Daily Archives: January 29, 2017

Thank Goddess for Friends

That was the first major panic attack I’ve had with that intensity in a long time. I was so narrow-visioned I couldn’t see beyond my emotion…. all I wanted was all my problems gone in one instant by solving it and moving on. Bastard of a landlord wants to tow my vehicle… soon as I get it jumped I’ll show him. As it stands it was supposed to be towed tomorrow but I can’t find the title… that’sĀ $120 gone.

I just got back home, and Alex was kind enough to let me come over and decompress. We watched Inside Out, and funny enough Alex said: “My therapist told me to watch this.” All I could think of is how my therapist had talked about it too…. something about Disgust being so sassy I think? I can’t remember. It was a cute movieĀ  – exercise, tea time, a warm blanket, a friend, and cats were what I needed, and for the first time in what feels like ages, someone was actually there to support me in such a simple way with such a powerful impact while having an anxiety attack. The same thing I use to do with Kylie when she was having a panic attack I finally received in return.

The Death of a Stalker

In truth, I can’t feel that bad for her. Originally Aris tried to get me to feel bad for her as this poor transgendered woman who can’t come out of the closet and he’s trying to rescue her to garner my sympathy… Then a professor snapped me out of it when she saw I was sympathizing with someone who threatened my sense of safety as a brand new mom and painted me as crazy so Kai didn’t have to take ownership of her actions. Every store I walked into, she followed me. Every parking lot I crossed, she followed me, and she knew exactly where I’d be because Aris told her where I’d be. When Aris gave me a hug I watched her collapse to the ground and sob, hiding behind the bushes. Then next day he said I was crazy, she wasn’t stalking me, and the whole thing was a coincidence.

For my sense of safety, I’m glad she can’t come after me anymore. While a part of me is genuinely judgemental that I can’t look at her and feel bad, the comfort is I know others who do care enough about her to do so. At this point I refuse to call her a “him” because she doesn’t deserve that respect, and as sad as it is, I cannot mourn the loss of someone who hurt me so bad as a new mother, leaving me defenseless and weak. While I understand many trans people would say this is offensive, to those that read it and feel offended, that is their choice to personalize something that ultimately has nothing to do with them. To other trans people in my life, I use the pronouns they give and I respect them. I have no problem with the trans community and would gladly march by their side… as for Kai? This is perhaps the only dagger I have for someone who made me feel my life was on the line, and I will cling to it till I’ve moved on. Knowing the pattern of women Aris sets out for, I know she too was codependent and a victim in the end, but that doesn’t change or justify her actions or the fear she put into me. A part of me truly wants to mourn for her as say “poor thing”, but I need to learn to cling to and care about myself, and this is in part all I have.

Knowing the pattern of women Aris sets out for, I know she too was codependent and a victim in the end, but that doesn’t change her actions or the fear she put into me.

>>>>>>>>>Kai’s Death

Looking at his text I’m calling bullshit. I know the only person he’s ever mourned the loss over is himself – like when I told him he was going to be a dad, and then when he cried because he begged me for an abortion and I told him I was going to leave him… Then he popped the question and asked me to marry him. >.>’ he told me he’s never cried over the loss of his grandfather or others he’s been close too, but the difference is he’s stoic, showing no emotion once that person is gone. In the context of grief work and narcissism, where my problem is I was shamed for grieving and didn’t know how to mourn my own losses, but mourned the loss of others, I have to wonder if he’s incapable of mourning the loss of others and only for himself. This was a huge red flag and a major warning sign when he told me he’s never cried over someone passing, and now I know why. I remember asking about this in therapy, but the answer was something about how everyone grieves differently.

Aris is truly terrifying in the context of things, and although I know why I fell for him, there’s another piece of me that still begs to ask… How did I ever fall for him? I ignored all the warning signs… I should have listened to that empathy, that intuition, that small panic inside my chest, but I didn’t. People warned me to stay away from him, but I found it strange that these people were all his friends, so they were all rejecting me, not him. This not to say that because I wish I’d never been with Aris as long as I was that I’m not thankful I’m a mom or a college grad, which all came about as a result, but I could have saved myself so much heartache instead of wanting him to save me. I truly do hate him. I also hate myself. I’m sure Kai hated herself too on some level… The women I’ve crossed paths with who have fallen victim to Aris all bare that likeness.

Somehow I see him as the predator he truly is now. I’m in shock.