen as a Texan boy. Kylie, Ben, and I all got a place together in Newmarket, I said good-bye to my mother, and moved on in. Syrus adjusted to his new school, and we attempted to keep in touch with his old Para, Bev. Aris showed up and flashed his wedding ring at me and thought it was hilarious despite attempting to cheat on his girlfriend with me only 2 months prior too, and soon after wanted to have sy “meet his new mom”. The answer was no, and life moved on. I quit my job at Great Bay (finally) and missed everyone dearly, but was happy to be out of the chaos that partially served me and my talents.
June & July were tough. My car broke down, fights erupted between Kylie and everyone, I was constantly getting letters from the Social Security department, and I was drowning in stress. Ben left for Texas, and my Birthday was the worst… Sy’s birthday wasn’t all that great either. Bev stopped talking to us out of what I could only assume was sorrow and disappointment for not being able to see sy on his birthday because of her own vehicle troubles, and when I tried to call and explain I was understanding and not upset, she never returned my calls. Summer was just terrible overall.
August and September were major turning points as I slipped into a trauma spell, lost my “friends”, and became suicidal… but the growth from something so hard was good. I resented the fact that I always suspected I was codependent, but was discouraged from thinking that way; when I finally stared it dead in the eyes my growth could begin. Still, had I accepted this sooner I may have been able to prevent the loss of my friends. I started working at Hannaford as a cashier, and even though it was rough adjusting to employment again and being on my feet for so long, I moved through it. By this point I no longer had food stamps or SSI, so the adjustment was scary but doable. My healing and understanding of self was making progress, but really launched itself towards the colder months
October, November, and December were filled with heavy amounts of reading, taking anti-anxiety meds for the first time, learning about grief work, powering through my past to some respect, learning and practicing self-care, discovering I’d lost 30 pounds since the beginning of the year, finding blessings in the ordinary, heavily practicing what it means to be a witch and a feminist, and really practicing boundary work. My self-esteem is still on the lower end of things, and I feel there’s some repair work to do from this year alone, but I’ll get there 1 step at a time. It’s hard to come to that place of grieving since I’m good at by-passing that through “out of sight, out of mind” methods, which isn’t health, but I’ll get better at it.
Overall this year was tough, but in a good way. At the beginning I had no idea what the year would unfold, but now I’m more comfortable about it than ever. Considering how previous years have gone, I’m glad to be where I am today. Don’t get me wrong, even as I type this my shoulders are tense, my stomach is in knots, and my core muscles are tight like I’m waiting for a punch, but my soul and the logical part of my mind is both proud and at peace for the good that outweighs the bad for 2016.
New Years was so much better than I had anticipated! After reorganizing the living room and gutting the bedroom to give me a fresher start to 2017, I finished my vision board, read the beginning of the year letters, and then Sy and I went to our first party together at Julies house next door! I brought over sparklers for the kids that I had been holding on to since the 4th of July, and made peppermint brownie ice cream from scratch! (Fuck yeah that shit was delicious). All in all it was an amazing end to the year!
Next up: My 2017 Tarot spread results and the vision board for 2017 unveil! Cheers!
Also, a major thank you to those of you who have been following my blog! This year I made it up to 85 followers, and I’m very proud of that. Thanks for motivating me to keep blogging.