Daily Archives: January 11, 2017

OMG IT ALL MAKES SENSE

Taken from elephantjournal.com:

“On Thursday, January 12th there will be a luscious full moon in the sign of Cancer.

Cancer represents home, the mother or divine feminine; she is watery and emotional, sensitive and vulnerable. Yet, she is also embodied by the crab, an animal that has a hard shell, but is sensitive to change.

We can pretend that there isn’t anything special going on and we can walk away from fate only to find it repeatedly knocking while we try our hardest to not answer.

That’s the thing about this life, we can avert our eyes, hide in corners, or bury our heads in the proverbial sand—but nothing is strong enough to stop what’s meant for us from coming our way.

We are at an auspicious time astrologically.

Venus is in Pisces so love is afoot; all planets are direct for the next month so we feel inspired and courageous; and now with this full moon in Cancer we will be asked if we can actually handle the emotions we are feeling.

We will be well within the watery realms of Cancer this week and we may feel that we don’t have a choice about what are feeling, because the point of all of this is to feel everything. Life is richer because of what we feel, whether it’s passion, love, joy, or sadness and fear.

But sometimes emotions hold us back, especially fear. Fear pulls us back in, and reminds us of our place in this great big, beautiful world. Fear recalls our childhood wounds, issues of worthiness, and even our values around self-esteem.

Yet, on the other side of that is a life beyond fear, knowing that everything we want will come to us when we need it.

Faith and fear cannot coexist.

We’ve seen the writing on the wall. We know all the reasons that we shouldn’t leap. But we also know all the things that fear whispers to us when we follow our hearts.

This time we’re done listening. We will no longer be led by fear when what we crave is the amazing.

The difficult aspect of last year was that we had to walk through the darkness by ourselves. We had to find out exactly who we are through 100 years of lessons within just a few months. It was a time to see what we were all made of and if we were brave enough to live on our own terms.

A New Year is only our illusion of time.

In reality, nothing changed as the clock struck midnight on December 31st. There was no magical solution for those heartfelt issues, nor was there a true leaving behind or letting go of anything, because in reality life is merely a series of beginnings.

In astrology, there are moments that seem orchestrated by God—those breaks within the mundane where the magic is able to escape and remind us why we are all fighting as hard as we are. Because what is more worth the fight than true love?

We want it. Right now we can taste what we want more clearly than ever, but it’s not the same as before. Our eyes have been opened and our souls have been excavated. What we’re after is that once-in-a-lifetime kind of love. It’s dancing around us, tempting us with its fated promises. Yet still it remains just far enough out of reach that it seems ever-elusive…at least that was the storyline.

Things are different though, just as we all are, and now, as the planets align, we will be given the gift of sight. Not to see how things might play out in the future, or any aspect of the physical world, but to finally see the truth.

We will see beneath our many layers of self-sabotage and confusion to what is beating beneath it all. Quite simply, we will see our what hearts for what they are.

Not the overzealous beasts that go about demanding what they want, but rather more like the softly serenading cricket. It will begin to whisper its sweet and succulent secrets to us, drawing us deeper into the emotional world of Cancer, and letting us finally feel it all, but only if we make the choice to move through fear.

We don’t have all the answers right now and it won’t all make sense, but that’s okay—it doesn’t need to. Right now all we need to do is trust that whatever we’re feeling is valid and that, more than anything, the only way to understand it is to surrender to it.

Resist the urge to fight and just surrender—to yourself and your heart.

Surrender to love, and the ability to believe that you deserve the exact kind of love that you keep trying to give away to others.

Surrender to happiness, even if it differs from the picture you had painted in your head at one point about what that would look like.

Simply surrender to faith.

Life has gotten you this far. You haven’t stumbled or ruined anything—you just didn’t know that, all along, this was where you were being led. Trust in your destination as much as you have in your journey, knowing that there is a reason for everything. There is a season for everything.

And this month is the season for listening to our hearts.”

Well, this explains my highly intuitive and emotional nature lately…

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Honor

I don’t know why, but I think I finally can personally interpret what it means to hold or “honor” a particular experience or emotion (as a certain person likes to tell me); its to appreciate the experience on some level. For whatever reason I’ve never seen honoring something and appreciating them as synonymous or hand-in-hand with each other, but when I can appreciate a feeling or thought, I find myself wanting to hold my heart and glow just a little bit. Why? I’m not sure, but it helps. 

What I do know is that as I continue to read through this book, I find myself wanting to understand how to empathize with myself properly. It takes me back to school when we were in class learning about and practicing open-ended questions and active listening skills. It was exhausting, and although it felt good to practice a skill, it felt daunting too. 

“Am I always gonna have to be this way and talk like this? Does this mean I have to change myself by presenting authenticity without feeling it because this doesn’t feel real?” I realize now what was really going on was my thoughts and feelings weren’t given the opportunity to express themselves because I was so busy practicing these skills (which the person on the receiving end would appreciate) that this wasn’t really authentic. I suppose in the end I over did it like the newb I am, but I’m given numerous opportunities and choices in life every day. I’m sure more chances will come. 

Memes & Facebook Emotional Support Systems

This was on my codependent recovery page:


While so many people were liking, loving, and saying “how true” to this post, I was both angry and offended. This was my response.

Probably because grief is a vessel we use to contain our losses, and when that vessel gets too full we cry, and until we’ve learned how to healthfully grieve and accept the loss of something or someone, the power won’t go away. It doesn’t mean we won’t be sad from time to time, but the difference between laughter from joy and tears from sorrow, is that laughter brings something into our lives where sorrow is the absence of something that once filled us. Sorry but there just isn’t a fair analogy in this picture; it’s almost a punishment for grieving because we couldn’t “get over it”. Of course, this is both my biased and humble opinion, so I’m sorry if this offends anyone.

That’s all I can see in this is another “get over it” statement. I’m somehow coming to resent my father constantly telling me to “get over it”, and it does deny me the inalienable rights of grieving and working through things in my way and in my time. He did grow up military as a single dad so I can’t truly be mad at him, but I’m starting to see that perhaps working towards “getting over it” is not the goal, but a lie we tell others to rob them of their journey towards understanding, based purely on the fucked up “cultural values” of America. >.>

I have no idea why I have so many deep and sad thoughts today but it is what it is I suppose. :-/

In those moment when

In those moments when I feel the need to rescued someone, I need to visit my 6 year old self, and tell myself I’ve grown up. This person is not my brother, we’re not mourning the loss of my mom right now, and it’s not my job to be a mom, protect them, defend them, or raise them. That person is not a child… It doesn’t come from superiority as if I’m somehow better than them… It comes from responsibility that was thrust upon me from loss that I didn’t know how to cope or understand. At least I can take comfort in knowing that this isn’t a superiority complex like I’d falsely been believing. 

I knew that memory was a defining moment, but had no idea how much of aturning  point that was for me…. I do now. 

Doctors office in an hour to get my sick note for work. 

The Smallest Connection

To be human is to grieve, because if we grieve we are in touch with the swelling of emotions that make us so complex, the glue that permanently connects the puzzle pieces and fragments that make us human compared to the clinical diagnosis that seeks to pull us to pieces for fragmented labels of understanding. Grief is the soul, the definition of what it means to be human. You cannot be human without grief.

Oddly enough I can create fantasies in my head that cause me to grieve over and over again (which is why I suppose dramas and chick flicks are so profitable), but joining that to the real world is so much harder.

Once again I am drawn to think of him… And I know deep down in my heart that if I reconnect with that pain and grieve the loss of him – not just who he is but on some level the fantasy I made him out to be, I can draw my defenses down just a little bit more and connect with that realm of pain that promotes love and understanding. I loved him, and I still try to swallow that pain and stuff it down which is why in a rare eternity he can pop out of the blue and I’ll still talk to him rather than reject him.

I still hope to work through the conflicts that caused all this because I acknowledge I still love him to some respect, be it the real him or something imagined I conjured up in my head like the sorceress that I am. The illusioned piece of my head says “if you talk things out you can move on without him”, and the illusioned part of my heart says “if you talk things out it’ll draw you closer together, his problem is a fear of intamacy due to an unacknowledged level of emotional childhood abuse anyway”, and the the disillusioned part of my head says “you don’t need to talk to him to move on, it’s a lie. You’ve tried it before and it never works. Lay off the Oedipus complex for a while”, and the disillusioned piece of my heart says “stop trying to rescue him or salvage the past. You’re not a hero or a savior, so stop it.” So how do I grieve without becoming obsessive then… In grief we do carry people in our hearts that we live because we loved them, and it’s okay to express that… But this? There’s something very comorbid about it because it’s codependent. In truth I made him my savior to some extent, and for that I am sorry; not only is it inappropriate and too much burden to bare at a young age, but it’s obvious to me now that he was only playing out a cycle he lived at home through me, and I inadvertently perpetuated that dysfunction, which is in part the comfort he experienced being around me.

I wish I could rewind time with the knowledge that I have now and take it all back, but that’s not moving forward.

That’s where my confusion in all this lies… I don’t know what’s healthy to grieve and hold on too, versus cast out and let go of. I was too emeshed in him, and he just… I don’t know. I placed too much on him, and for that I am truly sorry. I know I’ve come to the pice of understanding when it comes to him before, but I keep revisiting it. I was blown away last October when he told me that he felt as if I understood him better than most people, as I not only believed it to be both true and false, but also dangerous. The sad thing is I feel as if I see him now clearer than I ever was able too in the past, and I think his information seeking was clarification for information I couldn’t provide at that time…. Again, I’m not his savior and it’s not my job to rescue him… Nor does he need it. Once he’s in the right place at the right time of his journey of understanding… If it every happens… He’ll do the work necessary to heal on his own. I doubt he’d want to acknowledge that anyone would have such faith in him (especially out of my mouth), but it’s true.

Truth

It would be nice if one of these days I could look back on us and rather than chronically saying sorry I could look on everything with loving eyes and say “peace be unto you.” Why the strange sentiment I don’t know, but somehow, just to acknowledge that as I have feels so right.