Category Archives: Fitness

Begging for Punishment

I’m at the edge of the precipice again… Last time I stood here I wrote that letter to Ben knowing full well the chain reaction of events would lead to a devastating level of revival towards healing, believing if I pushed past the point of transparency I’d find my way back, and I did… Now here I am again, and the clock is ticking. Just a few more days and my possessions will be in storage, I’ll have a family gym membership so I can shower, and a tent so we can sleep on the air mattress… In truth it’s all my fault, but Alex begs me to see otherwise… But it is. Once again I made the mistake of trusting people with something that could have fallen apart (and did). Instead of budgeting to live with someone, I should have moved out in February after fixing the car, but I really thought I’d be in a different position. By the same token however, I don’t want to be in a shelter. With a tent I can say I’m camping with my kiddo, and in truth it’ll end up being a spiritual journey inward wrestling with these emotions, which is probably what I need. Where the weather is warm enough, Sy too will be warm and fed and happy, and as long as he’s clean, healthy, and happy, then who cares. I just need to make sure whatever family gym I sign up for has a pool for us, and considering all the shit I’ve been getting for my weight lately, it’s not such a bad idea, though not the reason I wish to change my temple. 


To my grandmother and the asshole online who reminds me so much of Josh, fuck both of you. “Do you know how many times carol made your grandmother cry?” Why no, I don’t, because for the past 5 years she should have had enough distance between us to not talk about me on a daily basis. To put fault on me for her tears is the prevention and inability to take ownership of ones emotions, and I don’t give a shit if she comes from a different generation, I’m proud of my curves. In the right outfit I look amazing! As for the online guy who was claiming to be this amazing guy, labeling yourself as “alpha” tells me how sexism has negatively impacted who you are, and if you acknowledge I’m amazing but can’t look beyond something you’ve never seen, then maybe you’re 38 and single for a reason. That’s fine that you have your own taste in women, but I need a man to love my soul where it matters, and clearly you ain’t it. 


Crap, I meant to grab my charcoal and my sketch book… I’ve started reading the artists way, and it’s a little tough to stomach because the spiritual principles remind me of the Christian conditioning I endured, but I’m tying to stomach my way through it (when I’m not feeling dizzy from the immense eye rolling). I also got her book right to write since I am a blogger, and it seems like there’s so many ways to get published thatbitnwould be nice to get a book out there… Meh. Who knows. At this point I need to make space to write more personalized letters to the people and situations I’m wounded by to purge this emotional energy out of me and drain the dam of tears that’s pressure cooking at this point, but it’s been tough to find time and make space when alone time is being zapped away. 

Carpe Dieum 

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2016: My Best Year in Review


Don’t get me wrong, there’s a subtle level of agreement with most folks who talk about how much this year has sucked – and who could blame them? Between Carrier Fisher, Doris Roberts, David Bowie, and worst of all, Alan Rickman, a slew of people who brought some element of meaning into our lives has vanished. Me? Surprisingly this “year of death” has provided a year of meaning. Through grief work I have found greater joy and value in life, and I suppose for a woman entering her 30’s, this makes me sound like I should be 50, but it’s true. Death and life now live more harmoniously and symbolically than ever before, and I wouldn’t take back this year for anything…. well, except Donald Trump. Fuck Donald Trump.

Even though I didn’t write a letter every single day as I’d set out too at the beginning of the year, I did get about 2 months worth, plus plenty of Facebook posts and blog posts to supplement. Lets see how the timeline looks, shall we?

Towards the beginning of the year things (January, February, March) weren’t too bad. The worst of it was bills and my mother wanting to “cure my son of his autism.” Despite living in my moms house in fear specifically for the autism thing, I kept busy outside the house to balance the good and the bad. Drama with grandma from 2015 resurfaced for no reason, and it validated why I need to stay away from that side of the family. I was working at Great Bay, and was at the beach pretty often. I talk about having fun with Dawson, Colby, Trevor, Devyn, and Kylie, and road trips to Wakefield & the white mountains. My income tax return came in, I discovered my spirituality again, I applied and interviewed for community partners, talked to bill about possibly becoming a home care provider, and played love letter with my sister Cara. Gas and bills were a general problem because I needed to stay out of the house, and traveling to drop Sy off at school in Somersworth before heading to work was a pain, but I got through it.

April and May were significant turning points. I met Ben, hung out with him more, began to understand his perspective of Kylie, and that sorta opened a Pandora’s box of unlocking my own feelings towards Kylie I had been trying to suppress, weighing the value of having a friend versus being honest with myself about how disappointed I was with how she treated me from time to time. Still, we started hanging out at UNH more, and there were more opportunities to play tourist with him and show him the parts of NH he’d never seen as a Texan boy. Kylie, Ben, and I all got a place together in Newmarket, I said good-bye to my mother, and moved on in. Syrus adjusted to his new school, and we attempted to keep in touch with his old Para, Bev. Aris showed up and flashed his wedding ring at me and thought it was hilarious despite attempting to cheat on his girlfriend with me only 2 months prior too, and soon after wanted to have sy “meet his new mom”. The answer was no, and life moved on. I quit my job at Great Bay (finally) and missed  everyone dearly, but was happy to be out of the chaos that partially served me and my talents.

June & July were tough. My car broke down, fights erupted between Kylie and everyone, I was constantly getting letters from the Social Security department, and I was drowning in stress. Ben left for Texas, and my Birthday was the worst… Sy’s birthday wasn’t all that great either. Bev stopped talking to us out of what I could only assume was sorrow and disappointment for not being able to see sy on his birthday because of her own vehicle troubles, and when I tried to call and explain I was understanding and not upset, she never returned my calls. Summer was just terrible overall.

August and September were major turning points as I slipped into a trauma spell, lost my “friends”, and became suicidal… but the growth from something so hard was good. I resented the fact that I always suspected I was codependent, but was discouraged from thinking that way; when I finally stared it dead in the eyes my growth could begin. Still, had I accepted this sooner I may have been able to prevent the loss of my friends. I started working at Hannaford as a cashier, and even though it was rough adjusting to employment again and being on my feet for so long, I moved through it. By this point I no longer had food stamps or SSI, so the adjustment was scary but doable. My healing and understanding of self was making progress, but really launched itself towards the colder months


October, November, and December were filled with heavy amounts of reading, taking anti-anxiety meds for the first time, learning about grief work, powering through my past to some respect, learning and practicing self-care, discovering I’d lost 30 pounds since the beginning of the year, finding blessings in the ordinary, heavily practicing what it means to be a witch and a feminist, and really practicing boundary work. My self-esteem is still on the lower end of things, and I feel there’s some repair work to do from this year alone, but I’ll get there 1 step at a time. It’s hard to come to that place of grieving since I’m good at by-passing that through “out of sight, out of mind” methods, which isn’t health, but I’ll get better at it.


Overall this year was tough, but in a good way. At the beginning I had no idea what the year would unfold, but now I’m more comfortable about it than ever. Considering how previous years have gone, I’m glad to be where I am today. Don’t get me wrong, even as I type this my shoulders are tense, my stomach is in knots, and my core muscles are tight like I’m waiting for a punch, but my soul and the logical part of my mind is both proud and at peace for the good that outweighs the bad for 2016.

New Years was so much better than I had anticipated! After reorganizing the living room and gutting the bedroom to give me a fresher start to 2017, I finished my vision board, read the beginning of the year letters, and then Sy and I went to our first party together at Julies house next door! I brought over sparklers for the kids that I had been holding on to since the 4th of July, and made peppermint brownie ice cream from scratch! (Fuck yeah that shit was delicious). All in all it was an amazing end to the year!

Next up: My 2017 Tarot spread results and the vision board for 2017 unveil! Cheers!

Also, a major thank you to those of you who have been following my blog! This year I made it up to 85 followers, and I’m very proud of that. Thanks for motivating me to keep blogging.

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Reward Over Fear


At first I was hesitant about it…

“Taking Syrus for a run probably isn’t a good idea; he’s a toe walker after all, and I don’t know what the impact on his feet would be.”

Then I started running back and forth between my bedroom and the hallway like I use too when I did the walk away the pounds videos, and just like when he was 4, he followed me back and forth, but this time his intent was to catch me and throw himself against me for a huge hug… So I started thinking

“Maybe I could take us for a long walk, or we can at least try and run. He may be a little slow but that’s okay, as long as he’s safe.”


So I got us dressed for a run, grabbed my ear buds, threw the music on low, and took us for a brisk walk from our house to the town mural, from there I explained we were gonna run – and off we went! I turned it into a race at first but made sure he had the lead to build his confidence, then counted down from 10 to prepare him to walk – and it worked! We walked for a while, then ran, then walked, and just as we were gonna run again he decided he wanted to go into a shop. I told him we were exercising so that wasn’t a choice, but if we run back and up the hill, I’ll buy us a drink at aroma joes.

“Okay”!

One run up hill later (impressive) and we shared a small ice coffee. Normally I don’t like him having caffeine but exercise is the exception to the rule. 😊 we each drank half, and decided on 1 more run back to the house.


I am so INCREDIBLY proud of my kiddo! He defied my initial way of thinking and showed be that despite his disability, he too can be a runner; I just need to teach him to listen to his body if he needs a break, and respect his lead on that one. It also means I can create a new healthy routine for us to enjoy together, which I am thrilled about!

As for myself, it felt so good to really suck in some oxygen into my lungs! I never run through town because I find it embarrassing, but doing it with my kiddo, teaching him something new, and displaying through action that I value exercise and value us as a team took away the self-consciousness that running normally presents. My normal running route would be too much a challenge for him, as he displayed in Halloween, but this was amazing. Running is also teaching me autonomy over my own body, something that never really crossed my mind. For the weight I’ve lost and the limits I’ve been pushing my body through with yoga, I’ve been defying my assumptions and fears through trying frequently lately; I even got a good 15 minute yoga session in after running.


Also, This woman right here is my yoga inspiration – I totally wanna do a head stand! This is a better video however; she totally breaks through while privilege and middle-class norms. Truly inspirational.

Now that I’ve been sitting on my butt blogging for a while, let’s hope my legs aren’t too stiff and I can get some lunch in me!

It’s been forever, but just beginning. Happy New Year 2015

Finished 2

Well, here we are… it’s New Years Eve 2014, and what a year it’s been. I’ve gone though a 5k race, a car accident, moving, failing a course for the first time, graduating with my bachelors despite the failure, starting my masters, going to therapy, and bridging the gap between me and my ex.

For my son he’s grown so much, and his language has increased in vocabulary and his ability to deliberately choose words (and actions). I have been tried and tested on a daily basis by that boy, but here I am another year fought.

What’s strange is that I can literally put myself in last years shoes and remember dancing and drinking the night away like it was yesterday. In truth, I have the ability to do exactly that, and I really want to considering the lack of social entertainment I regularly deal with, but there’s simply no quality to it.

I feel stretched and pulled this year; I’ve been challenged, grown, and reconnected with myself on a deeper level. It’s been a year of trials for sure, unlike anything I’ve experienced (and I hate dealing with anxiety), but I’m hoping this year things will be different. Perhaps I wont live in fear of the next struggle to come my way, but be proactive and try to work through it a little more healthfully before agonizing through panic attacks. Additionally I applied for a better position within the organization I work for, and I’m hoping I get the job with a decent paycheck. I also want to start going to CREATE for my internship, and I REALLY want to go to the US Virgin Islands. Money management would have to be a goal then… need a new crappy car and money to get things done.

I have to say I’m quite proud of myself despite the years worth of exhaustion. I overcame homelessness and managed to move our family to a new place after being evicted. I managed to get through my first term successfully despite the struggle. I am painting, investing in a skill of personal value, and even sold one of them. I’ve become more competent as an up-and-coming counselor, and am even able to use the experiences I’m gaining in counseling to learn in depth about who I am and what I’ll do. I’m very existential, which I couldn’t have even properly labeled at the beginning of the year, and am beginning to realize that this isn’t just therapy, it’s a journey. My original belief was that if I just told my life story and get it out there, then the sooner I can get through all the bull-shit and move on with my life…. but that’s not how it works. In my goal to become more authentic I’ve had to dig deep and open up to what I do that I feel embarrassed or shameful about, being challenged to learn how to deal with these emotions, and expose myself to the change I find is necessary. I’ve begun to discover my voice… my inner voice that I keep sealed up out of fear. I’ve challenged myself to speak up where normally I wouldn’t; I’ve even invited the neighbors upstairs on over to allow our kids to bond and help make a connection with them. I never would have taken the time to actively get to know my neighbors in the past…. I’m glad I have. Hopefully we can become friends and I can feel a little less isolated.

I guess as I just spill my thoughts out on clicking keys, what I find is I have goals – resolutions that I’ve already started and want to continue. I want to learn how to be me. I want to feel proud of myself. I want to learn how to be gentle with myself. I want to learn how to love myself. I want internal emotional health and the ability to shine outwards by simply being who I am. In this ritualistic time of objectives and goals that we set ourselves up to fail at 88% of the time, perhaps being real is the only goal I need this year, and that one goal can encompass all that.

Once again I’ve made new friends, lost old ones, and reconnected with some I never expected too, but the quality of the journey I find is changed, molded, challenged, and shape by the people you walk it with. I also closed the door on Seventh-day Adventist, and am opening the door to new opportunities as to discover an interpersonal spirituality – a relationship with myself (insert masturbation joke here). I’ve explored new places from Maine to Massachusetts that have been incredible, and hope to continue this spirit and desire for adventure. I’ve hated this year, and I’ve also loved this year.

This has been my 2014, and will be my 2015.

To my fans, followers, and humanitarians

Hello Everyone!

While normally I use this site to record my dreams, as well as talk about the occasional life event every now and then, this post is about living your dreams. Specifically, I was accepted into my Masters degree program for Mental Health Counseling. My dreams is to one day be able to open my own practice, however, I need your help. Please take the time to read carefully, and help however you can.

Much love from the hopeless dreamer herself,
Carol Simpson

http://www.gofundme.com/c0pav0

Acceptance Letter

Random Thoughts

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I promised myself I’d start a new routine. For the life of me I could not sleep well :-/ I was up at 1:45, then 3ish, then 5:45, then my alarms went off at about 6:40. I tried to sleep for an extra 20, but was up 10 minutes later making my sons lunch. I remember fragments of my dreams…. I know Dawson was telling me that he wanted to show me how to set up the tripod, but I didn’t have the kim wipes for the camera to clean the sensor…. or whatever they’re called. I know something sexual was lingering around the corner, wanting to hit on someone to bump and grind, but I don’t remember who I was talking too. I don’t think it was a male however. I also know I was stressed at some point in my dream…. themes of coworkers were abundant. Meh…. lack of sleep screws up my ability to remember dreams… as does too much. 😛

So, about that routine… I really want to practice mindfulness and meditation for my overall health, and downloaded an app called Mindful to get me started. So far I really enjoy it. It asks for 3 core values (I put wisdom, caring, and authenticity), as well as three goals I’d like to work on. From there, it prompts you three times a day, morning, noon, and night, to help get you started by simply focusing on breathing, as well as setting simple assignments to reinforce your ability to be mindful without the assistance of the app. I really do recommend it for people looking to do the same, but are equally just as technology based.

After that I really want to start journaling in the morning too. I use to do this ALLL the time, and it was such a positive experience. Helped to keep me focused on my goals for the day, positive, and happy.

The best one is I now have a workout buddy during the week after work; I finally have that extra motivation to go, and my son is in daycare. I really hope having someone to help kick my ass works out well. 😀 That and its more fun with a friend to chat with…. helps to pass the time. Very thankful.

Adventures up Mount Washington

I’m driving north towards Conway, N.H. I brought my Nikon D70, and my kiddo is at the babysitters house. I was hoping to get some amazing shots to add to my collection in my business, Nevermore Photography. As I’m driving I come across this huge mountain with tons of people skiing, snowboarding, and snowshoeing. I drive upwards for a little bit a pull over for a photoshot. I step out of the car, lock it, shut it, and in that moment realize I locked myself out of my car. Thankfully I remembered to bring my cellphone. I give my mom a call, and although she’s not too enthused, I check the map for time estimates and she agrees to pick me up within the next 2 hours.

I decided to wander around for a bit now since I’m stuck, and worse yet, my camera is in the car too. Point of trip = defeated. I walk towards a building where people are getting gear and snacks for their time here. As I’m walking up, I see Dawson and a few other people – some I “know”, and some I don’t. I was invited to go snowshoeing with them, and since I’ve never been before, I agreed. I did explain to them I had to be back at a certain time since my mom was on her way with keys. I ask him about prices since I dont have money, and somehow snowshoe rentals are actually free. I make my way inside with some older guy who reminds me of somebody I use to know, and he starts hitting on me. Of course, I’m loving it, and so I return fire with bold and sarcastic suggestions and persuasive hints with body language. Somehow we pretty much start acting like some overly sexualized couple walking back – hugging me from behind with his hands over my stomach.

We find the guys and for some reason had to head back inside where we all witness someone yelling over the prices of the snowshoe fee. 5 pairs of snowshoes for $95. They’re trying to barbarian the price down and the employee just wouldn’t have it. Furthermore the more I listen to the debate, the more I realize the people have the money, or suck at bargaining.

We head back outside and start to make the climb. I panic because of my worry about my mother not finding me, and wake up.

Handsome Tree Slogan

Beware the Fatties

For the first time ever I went on a 5k run. More than that, I ran at a hefty 240 pounds. The weight I lost 2 years ago slowly crept up on me, and now I’m fighting the same weight loss battle. More than that however, I had a break through moment running in that race.

I did 3.1 miles in 54 minutes, and I didn’t come in last. The reason? There was a mother with her 7 year old daughter with her behind me. The mother was thin, and I’m pretty sure if not for the daughter, I would have been last. In truth, I feel like I came in last place despite being technically second to last. It doesn’t matter though.

In truth, I am first and foremost PROUD of myself for running/walking in that race on the 1st. It was on my bucket list and I got it done, despite wishing it would end quicker. Second, I do want to participate in some sort of fitness/fun community, whether it be runners, bicyclers, hikers, or something else. I REALLY want fitness to be part of my lifestyle, and it was with that statement that I had my breakthrough.

I’ve ALWAYS wanted to do amazing fitness based activities like hike Mount Washington or go rock climbing, but I look at myself and think “I can’t. I’m too fat.” As far as rock climbing goes that’s probably realistic…. but a 5K or hiking? A 5K or any race of any kind was also in the “I can’t do it-too fat” list. My break through wasn’t my “I did it” moment, but my ability to realize how society conformed my identity as “a fat person”. I’ve recently been an avid believer in stating “I have fat” versus “I am fat”, whereas saying “I am fat” co-insides with my identity, but I didn’t know how it played on my identity… until just then. I allowed society to dictate what I can or cannot do as a fat person, thereby feeling even more helpless. More than once I’ve received hate letters from anti-fat people with images of Dr. Phil saying “You’re Fat. Don’t sugar coat the truth cause you’ll eat that too”, as well as anti-bbw images spreading hate for people with fat. Its amazing how discrimination for people with fat is rising, but in my moment of clarity when I realized all this negativity became a part of who I was, I finally said “no more”. My “I can’t do it” mentality was driven by how others dictated me based on my weight.

My goal or New Year Resolution is not to “loose weight”; I’ve been saying that for years and it got my very little, despite my best efforts. My goal this year is to enjoy life, and for me, that includes fitness based activities that I can have fun with. I wan’t to have fun and be who I am deep down inside. I love hiking, I’ve always wanted to rock climb, I want to run, I want to bicycle through the mountains and take pictures… I want to do a lot of these awesome fitness based activities, and all this time I allowed myself to be dragged down and say “I cant”. In truth, I can, and this time it’s about shedding a few internal layers of pain, and growing from the inside out, without the dictation of what others have to say.

Since the race, I’ve made time to hit the gym every day at 5am before work, and go to bed early for it. Because I have a car now and don’t walk everywhere, I realized how much my muscles have deteriorated because of it over the course of 2 months. I use to be able to do 40 minutes on the machines, and now I can do 20. For now, the objective is to increase my time by 5 minutes every week, so in the next few days, I’m gonna stick to 25 minutes, then 30 the week after, and so on till I hit an hour. I want to have fun and live life this year. I want to experience the joy that comes with it. I feel renewed in my objective and delighted with my direction. Naturally the weight will come off, but its not about the weight at it’s core, its about life and fun.

Sorry, but I just had to share…

Yep, that's me!
Yep, that’s me!