Category Archives: Codependency

Soul Baring

Why does falling for someone have this weird obsessive intensity to it? For the past couple of days I find myself wanting to lie in bed and think of him… Endless sarcasm, deeper connections, too many positions and bedroom games that I’ve rehearsed before I’ve ever laid a finger on him. 


Thankfully he likes me too – winking at me, starting me down, showing up in my line and joking away, creating a list of adventures for us to take next month, calling me out cause he wants to be touched too, and so on. Short of flat out saying it he’s told me in every other way possible, which is humorous considering he’s all “tell it to me straight because I hate having to dissect information and figure it out”. He’s a georgeous and complicated piece of work whose vibrational energy seems ignite and awaken something so much healthier than what I’ve ever known. The closer I long to be the more awareness I have towards so little I know of him, but from what I’ve been able to dissect there’s just a healthy enough of a balance to maintain individuality and joining while still learning and growing. I can tell I’m nearing the dirty 30 prime because I physically have a hard time containing how primal my lust seems to be at present, and the cliche of what feels like a burning fire within suddenly is no longer cliche, and the potency of teenage longing feels like child play, making it difficult to maintain eye contact with him at times, which I know he perceives as a reflect of low self-esteem to some extent, but boy I’ve never felt so nervous about the feelings and sensations I have within me. 


In truth, although I asked my tarot cards what the future holds between us, and I was shocked to see the lovers right there in plain sight I still held disbelief that he’d ever look my way… It’s just so strange, and the unfolding of us seems so agonizingly slow at this point, perhaps to teach me a lesson about myself as destiny writes itself on the pages of fate. For now and for the next couple of days, I need to resolve to return to self – It’s the only way I’m going to be able to maintain myself and contain the illusion of strength while descending into someing much darker and richer emotionally than I ever thought could exist. 


If only my understanding of the realms of love and emotion for men didn’t seem like such a mystery, maybe then I’d have a better idea of what I’m doing rather than chasing the safest energy path in blind trust. Visions and beliefs begin to manifest that perhaps the pain and bullshit I’ve experienced will contextually make sense when faced with the reality of you – the resonance of what seems and feels like a twin flame becoming a reality. I’m not seeking to be completed, because I see what makes me whole quite clearly now… But… It’s just so hard to explain. I don’t know. Im at a loss, but comfortable in the darkness right now… The realm of intellectual unknowing because emotionally, I feel comfort cause somehow I know where this is where I need to be; a trust in the process without knowing what the process is. 


Dear Josh, I can only hope on some level you feel how raw, carnal, and primal this energy is… You told me you chose a path of celibacy because you’re waiting for “the one”. Romantic in its own right, and self-protection on another, all I heard was that I’d need to work twice as hard for anything to happen between us. Luckily, I’m a hard worker, but damn… I had no idea how difficult this was going to be. ❤️

Sorry to my readers

I know people have been looking for a recent update. Know that I am okay, and will be blogging again soon. 5 day work week and making plans with friends left and right has kept be busy and requires a lot more down time – not to mention the guy I’ve been crushing on. 

If I have the time and ability to tonight I’ll try to get everyone caught up. 👌🏻

Paranoid Scumbag

It’s so hard to talk about anything right now… I’ve become increasingly more paranoid and hate being home. I’ve upped my medication and am back on Ativan to get me through the night, and just like before, I’m terrified to be home. My paranoia is through the roof, and I’m scared all the time. I wake up to hear plow truck at 4am and instantly get dressed to make sure my car isn’t being towed. I avoid the house if I see the landlords car or creep around to try and be undetected. I have the door locked at all times now, and am afraid of Ben is showing up. Kylie got her own apartment, and Ben hasn’t said a word since he “moved in with his mom because he’s not supposed to climb stairs”, when all the research I’ve read says the opposite. He also looked amazingly well when last I saw him since surgery. I hate being lied too, and I didn’t deserve this level of treatment, no matter what our histories. I ducking hate them with every ounce I’ve got, and find I’m talking to myself rehashing what I only wish I could say to them. They make me feel like it’s all my fault, and I hate them for it.


Destiny wants to move to Newmarket, and her husband wants to move and find a way to save money; me being with them would help that cause. My income tax return will be in soon too, which means I’ll have a car again and can afford to move. 

Life is so tough right now… I hate it. Only thing I have to look forward too is friends. May be going to the Boston museum of science with Alex on Sunday. We’ll see what happens. As soon as the car is fixed I need to get childcare and increase to full time at work. It’s the only way at this point. 

Allowed to be Angry

In full swing I have been pissed at Kylie, and rather than possibly projecting my inner child onto her, I’m not allowing guilt to conflict with my ability to utilize my anger as a tool for boundary setting. I made it absolutely clear that if she’s comfortable trashing the kitchen floor so everyone has to jump over the trash spewing out of the bin because it’s not Sunday night, then from now on she has no problem committing to cleaning the bathroom on certain days since she’s been exploiting and taking advantage of me for months by not lifting a finger and doing shit. 


Because Ben was in on this conversation, he at least came downstairs and threw out what was on the floor, and agreed to wipe down counter tops, sweep floors, and will bring the trash out whatever day Kylie is not doing it and needs to be done, but he’s going in for spinal tap surgery today and will be gone for a week. 

Thankfully Alex and Destiny have been helping me through this, and agree her level of immaturity is through the roof. Last I knew destiny and Kylie were still friends since we all worked at great bay, but twice in a row that destiny was at my house, Kylie ignored her. Destiny was unloading all the racism she and her boyfriend have to deal with since trump was elected, and to be treated with such disrespect was awful! She pried to pass it off as “I’m too old for this drama”, but it lingered 24 hours later. My guess is Kylie insisted on picking sides between Sarah P, and Destiny rather than allowing their conflict to be their own, and picked sides. They were still friends when Kylie and I were friends, and destiny has a conversation from a few months ago and everything was fine. I don’t get it, but that was a super shitty thing Kylie did. 

Kylie also came home yesterday morning talking about how she got into an accident and wasn’t sure if she’d need a rental to get by, but as the story unfolded for each person she told (since she insisted on talking in the kitchen instead of her bedroom), the story subtlety changed until her mom showed up. It went from a vehicle spinning off and side swiping her to rear ending her. When I finally saw her car for myself there were 3 scratches and no dents in her bumper at all, nor anything on the side. Seriously, maybe I’m just getting too old for this level of drama too, but this is just crap. >.>’ 

Alex and I got some serious girl time in last night with tacos and tequila, and we’re rotating Tuesday nights. We were talking about how awesome it is we ended up being being friends, and got a serious amount of laughs and political discussion in. I needed it.

Thank Goddess for Friends

That was the first major panic attack I’ve had with that intensity in a long time. I was so narrow-visioned I couldn’t see beyond my emotion…. all I wanted was all my problems gone in one instant by solving it and moving on. Bastard of a landlord wants to tow my vehicle… soon as I get it jumped I’ll show him. As it stands it was supposed to be towed tomorrow but I can’t find the title… that’s $120 gone.

I just got back home, and Alex was kind enough to let me come over and decompress. We watched Inside Out, and funny enough Alex said: “My therapist told me to watch this.” All I could think of is how my therapist had talked about it too…. something about Disgust being so sassy I think? I can’t remember. It was a cute movie  – exercise, tea time, a warm blanket, a friend, and cats were what I needed, and for the first time in what feels like ages, someone was actually there to support me in such a simple way with such a powerful impact while having an anxiety attack. The same thing I use to do with Kylie when she was having a panic attack I finally received in return.

The Death of a Stalker

In truth, I can’t feel that bad for her. Originally Aris tried to get me to feel bad for her as this poor transgendered woman who can’t come out of the closet and he’s trying to rescue her to garner my sympathy… Then a professor snapped me out of it when she saw I was sympathizing with someone who threatened my sense of safety as a brand new mom and painted me as crazy so Kai didn’t have to take ownership of her actions. Every store I walked into, she followed me. Every parking lot I crossed, she followed me, and she knew exactly where I’d be because Aris told her where I’d be. When Aris gave me a hug I watched her collapse to the ground and sob, hiding behind the bushes. Then next day he said I was crazy, she wasn’t stalking me, and the whole thing was a coincidence.

For my sense of safety, I’m glad she can’t come after me anymore. While a part of me is genuinely judgemental that I can’t look at her and feel bad, the comfort is I know others who do care enough about her to do so. At this point I refuse to call her a “him” because she doesn’t deserve that respect, and as sad as it is, I cannot mourn the loss of someone who hurt me so bad as a new mother, leaving me defenseless and weak. While I understand many trans people would say this is offensive, to those that read it and feel offended, that is their choice to personalize something that ultimately has nothing to do with them. To other trans people in my life, I use the pronouns they give and I respect them. I have no problem with the trans community and would gladly march by their side… as for Kai? This is perhaps the only dagger I have for someone who made me feel my life was on the line, and I will cling to it till I’ve moved on. Knowing the pattern of women Aris sets out for, I know she too was codependent and a victim in the end, but that doesn’t change or justify her actions or the fear she put into me. A part of me truly wants to mourn for her as say “poor thing”, but I need to learn to cling to and care about myself, and this is in part all I have.

Knowing the pattern of women Aris sets out for, I know she too was codependent and a victim in the end, but that doesn’t change her actions or the fear she put into me.

>>>>>>>>>Kai’s Death

Looking at his text I’m calling bullshit. I know the only person he’s ever mourned the loss over is himself – like when I told him he was going to be a dad, and then when he cried because he begged me for an abortion and I told him I was going to leave him… Then he popped the question and asked me to marry him. >.>’ he told me he’s never cried over the loss of his grandfather or others he’s been close too, but the difference is he’s stoic, showing no emotion once that person is gone. In the context of grief work and narcissism, where my problem is I was shamed for grieving and didn’t know how to mourn my own losses, but mourned the loss of others, I have to wonder if he’s incapable of mourning the loss of others and only for himself. This was a huge red flag and a major warning sign when he told me he’s never cried over someone passing, and now I know why. I remember asking about this in therapy, but the answer was something about how everyone grieves differently.

Aris is truly terrifying in the context of things, and although I know why I fell for him, there’s another piece of me that still begs to ask… How did I ever fall for him? I ignored all the warning signs… I should have listened to that empathy, that intuition, that small panic inside my chest, but I didn’t. People warned me to stay away from him, but I found it strange that these people were all his friends, so they were all rejecting me, not him. This not to say that because I wish I’d never been with Aris as long as I was that I’m not thankful I’m a mom or a college grad, which all came about as a result, but I could have saved myself so much heartache instead of wanting him to save me. I truly do hate him. I also hate myself. I’m sure Kai hated herself too on some level… The women I’ve crossed paths with who have fallen victim to Aris all bare that likeness.

Somehow I see him as the predator he truly is now. I’m in shock.

Inner dialogue 

I’m tired of people feeling threatened by my ability to be a strong independent woman, and I’m tired of feeling like because I can’t be someone’s emotional band-aid 24/7, that makes me less valuable as a human being. Perhaps the anger people feel towards me is their own inability to nurture their wounds, and the moment they realize I have the ability to affect them too they lash out on me because they realize I’m human, not a constant source of nurturance so they don’t have to deal with their own bullshit. Perhaps I’m not a bitch, it’s just that people have a hard time with me standing on terra firma instead of treading someone else’s waters. It doesn’t make me a bad person, it makes me a normal human being. I’m ready to just give the world the middle finger but I know that’s not right… Is it?

Blending Experiences

Yesterday I did the Hecates ceremony and a tarot reading with a few simple questions with powerful results.

Before the Hecates ceremony I caught myself in a religious state I hadn’t experienced in a long time… But the emotion was strong and intense. Whenever I prayed to God as a Seventh-day Adventist Id always end up acknowledging my flaws and inadequacies before approaching the throne of the lord, since pride is not acceptable, as it was Satans downfall. Confession is a huge part of it too, and the feeling of forgiveness helped me to feel acknowledged and connected in my religious worship and prayers. 

Coming before Hecates I noticed that same process occurring…

“What if I’m not good enough? What if I’m not worthy? It needs to be perfect so which ceremony should I go for?”

That’s when I realized she’s not God, she’s a goddess, and because of what Hecates symbolizes, I can come before her strong in who I am because she’ll accept me as a woman at the very least. I’ve been on the right path for a while, and Hecates will show me the way, since that’s why I’m coming before her in the first place. I don’t need to feel pervasive insecurity in who I am before her, and as a goddess of power, she calls me to find ways to lock on to it. 


As I did the ceremony I was surprised how grounded I was, and the expansion of the heart chakra. My crown chakra is always on overdrive when I dip into a spiritual place and yawn profusely, even though I’m not tired. Certain reading material do the same, as my healing hands book from the library does. I felt more whole, centered, calm, and deeply relaxed in my practice, and it was a sensational novelty to both create and take part of. 

After a while I took a break and did my own thing for a bit… Made the psychic tea and it was pretty tasty, though I was disappointed it wasn’t spicier. It said it had peppermint and cayenne in it, but I didn’t experience much of that. 

With time nearing midnight and needing to go to bed so I can wake up in the morning, I asked The Goddess to guide my tarot reading, and the results I got were as follows:

What is one thing I can grow through for the next few weeks:

Upside down King of swords:

Represents someone who is overly regimented and militants in their routines. They’re harsh in their judgements of others, and of anyone who does not fit into their stereotypes. Could be accused of having a narrow outlook on life, without room for accepting new people, ideas, and new situations. Key factors of this card are intolerance and narrow-mindedness. 

Should I get involved in Politics?

King of Pentacles:

Successful and powerful with a great sense of responsibility towards family, friends, career, and community. Often successful because they have someone to provide for. This driving force is a motivator towards success, and achievement is measured through the security of family and views of oneself through important relationships in their life. Does not come across as overly confident. 

Should I become an energy healer (2 cards)

Heirophant: need to seek professional advice; alternatively any ritualistic service that is performed should have the appropriate spiritual leader.

Upside down Wheel of Fortune:

Although you may have had a run of bad luck in your past, things are changing and your life will soon take a turn for the better. Everything is on the way up and now it is time to enjoy the positive changes coming your direction. 

Should I consider selling adult toys through intamacy tickles, and will it be profitable? (2 cards)

10 of Wands for selling:

You have a lot of stresses, strains, and responsibilities, but you are quite capable of handling them so don’t worry too much. 

2 of Pentacles for finance:

You need to keep the balancing act up for a bit longer. Don’t make any decisions to drop any one aspect of your life just yet; you will need more information before making that choice. 

*personal reflection on the meaning and value of those answers to come later as I haven’t worked through it all yet, but I get the gist of it.

From there I called it a night and thanked the goddess for our reading and results. 


I had a dream that when I woke up from, I realized I’d ad multiple dreams like this in the past. Although it’s sexual, I’ll post it because there is something deep and profound in repetitious dreams, but I’ve never really bothered to assess one like this, as I did in the dreams where I’m drowning. The dream, though blended in details because of its repetition, follows to the best of my understanding like this:

First I’m in a house. Men keep running in, one at a time, trying to steal an object and leave; as one theif was done and leave, another one would soon enter. I’m trying to stop them in multiple ways – screaming at the top of my lungs so my brother would hear, setting up traps, chasing them, fighting them, but nothing seems to be effective. The more I fight to defend, the bigger and grander the house gets. 

The house is now a mansion, It’s “Christian” mansion from 50 shades of grey, but for some reason Christian is played by Liam Needon, so he’s a lot older than he should be but a great voice! Anyway, one loser busts in the house and I fake being injured and holding a secret blade in case he comes near, and I’m screaming until someone else hears me and arrests the guy. The last theif I fought was one I used seduction to stop him. He had tattered and dirty clothing, teeth were rotting and a few were missing, but he was younger than me by 2 years and I could tell he was looking for money for drugs. I managed to lure him to the couch and grind on top of him. I refused any real sex or oral because he stunk of sweaty balls (vomits). That’s when Liam Neeson comes down the stairs and see’s me! Finally, someone who could help me stop him. I quickly blurt out he was a theif and this was the only way to stop him until someone would help, and Liam glares and the theif. Then, for whatever reason, the words out of his mouth was that famous one liner.. I will find you, and when I do, I will get you.. Or something like that. 


I use to have sex fantasies like that all the time… me seducing men or women. Particularly its a theme of me seducing someone who has power over me to either protect myself or try and get my wants and needs met, and enjoying not only the sexual thrill, but the feeling of control, leaving them weak and helpless. My very fist sexual fantasy was something like that too… I was a government spy trying to get information out of a certain historical figure I was learning about in 4th grade. I dressed in one of those “I dream of geanie” outfits as a disguise and… Well… I got my information to say the least. 

I’m sure the meaning of these dreams is staring me dead in the face but I still need it decoded. It has to be more than just taking power away from someone. 

Blah… Long ass blog. I’m sitting at the coffee shop blogging all this. This morning I don’t know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself for handling something between me and Kylie the way I did, but she left 2 weeks worth of trash for me to take care of and out agreement was that she’d start helping with dishes. 

“Hey Kylie, what’s the situation with the dishes?”

“Umm, what do you mean? I have dishes and plastic in my room that I wash and take care of?”

“Yeah, that wasn’t our agreement. You were doing that anyway.”

“Okay, well I guess it goes back to how things were.”

“Sounds good.”

The agreement was that rather than buying plastics and stuff she’d go back to doing dishes and helping out since I’m helping her take trash to the curb because “she can’t do it by herself”, but two weeks ago she did exactly that – she took all of it out. As a result, I only took out half the trash instead of all of it since she didn’t help with any of the dishes at all, and was simply using me. 

Of course, the tarot card I pulled falls in line with this as being militant and controlling, but I have to consider my own needs. I refuse to overload myself with work, or allow myself to be taken advantage of. I know this points back to living with mom and feeling like my sense of purpose and value in the household and as a woman was trying to clean and raise her kids, and homeschool them, but healthy boundaries requires balance of what I will allow myself to take on and be responsible for. Where it’s obvious she never had any intention on helping me, and I already clean up after her when she spills something on the stove or uses the restroom, I refuse to be her thankless nanny or mother. Where she’s constantly looking to feel enabled, I won’t be doing it. Do I feel guilty for what happened? Profoundly and immensely on an unhealthy level I do – but I didn’t attack her or anything, I just asked a simple question and she had the same idea I had. Im protecting myself, and even did it in person instead of through text as she requested, despite how obviously uncomfortable it made her. I need to come to terms with my power and find the balance without shame or fear. This sucks, and I really hate it. 

*sigh* why does being me have to be so complicated. I wish someone would just give me the solution to the problem on that one – am I doing the right thing, and how do I know so I don’t have to harbor these feelings of intensity and insecurity for putting my foot down. I could attempt to take pride in myself for doing what I did, but I don’t know if I should or why, allowing Kylies problems to be her own instead of bearing the burden of interaction between us. >.>’ fucking hell. I should not be this tense and panicked before work. I need to find a way to decompress.