Daily Archives: January 22, 2017

Anger Beyond Words

Don’t say “I’m having a bad day.” Say “I’m having a character building day.”

 

I’m beyond thankful that Alex showed up today. We went to Misty Meadows, and I got the charcoal I needed for burning spells and herbs. We headed to Rochester as well to check out Under the Moon, but they were transferring locations to a different building on the same street… we went in but they only had half the inventory, so I walked away with nothing. We did do jetpack as well and grabbed a moes sub, so it was all good.

We also had our own heart to heart on some level… she opened right up and said “my therapist told me I was in a codependent relationship”, so we talked about codependency for a bit, as well as Aris… she told me his nickname for me was “backdoor troll”. Interesting because my dad use to call my mother a troll too… she was incredibly hesitant to share it, and apologized, but seeing how she spoke about his behavior towards me made me realize she doesn’t see me the same way he does, and for that, I’m grateful.

We also spoke about Kai and how Aris publically outed her to make himself the hero of her story, the only one she could turn too now that her parents know shes transgender… also how he had been cheating on Alex with Kai. >.>’ It suck that after such a good day she left and a sense of heaviness returns thats more troubling than before. I MUST conduct some spell work tonight.

Supposedly Ben is willing to play a game with me tonight… we’ll see if that actually happens. As it stands I’m still annoyed with him for being a liar and telling me no one can drive the car because of his insurance, but he has kylie tote him around in the car and clearly doesn’t care. After shaming me and making me feel like shit, it’s amazing to see what injustice can look like. On some level I guess I could say that at least I’m not getting roped into anything I’ll regret. With kylie now driving his car and constantly asking him about his medical stuff (as he puts it), then I can only assume the boundaries are starting to blur between them, and where she was all “I’m afraid my best friend is going to die”, then shes becoming too attached.

Lately I’ve been really irate, snappy, and emotional… Alex has too it seems, which is nice to know its not just me. Nothing astrology wise suggests a grander role in my emotions, so I can only assume my cycle is starting soon. This week the bus starts back up again, so getting back and forth to work will be a lot simpler. I’ll be changing my availability so it opens back up again. Tax returns from Hannaford should be posted too, so I can file my taxes; afterwards it’s just a waiting game till I can get my car. I’ll be looking forward to filling up my schedule again and starting a new career path, as well as finishing my application for school. I hope I get in.

I wish I knew how to work through and discern anger better; this is killing me. If I can work through my anxiety, then this has got to be the next layer I need to crack. I fucking hate myself, but not as much as I use too… I need to get a REALLY good book for working though anger, as meditation doesn’t seem to be the solution to that, and talking to my anger as I would my anxiety isn’t effective either. *sigh* I hate this reactive-attachment love/hate confusing maelstrom of bullshit inside of me. My anger screams “ITS NOT FAIR”, which I suppose is why I can’t see the forest through the trees. Maybe the good doctor will have a solution. I’m interested and eager to see how EMDR will work for me since not many people can work with that kind of therapy… kinda like being called into the priesthood (lol). Speaking of, I need to record the results of my tarot reading and the questions I asked. I must build a stronger spiritual relationship within me.

I can’t believe how blatantly Aris used me… and I feel ashamed of myself for not seeing it sooner… Yes, I was a different person back then… kinder… sweeter… naive… but thats what makes it all the more painful. He plucked a brainwashed virgin and abused her… me… and I wasn’t able to stop or defend myself cause I wasn’t capable of it. God this sucks…

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