I just woke up from a horrible nightmare…I was 2 weeks pregnant and found out it was nicks kid, and my mom got a lawyer and met me at the church to attempt to make me keep it, and I lashed out and let her have it, letting jerk fault, and wanting to sue the lawyer too for pulling me into a false sense of security about motherhood when my son turned out autistic. I wanted to beat the shit out of her for how she treated me both this time and last time she found out I was pregnant. God I hate her…
It’s amazing to walk into work and everyone is all “Hey, Carol!” “Carol, how’s it going?” “Morning Carol! We still up for game night?” Even customers are all “how did you get into work? You need a ride home? How’s Syrus doing?”
Slowly, but surely, community is working its way into my life, and I in there’s. Supports are growing and people are starting to connect as friends and spiritualists. It’s nice being able to connect with people, and I’m hoping my love life turns around this year too. I’ve been talking to a few guys online, and one of them is into BDSM as well, which is a great chance for me to explore myself… He’s well built and lives in Hampton, so not too far away… but I’m not looking to rush into things. I still feel inadequate where I don’t have a car, but I know that has more to do with Aris implanting that insecurity more than anything. Still, stability and independence are also important. A car helps.
It’s moments like this where I love my life, and enjoy my job. I am blessed. For now I’m gonna make a list of ways to utilize the new moon approaching, and where it’s pay day I need more coffee. My cycle is coming soon because I’m sleeping WAY more and WAY earlier than I should. Like, 5pm, up around 7 or 8 for a bit, then back to sleep till 7. I doubt it’s work that’s killing me since I’m enjoying being back in the front end.
Yesterday I did the Hecates ceremony and a tarot reading with a few simple questions with powerful results.
Before the Hecates ceremony I caught myself in a religious state I hadn’t experienced in a long time… But the emotion was strong and intense. Whenever I prayed to God as a Seventh-day Adventist Id always end up acknowledging my flaws and inadequacies before approaching the throne of the lord, since pride is not acceptable, as it was Satans downfall. Confession is a huge part of it too, and the feeling of forgiveness helped me to feel acknowledged and connected in my religious worship and prayers.
Coming before Hecates I noticed that same process occurring…
“What if I’m not good enough? What if I’m not worthy? It needs to be perfect so which ceremony should I go for?”
That’s when I realized she’s not God, she’s a goddess, and because of what Hecates symbolizes, I can come before her strong in who I am because she’ll accept me as a woman at the very least. I’ve been on the right path for a while, and Hecates will show me the way, since that’s why I’m coming before her in the first place. I don’t need to feel pervasive insecurity in who I am before her, and as a goddess of power, she calls me to find ways to lock on to it.
As I did the ceremony I was surprised how grounded I was, and the expansion of the heart chakra. My crown chakra is always on overdrive when I dip into a spiritual place and yawn profusely, even though I’m not tired. Certain reading material do the same, as my healing hands book from the library does. I felt more whole, centered, calm, and deeply relaxed in my practice, and it was a sensational novelty to both create and take part of.
After a while I took a break and did my own thing for a bit… Made the psychic tea and it was pretty tasty, though I was disappointed it wasn’t spicier. It said it had peppermint and cayenne in it, but I didn’t experience much of that.
With time nearing midnight and needing to go to bed so I can wake up in the morning, I asked The Goddess to guide my tarot reading, and the results I got were as follows:
What is one thing I can grow through for the next few weeks:
Upside down King of swords:
Represents someone who is overly regimented and militants in their routines. They’re harsh in their judgements of others, and of anyone who does not fit into their stereotypes. Could be accused of having a narrow outlook on life, without room for accepting new people, ideas, and new situations. Key factors of this card are intolerance and narrow-mindedness.
Should I get involved in Politics?
King of Pentacles:
Successful and powerful with a great sense of responsibility towards family, friends, career, and community. Often successful because they have someone to provide for. This driving force is a motivator towards success, and achievement is measured through the security of family and views of oneself through important relationships in their life. Does not come across as overly confident.
Should I become an energy healer (2 cards)
Heirophant: need to seek professional advice; alternatively any ritualistic service that is performed should have the appropriate spiritual leader.
Upside down Wheel of Fortune:
Although you may have had a run of bad luck in your past, things are changing and your life will soon take a turn for the better. Everything is on the way up and now it is time to enjoy the positive changes coming your direction.
Should I consider selling adult toys through intamacy tickles, and will it be profitable? (2 cards)
10 of Wands for selling:
You have a lot of stresses, strains, and responsibilities, but you are quite capable of handling them so don’t worry too much.
2 of Pentacles for finance:
You need to keep the balancing act up for a bit longer. Don’t make any decisions to drop any one aspect of your life just yet; you will need more information before making that choice.
*personal reflection on the meaning and value of those answers to come later as I haven’t worked through it all yet, but I get the gist of it.
From there I called it a night and thanked the goddess for our reading and results.
I had a dream that when I woke up from, I realized I’d ad multiple dreams like this in the past. Although it’s sexual, I’ll post it because there is something deep and profound in repetitious dreams, but I’ve never really bothered to assess one like this, as I did in the dreams where I’m drowning. The dream, though blended in details because of its repetition, follows to the best of my understanding like this:
First I’m in a house. Men keep running in, one at a time, trying to steal an object and leave; as one theif was done and leave, another one would soon enter. I’m trying to stop them in multiple ways – screaming at the top of my lungs so my brother would hear, setting up traps, chasing them, fighting them, but nothing seems to be effective. The more I fight to defend, the bigger and grander the house gets.
The house is now a mansion, It’s “Christian” mansion from 50 shades of grey, but for some reason Christian is played by Liam Needon, so he’s a lot older than he should be but a great voice! Anyway, one loser busts in the house and I fake being injured and holding a secret blade in case he comes near, and I’m screaming until someone else hears me and arrests the guy. The last theif I fought was one I used seduction to stop him. He had tattered and dirty clothing, teeth were rotting and a few were missing, but he was younger than me by 2 years and I could tell he was looking for money for drugs. I managed to lure him to the couch and grind on top of him. I refused any real sex or oral because he stunk of sweaty balls (vomits). That’s when Liam Neeson comes down the stairs and see’s me! Finally, someone who could help me stop him. I quickly blurt out he was a theif and this was the only way to stop him until someone would help, and Liam glares and the theif. Then, for whatever reason, the words out of his mouth was that famous one liner.. I will find you, and when I do, I will get you.. Or something like that.
I use to have sex fantasies like that all the time… me seducing men or women. Particularly its a theme of me seducing someone who has power over me to either protect myself or try and get my wants and needs met, and enjoying not only the sexual thrill, but the feeling of control, leaving them weak and helpless. My very fist sexual fantasy was something like that too… I was a government spy trying to get information out of a certain historical figure I was learning about in 4th grade. I dressed in one of those “I dream of geanie” outfits as a disguise and… Well… I got my information to say the least.
I’m sure the meaning of these dreams is staring me dead in the face but I still need it decoded. It has to be more than just taking power away from someone.
Blah… Long ass blog. I’m sitting at the coffee shop blogging all this. This morning I don’t know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself for handling something between me and Kylie the way I did, but she left 2 weeks worth of trash for me to take care of and out agreement was that she’d start helping with dishes.
“Hey Kylie, what’s the situation with the dishes?”
“Umm, what do you mean? I have dishes and plastic in my room that I wash and take care of?”
“Yeah, that wasn’t our agreement. You were doing that anyway.”
“Okay, well I guess it goes back to how things were.”
The agreement was that rather than buying plastics and stuff she’d go back to doing dishes and helping out since I’m helping her take trash to the curb because “she can’t do it by herself”, but two weeks ago she did exactly that – she took all of it out. As a result, I only took out half the trash instead of all of it since she didn’t help with any of the dishes at all, and was simply using me.
Of course, the tarot card I pulled falls in line with this as being militant and controlling, but I have to consider my own needs. I refuse to overload myself with work, or allow myself to be taken advantage of. I know this points back to living with mom and feeling like my sense of purpose and value in the household and as a woman was trying to clean and raise her kids, and homeschool them, but healthy boundaries requires balance of what I will allow myself to take on and be responsible for. Where it’s obvious she never had any intention on helping me, and I already clean up after her when she spills something on the stove or uses the restroom, I refuse to be her thankless nanny or mother. Where she’s constantly looking to feel enabled, I won’t be doing it. Do I feel guilty for what happened? Profoundly and immensely on an unhealthy level I do – but I didn’t attack her or anything, I just asked a simple question and she had the same idea I had. Im protecting myself, and even did it in person instead of through text as she requested, despite how obviously uncomfortable it made her. I need to come to terms with my power and find the balance without shame or fear. This sucks, and I really hate it.
*sigh* why does being me have to be so complicated. I wish someone would just give me the solution to the problem on that one – am I doing the right thing, and how do I know so I don’t have to harbor these feelings of intensity and insecurity for putting my foot down. I could attempt to take pride in myself for doing what I did, but I don’t know if I should or why, allowing Kylies problems to be her own instead of bearing the burden of interaction between us. >.>’ fucking hell. I should not be this tense and panicked before work. I need to find a way to decompress.
It’s amazing how messages keep affirming, reaffirming, and building upon themselves.
I’m currently working out of a book called “Hands of light; a guide to healing through the human energy field.” One of the messages it talked about what receiving messages for healing, and the only way for that to happen is to connect with our inner child. The vision I had for Samhain came back to me, of the child at the bottom of the well and apologizing to her. Somehow I feel as if I’ve made peace with her… It’s not perfect, but neutral compared to what it use to be. I really wanna know how to play and connect with her more, as my left-mindedness keeps taking over.
Of course, it also talked about psychology and its role on becoming a healer. As I look up goddesses to connect to in order to strengthen my practice and ground myself more, I stumbled upon Hecate. She is the goddess of crossroads, power, transition, and transformation. Her greatest calling is discipline, encouraging you to surrender something in your life such as an old pattern of thinking or negative habit (which is what my tarot reading told me to do), and embrace the shadow side of yourself! Of course in my grief work I did in fall, it outlined that healing is to “make whole”, which includes accepting the “shadow parts” of ourselves and bringing them back in, versus curing which is to cut something out to make one health again (like a tumor). Many people who align themselves with her experience nightmares or visiting old trauma in their experience, but where I do dream work anyway, I figure I will hold a ritual to connect with her and see what happens. I’ll probably drink my psychic tea too to enhance my chances of dream work… Mugwort is good for that apparently.
I really do that that all those times I called upon the Goddess in my magick, Hecate was answering. I’ll be doing a tarot reading tonight with some questions in hand that need answering, and see where it goes.
I don’t know what it was yesterday but I felt weighed down, heavy, and my soul was just out of sync. I needed a vibrational lift, and set out for exactly that. I walked from my house to Lee initially to shop at misty meadows when Henry, one of my regulars at work, spotted me and pulled over. He gave me a lift there which was awesome, since I actually put that energy into the universe. Before I left I told myself I wasn’t gonna hitch hike, but someone whose given me a ride before would pull over without my asking, and it happened.
When I got to misty meadows I was 30 minutes early before they opened the shop, so they were kind enough to let me sit in the learning center till the shop opened. They had 2 cats, and one of them was named Freya after the old Norse goddess. Funny enough I had been doing research on her the day before, trying to figure out what godesses I connect with most and why… She was one of them. It may be a sign. Hecate is the #1 goddess I connect with however and believe she oversaw my tarot reading for 2017 review (more on that later).
Once the shop finally opened I spent a good hour there. It’s small, but there’s a ton too it. There dozens of teas with herbs they grew themselves, bulk herbs, an apocathery, a reiki studio in the back, and a metaphysical shop in the second half. I got all the candles I’d needed and set out for, as well as a new smudge wand, a book on herb magic, and something called “psychic tea”. I read that it had cayenne and peppermint and had to smell it. It was amazing! I bought half an ounce and was warned by the apothecary that there’s mugwort in it, which causes some vivid dreams. Considering I write all my dreams down there is no way I could pass this opportunity up! Muslin tea bag cloths were only .40 a piece, so I finally have the best bag I could get for my loose leaf teas! Very happy about that.
I made the hour and a half trek back home to my house, and in total I got a little more than 5 miles of walking in. I was hungry and getting a headache, but after feeling so uplifted at the shop, I settled on cleaning my bedroom and organizing my magic tools to relax a little deeper.
From there I walked downtown, bought a sub for lunch, and a single rose with a sprig of eucalyptus from next door! Green houses and floral shops always do me a world of good.
By the time I got home and ate, I had 45 minutes before kiddo got off the bus and the stresses of life returned. I had hoped to do a magic ceremony but didn’t want too with Syrus up, as has been the case lately. I did however treat myself to a peppermint everything shower (short of the shampoo). I love love LOVE peppermint!
I have all this pent up energy in me that I need to get out… It’s an emotional energy however, not just a physical. I need to go for a damn run, and as soon as Sy is asleep and Ben is home, I’ll go on my second run of the year. I should probably just set weekly/monthly goals for running this year. Once a week in January, twice a week in February, and so on, and once my routine is in place I can start refocusing my goal towards time, distance, and stamina development. This seems very simple, and once I’m in UNH, if I get in, I can use their gym too to get on track.
I finally sent 1 of the 3 emails requesting my letter of recommendation for my masters, and the last one is more of a technicality thing then anything, since Dierdre already made one for me, but it dates back to 2013. It just needs some fine tuning is all. I’m also working on trying to motivate myself to apply, because the more effort I put in, the more fearful I get. I’ve also lost track of who I am as a student, and why I want to be a therapist. I need to reinvigorate that hope of I’m able to get through this fear. Everything seems to be pointing towards the success of getting into my masters, but there is just no certainty yet. I won’t know until the time comes. I just hope I get an interview.
I tried looking up studies to show the correlation between humiliation and anger as the empathy book was talking about, but I’m not seeing it, but the research on humiliation is interesting. I’m still somewhat burnt out from emotional work and my imagination is on overdrive at this point, living in a fantasy I see in my head with my eyes wide open, but the energy it creates is more of a desperate nature than anything; hence why I need the run. I also made sure to stock up on bananas to make sure I get those micronutrients in for after my run. I also have a charity website where every mile I run it makes a donation to the charity I pick. This should be really good.
I’m finally adjusting to being alone in the house while Ben and Kylie are present overall, I just ignore them at this point unless they wanna talk to me and I just focus on my own thing. I’ll check in with Ben from time to time just to ask if he’s okay on the medical front, but remain detached overall.
I’m really trying to change how I react to Syrus when something bad has happened, in hopes that the long-run result will be a change in behavior. It took 6 years to get him here, so it’s gonna take a while to change it. He broke a keychain I’ve had since I was 8 and presented it to me, shouting “OH! HE BROKE IT! THAT WAS VERY BAD!” He slaps his thighs whenever he does this too… Almost a “self-spanking”, but lately I’ve made sure to not raise my voice so much, and this time rather than getting angry right off the bat, I presented tears instead, trying to control my sorrow instead of skipping over it by getting angry. Syrus was not anticipating me being tearful, but he knew I’d told him not to touch it multiple times over. He went upstairs on his own and apologized for it later. I’m hoping I can fix the keychain.
As for Syrus, I had to take a step back and honor the fact that when he does something wrong, rather than trying to hide it or cover it up, he comes to me and presents what happened every time, despite knowing how I’m gonna react. I don’t know if this is because he feels forced too, has no one to blame, or is just being honest, but I hope it’s because he’s just an honest kid. I genuinely appreciate that about my kid since it’s something that I didn’t do growing up. I really do love my little man.
It’s been a while since I’ve cast a spell or did a tarot reading… I really should get on that, but my spirit work lately has all been directed inwards towards working emotionally and intellectually on myself. I have to admit I was genuinely surprised and please when Keri agreed that a 10 or 12 step program wasn’t for me, but in truth I clinically believe that anyone who is codependent shouldn’t be in those programs. Group therapy and education? Absolutely. Being reinforced to give yourself to a higher power because you’re too weak and helpless to the power of others? How are you not reinforcing that codependent mentality preaching such a message. Power needs to be restored to self since it’s constantly given to others, not redirected to something that may or may not exist. It’s bizarre because it’s counterintuitive on a clinical front. That’s all.
Blah… I’m gonna drink a coffee and run in a bit. Cold, but worth it.
I am completely at a loss… A 12 yer old girl live streamed her suicide, and millions of people have watched it! What the fuck!?! The level of intimacy involved in watching someone die is more intense and private than watching, or rather, spying on someone having sex… How can anyone watch this and not feel horrified in themselves to have watched something like this with only the intent of self-interest? It’s not like they’re investigating or anything that would permit such an intrusive act. I just don’t get it…
In my inebriated state I wrote myself a love letter
Dear me, I’m awesome sauce! Love, me! #tits #curlyfries PS: I love u
Because I love curly fries, I became a potato God
Of course I had to talk to destiny too who laughed her ass off first thing this morning at me for being “so lit”. Something to do with more tits, curly fries, needing 10 cats, and words the rhyme.
I also remember doing a good hour of Pokemon go battles and catching Pokemon, because I needed to be outside where it was warm. Oh! And I made fun of mama June from toddlers and tiaras… Which I shouldn’t have… But it was funny
And last but not least, the 1 drink I had that started it all, but was so strong it took me an hour to drink between 4 glasses of water and my dessert. It was made with real espresso however so it wasn’t super sweet, but caffeine and alcohol is mixing uppers and downers. Don’t donit kids.
Best night I’ve had in a while. 😂
Bananas foster on my plate, and a coffee based cocktail in front of me, this space to myself interlaced with the social atmosphere is almost exactly what I needed; all that’s missing is a good friend to share it with. Instead I substitute with my blog and a book.
I suppose I should get off this thing and try to mingle with others, huh… 🙂
Somewhere between Mick triggering me on Ben issues and Danielle telling me if I call out again I’ll be written out because a doctors note does nothing for anyone, I’m an emotional mess. My pride has taken a hit at work, my fears are keeping up, and the loneliness is kicking in, and I have no one to talk too and no one who would wanna hear my shit.
I can only hope someone can watch Sy tonight so I can go out for a drink or something. It’s rare when I can just go out and cut loose, and tonight I fucking need it.