This month has been filled with up’s & down’s since I became homeless, but I’m surviving.
Today I finally got my ass in gear and applied to about 15 different positions that are full time and range between mental health & travel agencies, spreading between the Seacoast and Concord. At this point, I refuse to settle for less than $17 an hour with benefits, and I deserve it. Filling out the town application form for low income helped me realize I don’t want to go back. It is a requirement to be on state assistance, and I value my mental health too much to endure that level of anxiety. I recognize now it stems purely from a fear of punishment, as with most reasons I avoid conflict, but where it’s a source of major authority (aka government) I won’t risk it. I’m done.
Sy and I have adjusted, but we’re not growing comfortable to being here; where the wife has MDD and was against us moving in, I’m back to doing what I use to being at my mom’s house where I spend as much time as I can on the road, however her love of gardening seems to help her overcome her depression a fair amount, and she seems to be improving. It’s hard to tell if she’s finally adjusted, but I still feel bad for invading her home with a husband who seems to have overruled her consent for the sake of not wanting to see us homeless cause he’d feel bad. Thankfully they give us dinner and I live here rent free, but I still have a hard time saving money. I make the money stretch from paycheck to paycheck, but where so much of it is going to gas and the occasional “I’ll buy us an ice cream” or “its been a hard week, lets try to have a life and go out to dinner with Alex”, it’s enough to sustain but thats about it; thats why I need a better paying job. $900 a month is not doing it, and with my engine needing a tune-up this month at $350, my new licence at $50, registration at over $200, and inspection sticker, not to mention I need to start paying for daycare to make these jobs work, and sy’s birthday is coming up…. I still need to return the internet modem and pay off comcast… *sigh*
Friends have been difficult to maintain and connect with. I do see Alex on a weekly basis, but Destiny seems to have cracked under stress from her marriage and has filed for divorce, though we’ll see if it happens. My biggest issue was expressing that I was angry towards her husband for how he’s treated her, but then she slams it in my face that the only reason I’m allowed to trash him is because I have white privilege and don’t understand, but then the very same comments I made minutes ago expressing how I wished he could put his foot down with his family, she starts saying herself! Yes I have privilege, no I don’t 100% understand the Muslim community, but when I’m trying to be compassionate and express that I want what’s best for her and she yells at me over it in my car, you had better believe I’m done! Then she has the audacity to tell me how she’s “paying for Syrus’s college tuition” should he choose to go because that’s what she does for kids she care about, how she has over $600,000 in her trust fund alone, separate bank accounts with savings, and “dresses like a homeless person”, and here I am homeless and listening to her shit – are you fucking kidding me? You can take your college plans for my son and shove it, cause right now it’s more important that he has a roof over his head, and while you say you “look homeless”, I AM HOMELESS, and desperately trying to maintain appearances of NOT being homeless so has to keep it together. Seriously? I’m done being her drama stop only to be shit on after multiple empty promises have been made.
My cousin who I was looking after is not 10 weeks pregnant, single, and living back in Augusta with the grandparents. Since I’ve been helping her out they have apologized for their conduct towards me 3 years ago, and have realized how much of Syrus’s life they’ve missed out on. At this point, I try and drive up there twice a month and stay overnight during the weekends, and they reimburse me travel expenses. I found out my mother went to my grandmother while I wasn’t talking to her and told her I owed her “thousands of dollars”, and so to try and solve our conflict and assuming that it was my “shame” of owing her money that I stopped talking to my mother, Grandma gave her all mine and Syrus’s birthday and Christmas money we were supposed to receive during 2016, totalling a minimum of $500 my mom stole from Sy and me through my grandmother. I set the record straight and told her I left with a $200 debt, however she sold me a broken vehicle and got the money through my dad by handing her the $500 I was supposed to get that year for Christmas, so really I owed her nothing, and she owed me $300. She’s stolen at least $1000 between me AND my son! My grandmother felt bad and confronted my mother, and she lied through her teeth saying Randy bought me a vehicle I hadn’t paid for, and I have NO idea wtf she’s talking about. It’s total bullshit. The one day I ran into her, she showed up to see my cousin at the hospital and (once again) had to one up me by telling my cousin “I’m actually your best resource to talk to about pregnancy” because Ashley was seeking out my help instead. She had to compare how her pregnancy and vomiting was far worse than mine, and on and on and on. My cousin was already pissed at her for lying to my grandparents and trashing talking her, and then she starts a fight with me in the hospital trying to gaslight the fuck out of me! She told me all my memories are wrong and I don’t know how to process anything correctly because “I come from a place of old wounds” and can’t look beyond them; she told me she’s never done anything wrong to me or my brother, and everything was my dad and grandmother’s fault. I (of course) went after her because of the autism shit, and she started lying yet again. This is why I want nothing to do with her ever again. I fucking hate her and her narcissism, and I always will.
I hope my birthday money from my dad shows up soon so I can get these bills paid off and attempt to start saving. This is getting difficult, and crazy….. I gotta make sure Sy has summer care at least. I also have no alone time, so any spiritual time I had to devote to myself is gone. It’s hard to practice self-care under these conditions, and even harder if it involved money because I end up shaming myself. -.-‘