I’d dream of you again

For the first time in ages I found myself dreaming of a forlorn friendship of ages past with no chance of redemption. I don’t know why my dreams would draw me back to him, but it was comforting to see him again. Inevitably he stopped talking to me at the end, and I remember holding my hand at the door wanting desperately to knock, then walking next door back to my place, never knowing why this keeps occurring. We laughed, we bonded, we connected on a level that no friendship has ever allowed for since, but the best I could do between dirty looks, head games, and emotional journeying was do what he’s always said with body language over words… “leave me alone”. Ultimately I’m left confused by the rare moment of engagement on his part, but it’s been years since we’ve really spoken face-to-face, which sucks since there’s so much I could say, but then again, is anything worth saying?

I’m playing D&D now, wanna join us?

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

Where is your spiritual evolution taking you this time?

Read anything worth while as of late?

In the end Im worried about him, but I suppose I’d have nothing of value to contribute… not to mention the resounding guilt I feel toward the path he’s on now and my part in all this. If I could rewind just a few years ago which the knowledge I have now, I’d have answered his question and hope he listened. Perhaps it’s because his birthday passed but a few days ago that I remembered him, but in the end I leave it all to shadow and dust, the tome of our time together left sitting on the mantel of an abandoned house somewhere.

“The dream is the small hidden door in the deepest and most intimate sanctum of the soul, which opens to that primeval cosmic night that was soul long before there was conscious ego and will be soul far beyond what a conscious ego could ever reach.” – Carl Jung

 

*sigh*

Being homeless makes life meaningless and time a merciless slave drive towards the bitter end of death and defeat. Sadly I’ll be applying to Rochester tomorrow for apartments, and printing up a ton of documents in the process to anticipate whatever these places may need from me, starting with proof that I’m working on my credit score. 😦

I miss working out and going for runs, and I hate when anxiety & depression leave me immobile physically. I want so badly to get back into my spiritual practices and start marketing my services again… I even got a new tarot deck that’s been calling me the moment I laid eyes on it. One card stuck out in particular too, and I think it’s the karmic energy card that’s drawing me towards what I need to dispel and rid myself of… the 3 of swords. The image is of 3 swords wrapped tightly together with a red ribbon that looks like blood binding it together… and the swords looked as if they didn’t want to touch – boundary violations and invasion of space. I need to cast one more spell as well as make some talismans to tape to the bottom of the car seats so nothing can cause harm with someone else’s energy. We’ll see what happens.

I really hope this nightmare ends soon.

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