I have all this pent up energy in me that I need to get out… It’s an emotional energy however, not just a physical. I need to go for a damn run, and as soon as Sy is asleep and Ben is home, I’ll go on my second run of the year. I should probably just set weekly/monthly goals for running this year. Once a week in January, twice a week in February, and so on, and once my routine is in place I can start refocusing my goal towards time, distance, and stamina development. This seems very simple, and once I’m in UNH, if I get in, I can use their gym too to get on track.
I finally sent 1 of the 3 emails requesting my letter of recommendation for my masters, and the last one is more of a technicality thing then anything, since Dierdre already made one for me, but it dates back to 2013. It just needs some fine tuning is all. I’m also working on trying to motivate myself to apply, because the more effort I put in, the more fearful I get. I’ve also lost track of who I am as a student, and why I want to be a therapist. I need to reinvigorate that hope of I’m able to get through this fear. Everything seems to be pointing towards the success of getting into my masters, but there is just no certainty yet. I won’t know until the time comes. I just hope I get an interview.
I tried looking up studies to show the correlation between humiliation and anger as the empathy book was talking about, but I’m not seeing it, but the research on humiliation is interesting. I’m still somewhat burnt out from emotional work and my imagination is on overdrive at this point, living in a fantasy I see in my head with my eyes wide open, but the energy it creates is more of a desperate nature than anything; hence why I need the run. I also made sure to stock up on bananas to make sure I get those micronutrients in for after my run. I also have a charity website where every mile I run it makes a donation to the charity I pick. This should be really good.
I’m finally adjusting to being alone in the house while Ben and Kylie are present overall, I just ignore them at this point unless they wanna talk to me and I just focus on my own thing. I’ll check in with Ben from time to time just to ask if he’s okay on the medical front, but remain detached overall.
I’m really trying to change how I react to Syrus when something bad has happened, in hopes that the long-run result will be a change in behavior. It took 6 years to get him here, so it’s gonna take a while to change it. He broke a keychain I’ve had since I was 8 and presented it to me, shouting “OH! HE BROKE IT! THAT WAS VERY BAD!” He slaps his thighs whenever he does this too… Almost a “self-spanking”, but lately I’ve made sure to not raise my voice so much, and this time rather than getting angry right off the bat, I presented tears instead, trying to control my sorrow instead of skipping over it by getting angry. Syrus was not anticipating me being tearful, but he knew I’d told him not to touch it multiple times over. He went upstairs on his own and apologized for it later. I’m hoping I can fix the keychain.
As for Syrus, I had to take a step back and honor the fact that when he does something wrong, rather than trying to hide it or cover it up, he comes to me and presents what happened every time, despite knowing how I’m gonna react. I don’t know if this is because he feels forced too, has no one to blame, or is just being honest, but I hope it’s because he’s just an honest kid. I genuinely appreciate that about my kid since it’s something that I didn’t do growing up. I really do love my little man.
It’s been a while since I’ve cast a spell or did a tarot reading… I really should get on that, but my spirit work lately has all been directed inwards towards working emotionally and intellectually on myself. I have to admit I was genuinely surprised and please when Keri agreed that a 10 or 12 step program wasn’t for me, but in truth I clinically believe that anyone who is codependent shouldn’t be in those programs. Group therapy and education? Absolutely. Being reinforced to give yourself to a higher power because you’re too weak and helpless to the power of others? How are you not reinforcing that codependent mentality preaching such a message. Power needs to be restored to self since it’s constantly given to others, not redirected to something that may or may not exist. It’s bizarre because it’s counterintuitive on a clinical front. That’s all.
Blah… I’m gonna drink a coffee and run in a bit. Cold, but worth it.