5am and I’m up from a god forsaken panic attack. This hasn’t happened since about September…. Fucking hell!!!
That was the first major panic attack I’ve had with that intensity in a long time. I was so narrow-visioned I couldn’t see beyond my emotion…. all I wanted was all my problems gone in one instant by solving it and moving on. Bastard of a landlord wants to tow my vehicle… soon as I get it jumped I’ll show him. As it stands it was supposed to be towed tomorrow but I can’t find the title… that’s $120 gone.
I just got back home, and Alex was kind enough to let me come over and decompress. We watched Inside Out, and funny enough Alex said: “My therapist told me to watch this.” All I could think of is how my therapist had talked about it too…. something about Disgust being so sassy I think? I can’t remember. It was a cute movie – exercise, tea time, a warm blanket, a friend, and cats were what I needed, and for the first time in what feels like ages, someone was actually there to support me in such a simple way with such a powerful impact while having an anxiety attack. The same thing I use to do with Kylie when she was having a panic attack I finally received in return.
In truth, I can’t feel that bad for her. Originally Aris tried to get me to feel bad for her as this poor transgendered woman who can’t come out of the closet and he’s trying to rescue her to garner my sympathy… Then a professor snapped me out of it when she saw I was sympathizing with someone who threatened my sense of safety as a brand new mom and painted me as crazy so Kai didn’t have to take ownership of her actions. Every store I walked into, she followed me. Every parking lot I crossed, she followed me, and she knew exactly where I’d be because Aris told her where I’d be. When Aris gave me a hug I watched her collapse to the ground and sob, hiding behind the bushes. Then next day he said I was crazy, she wasn’t stalking me, and the whole thing was a coincidence.
For my sense of safety, I’m glad she can’t come after me anymore. While a part of me is genuinely judgemental that I can’t look at her and feel bad, the comfort is I know others who do care enough about her to do so. At this point I refuse to call her a “him” because she doesn’t deserve that respect, and as sad as it is, I cannot mourn the loss of someone who hurt me so bad as a new mother, leaving me defenseless and weak. While I understand many trans people would say this is offensive, to those that read it and feel offended, that is their choice to personalize something that ultimately has nothing to do with them. To other trans people in my life, I use the pronouns they give and I respect them. I have no problem with the trans community and would gladly march by their side… as for Kai? This is perhaps the only dagger I have for someone who made me feel my life was on the line, and I will cling to it till I’ve moved on. Knowing the pattern of women Aris sets out for, I know she too was codependent and a victim in the end, but that doesn’t change or justify her actions or the fear she put into me. A part of me truly wants to mourn for her as say “poor thing”, but I need to learn to cling to and care about myself, and this is in part all I have.
Knowing the pattern of women Aris sets out for, I know she too was codependent and a victim in the end, but that doesn’t change her actions or the fear she put into me.
Looking at his text I’m calling bullshit. I know the only person he’s ever mourned the loss over is himself – like when I told him he was going to be a dad, and then when he cried because he begged me for an abortion and I told him I was going to leave him… Then he popped the question and asked me to marry him. >.>’ he told me he’s never cried over the loss of his grandfather or others he’s been close too, but the difference is he’s stoic, showing no emotion once that person is gone. In the context of grief work and narcissism, where my problem is I was shamed for grieving and didn’t know how to mourn my own losses, but mourned the loss of others, I have to wonder if he’s incapable of mourning the loss of others and only for himself. This was a huge red flag and a major warning sign when he told me he’s never cried over someone passing, and now I know why. I remember asking about this in therapy, but the answer was something about how everyone grieves differently.
Aris is truly terrifying in the context of things, and although I know why I fell for him, there’s another piece of me that still begs to ask… How did I ever fall for him? I ignored all the warning signs… I should have listened to that empathy, that intuition, that small panic inside my chest, but I didn’t. People warned me to stay away from him, but I found it strange that these people were all his friends, so they were all rejecting me, not him. This not to say that because I wish I’d never been with Aris as long as I was that I’m not thankful I’m a mom or a college grad, which all came about as a result, but I could have saved myself so much heartache instead of wanting him to save me. I truly do hate him. I also hate myself. I’m sure Kai hated herself too on some level… The women I’ve crossed paths with who have fallen victim to Aris all bare that likeness.
Somehow I see him as the predator he truly is now. I’m in shock.
It’s amazing to walk into work and everyone is all “Hey, Carol!” “Carol, how’s it going?” “Morning Carol! We still up for game night?” Even customers are all “how did you get into work? You need a ride home? How’s Syrus doing?”
Slowly, but surely, community is working its way into my life, and I in there’s. Supports are growing and people are starting to connect as friends and spiritualists. It’s nice being able to connect with people, and I’m hoping my love life turns around this year too. I’ve been talking to a few guys online, and one of them is into BDSM as well, which is a great chance for me to explore myself… He’s well built and lives in Hampton, so not too far away… but I’m not looking to rush into things. I still feel inadequate where I don’t have a car, but I know that has more to do with Aris implanting that insecurity more than anything. Still, stability and independence are also important. A car helps.
It’s moments like this where I love my life, and enjoy my job. I am blessed. For now I’m gonna make a list of ways to utilize the new moon approaching, and where it’s pay day I need more coffee. My cycle is coming soon because I’m sleeping WAY more and WAY earlier than I should. Like, 5pm, up around 7 or 8 for a bit, then back to sleep till 7. I doubt it’s work that’s killing me since I’m enjoying being back in the front end.
With the new moon approaching, I should make a list of ceremonies to conduct. Some resources have said the new moon in Aquarious is an excellent time for finding your twin flame, where other sources say this is great for grounding yourself since emotions won’t be running around and determination will be present. It’s an independent energy for long-term plans and excellent for manifesting. Personally I think a love spell and a spell for healing our nation is in order. I’ve never conducted a spell geared towards anyone other than myself, but something like a spell towards healing others is a great tool for teaching compassion. With me wanting to change my anger and control issues, I’m drawn to think of the compassion Buddhist meditations where you say “may you be happy, may you be well, may you have peace” mantra. Challenging myself to feel that energy and draw it towards a particular person is hard since it takes a lot to conjur those feelings, but with practice I should get better at it.
The trump crisis is scaring me, and people NEED to turn out in record numbers for midterms to stop trump. If it took 2 years of campaigning for our presidential elections then it should take just as much for this.
I’m tired of people feeling threatened by my ability to be a strong independent woman, and I’m tired of feeling like because I can’t be someone’s emotional band-aid 24/7, that makes me less valuable as a human being. Perhaps the anger people feel towards me is their own inability to nurture their wounds, and the moment they realize I have the ability to affect them too they lash out on me because they realize I’m human, not a constant source of nurturance so they don’t have to deal with their own bullshit. Perhaps I’m not a bitch, it’s just that people have a hard time with me standing on terra firma instead of treading someone else’s waters. It doesn’t make me a bad person, it makes me a normal human being. I’m ready to just give the world the middle finger but I know that’s not right… Is it?
Yesterday I did the Hecates ceremony and a tarot reading with a few simple questions with powerful results.
Before the Hecates ceremony I caught myself in a religious state I hadn’t experienced in a long time… But the emotion was strong and intense. Whenever I prayed to God as a Seventh-day Adventist Id always end up acknowledging my flaws and inadequacies before approaching the throne of the lord, since pride is not acceptable, as it was Satans downfall. Confession is a huge part of it too, and the feeling of forgiveness helped me to feel acknowledged and connected in my religious worship and prayers.
Coming before Hecates I noticed that same process occurring…
“What if I’m not good enough? What if I’m not worthy? It needs to be perfect so which ceremony should I go for?”
That’s when I realized she’s not God, she’s a goddess, and because of what Hecates symbolizes, I can come before her strong in who I am because she’ll accept me as a woman at the very least. I’ve been on the right path for a while, and Hecates will show me the way, since that’s why I’m coming before her in the first place. I don’t need to feel pervasive insecurity in who I am before her, and as a goddess of power, she calls me to find ways to lock on to it.
As I did the ceremony I was surprised how grounded I was, and the expansion of the heart chakra. My crown chakra is always on overdrive when I dip into a spiritual place and yawn profusely, even though I’m not tired. Certain reading material do the same, as my healing hands book from the library does. I felt more whole, centered, calm, and deeply relaxed in my practice, and it was a sensational novelty to both create and take part of.
After a while I took a break and did my own thing for a bit… Made the psychic tea and it was pretty tasty, though I was disappointed it wasn’t spicier. It said it had peppermint and cayenne in it, but I didn’t experience much of that.
With time nearing midnight and needing to go to bed so I can wake up in the morning, I asked The Goddess to guide my tarot reading, and the results I got were as follows:
What is one thing I can grow through for the next few weeks:
Upside down King of swords:
Represents someone who is overly regimented and militants in their routines. They’re harsh in their judgements of others, and of anyone who does not fit into their stereotypes. Could be accused of having a narrow outlook on life, without room for accepting new people, ideas, and new situations. Key factors of this card are intolerance and narrow-mindedness.
Should I get involved in Politics?
King of Pentacles:
Successful and powerful with a great sense of responsibility towards family, friends, career, and community. Often successful because they have someone to provide for. This driving force is a motivator towards success, and achievement is measured through the security of family and views of oneself through important relationships in their life. Does not come across as overly confident.
Should I become an energy healer (2 cards)
Heirophant: need to seek professional advice; alternatively any ritualistic service that is performed should have the appropriate spiritual leader.
Upside down Wheel of Fortune:
Although you may have had a run of bad luck in your past, things are changing and your life will soon take a turn for the better. Everything is on the way up and now it is time to enjoy the positive changes coming your direction.
Should I consider selling adult toys through intamacy tickles, and will it be profitable? (2 cards)
10 of Wands for selling:
You have a lot of stresses, strains, and responsibilities, but you are quite capable of handling them so don’t worry too much.
2 of Pentacles for finance:
You need to keep the balancing act up for a bit longer. Don’t make any decisions to drop any one aspect of your life just yet; you will need more information before making that choice.
*personal reflection on the meaning and value of those answers to come later as I haven’t worked through it all yet, but I get the gist of it.
From there I called it a night and thanked the goddess for our reading and results.
I had a dream that when I woke up from, I realized I’d ad multiple dreams like this in the past. Although it’s sexual, I’ll post it because there is something deep and profound in repetitious dreams, but I’ve never really bothered to assess one like this, as I did in the dreams where I’m drowning. The dream, though blended in details because of its repetition, follows to the best of my understanding like this:
First I’m in a house. Men keep running in, one at a time, trying to steal an object and leave; as one theif was done and leave, another one would soon enter. I’m trying to stop them in multiple ways – screaming at the top of my lungs so my brother would hear, setting up traps, chasing them, fighting them, but nothing seems to be effective. The more I fight to defend, the bigger and grander the house gets.
The house is now a mansion, It’s “Christian” mansion from 50 shades of grey, but for some reason Christian is played by Liam Needon, so he’s a lot older than he should be but a great voice! Anyway, one loser busts in the house and I fake being injured and holding a secret blade in case he comes near, and I’m screaming until someone else hears me and arrests the guy. The last theif I fought was one I used seduction to stop him. He had tattered and dirty clothing, teeth were rotting and a few were missing, but he was younger than me by 2 years and I could tell he was looking for money for drugs. I managed to lure him to the couch and grind on top of him. I refused any real sex or oral because he stunk of sweaty balls (vomits). That’s when Liam Neeson comes down the stairs and see’s me! Finally, someone who could help me stop him. I quickly blurt out he was a theif and this was the only way to stop him until someone would help, and Liam glares and the theif. Then, for whatever reason, the words out of his mouth was that famous one liner.. I will find you, and when I do, I will get you.. Or something like that.
I use to have sex fantasies like that all the time… me seducing men or women. Particularly its a theme of me seducing someone who has power over me to either protect myself or try and get my wants and needs met, and enjoying not only the sexual thrill, but the feeling of control, leaving them weak and helpless. My very fist sexual fantasy was something like that too… I was a government spy trying to get information out of a certain historical figure I was learning about in 4th grade. I dressed in one of those “I dream of geanie” outfits as a disguise and… Well… I got my information to say the least.
I’m sure the meaning of these dreams is staring me dead in the face but I still need it decoded. It has to be more than just taking power away from someone.
Blah… Long ass blog. I’m sitting at the coffee shop blogging all this. This morning I don’t know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself for handling something between me and Kylie the way I did, but she left 2 weeks worth of trash for me to take care of and out agreement was that she’d start helping with dishes.
“Hey Kylie, what’s the situation with the dishes?”
“Umm, what do you mean? I have dishes and plastic in my room that I wash and take care of?”
“Yeah, that wasn’t our agreement. You were doing that anyway.”
“Okay, well I guess it goes back to how things were.”
The agreement was that rather than buying plastics and stuff she’d go back to doing dishes and helping out since I’m helping her take trash to the curb because “she can’t do it by herself”, but two weeks ago she did exactly that – she took all of it out. As a result, I only took out half the trash instead of all of it since she didn’t help with any of the dishes at all, and was simply using me.
Of course, the tarot card I pulled falls in line with this as being militant and controlling, but I have to consider my own needs. I refuse to overload myself with work, or allow myself to be taken advantage of. I know this points back to living with mom and feeling like my sense of purpose and value in the household and as a woman was trying to clean and raise her kids, and homeschool them, but healthy boundaries requires balance of what I will allow myself to take on and be responsible for. Where it’s obvious she never had any intention on helping me, and I already clean up after her when she spills something on the stove or uses the restroom, I refuse to be her thankless nanny or mother. Where she’s constantly looking to feel enabled, I won’t be doing it. Do I feel guilty for what happened? Profoundly and immensely on an unhealthy level I do – but I didn’t attack her or anything, I just asked a simple question and she had the same idea I had. Im protecting myself, and even did it in person instead of through text as she requested, despite how obviously uncomfortable it made her. I need to come to terms with my power and find the balance without shame or fear. This sucks, and I really hate it.
*sigh* why does being me have to be so complicated. I wish someone would just give me the solution to the problem on that one – am I doing the right thing, and how do I know so I don’t have to harbor these feelings of intensity and insecurity for putting my foot down. I could attempt to take pride in myself for doing what I did, but I don’t know if I should or why, allowing Kylies problems to be her own instead of bearing the burden of interaction between us. >.>’ fucking hell. I should not be this tense and panicked before work. I need to find a way to decompress.
Don’t say “I’m having a bad day.” Say “I’m having a character building day.”
I’m beyond thankful that Alex showed up today. We went to Misty Meadows, and I got the charcoal I needed for burning spells and herbs. We headed to Rochester as well to check out Under the Moon, but they were transferring locations to a different building on the same street… we went in but they only had half the inventory, so I walked away with nothing. We did do jetpack as well and grabbed a moes sub, so it was all good.
We also had our own heart to heart on some level… she opened right up and said “my therapist told me I was in a codependent relationship”, so we talked about codependency for a bit, as well as Aris… she told me his nickname for me was “backdoor troll”. Interesting because my dad use to call my mother a troll too… she was incredibly hesitant to share it, and apologized, but seeing how she spoke about his behavior towards me made me realize she doesn’t see me the same way he does, and for that, I’m grateful.
We also spoke about Kai and how Aris publically outed her to make himself the hero of her story, the only one she could turn too now that her parents know shes transgender… also how he had been cheating on Alex with Kai. >.>’ It suck that after such a good day she left and a sense of heaviness returns thats more troubling than before. I MUST conduct some spell work tonight.
Supposedly Ben is willing to play a game with me tonight… we’ll see if that actually happens. As it stands I’m still annoyed with him for being a liar and telling me no one can drive the car because of his insurance, but he has kylie tote him around in the car and clearly doesn’t care. After shaming me and making me feel like shit, it’s amazing to see what injustice can look like. On some level I guess I could say that at least I’m not getting roped into anything I’ll regret. With kylie now driving his car and constantly asking him about his medical stuff (as he puts it), then I can only assume the boundaries are starting to blur between them, and where she was all “I’m afraid my best friend is going to die”, then shes becoming too attached.
Lately I’ve been really irate, snappy, and emotional… Alex has too it seems, which is nice to know its not just me. Nothing astrology wise suggests a grander role in my emotions, so I can only assume my cycle is starting soon. This week the bus starts back up again, so getting back and forth to work will be a lot simpler. I’ll be changing my availability so it opens back up again. Tax returns from Hannaford should be posted too, so I can file my taxes; afterwards it’s just a waiting game till I can get my car. I’ll be looking forward to filling up my schedule again and starting a new career path, as well as finishing my application for school. I hope I get in.
I wish I knew how to work through and discern anger better; this is killing me. If I can work through my anxiety, then this has got to be the next layer I need to crack. I fucking hate myself, but not as much as I use too… I need to get a REALLY good book for working though anger, as meditation doesn’t seem to be the solution to that, and talking to my anger as I would my anxiety isn’t effective either. *sigh* I hate this reactive-attachment love/hate confusing maelstrom of bullshit inside of me. My anger screams “ITS NOT FAIR”, which I suppose is why I can’t see the forest through the trees. Maybe the good doctor will have a solution. I’m interested and eager to see how EMDR will work for me since not many people can work with that kind of therapy… kinda like being called into the priesthood (lol). Speaking of, I need to record the results of my tarot reading and the questions I asked. I must build a stronger spiritual relationship within me.
I can’t believe how blatantly Aris used me… and I feel ashamed of myself for not seeing it sooner… Yes, I was a different person back then… kinder… sweeter… naive… but thats what makes it all the more painful. He plucked a brainwashed virgin and abused her… me… and I wasn’t able to stop or defend myself cause I wasn’t capable of it. God this sucks…
It’s amazing how messages keep affirming, reaffirming, and building upon themselves.
I’m currently working out of a book called “Hands of light; a guide to healing through the human energy field.” One of the messages it talked about what receiving messages for healing, and the only way for that to happen is to connect with our inner child. The vision I had for Samhain came back to me, of the child at the bottom of the well and apologizing to her. Somehow I feel as if I’ve made peace with her… It’s not perfect, but neutral compared to what it use to be. I really wanna know how to play and connect with her more, as my left-mindedness keeps taking over.
Of course, it also talked about psychology and its role on becoming a healer. As I look up goddesses to connect to in order to strengthen my practice and ground myself more, I stumbled upon Hecate. She is the goddess of crossroads, power, transition, and transformation. Her greatest calling is discipline, encouraging you to surrender something in your life such as an old pattern of thinking or negative habit (which is what my tarot reading told me to do), and embrace the shadow side of yourself! Of course in my grief work I did in fall, it outlined that healing is to “make whole”, which includes accepting the “shadow parts” of ourselves and bringing them back in, versus curing which is to cut something out to make one health again (like a tumor). Many people who align themselves with her experience nightmares or visiting old trauma in their experience, but where I do dream work anyway, I figure I will hold a ritual to connect with her and see what happens. I’ll probably drink my psychic tea too to enhance my chances of dream work… Mugwort is good for that apparently.
I really do that that all those times I called upon the Goddess in my magick, Hecate was answering. I’ll be doing a tarot reading tonight with some questions in hand that need answering, and see where it goes.