Hope, Deceit, and Karmic Energy

This week has been more fluctuating than the stock market during bush era. The most pressing issue on my plate was what I was sprung with last night…

The guy I was FWB with, Chris, made it seem like trying to get back together with his girlfriend in Vermont was on a down spiral and going nowhere for the past few weeks, so I’m like “okay, it’s not working and she just ditched him, let’s hook up!” Of course, he was only available at a certain time because he was “hanging out in Manchester with his brother later that evening.” When I told him I could meet him after or snag us a hotel, he said he’d love too, but he’s staying at his brothers overnight. Okay, cool, I get that, no worries.

Now, if you’ve been following my blog you know that I’m a whistle blower both on a political level (calling the state against my former employer) and tracking scum-bag men down who contact me for sex while in a relationship. I know the pain of being cheated on, and I told chris multiple times how much I never want to be the other woman, so for the past month we had stopped banging to respect his relationship choices with her. When I was cheated on, the number 2 thing that hurt was that the other woman straight-up didn’t care that she destroyed my relationship with Aris cause she was polygamous and got permission from her boyfriend… I had no one in my corner at all as a terrified single mother, but a bunch of men congratulated my ex for cheating on me. This for me is one of those turning points, cause my girl code now calls for action when an asshole cheats.

So what does this have to do with Christian Woodward? I decided I wanted to add him to Facebook because he was out doing all these fun things (bowling, co-piloting planes, going out for drinks) and I was wondering why he’d never invited me, I mean I am just a friend – no harm no foul. I figured slowly introducing myself by liking pictures or commenting wouldn’t be so bad, and it also gave us a better chance to further get to know one another… well, that’s when I noticed he had his default picture of him with 2 other women. “Cool, he’s got some close friends.” I click on the next pic and see him kissing someone. “Maybe that’s the ex and he didn’t want to delete it – no worries.” I have an ex who I consider to be a friend and have some of his pics on Facebook of us – it is what it is. But then I click the “about me” info on his profile and see he’s “in a relationship with Sherri joy since 2016”

Uhh… wait, what? He’s never mentioned a Sherri… “maybe this is an old profile or he doesn’t update very often.” So I click on Sherri’s name and her default is of her kissing him, last updated January 1st. Major red flag, and suddenly I feared the worst – I’d become the other woman, and he was never single. I clicked on her pictures and saw the majority of them of her with him… then I saw she had a daughter who was probably about 12. Family pictures of the 3 of them, pictures at their home in Raymond… that’s when it hit me like a ton of bricks that I’ve never been allowed over to his house because he’s living with his girlfriend, and not because of “the roommates”.

Now for those of you who are tempted to laugh and say “well shouldn’t that have tipped you in the first place?” No, it shouldn’t. I also can’t have someone over either where I’m staying, so I could also say it’s “roommate related”, and it would be the truth. I really can’t have men coming over to fuck where I’m staying. These things are not always indicative of someone cheating, as they could be living with an addict, or have paper thing walls and gossiping roommates, and simply don’t want the drama.

Moving on, I decided that there were too many red flags to ignore this, so I sent her a message on Facebook.

That’s all I got to say before she blocked me, and I got this message from chris

Son of a bitch… I never even got to apologize to Sherri for what happened, and I know she must be devastated. I wish I could tell her things will be okay, but I also know I’m the last person she wants to hear it from. Unlike last time where a guy came crawling to me for sex and told me he was in a relationship, and I instantly ratted his ass out to his spouse without ever meeting him, this time is truly different.

To make matters worse, I went to alex thinking she could help me with this, and at first she reminded me that none of this was my fault since I had no idea and was lied too, but when I let her read the message he sent me she looked like she was about to scroll up.

“DONT! THERES PICS ON THERE!”

“What, you mean like dick pics?”

Well that too, but the first one you’d see is actually a pretty sweet shot of my nether regions, but I wasn’t about to tell her that.

“Well there’s some of me too.”

“Oh”

She reads it, chats for a bit, then follows up with a damning and shaming statement that truly blew me away…

“You let him take pictures of you? That was stupid.”

That’s not what I told her, what I meant was that I had pictures of myself I took and sent, however, I wasn’t about to lie to her either.

“Huh?”

“I said you let him take pictures of you, right?”

Hearing her correctly the first time…

“I’m not gonna answer that, especially since I don’t like being told that was stupid for making different choices than you.”

She realized she’d fucked up, said she was sorry, and mumbled “stupid alex, stupid” under her breath.

At this point I am truly pissed which is now mixing with the shame she just threw at me, and the guilt, anger, and helplessness I feel towards chris and Sherri.

Yes, he took pictures of me – I ASKED him too! To me that’s hot! I wanted copies and I got them, and he tried to make a movie but it sucked. I also got to try out a cock ring for the first time thanks to him, and we had sex outdoors because I’m adventurous and don’t give a shit – it was a hell of a good time, which makes me feel even worse for me to acknowledge. He had the biggest package I’d ever wrapped my hands around, and we’d text dirty, raw, and seductive shit to each other quite a bit when I thought he was “single”, and stopped when he said he was “getting back together with his ex”. I attempted to respect not only “his boundaries” but “hers” according to the lies I took as truths. Friends with benefits is exactly that – just friends with sex to the side. I wasn’t gonna go prying or snooping cause I was trying to do things right, but in the end it bit me in the ass.

I’m still pissed at alex too, but I’m not showing it at this point and dropped it after she said sorry. For someone who is ultra feminist, she touted how the only person who has a picture of her breasts is her surgeon to get them reduced, but frankly that’s not who I am, and it wasn’t her fucking place to judge or shame me.

Strangely after all this went down the 1 person I wanted to talk too is the 1 person I shouldn’t – Jason. I bring this up because it’s important for me to acknowledge as I continue to process, purge, and heal the pain that was dealt years ago…. so here’s why I wanted to talk to him.

My process was “I need a friend… I need a friend who fucking gets me, and it needs to be a soul I can trust who understands me, with a balance between kindness, nurturing, and tough-it-out. I need jason, cause he’s the only one who fits the bill.”

Then I realized that’s not realistic – he may have known me pretty well once upon a time, but not anymore. He may have been more sensitive once upon a time, but his anti-feminist agenda makes me realize he doesn’t care about the needs of women at all. I may have loved him, and thought he cared about me the same, but when we talked about it years later with him and forgave him (which I’ve never stopped forgiving him regrettably) I realized he never felt that way… instead he felt pressured by multiple people that he had to be with me, which just isn’t fair. I get it now.

Although I remember him fondly of being the boy-turned-gentleman who took his jacket off and let me wear it when it was cold outside, or the boy who put his head on my shoulder in my room, or held my hand once upon a time back in Farmington when he and his mom would come to visit, to suggest these things were authentic emotions on his part may not be so. I doubt he’s ever felt the obsessive and intoxicating qualities that teenage love has to offer (since adult love is a little more balanced).

I wanted to see him because I felt like he’d be able to empathize with me better than most – that he too might experience the anger I feel as a “friend” whose been wounded by some asshole, or perhaps help me to process and understand that this doesn’t make me a bad person or change who I am, and on a much smaller level, now knowing that he’s somewhat sex crazed (though not as much as me) put into perspective that the picture thing wasn’t a bad idea… but again, that’s not who he is. Furthermore it wouldn’t be fair to dump all this on him – he’s not a saviorist by any stretch, and god only knows he’d never take the calling. I on the other hand… well… I’ve done it too many times, hence why I’m done trying to save others. The only person who can save you is yourself. Granted, people help you along the way, but the real work is within. I’ve come to understand what real self-compassion and acceptance feels like. It’s a rare gem, like the Mani within the Padme – “Om Mani Padme Hum”.

In the end I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss jason, but I also know he’s not who he use to be, and despite forgiving him, I can’t shake the day he screamed at me in public at pine tree academy. Even though I spoke to him in person for the first time in 11 years simply to ask about sand paper, I’m hesitant to talk to him at all, simply because I don’t need him screaming at me at Walmart and trying to ban me from the store. I don’t think we’ll ever truly be friends again, and it is what it is, but still I miss him.

Aside from all the bullshit sex and relationship drama, I went to go look at an apartment across the street from where I use to live, and it’s perfect. I hope so much that I get this place, but I wasn’t left with the greatest of hope after signing that application… all I can do is hope, cause I’m tired of being homeless.

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