When Nurturing the Past

Is it in the stars? The planetary alignment is out of wack?

Is it just that time of the month?

Is it grief needing to be exposed? 

For whatever reason I went from being emotional today to just crying in front of destiny, and I feel so bad about it. I know I shouldn’t – she’s opened up everything about herself, and I listened with care looking to discern and understand. Today it went from hear about the significant level of injustices that occur within her life to me explaining how even with my degrees and level of education and psycho analysis, there are times that even with an explanation and an answer I still don’t understand… Then I opened up about my mother. It’s a tale I’ve retold over and over again, so why would I cry this time? I’ve cried in the past, I’ve told it a million times over to the point of desensitization, and here I am again. 

Then the shame kicked in, needing to apologize to destiny for crying, for dumping my stuff on her when she’s done it to me a million times over, feeling as if I should be strong in this moment and strong because of who I am… And I know they’re just lies. It’s not the truth. Then Josh’s comment came back to me… “Stop apologizing for everything. Be confident.” Boy I don’t know if I wanna deck you or apologize even more or hug you or all of it, which makes me laugh strangely enough because I know he’s  coming from a good place, but I could just deck him…

Tonight will have to be a self-care night. A shower, more journaling if need be, some tea, and more answers. It sucks because I should be holding these emotions and sitting with them, but mentally it’s almost as if my self-care is more of a purging of emotions rather than holding them… Or perhaps those tears were enough and I don’t have to carry them for so long. I just don’t know. 


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