Tired beyond belief in mind, body, and soul, I turn to my primitive mind engaging in old fantasies of the past that I entertained in my youth, consumed by lust, and the need to be loved.
There’s something about the emotional brain that’s amazing and corruptive when left unchecked, but I find it essential at times to meet myself here, much like a doctor checking on the patient in the mental asylum. There she is, me, in a straight jacket in a padded white cell with duck tape over my mouth, vigilant for vengeance bent on power and domination. She writhes, kicks, and charges at the door like the beast that she is.
Today is a very good day for EMDR.
Yesterday I took most of the day and devoted it to self-care, splurging on coffee and magic cards, revisiting metaphysical shops I haven’t been too in ages. Among the sea of energy-charged stones, shells, and oils, I stumble upon the tarot cards and realized I never did my 2018 spread for the year… and in truth I’m afraid too, same with my yearly collage… I’m afraid too. Being homeless has stripped me of hope and left a numbing absence in its wake that I choose to leave void; I don’t want anything to fill it. I have too much to plan before I can get my hopes up. I’ll have the money for an apartment officially ending my 9 month long journey of homelessness, and I want to start purchasing items of necessity, but scared I’ll be rejected and unable to secure a place. I still hate Kylie and Ben to no end. I need to clear my energy field, but at this point I need to fork over cash to find a spiritualist to do it.
On occasion I run into Jason as he’s working… really my next EMDR session needs to be me sitting at the swing set dealing with our legacy. Sometimes I venture to the church just to see if it’s still there since every remodel, butchered tree, and torn patch of grass feels like it’s raping my childhood. I still wrestle with my addiction where he seems to have allowed his to overtake him creating a predictable level of despise towards women, which truly does break my heart. A part of me would just love to randomly pick him up and head to the beach just to be able to shoot the shit and catch up on life, but in the process of seeking him out I found more than I could chew, and in turn, I gave him leeway to find the same of me.
All is fair in love, blogs, and war I suppose.