It’s so hard to talk about anything right now… I’ve become increasingly more paranoid and hate being home. I’ve upped my medication and am back on Ativan to get me through the night, and just like before, I’m terrified to be home. My paranoia is through the roof, and I’m scared all the time. I wake up to hear plow truck at 4am and instantly get dressed to make sure my car isn’t being towed. I avoid the house if I see the landlords car or creep around to try and be undetected. I have the door locked at all times now, and am afraid of Ben is showing up. Kylie got her own apartment, and Ben hasn’t said a word since he “moved in with his mom because he’s not supposed to climb stairs”, when all the research I’ve read says the opposite. He also looked amazingly well when last I saw him since surgery. I hate being lied too, and I didn’t deserve this level of treatment, no matter what our histories. I ducking hate them with every ounce I’ve got, and find I’m talking to myself rehashing what I only wish I could say to them. They make me feel like it’s all my fault, and I hate them for it.
Destiny wants to move to Newmarket, and her husband wants to move and find a way to save money; me being with them would help that cause. My income tax return will be in soon too, which means I’ll have a car again and can afford to move.
Life is so tough right now… I hate it. Only thing I have to look forward too is friends. May be going to the Boston museum of science with Alex on Sunday. We’ll see what happens. As soon as the car is fixed I need to get childcare and increase to full time at work. It’s the only way at this point.
In full swing I have been pissed at Kylie, and rather than possibly projecting my inner child onto her, I’m not allowing guilt to conflict with my ability to utilize my anger as a tool for boundary setting. I made it absolutely clear that if she’s comfortable trashing the kitchen floor so everyone has to jump over the trash spewing out of the bin because it’s not Sunday night, then from now on she has no problem committing to cleaning the bathroom on certain days since she’s been exploiting and taking advantage of me for months by not lifting a finger and doing shit.
Because Ben was in on this conversation, he at least came downstairs and threw out what was on the floor, and agreed to wipe down counter tops, sweep floors, and will bring the trash out whatever day Kylie is not doing it and needs to be done, but he’s going in for spinal tap surgery today and will be gone for a week.
Thankfully Alex and Destiny have been helping me through this, and agree her level of immaturity is through the roof. Last I knew destiny and Kylie were still friends since we all worked at great bay, but twice in a row that destiny was at my house, Kylie ignored her. Destiny was unloading all the racism she and her boyfriend have to deal with since trump was elected, and to be treated with such disrespect was awful! She pried to pass it off as “I’m too old for this drama”, but it lingered 24 hours later. My guess is Kylie insisted on picking sides between Sarah P, and Destiny rather than allowing their conflict to be their own, and picked sides. They were still friends when Kylie and I were friends, and destiny has a conversation from a few months ago and everything was fine. I don’t get it, but that was a super shitty thing Kylie did.
Kylie also came home yesterday morning talking about how she got into an accident and wasn’t sure if she’d need a rental to get by, but as the story unfolded for each person she told (since she insisted on talking in the kitchen instead of her bedroom), the story subtlety changed until her mom showed up. It went from a vehicle spinning off and side swiping her to rear ending her. When I finally saw her car for myself there were 3 scratches and no dents in her bumper at all, nor anything on the side. Seriously, maybe I’m just getting too old for this level of drama too, but this is just crap. >.>’
Alex and I got some serious girl time in last night with tacos and tequila, and we’re rotating Tuesday nights. We were talking about how awesome it is we ended up being being friends, and got a serious amount of laughs and political discussion in. I needed it.