Nerves & Growth

Dear Ben,

We are 1 wall away from each other. All I hear is the same repetitive statements over and over again, and suddenly I have to acknowledge the growth I’ve made, and the clinical ability to see where you’re stuck.

“They’re so cruel. You’re so cruel. The doctors were so cruel. The staff was so cruel.”

“They made me feel like it’s my fault. I feel like they don’t like me. They made me feel like it’s my fault because they don’t like me.”

Not to mention that standing up for yourself as a person with disabilities is slowly starting to sound like you deserve to be treated better than everyone else on the planet because you’re more disabled than they are… Yes, you’re entitled to more rights and protections than someone able-bodied and neuro-typical, but the fact that you have a disability doesn’t mean everyone has to employ you, everyone has to worship you as opposed to being treated with respect, it doesn’t mean we turn a blind eye when you do something wrong and defend you with a million excuses… Protecting and enabling are 2 different things, and I’m beyond greatful that I’m no longer where I stood only 6 months ago. I see where you operate on a level of trauma from the abuses you endured… Not clearly, but partially.

I now recognize some of those internal messages id say over and over again as you do, and I still have stuff to overcome. This isn’t to say I’m somehow better or more mature, but rather, an exploration piece to acknowledge how I’ve never been annoyed with you before like this, and the only way I can be is because I’ve grown.

I really hope the time comes for you to grow more too, because there is now a limit as to what I’m wiling to tolerate. For now I’m taking my space and walking away in hopes that you don’t tell me anything I’ve overheard, because I’m in no place to listen or empathize. I’m sorry for being so harsh, but honestly I have my limit, and I hope you hit a limit within yourself where you have to say “enough” and switch gears.

I need my space from you today.


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