Monthly Archives: December 2016

2016: My Best Year in Review


Don’t get me wrong, there’s a subtle level of agreement with most folks who talk about how much this year has sucked – and who could blame them? Between Carrier Fisher, Doris Roberts, David Bowie, and worst of all, Alan Rickman, a slew of people who brought some element of meaning into our lives has vanished. Me? Surprisingly this “year of death” has provided a year of meaning. Through grief work I have found greater joy and value in life, and I suppose for a woman entering her 30’s, this makes me sound like I should be 50, but it’s true. Death and life now live more harmoniously and symbolically than ever before, and I wouldn’t take back this year for anything…. well, except Donald Trump. Fuck Donald Trump.

Even though I didn’t write a letter every single day as I’d set out too at the beginning of the year, I did get about 2 months worth, plus plenty of Facebook posts and blog posts to supplement. Lets see how the timeline looks, shall we?

Towards the beginning of the year things (January, February, March) weren’t too bad. The worst of it was bills and my mother wanting to “cure my son of his autism.” Despite living in my moms house in fear specifically for the autism thing, I kept busy outside the house to balance the good and the bad. Drama with grandma from 2015 resurfaced for no reason, and it validated why I need to stay away from that side of the family. I was working at Great Bay, and was at the beach pretty often. I talk about having fun with Dawson, Colby, Trevor, Devyn, and Kylie, and road trips to Wakefield & the white mountains. My income tax return came in, I discovered my spirituality again, I applied and interviewed for community partners, talked to bill about possibly becoming a home care provider, and played love letter with my sister Cara. Gas and bills were a general problem because I needed to stay out of the house, and traveling to drop Sy off at school in Somersworth before heading to work was a pain, but I got through it.

April and May were significant turning points. I met Ben, hung out with him more, began to understand his perspective of Kylie, and that sorta opened a Pandora’s box of unlocking my own feelings towards Kylie I had been trying to suppress, weighing the value of having a friend versus being honest with myself about how disappointed I was with how she treated me from time to time. Still, we started hanging out at UNH more, and there were more opportunities to play tourist with him and show him the parts of NH he’d never seen as a Texan boy. Kylie, Ben, and I all got a place together in Newmarket, I said good-bye to my mother, and moved on in. Syrus adjusted to his new school, and we attempted to keep in touch with his old Para, Bev. Aris showed up and flashed his wedding ring at me and thought it was hilarious despite attempting to cheat on his girlfriend with me only 2 months prior too, and soon after wanted to have sy “meet his new mom”. The answer was no, and life moved on. I quit my job at Great Bay (finally) and missed Β everyone dearly, but was happy to be out of the chaos that partially served me and my talents.

June & July were tough. My car broke down, fights erupted between Kylie and everyone, I was constantly getting letters from the Social Security department, and I was drowning in stress. Ben left for Texas, and my Birthday was the worst… Sy’s birthday wasn’t all that great either. Bev stopped talking to us out of what I could only assume was sorrow and disappointment for not being able to see sy on his birthday because of her own vehicle troubles, and when I tried to call and explain I was understanding and not upset, she never returned my calls. Summer was just terrible overall.

August and September were major turning points as I slipped into a trauma spell, lost my “friends”, and became suicidal… but the growth from something so hard was good. I resented the fact that I always suspected I was codependent, but was discouraged from thinking that way; when I finally stared it dead in the eyes my growth could begin. Still, had I accepted this sooner I may have been able to prevent the loss of my friends. I started working at Hannaford as a cashier, and even though it was rough adjusting to employment again and being on my feet for so long, I moved through it. By this point I no longer had food stamps or SSI, so the adjustment was scary but doable. My healing and understanding of self was making progress, but really launched itself towards the colder months


October, November, and December were filled with heavy amounts of reading, taking anti-anxiety meds for the first time, learning about grief work, powering through my past to some respect, learning and practicing self-care, discovering I’d lost 30 pounds since the beginning of the year, finding blessings in the ordinary, heavily practicing what it means to be a witch and a feminist, and really practicing boundary work. My self-esteem is still on the lower end of things, and I feel there’s some repair work to do from this year alone, but I’ll get there 1 step at a time. It’s hard to come to that place of grieving since I’m good at by-passing that through “out of sight, out of mind” methods, which isn’t health, but I’ll get better at it.


Overall this year was tough, but in a good way. At the beginning I had no idea what the year would unfold, but now I’m more comfortable about it than ever. Considering how previous years have gone, I’m glad to be where I am today. Don’t get me wrong, even as I type this my shoulders are tense, my stomach is in knots, and my core muscles are tight like I’m waiting for a punch, but my soul and the logical part of my mind is both proud and at peace for the good that outweighs the bad for 2016.

New Years was so much better than I had anticipated! After reorganizing the living room and gutting the bedroom to give me a fresher start to 2017, I finished my vision board, read the beginning of the year letters, and then Sy and I went to our first party together at Julies house next door! I brought over sparklers for the kids that I had been holding on to since the 4th of July, and made peppermint brownie ice cream from scratch! (Fuck yeah that shit was delicious). All in all it was an amazing end to the year!

Next up: My 2017 Tarot spread results and the vision board for 2017 unveil! Cheers!

Also, a major thank you to those of you who have been following my blog! This year I made it up to 85 followers, and I’m very proud of that. Thanks for motivating me to keep blogging.

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Lo & Behold

I was starting to feel discouraged about applying for my masters degree – not only is my computer breaking again, but I double checked the deadline and realized I was WAY off. Full time application deadline is January 15th and part time is May 15th. I also took a look at the professors on the site and funny enough I recognized one of them; she comes through my line all the time at Hannaford. That all happened yesterday.

Today I walk into the coffee shop and the only person sitting there at the shop was the very same professor I identified the night before! What a stroke of luck to counter my aggressive and downward temper I’d been experiencing since yesterday. 

Time to punch in…

My First Yule

I had no idea Yule lasted so many days! 


I’ve been doing reaserch in celebration, and I’m making it up as I go to some respect, but it should be fun! On New Year’s Eve I’ll be doing the 2017 tarot spread and probably getting one of the Yule logs they have a work tomorrow to light. 

This was what I found on celebrating:

13 Ways to Celebrate Yuletide

by Selena Fox

Create a Pagan Winter Solstice framework for the entire holidays season – understand that Christmas Eve and Christmas, New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day have their origins in Winter Solstice celebrations of a variety of Pagan cultures through the ages.

Decorate your home with sacred plants connected with Winter Solstice: evergreen wreaths & boughs, mistletoe, holly, and ivy. Learn about the Pagan symbolism of each.

Harvest a Yule tree in a sacred way from a tree farm that practices sustainable agriculture, if you can, or intuitively select a tree, cut or symbolic, from a shop in your area. Set up the Yule tree in your home and decorate it with lights, sun symbols, and other images. Reflect on blessings of joy, renewal, and well-wishes as you decorate the tree.

Kindle lights to represent the Sun. Decorate with electric lights and candles. On one of the nights of Solstice, turn off all lights, experience the longest night, reflect on renewal and peace, and turn the lights back on to symbolize the birth of the New Solar Year.

Recognize Santa as a multi-cultural, multi-religious character – learn about the Pagan roots of Santa and other Winter Solstice sacred gift bringers, including the Goddess Holda (see my article: When Santa was a Woman on beliefnet for more info).

Learn about holidays foods, symbols, customs, and/or lore from an ancestral ethnicity and incorporate something you have learned into your celebration of Yuletide.

Listen to Pagan Yuletide music. Create a Yuletide chant, poem, or song.

Burn a Yule Log in a hearth, in a bonfire, or by burning candles on, in, or near a log of Oak on an altar. Learn about Yule Log traditions and create your own.

Meditate on the rising and/or setting of the Solstice Sun. Note its position on the horizon at this time of year and observe its change in position on the horizon as the days start lengthening again.

Join with others in celebrating Pagan Yuletide. Attend a ritual, be part of a festival, join an on-line discussion, host a party, listen to a Yuletide show on internet radio (I will be doing 3 podcasts this Yule!)

Contribute to a charity of your choice. Spread the joy of Yuletide.

Learn about sacred sites aligned with the Winter Solstice. Envision your own celebrations of Winter Solstice being part of a vast network of Solstice celebrations happening around the planet (Winter in the Northern hemisphere & Summer in the South). Watch live video of Winter Solstice at New Grange or other sacred site with coverage.

Focus on world peace and planetary well-being in your rituals, meditations, prayers, and other workings. Peace-making was part of Winter Solstice among many peoples in the past. Keep this tradition alive in the present and future.

The Color Red

I wonder if by free association there’s something about the color red that bothers me… I’ve been trying to do a chakra meditation and when I visualize red I have a hard time with it. My mind try’s to force it or it wanders and I always end up mad at Ben over the fight with Kylie. I just have a hard time connecting with that color… I think of red and I think it impulsivity, hatred, blood, Mars… I mean I try to think of roses and red dresses and lipstick too but it’s not very effective. 

Then I remembered the balloon meditation for chakra release – a bloom in your hand if each color, and starting with red you let go of each balloon one by one. Surprisingly this worked okay… Till I got to yellow… I let the balloon go and it kind of sank, so I tried it again and forced myself to see it go up, but then I felt it’s sort of… weight. It’s as if it couldn’t go up and I couldn’t force it too. Strange. I wonder what it could mean. 

Another Morning to Connect

For once I had a little bit of pocket change and plenty of time before heading into work. I’ve got my peppermint mocha latte and Yotsuba&! Manga ready to go! I hitchhiked into town, made it safe, and am greatful for the day ahead of me. I got a boat load of cleaning done yesterday (some on my hands and knees), and I couldn’t be prouder of that work… Just wish I had gotten all the dishes done. 

Lately I’ve been feeling light and greatful ❀️ Packages from relatives are rolling in and the tree will be filled up nicely for sy this year; huge difference from last. I also have a gift under the tree this year from dad. I really do hope there’s money in there with whatever he’s gotten me. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a desktop he built in there too. πŸ˜› Realistically I suspect something from teavanna and an iTunes gift card. He didn’t actually ask me what I wanted this year, which was strange, but I’m sure he has something in mind. I tried to wait to open the gift I bought myself but I couldn’t help it – I bought this georgeous tarot deck called Shadow Scapes. There was an oracle deck I really wanted too but I already own one, and there is a difference between tarot decks and oracle decks. 

I really need to jump back into my charcoal artwork; seems like I have all these little things I want to do but as the end of the day I find myself back on the computer playing games. I really have missed it. 

Now that I think about it I should probably read at work so they can call me up early should they need me. Last week I got a good extra 2 hours in. Hoping the check this week pushes $180! Do my Christmas dinner shopping this week too, and I got the turkey in the fridge…

An Awesome Day

Today my friend from college, Justin, picked me up and took me Christmas shopping! Between diversions, the dollar tree, liquor store, 5 below, Barnes and Noble, and the mall, I got all my shopping done! Then I get home, find a package, and there’s $100 in there! Tonight I spoil sy and I with pizza and soda, and tomorrow I grab a few more items for Christmas with the remaining budget. I’m so excited! I also bought myself a deck of tarot cards for Christmas, but like a kid in a candy shop, I wanna open it now! 😁 I still need to grab hot chocolate and mouse for the stocking, but I can now afford a beater too for baking… bout damn time. πŸ˜‚

Today has been awesome, and it was so good to catch up with Justin too. I tried to offer gas money and his answer was “Nope, merry Christmas.” Sy should enjoy what I got him, and the presents from the grandparents are rolling in. He’s gonna have a ton to open this year! πŸ˜€

Middle School

Did you ever have that experience in middle school where a group of “friends” ostracized you through the subtlest of ways? That’s what’s going on at present in my home. >.>’ the moment they come home and see me they fall silent, the moment I come downstairs and use the restroom or something, they fall silent. Funny enough though when they’re away from each other and I’m present, their behavior changes. While Ben was gone, Kylie did a 3 hour marathon of Sherlock with me, and while be was showering she decided to talk to me; likewise when Ben came him from parental visits and hospital trips, he’d play love letter with me and chat for a while, but now that he’s gone he’s either in his room or out just to talk to Kylie. It’s like they have this pact where if they are together they can’t talk to me, but the moment one of them is unaware of the others actions, suddenly they can talk to me again. 😑 Middle school drama all over again, because yes, that happened to me in middle school.

I hate double standards – this ability to treat me like a “friend” when the other person isn’t present but my existence is a hinderence the moment they see me. Can I just be treated like a human being instead of the plague please? Now I’m angry, hurt, and frustrated all over again after having had a month off from this drama. Fucking hell I’m sick of this shit, but somehow I suddenly feel motivated to read books to fix myself again because I’m no longer balanced internally. 


*sigh* Hopefully this blog has helped enough for me to decompress instead of dwelling on the perseverance of my anger and hurt. I’m sick of all this at this point, and I just want to be free. 

Anxiety

Both Kylie and Ben are back home today, and I find myself avoiding them, and dwelling on the wrong doings of one another. I had no idea how much I enjoyed not having them around, or how much of a motivation they served towards me digging as hard as I tried too in my journey. First I was paranoid, then I was hurt, and now I’m avoidant… At this point I’ve had enough of myself. >.>’ 

I cleaned my bedroom and will be doing a ritual tonight of some kind, probably the rainbow meditation to connect with my chakra centers. 

I’m looking forward to finishing my vision board and hanging it up. It’ll be just what I need. The power is within you from Louise Hay was on sale as an e-book for .99, and so I snagged it up! πŸ™‚ I’m hoping it’s good. The pressure to write up the essays for UNH is setting in and I’ll be starting it very soon. I hope to have it submitted the first week of January since I’ll have the money then. 

So glad I have my computer back… Also, don’t buy Oakhurst eggnog! They’re supporting the Salvation Army which actively oppresses the LGBTQ community. Shame on Oakhurst!

My World is Right Again

Finally, after 6 months of back and forth repairs, I can safely say that my computer is finished. The memory sticks were reseated and the mother board was dusty… how they worked on my computer and never bothered to do something so basic as dust the motherboard (when other computer stores assume that responsibility when doing repair work) is beyond me. At any rate, I’m truly thankful to have it back; it should be good for another 2 years now.

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Today was awesomely productive. I got laundry done, cleaned the shower, organized the living room, and managed to return a couple of library books while acquiring a few new ones. I’ve been reading my favorite manga series, Yotsuba&! (yes that’s the actual title), and loving the laughs. I managed to get a free trial of Hulu too and I think I like it better than Netflix, despite the commercials; the video selections are so much better.

I’m super proud of my sons latest painting… I should get him canvass for Christmas as a gift. I’ve loved and desperately needed this time off – so much fun & peaceful.