Category Archives: House

Blending Experiences

Yesterday I did the Hecates ceremony and a tarot reading with a few simple questions with powerful results.

Before the Hecates ceremony I caught myself in a religious state I hadn’t experienced in a long time… But the emotion was strong and intense. Whenever I prayed to God as a Seventh-day Adventist Id always end up acknowledging my flaws and inadequacies before approaching the throne of the lord, since pride is not acceptable, as it was Satans downfall. Confession is a huge part of it too, and the feeling of forgiveness helped me to feel acknowledged and connected in my religious worship and prayers. 

Coming before Hecates I noticed that same process occurring…

“What if I’m not good enough? What if I’m not worthy? It needs to be perfect so which ceremony should I go for?”

That’s when I realized she’s not God, she’s a goddess, and because of what Hecates symbolizes, I can come before her strong in who I am because she’ll accept me as a woman at the very least. I’ve been on the right path for a while, and Hecates will show me the way, since that’s why I’m coming before her in the first place. I don’t need to feel pervasive insecurity in who I am before her, and as a goddess of power, she calls me to find ways to lock on to it. 


As I did the ceremony I was surprised how grounded I was, and the expansion of the heart chakra. My crown chakra is always on overdrive when I dip into a spiritual place and yawn profusely, even though I’m not tired. Certain reading material do the same, as my healing hands book from the library does. I felt more whole, centered, calm, and deeply relaxed in my practice, and it was a sensational novelty to both create and take part of. 

After a while I took a break and did my own thing for a bit… Made the psychic tea and it was pretty tasty, though I was disappointed it wasn’t spicier. It said it had peppermint and cayenne in it, but I didn’t experience much of that. 

With time nearing midnight and needing to go to bed so I can wake up in the morning, I asked The Goddess to guide my tarot reading, and the results I got were as follows:

What is one thing I can grow through for the next few weeks:

Upside down King of swords:

Represents someone who is overly regimented and militants in their routines. They’re harsh in their judgements of others, and of anyone who does not fit into their stereotypes. Could be accused of having a narrow outlook on life, without room for accepting new people, ideas, and new situations. Key factors of this card are intolerance and narrow-mindedness. 

Should I get involved in Politics?

King of Pentacles:

Successful and powerful with a great sense of responsibility towards family, friends, career, and community. Often successful because they have someone to provide for. This driving force is a motivator towards success, and achievement is measured through the security of family and views of oneself through important relationships in their life. Does not come across as overly confident. 

Should I become an energy healer (2 cards)

Heirophant: need to seek professional advice; alternatively any ritualistic service that is performed should have the appropriate spiritual leader.

Upside down Wheel of Fortune:

Although you may have had a run of bad luck in your past, things are changing and your life will soon take a turn for the better. Everything is on the way up and now it is time to enjoy the positive changes coming your direction. 

Should I consider selling adult toys through intamacy tickles, and will it be profitable? (2 cards)

10 of Wands for selling:

You have a lot of stresses, strains, and responsibilities, but you are quite capable of handling them so don’t worry too much. 

2 of Pentacles for finance:

You need to keep the balancing act up for a bit longer. Don’t make any decisions to drop any one aspect of your life just yet; you will need more information before making that choice. 

*personal reflection on the meaning and value of those answers to come later as I haven’t worked through it all yet, but I get the gist of it.

From there I called it a night and thanked the goddess for our reading and results. 


I had a dream that when I woke up from, I realized I’d ad multiple dreams like this in the past. Although it’s sexual, I’ll post it because there is something deep and profound in repetitious dreams, but I’ve never really bothered to assess one like this, as I did in the dreams where I’m drowning. The dream, though blended in details because of its repetition, follows to the best of my understanding like this:

First I’m in a house. Men keep running in, one at a time, trying to steal an object and leave; as one theif was done and leave, another one would soon enter. I’m trying to stop them in multiple ways – screaming at the top of my lungs so my brother would hear, setting up traps, chasing them, fighting them, but nothing seems to be effective. The more I fight to defend, the bigger and grander the house gets. 

The house is now a mansion, It’s “Christian” mansion from 50 shades of grey, but for some reason Christian is played by Liam Needon, so he’s a lot older than he should be but a great voice! Anyway, one loser busts in the house and I fake being injured and holding a secret blade in case he comes near, and I’m screaming until someone else hears me and arrests the guy. The last theif I fought was one I used seduction to stop him. He had tattered and dirty clothing, teeth were rotting and a few were missing, but he was younger than me by 2 years and I could tell he was looking for money for drugs. I managed to lure him to the couch and grind on top of him. I refused any real sex or oral because he stunk of sweaty balls (vomits). That’s when Liam Neeson comes down the stairs and see’s me! Finally, someone who could help me stop him. I quickly blurt out he was a theif and this was the only way to stop him until someone would help, and Liam glares and the theif. Then, for whatever reason, the words out of his mouth was that famous one liner.. I will find you, and when I do, I will get you.. Or something like that. 


I use to have sex fantasies like that all the time… me seducing men or women. Particularly its a theme of me seducing someone who has power over me to either protect myself or try and get my wants and needs met, and enjoying not only the sexual thrill, but the feeling of control, leaving them weak and helpless. My very fist sexual fantasy was something like that too… I was a government spy trying to get information out of a certain historical figure I was learning about in 4th grade. I dressed in one of those “I dream of geanie” outfits as a disguise and… Well… I got my information to say the least. 

I’m sure the meaning of these dreams is staring me dead in the face but I still need it decoded. It has to be more than just taking power away from someone. 

Blah… Long ass blog. I’m sitting at the coffee shop blogging all this. This morning I don’t know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself for handling something between me and Kylie the way I did, but she left 2 weeks worth of trash for me to take care of and out agreement was that she’d start helping with dishes. 

“Hey Kylie, what’s the situation with the dishes?”

“Umm, what do you mean? I have dishes and plastic in my room that I wash and take care of?”

“Yeah, that wasn’t our agreement. You were doing that anyway.”

“Okay, well I guess it goes back to how things were.”

“Sounds good.”

The agreement was that rather than buying plastics and stuff she’d go back to doing dishes and helping out since I’m helping her take trash to the curb because “she can’t do it by herself”, but two weeks ago she did exactly that – she took all of it out. As a result, I only took out half the trash instead of all of it since she didn’t help with any of the dishes at all, and was simply using me. 

Of course, the tarot card I pulled falls in line with this as being militant and controlling, but I have to consider my own needs. I refuse to overload myself with work, or allow myself to be taken advantage of. I know this points back to living with mom and feeling like my sense of purpose and value in the household and as a woman was trying to clean and raise her kids, and homeschool them, but healthy boundaries requires balance of what I will allow myself to take on and be responsible for. Where it’s obvious she never had any intention on helping me, and I already clean up after her when she spills something on the stove or uses the restroom, I refuse to be her thankless nanny or mother. Where she’s constantly looking to feel enabled, I won’t be doing it. Do I feel guilty for what happened? Profoundly and immensely on an unhealthy level I do – but I didn’t attack her or anything, I just asked a simple question and she had the same idea I had. Im protecting myself, and even did it in person instead of through text as she requested, despite how obviously uncomfortable it made her. I need to come to terms with my power and find the balance without shame or fear. This sucks, and I really hate it. 

*sigh* why does being me have to be so complicated. I wish someone would just give me the solution to the problem on that one – am I doing the right thing, and how do I know so I don’t have to harbor these feelings of intensity and insecurity for putting my foot down. I could attempt to take pride in myself for doing what I did, but I don’t know if I should or why, allowing Kylies problems to be her own instead of bearing the burden of interaction between us. >.>’ fucking hell. I should not be this tense and panicked before work. I need to find a way to decompress. 

On Holy Ground


I remember a ceremony we use to do in the church called on holy ground, and is perhaps the basis of community healing and narritive therapy that I know. There was a blanket Miss Elizabeth would provide, and everyone would sit around the blanket, tucked into its warmth and security… Then slowly… One by one… People would come forward into the middle of the blanket to confess what’s on their heart, and ask God to be made new again. Everyone would lay their hands on them, and pray for that person based on how they believe the Holy Spirit moved them to do so. 

I miss this practice. I want a tapestry to create my own sacred space… Rather than on holy ground it’s on sacred ground, and it’s my place to connect and heal in. I just wish there were others to share that sacred experience with. 

Tonight is a new moon, and I’m being called to do a rebirthing spell to let go of someofnthis negative energy; use it to take into account the growth I’ve made/tried to make, visualize who I want to be, and give thanks to the universe. I feel a resistance and a calling for it, but I know I must press onward. 

I Love You, and I am Listening


Place one hand over your heart, and the other over your stomach. Breathe deeply for just a minute, and say to yourself

“I love you, and I am listening”.

What was the impact?

I was doing a guided meditation and was promoted to do this, noticing my internal reactions… It was strange to me. A deep chasm opened up inside of me… Something was contained therein, almost like a crater that sunk deeper each time I said it, and was filled with some mysterious dark liquid or heavy gas that I was unable to identify. It resonated with me somehow in order to have had the impact it did, but I don’t understand what I was feeling. It wasn’t uplifting… It was dark, kinda sad, and heavy, but still, it resonated.

Attempting to look deeper I realized that this chasm inside of me is ultimately space… A space that needs to be filled. This space is making room for something, and I won’t know what it is unless I keep going. 

I wonder though… In my last mental health post, I explored my relationship with my need for control and how that creates safety… But this chasm…  Which I can only assume is meant to be filled with self-love… Is that the counter-balance for control? Is the cure for control this chasm?

I truly don’t know, just speculation on my part. I was working out of Louise L Hays workbook for love yourself, heal your life, and the very first subject it has you address is the concept of “deserving” and the illusion it sort of presents… It challenged me to think of what I believe I’m undeserving of and the falsehood contained therein… I wrote love. I feel I am undeserving of love inherently and wholly. This prompted me to my tattoo on my left forearm… It says 

“The fact that I exist means that I am worth loving.” 

It strips away the concept of deserving, but I always related it to a concept of otherness, not myself. Other people should love me because I exist, pure and simple – not that people HAVE too, but if I’m gonna let you into my life and have such a deep impact, then love should be there… I deserve to feel loved, but never really applied it to myself. I deserve to love myself because I exist. It feels so foreign on some level…

Again, I don’t know where I’m going, but I know I’m on the right track.

You’re Not Being Abandoned


To My Younger Self,

The one whose wounded…

The one whose scarred…

The one who’s afraid you’re going to be unloved the whole of your life…

It’s okay. I’m working on us. They aren’t your parents, they aren’t your family, and it’s my job to heal your wounds and let you know that. 

I’m sorry you hurt every time they walk out. I’m sorry it feels like they’re sneaking around you – I promise you they’re not.

Things are getting better, one day at a time, one step at a time. You don’t need to hate yourself for feeling wounded. It’s not your fault you were abandoned and abused. It’s not your fault. It never was and it never will be. 

It’s okay to feel this. You need too. You feel left out because I locked you out, and it hurts every time you see that door… Afraid you’re being locked out, afraid they’re gonna walk out… But you know what? Let them. They have their own lives, and we have our own to work on. We can have fun too. We can talk too. We can be meaningful and do meaningful things. You don’t need their light because it’s only going to mislead you; we need to find our own light and let it shine. 

It’s okay. You’re okay. I’m not a child anymore, and you’re now a grown-up… So to my inner child, the one who feels stung, bruised, slapped, kicked, and abandoned… Please… You’re okay. It’s okay. We’re okay. 

Just grieve…

Be that lighthouse. 

Become one within me. 

Breathe. 

Controlling others won’t heal your loss, but grieving will. 

Breathe…. Just breathe. 

Practicing Loving Kindness

I need to remember everyone is struggling with something, and not just struggling, but deeply.


With this context, I can (hopefully) reduce some of the internal tension I feel when doing the loving kindness mantra. I feel the positive energy when I send it to all beings, and its strongest at that point; I wish I could feel that same energy towards myself. 

It’s supposed to rain in a little while, so a ritual bath to clean my energies and collecting rain water for spell casting should be in order, and I’ve cleaned up my room for the most part to provide comfort, concentration, and space for my room. Selenite… I should use that too since I connect with that stone the most. 


I’m starting to feel depressed and I’m not sure why… Anxious too. 

*sigh* despite everything, I know I’m heading in the right direction. It’s just tough. I need to put messages into myself to counterbalance all the material I read on codependency; thank god for Louise L Hay materials…

A Slave to Control


I’m either an enabler who can’t say anything or a control freak for opening my mouth – that’s how I feel. I feel trapped over the stupidest shit, and in the end I know it’s because I use control to prevent anger outbursts because that’s the defective wall I hide behind versus saying I’m vulnerable, but where’s the room for me to say that in this situation?

It was shaming, blaming, and “no I’m not willing to talk about this” crap. I’m trying to turn it inward and ask myself where the panic comes from, where the emotions come from, and all I know is that my fear of being controlling starts with my mom from raising her children and needing to maintain the household (effectively losing my childhood), and my fear of not being able to speak up and therefor give in to enabling comes from living with my dad. He was so micromanaging that if I spoke up I’d be punished, so shut the fuck up and get it done. I’d ask him why something needs to be done and the answer was to get in my face and retort “because I said so.”

I hate myself for feeling so unbalanced, for feeling the need for control beyond a healthy limit – it mirrors codependency so damn much…. Then the moment I meditate I lose the ability to process the emotion. I do practice “rain” and attempt to re-parent my inner child by talking to my emotions as the were their own entity because in a very real way they are; each emotion is an isolation, a frozen state of time that I haven’t processed. Sadness is my early childhood, anger is my preteen/teen years, and somewhere between they evolve. Touching those emotions is touching a fragment of time and I’m shocked – it’s been 10 years since I’ve lived in a state of obsession under my parents roof, recalling every wrong, replaying every detail, and I walked away from it because I figured out it was hurting me more than it was helping, but damn… This would have been easier to deal with 10 years ago….

I’m speechless within myself, unable to conclude where to end this inner dialogue… Something feels so incomplete and I don’t know what it is.

My Dearest Nightmare

13985-fantasy_illustration

Day 1

To My Dearest Love,

Forgive me if I don’t know where to begin – I’m afraid my thoughts and feelings fall and scatter before me like a summer rain; I welcome and observe with a sense of melancholy what lays before me, but try as I might, I cannot catch them all. I suppose if I might run or dance through them, I may catch more, but in this moment, I need to stand back and observe my thoughts, my feelings, and the sensations that occur. Unlike most, I welcome the storm – I do not fear it, but I suppose you knew this about me already.

Since you’ve set sail for the sea, twice now I’ve attempted too swim, twice now I’ve laced my life with death, twice now I’ve drowned, and twice now I’ve washed ashore to the starting point on the sands below the precipice where we built our home.Be it Odin or Poseidon curse or vengeance towards a goddess who could rival the Gods, I know not, but what I do know is that the emptiness consumes me, the longing embraces me, and this wretched turmoil has been forever immortalized by sonnets and prayers. Of all I’ve had to carry, being the burden barer that I am, this is the one that sits like a boulder within my chest. I imagine the sea beside our home regularly supplied by the tears I’ve shed.. watching… waiting… my blessing is the location that I’m in for the beauty is still distracting. 

Day 2:

I’ve slept on the shores again. As I awoke I caught the sun shining through the cracks of dark clouds, promising the warmth of a new dawn, a new hope, and a new life. The vibrancy of blue casts a spell on this land, enchanting all out of it’s slumber; two doves of white were soaring overhead, one carrying an olive branch… who knew this prison could be so beautiful? The symbolism of the branch however is not lost on me, for perhaps, just perhaps, those doves were messengers of hope. I go now to set the table for two, pray chance you should surprise me at the table.

Evening of Night 2:

My love, I wish you could watch the sun set before me over the ocean – hues of red, and gold, and purples mix into the realm of twilight. Legend has it that demons come pouring forth about this time to lace the world with sorrow and suffering, but I refuse to believe it.

I listened to the pastors sermon today; it was a message of what faith can do if we can just believe. A family had nothing to eat for the holiday of Noel, and the parents had told the children that a feast would come. The children then countered ” but we have not set the table, if we believe that food will come and have faith that God will deliver, then we must set the table.” The rest of the logistics escape me, but someone remembered this family, and delivered a feast for 5 by the afternoon. The irony of this morning is not lost on me, and indeed, the many mornings before… but it becomes a painstaking process the moment I question why you are not here, but my faith so palatable. It was difficult to clear the table and dispose the food… there is something sacred about your chair, as if your aura should have been here. I can’t tell if it brought me comfort or grief, but this home has become a temple for you that I worship from. Oh, how I long to have you near me.

Midnight Hour:

I can’t tell for the life of me if it is morning or night – it’s too dark to know for certain. I just woke up dripping in sweat and tears, the salt of my wound mixing with the salt of the sea. I must calm myself… I must get this emotion out of me. The terror of the night enveloping me in the very same darkness that would hypnotize most to slumber, but instead, the darkness of time betrays me. The scent of you is fading from these sheets of ours, and the longing comes back with a vengeance.

The dream… I must get these fragments down… there was you, maybe 10 years ago, standing above the rose hedges at your grandmothers estate in Darbishire; the sight of you was breathtaking and overwhelming, surpassing the handsome features the country has to offer.I could feel the tears as they pricked against my eyes, and I ran to you, as fast as I could, feeling each step getting harder and heavier with each passing stride… but I made it.Nestled in your warm embrace, the maelstrom of emotions breaks free, and I cry into your chest, banging my fist against you as a child might do.You chuckle, most likely amused by my reaction, and simply hold me, kissing my head on occasion, waiting for my tears to subside. Slowly, things fade away with my eyes closed nestled in your embrace… how much time has passed… seconds… minutes… hours… then panic grips me.

“Shit!” I open my eyes while and find myself plummeting to my knees…. you’re gone, and suddenly I find myself in an ancient forest that hasn’t touched the light of day or the silhouette of the moon for centuries. There’s something in here that threatens my very existence, and I know my life is on the line. Briefly assessing, the woods are somehow gradient mixtures of black and gray with no discernible source of light – dust seems to cover everything, and I’m not sure how any of this is possible. Not a sound exists… no sound is capable of existing here… no wind… no movement… it’s terrifying. There is no life other than the trees which somehow maintain enough energy to block anything from entering this place… or leaving. “I shouldn’t be here, I shouldn’t be here…” 

Suddenly I am running, unable to contain the panic; I know I’m running from something.The darkness closes in again, and the harder I run, the more painful it becomes, and the faster the darkness approaches…

“No”

It’s coming…

“NO”

It’s hard to breathe…

“NOOOO”

I jolt from my bed, screaming aloud. 

>>>>>>>>>>>(Blah…. too much to write and edit. I’ll be fixing this later… yes I know it’s rough, but this is just copy pasta from my journal I keep in my room anyway.)

Another Coworker Dream

984515-TESV 2011-12-15 10-33-49-08

I don’t remember much of the dream… just the feeling I got at one particular time.

There is a guy I work with who, as it turns out, is into anime, video games, and has his own band. Well, the other day (in real life) we got paired up with one another to work on an adventure (yes we go one adventures), and we ended up getting to know each other a little better. As time progressed, I began to understand that he’s a really caring guy who just comes off a little strong at times, but means really well. I felt connected to him, and I respect the work he does. This connection and understanding of him is I suppose what lead to this dream…

So we’re at my house and he’s over to play cards against humanity, some PC stuff, and watch anime. We’re having fun, we’re hanging out, and eventually we start snuggling up on the couch together… even though it was just snuggling, there was a sense of intimacy there that I just don’t get in real life, but I’ve felt before. I miss that. :-/ Needless to say I kinda wanted to pounce him in my dream but I didn’t. 😛 All that truly stands out however is just the happiness of being able to rest my head on him while we watch some crappy show. ❤ That was good enough for me.

To my fans, followers, and humanitarians

Hello Everyone!

While normally I use this site to record my dreams, as well as talk about the occasional life event every now and then, this post is about living your dreams. Specifically, I was accepted into my Masters degree program for Mental Health Counseling. My dreams is to one day be able to open my own practice, however, I need your help. Please take the time to read carefully, and help however you can.

Much love from the hopeless dreamer herself,
Carol Simpson

http://www.gofundme.com/c0pav0

Acceptance Letter

A Boy Named Felix

I fell in love with a boy named Felix; he’s not quite a man, but a boy who’s 20. He was shy, sensitive, quiet, and cute – but after a while he’s quite funny too. I was in “my” home that was somewhat different, and a few of my family and their friends I’d never met were watching tv or cooking. I didn’t really care for what was going on, so I went into the room where Felix was hanging out and started bonding. We talk about video games and other things of interest and commonality. After a while he came forward and said he liked me, but long distance relationships aren’t his thing. I guess he was really a farm boy in the mid-west. I slight pang of disappointment went through me, but that doesn’t mean we couldn’t still be friends, or I couldn’t enjoy my time here with him. I step out of the bedroom real quick to check on my guests, and low and behold, the ex is sitting on my couch between my dad and my brother – Aris. As soon as he saw me he stood up, smiled, and walked over towards me as through he were happy to see me. I feel guilty rather than angry – guilty because I was falling for someone else just a moment ago. Then I feel defensive because I don’t want him meeting Felix, so I need to get rid of Aris. I guess my mothers politeness ruled out over everything despite hating Aris, so she asked him “eggs and potatoes for dinner okay?” “Sure” he replies. I panic because mom is using my food, I only had 1 potato left, and he cant have it. I go into the kitchen and say “No, that potato is mine, I just bought it, and he can’t have it. Here – ” checking on top of the fridge to find something potato like, I hand it to Aris who was standing behind me, and walk away back to Felix. Aris is kind of staring there dumb-founded at me and making me feel like an errant child, but quite frankly he shouldn’t have even been there. I hate him.

I’m back beside Felix who’s playing something on the computer when some old-timer shows up sitting against the wall opposite to us; It was Felix’s grandfather. I forget what was said, but I know Felix joined us and the grandfather put some kinda music his computer. Felix is standing in front of me and I try to get closer to see whats on the computer, but Felix thought I was trying to snuggle with him. It got kinda awkward trying to figure out how he should respond to me, but finally he spins around, grabs me by the waist, and does this hugging/slow-dance thing. Being so close against him and inhaling his scent threw me into a spell of lust and security. I loved it. Eventually he took control of the situation and started whisking me around the room spinning and dancing. I was embarrassed, shy, and loving every moment. I turn to look at the grandfather, and am grateful he’s asleep. I look back up at Felix, and he’s subtly changed some how. He’s seems stronger, confident, and a tad bit taller perhaps. All of a sudden he wasn’t some shy boy, but a man in that moment. I hug him against me again and a sudden thrill and lust yet again rushes through me. I pull back and the song ends. He’s now back to the shy boy. We felt awkward in the moment, but I was still attracted. Felix goes back to his computer, and I go back to watching him. I figured that even though he may not be interested in a long-term relationship, perhaps we can stay connected. “Do you have a Facebook I can add you too?” “No.” “Do you have an email address?.” “No.” “Do you have a phone number???” “No.” I felt hurt and confused now. Why is he doing this? Everything voids to black and I wake.

For the record: Yes, he looked very close to Pewdiepie – AKA: Felix.

tumblr_static_tumblr_memlghvdrx1rlzhajo1_500