Category Archives: Lucid Dreaming

Blending Experiences

Yesterday I did the Hecates ceremony and a tarot reading with a few simple questions with powerful results.

Before the Hecates ceremony I caught myself in a religious state I hadn’t experienced in a long time… But the emotion was strong and intense. Whenever I prayed to God as a Seventh-day Adventist Id always end up acknowledging my flaws and inadequacies before approaching the throne of the lord, since pride is not acceptable, as it was Satans downfall. Confession is a huge part of it too, and the feeling of forgiveness helped me to feel acknowledged and connected in my religious worship and prayers. 

Coming before Hecates I noticed that same process occurring…

“What if I’m not good enough? What if I’m not worthy? It needs to be perfect so which ceremony should I go for?”

That’s when I realized she’s not God, she’s a goddess, and because of what Hecates symbolizes, I can come before her strong in who I am because she’ll accept me as a woman at the very least. I’ve been on the right path for a while, and Hecates will show me the way, since that’s why I’m coming before her in the first place. I don’t need to feel pervasive insecurity in who I am before her, and as a goddess of power, she calls me to find ways to lock on to it. 


As I did the ceremony I was surprised how grounded I was, and the expansion of the heart chakra. My crown chakra is always on overdrive when I dip into a spiritual place and yawn profusely, even though I’m not tired. Certain reading material do the same, as my healing hands book from the library does. I felt more whole, centered, calm, and deeply relaxed in my practice, and it was a sensational novelty to both create and take part of. 

After a while I took a break and did my own thing for a bit… Made the psychic tea and it was pretty tasty, though I was disappointed it wasn’t spicier. It said it had peppermint and cayenne in it, but I didn’t experience much of that. 

With time nearing midnight and needing to go to bed so I can wake up in the morning, I asked The Goddess to guide my tarot reading, and the results I got were as follows:

What is one thing I can grow through for the next few weeks:

Upside down King of swords:

Represents someone who is overly regimented and militants in their routines. They’re harsh in their judgements of others, and of anyone who does not fit into their stereotypes. Could be accused of having a narrow outlook on life, without room for accepting new people, ideas, and new situations. Key factors of this card are intolerance and narrow-mindedness. 

Should I get involved in Politics?

King of Pentacles:

Successful and powerful with a great sense of responsibility towards family, friends, career, and community. Often successful because they have someone to provide for. This driving force is a motivator towards success, and achievement is measured through the security of family and views of oneself through important relationships in their life. Does not come across as overly confident. 

Should I become an energy healer (2 cards)

Heirophant: need to seek professional advice; alternatively any ritualistic service that is performed should have the appropriate spiritual leader.

Upside down Wheel of Fortune:

Although you may have had a run of bad luck in your past, things are changing and your life will soon take a turn for the better. Everything is on the way up and now it is time to enjoy the positive changes coming your direction. 

Should I consider selling adult toys through intamacy tickles, and will it be profitable? (2 cards)

10 of Wands for selling:

You have a lot of stresses, strains, and responsibilities, but you are quite capable of handling them so don’t worry too much. 

2 of Pentacles for finance:

You need to keep the balancing act up for a bit longer. Don’t make any decisions to drop any one aspect of your life just yet; you will need more information before making that choice. 

*personal reflection on the meaning and value of those answers to come later as I haven’t worked through it all yet, but I get the gist of it.

From there I called it a night and thanked the goddess for our reading and results. 


I had a dream that when I woke up from, I realized I’d ad multiple dreams like this in the past. Although it’s sexual, I’ll post it because there is something deep and profound in repetitious dreams, but I’ve never really bothered to assess one like this, as I did in the dreams where I’m drowning. The dream, though blended in details because of its repetition, follows to the best of my understanding like this:

First I’m in a house. Men keep running in, one at a time, trying to steal an object and leave; as one theif was done and leave, another one would soon enter. I’m trying to stop them in multiple ways – screaming at the top of my lungs so my brother would hear, setting up traps, chasing them, fighting them, but nothing seems to be effective. The more I fight to defend, the bigger and grander the house gets. 

The house is now a mansion, It’s “Christian” mansion from 50 shades of grey, but for some reason Christian is played by Liam Needon, so he’s a lot older than he should be but a great voice! Anyway, one loser busts in the house and I fake being injured and holding a secret blade in case he comes near, and I’m screaming until someone else hears me and arrests the guy. The last theif I fought was one I used seduction to stop him. He had tattered and dirty clothing, teeth were rotting and a few were missing, but he was younger than me by 2 years and I could tell he was looking for money for drugs. I managed to lure him to the couch and grind on top of him. I refused any real sex or oral because he stunk of sweaty balls (vomits). That’s when Liam Neeson comes down the stairs and see’s me! Finally, someone who could help me stop him. I quickly blurt out he was a theif and this was the only way to stop him until someone would help, and Liam glares and the theif. Then, for whatever reason, the words out of his mouth was that famous one liner.. I will find you, and when I do, I will get you.. Or something like that. 


I use to have sex fantasies like that all the time… me seducing men or women. Particularly its a theme of me seducing someone who has power over me to either protect myself or try and get my wants and needs met, and enjoying not only the sexual thrill, but the feeling of control, leaving them weak and helpless. My very fist sexual fantasy was something like that too… I was a government spy trying to get information out of a certain historical figure I was learning about in 4th grade. I dressed in one of those “I dream of geanie” outfits as a disguise and… Well… I got my information to say the least. 

I’m sure the meaning of these dreams is staring me dead in the face but I still need it decoded. It has to be more than just taking power away from someone. 

Blah… Long ass blog. I’m sitting at the coffee shop blogging all this. This morning I don’t know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself for handling something between me and Kylie the way I did, but she left 2 weeks worth of trash for me to take care of and out agreement was that she’d start helping with dishes. 

“Hey Kylie, what’s the situation with the dishes?”

“Umm, what do you mean? I have dishes and plastic in my room that I wash and take care of?”

“Yeah, that wasn’t our agreement. You were doing that anyway.”

“Okay, well I guess it goes back to how things were.”

“Sounds good.”

The agreement was that rather than buying plastics and stuff she’d go back to doing dishes and helping out since I’m helping her take trash to the curb because “she can’t do it by herself”, but two weeks ago she did exactly that – she took all of it out. As a result, I only took out half the trash instead of all of it since she didn’t help with any of the dishes at all, and was simply using me. 

Of course, the tarot card I pulled falls in line with this as being militant and controlling, but I have to consider my own needs. I refuse to overload myself with work, or allow myself to be taken advantage of. I know this points back to living with mom and feeling like my sense of purpose and value in the household and as a woman was trying to clean and raise her kids, and homeschool them, but healthy boundaries requires balance of what I will allow myself to take on and be responsible for. Where it’s obvious she never had any intention on helping me, and I already clean up after her when she spills something on the stove or uses the restroom, I refuse to be her thankless nanny or mother. Where she’s constantly looking to feel enabled, I won’t be doing it. Do I feel guilty for what happened? Profoundly and immensely on an unhealthy level I do – but I didn’t attack her or anything, I just asked a simple question and she had the same idea I had. Im protecting myself, and even did it in person instead of through text as she requested, despite how obviously uncomfortable it made her. I need to come to terms with my power and find the balance without shame or fear. This sucks, and I really hate it. 

*sigh* why does being me have to be so complicated. I wish someone would just give me the solution to the problem on that one – am I doing the right thing, and how do I know so I don’t have to harbor these feelings of intensity and insecurity for putting my foot down. I could attempt to take pride in myself for doing what I did, but I don’t know if I should or why, allowing Kylies problems to be her own instead of bearing the burden of interaction between us. >.>’ fucking hell. I should not be this tense and panicked before work. I need to find a way to decompress. 

Wicca, Hecate, and Healing

It’s amazing how messages keep affirming, reaffirming, and building upon themselves.

I’m currently working out of a book called “Hands of light; a guide to healing through the human energy field.” One of the messages it talked about what receiving messages for healing, and the only way for that to happen is to connect with our inner child. The vision I had for Samhain came back to me, of the child at the bottom of the well and apologizing to her. Somehow I feel as if I’ve made peace with her… It’s not perfect, but neutral compared to what it use to be. I really wanna know how to play and connect with her more, as my left-mindedness keeps taking over. 


Of course, it also talked about psychology and its role on becoming a healer. As I look up goddesses to connect to in order to strengthen my practice and ground myself more, I stumbled upon Hecate. She is the goddess of crossroads, power, transition, and transformation. Her greatest calling is discipline, encouraging you to surrender something in your life such as an old pattern of thinking or negative habit (which is what my tarot reading told me to do), and embrace the shadow side of yourself! Of course in my grief work I did in fall, it outlined that healing is to “make whole”, which includes accepting the “shadow parts” of ourselves and bringing them back in, versus curing which is to cut something out to make one health again (like a tumor). Many people who align themselves with her experience nightmares or visiting old trauma in their experience, but where I do dream work anyway, I figure I will hold a ritual to connect with her and see what happens. I’ll probably drink my psychic tea too to enhance my chances of dream work… Mugwort is good for that apparently. 


I really do that that all those times I called upon the Goddess in my magick, Hecate was answering. I’ll be doing a tarot reading tonight with some questions in hand that need answering, and see where it goes. 

A Day of Self Care


I don’t know what it was yesterday but I felt weighed down, heavy, and my soul was just out of sync. I needed a vibrational lift, and set out for exactly that. I walked from my house to Lee initially to shop at misty meadows when Henry, one of my regulars at work, spotted me and pulled over. He gave me a lift there which was awesome, since I actually put that energy into the universe. Before I left I told myself I wasn’t gonna hitch hike, but someone whose given me a ride before would pull over without my asking, and it happened. 


When I got to misty meadows I was 30 minutes early before they opened the shop, so they were kind enough to let me sit in the learning center till the shop opened. They had 2 cats, and one of them was named Freya after the old Norse goddess. Funny enough I had been doing research on her the day before, trying to figure out what godesses I connect with most and why… She was one of them. It may be a sign. Hecate is the #1 goddess I connect with however and believe she oversaw my tarot reading for 2017 review (more on that later). 

Once the shop finally opened I spent a good hour there. It’s small, but there’s a ton too it. There dozens of teas with herbs they grew themselves, bulk herbs, an apocathery, a reiki studio in the back, and a metaphysical shop in the second half. I got all the candles I’d needed and set out for, as well as a new smudge wand, a book on herb magic, and something called “psychic tea”. I read that it had cayenne and peppermint and had to smell it. It was amazing! I bought half an ounce and was warned by the apothecary that there’s mugwort in it, which causes some vivid dreams. Considering I write all my dreams down there is no way I could pass this opportunity up! Muslin tea bag cloths were only .40 a piece, so I finally have the best bag I could get for my loose leaf teas! Very happy about that.


I made the hour and a half trek back home to my house, and in total I got a little more than 5 miles of walking in. I was hungry and getting a headache, but after feeling so uplifted at the shop, I settled on cleaning my bedroom and organizing my magic tools to relax a little deeper. 

From there I walked downtown, bought a sub for lunch, and a single rose with a sprig of eucalyptus from next door! Green houses and floral shops always do me a world of good. 

By the time I got home and ate, I had 45 minutes before kiddo got off the bus and the stresses of life returned. I had hoped to do a magic ceremony but didn’t want too with Syrus up, as has been the case lately. I did however treat myself to a peppermint everything shower (short of the shampoo). I love love LOVE peppermint!

The Color Red

I wonder if by free association there’s something about the color red that bothers me… I’ve been trying to do a chakra meditation and when I visualize red I have a hard time with it. My mind try’s to force it or it wanders and I always end up mad at Ben over the fight with Kylie. I just have a hard time connecting with that color… I think of red and I think it impulsivity, hatred, blood, Mars… I mean I try to think of roses and red dresses and lipstick too but it’s not very effective. 

Then I remembered the balloon meditation for chakra release – a bloom in your hand if each color, and starting with red you let go of each balloon one by one. Surprisingly this worked okay… Till I got to yellow… I let the balloon go and it kind of sank, so I tried it again and forced myself to see it go up, but then I felt it’s sort of… weight. It’s as if it couldn’t go up and I couldn’t force it too. Strange. I wonder what it could mean. 

Spiritually in Tune

Learning about psychic abilities, I’m amazed how so many forms of spirituality point back to the law of attraction and being in touch with the universe/universal mind. I need to continue practicing the law of attraction of enhance my craft and my being. 

Reading the book it talked about clairaudience – the ability to hear a voice that moves you in the right direction. It reminded me of one of the few spiritual experiences I’ve never been able to shake. I had just come back from my first ever prayer retreat for youth, and when I returned home I was unable to find something. Where my grandmother brought me home I figured it must have fallen out in her car, so I asked for her keys and looked.

I opened the door to her Pontiac sunfire and dug around the front seats first – nothing. She keeps her car spotless. Then I slid the driver seat forward and got back in my knees and checked. My ears were almost against the floor of the backseat of the car when I heard it… It was a choior of voices singing together in unison. There was no words. I would describe it as something close to Sancte Deus by the Thomas Tallis Schollars, but of course that’s in Latin. What I heard as a teen could have very well been in Latin, but I wouldn’t have been able to identify it. I kneeled there in awe listening for a good 12 seconds at least, and when I picked my head back up its as if my consciousness altered to a state of alertness since I was now looking for those voices, feeling certain I was mistaken, but when I put my head back down I heard those same voices rapidly fading. I never heard anything like that in my life, and I never heard it again. At the time I called it Angels… Now? I wouldn’t know what to call them since Angels are a highly judeo-Christian concept, just like Satan. Although there are some traces back to universal energy such as the Holy Spirit, the rigidity of the bible bothers my moral values system too much to allow it back into my life. The level of sexism, homophobia, slavery, and so on kills me – not to mention that the God of the bible is incredibly two-faced. I can’t tell if it has multiple personality disorder or was going through his own spiritual journey and was using human beings as the ultimate experiment in twisted humor. 

*sigh*

The funny thing is I’ve kept so many of my prayer journals from when I was a kid that I should probably pick one up and use it as a way back into who I was as a teen. I couldn’t throw them way because my mother would take them and read them if she found them, and of course my dad stole my diary. Nothing was kept sacred. It’s the one thing I need to teach my son is that his life is sacred, his body is sacred, his space is sacred, and the same is true for others. Treat life & people as sacred… If he can. If we can. If I can. 

Back to reading…

Family Drama and the Best Man

Im in Boston or some other huge city trying to avoid my grandparents, Angie, Ashley, and Danny; I have no prob running into Ryan. I seem to recall being in a mall at first, but then it transitions into the city. Architecture and landscaping looks familiar only to me because I’ve been here before in my dreams, but it doesn’t exist in real life. It’s always when I run away from people or am trying to catch up too then I end up here. I remember giving Ryan a hug in the mall and trying to catch up to him while Angie and grandma are combative and present a faux grandur in their confrontation towards me. Ashley and grandpa are paired up together as information exploiters and drama creators; I hold my head high around them with my own air of pride and conceit, but it’s the defense I use so they can’t get me down. 
At some point the dream transitions and I end up being a backseat observer, following the events that unfold before me with no real attachment to the storyline, much like an extra cast in a movie to walk down the street. I remember this guy named Christian watching me dance at the mall (now watch me whip, now watch me nae nae), and he invites me to this wedding as part of a dance party. I love weddings, so sure, I follow him…it turns out Christian was the best man and had to give a speech, but once we’re at the wedding everyone begins to wonder where the bride is. Someone finally receives a text, and the bride decided she’s not showing up. She fled the country and she’s not coming back. The husband, fearing how this not only reflects on him, but worried about the guests who’d all showed up at their own expense for this moment, decided that it is a party and should remain that way, but before people start to enjoy themselves, the best man must now give an impromptu speech at the grooms request in light of circumstances, in order to comfort people and talk about how amazing groom is. It turns out Christian is terrified of public speeches with major anxiety, and now that the events have changed, he has no speech to read off, and he’s in the spot light. He couldn’t get beyond 2 words before choking over himself..

“Uh… I..”

I could hear his thoughts. Christian wanted to say he thought the groom was amazing, but couldn’t. He didn’t know where to start, he didn’t know how to begin it. I’m in the audience hearing his thoughts, hearing what he cannot say, when suddenly something goes horribly wrong. No longer is he figuritey choking on his own words, he’s now doing it in real life. He turns a deep blood red color, collapses on stage, and dies in front of everyone to the horror of the groom. We find out later Christian died from a drug overdose combined with the single glass of alcohol he had consumed at the wedding. It was purely by accident, and the drug was ecstasy, meant to be used as some form of elation to counter the anxiety he was anticipating before going on stage…

Strangely enough, I felt sad for Christian, and it never occurred to me to feel bad for the groom until hindsight kicked in from writing this dream… The groom lost so much more, but all I could feel was sadness for the best man. 

The Aftermath of Samhain Ceremony


Yesterday I conducted the Samhain ceremony for myself, and wrote some very deep and profound things to be released – old beliefs that are more harmful than helpful, feelings of fear, anger, and self-harm, and levels of resentment and control I have uncovered. As it said, I wrote it down and tore it into long strips.

From there I went on a journey towards my inner child, and switched places with her from the bottom of the well. The feelings I had experienced toward Ben on a reactive attachment level came up as I was looking at my inner child, and I asked her how to let go of this…

“Appologize. Promise me you’re going to do better; promise me you won’t do this again.”

Somehow I was fearful that this was manipulative, but I knew it was not meant to be controlling. I promised myself that I would try to nurture those places she carried, and I hugged her. As the spell states, I went on a journey and opened a door. When I opened it there was blinding light, and my inner child was standing at me through the doorway, beconing me to go through. Once I did, the meditation where I had been asked to “cultivate a garden of love” came through, and what I saw was a mountainesque scenery that reminded me of Switzerland or Austria, with a small stone house and a garden. I saw myself in a dress, healthy and glowing, and my job was to care for this place. My inner child was happy, dancing, and carefree. Then around the corner was an old woman, me, my future self, and she was my wisdom. The triple moon played out as my inner child, my current self, and my future self were now aligned in this place. She took me out a tour of sorts and showed me around. She told me I was on the right path, and to embrace the inner goddess.

Blackness unfolded before me again, but this time they were memories of real life… Memories of my childhood. I saw myself looking into my pink and white vanity I use to play with as a child. Memories of redden gardens popped up. I could hear my grandmother angry in the background for cutting my hair. I looked so sad, and felt it too. I saw my old bed and the quarters under my pillow my mom had left me when I lost my tooth. I saw myself as a child back at sunnyhurst apartments looking up at the doorway alone. I saw myself after I was kidnapped living in those apartments just off of exit 8W, and I was sad and alone then too. I saw myself in Florida when I was 8 in lots altos, sad and alone. It was in this moment I hugged my inner child, and tried to tell her she wasn’t alone. It was in this moment my inner child sobbed, because the very thing I did was the very thing I craved my mother doing but could no longer receive.

This ceremony has peeled away another layer of the onion, and just like an onion, intensity towards tears is starting to unfold. All morning I’ve been dealing with difficult emotions related to reactive-attachment wounding. I did a healing love wounds meditation and it touched the very experience Im coping with now.

This hurt… This hurt so much, but in a good way. I was anywhere between 8 and 10 when I felt this way… Tense in the shoulders, swelling of the throat, furrowed brows, clenched fists, and a wrecking ball in the pit of my stomach. I just happened to be in touch with similar emotions when I decided to do this meditation. I promised myself I wouldn’t let anyone in… I got angry and promised myself not to let anyone in to protect myself; I hated the world and the world hated me because at least in this way I won’t feel sad and scared when shame and disappointment arises. What new promises can I make to myself? What new messages can I put in? At this point I’m not 100% sure, but I know it needs to include embracing my inner child and asking for guidance and forgiveness. This will be the path towards success.

This is what I wrote in my meditation journal… Even now I feel this, and there’s a small snse of anxiety, but not by much… It’s anger. It’s intense, and even though I physically feel this anger, I emotionally feel a sense of despair. I know I’m on the right path, and I need to continue forward.

The moment I got my color deck, I knew I needed to draw the rainbow and pearl cards. I didn’t remember what the meaning was, and I wasn’t sure if I would trust my instinct, but I pulled them anyway. Using my energy I pulled the orange and yellow cards as well. I don’t have the booklet on me but I know the pearl is to connect with the divine, yellow is access innovate thinking, orange was to nurture myself, and rainbow was to connect with nature. Rainbow also connects me to the chakras, and I’m going back to my chakra book to reread it.  While meditating and doing spell work I noticed how tight my back was, and with all the weight I’ve been losing, I should probably start doing yoga again and running since it would help a lot. I just wish I had energy at night, but if it’s the only time I have on work days, I should make constructive use of it.

My inner circle

I’ve found the grounding of my inner world… The visual balance of light and darkness, the stillness amongst movement. 

A circle of white is painted and somewhat worn in the thickest and dark green grass I’ve ever enjoyed.. The sky… It dances. Breaking between thick hues of grey clouds is a blinding light, and it ripples and sways like sitting on the bottom of a pool looking up. Gray and blinding light dance between each other, and I’m sitting… Still… In the circle, while winds constantly blow. The light and the shadows ripple through the grass, and silently I observe it. 

Here I find the balance of peace for just a little while. 

Reconnecting with the past

  

Recently I’ve been working out of Pia Mellodys work on facing love addiction, and it separates how codependent addicts are split into 2 categories: the love addict, and the love avoidant. Love addicts cling at the hip where love avoidants fear that intimacy, but desperately crave it. As the patterns unfolded before me for myself, people I’ve worshiped in the past, and the toxic church system that breeds emotional addiction, I’ve come into some pretty painful dreams lately; my laptop has been out of commission however, so my blogging journey sucks with this crappy WordPress app that’s incredibly slow. 

Moving on, dreams of abandonment have surfaced where either I’m swarmed by fruit flys or Mosquitos and I’m forced to abandon everyone, including my son, just to run away so the bugs follow me and won’t hurt anyone anymore. 

I’ve had dreams where I’m fighting with people through text and wake up trying to discern if it was real or not, and my visions have never been that intense

I’ve had dreams of being punished and abandoned that force me to wake up in tears… Connecting with all this baggage without the assistance of extreme religion based on sheep hearing mentalities or friends who don’t value spirituality and connecting within oneself the way I do so brazenly hurts… It hurts a lot. I finally get why I don’t understand friendships, and how removing people at the drop of a dime is a faulty protective feature I use because it helps me cope with emotions and maintains control…

But this sucks. 

I want so bad to indulge in my mind palace – fantasies that get me high and help me run away from reality… But I’m afraid. It’s a cycle of addiction that’s very punch-drunk-love based in its own way. It’s safe. It’s pervasive. I miss running away into a heady, potent, and intoxicating dream world… It’s a functional coping skill for children in neglectful or abusive situations but works as a double edge sword with both strengths and weaknesses as a result. 

For now I’ll go back to my energy work, back to my oracle cards, and back to my stones, teas, and singing bowl… I really need to make an altar, but more importantly, I need to find a way to escape these nightmares. Sleeping past 5am without the panic attacks would be amazing. 

My Dearest Nightmare

13985-fantasy_illustration

Day 1

To My Dearest Love,

Forgive me if I don’t know where to begin – I’m afraid my thoughts and feelings fall and scatter before me like a summer rain; I welcome and observe with a sense of melancholy what lays before me, but try as I might, I cannot catch them all. I suppose if I might run or dance through them, I may catch more, but in this moment, I need to stand back and observe my thoughts, my feelings, and the sensations that occur. Unlike most, I welcome the storm – I do not fear it, but I suppose you knew this about me already.

Since you’ve set sail for the sea, twice now I’ve attempted too swim, twice now I’ve laced my life with death, twice now I’ve drowned, and twice now I’ve washed ashore to the starting point on the sands below the precipice where we built our home.Be it Odin or Poseidon curse or vengeance towards a goddess who could rival the Gods, I know not, but what I do know is that the emptiness consumes me, the longing embraces me, and this wretched turmoil has been forever immortalized by sonnets and prayers. Of all I’ve had to carry, being the burden barer that I am, this is the one that sits like a boulder within my chest. I imagine the sea beside our home regularly supplied by the tears I’ve shed.. watching… waiting… my blessing is the location that I’m in for the beauty is still distracting. 

Day 2:

I’ve slept on the shores again. As I awoke I caught the sun shining through the cracks of dark clouds, promising the warmth of a new dawn, a new hope, and a new life. The vibrancy of blue casts a spell on this land, enchanting all out of it’s slumber; two doves of white were soaring overhead, one carrying an olive branch… who knew this prison could be so beautiful? The symbolism of the branch however is not lost on me, for perhaps, just perhaps, those doves were messengers of hope. I go now to set the table for two, pray chance you should surprise me at the table.

Evening of Night 2:

My love, I wish you could watch the sun set before me over the ocean – hues of red, and gold, and purples mix into the realm of twilight. Legend has it that demons come pouring forth about this time to lace the world with sorrow and suffering, but I refuse to believe it.

I listened to the pastors sermon today; it was a message of what faith can do if we can just believe. A family had nothing to eat for the holiday of Noel, and the parents had told the children that a feast would come. The children then countered ” but we have not set the table, if we believe that food will come and have faith that God will deliver, then we must set the table.” The rest of the logistics escape me, but someone remembered this family, and delivered a feast for 5 by the afternoon. The irony of this morning is not lost on me, and indeed, the many mornings before… but it becomes a painstaking process the moment I question why you are not here, but my faith so palatable. It was difficult to clear the table and dispose the food… there is something sacred about your chair, as if your aura should have been here. I can’t tell if it brought me comfort or grief, but this home has become a temple for you that I worship from. Oh, how I long to have you near me.

Midnight Hour:

I can’t tell for the life of me if it is morning or night – it’s too dark to know for certain. I just woke up dripping in sweat and tears, the salt of my wound mixing with the salt of the sea. I must calm myself… I must get this emotion out of me. The terror of the night enveloping me in the very same darkness that would hypnotize most to slumber, but instead, the darkness of time betrays me. The scent of you is fading from these sheets of ours, and the longing comes back with a vengeance.

The dream… I must get these fragments down… there was you, maybe 10 years ago, standing above the rose hedges at your grandmothers estate in Darbishire; the sight of you was breathtaking and overwhelming, surpassing the handsome features the country has to offer.I could feel the tears as they pricked against my eyes, and I ran to you, as fast as I could, feeling each step getting harder and heavier with each passing stride… but I made it.Nestled in your warm embrace, the maelstrom of emotions breaks free, and I cry into your chest, banging my fist against you as a child might do.You chuckle, most likely amused by my reaction, and simply hold me, kissing my head on occasion, waiting for my tears to subside. Slowly, things fade away with my eyes closed nestled in your embrace… how much time has passed… seconds… minutes… hours… then panic grips me.

“Shit!” I open my eyes while and find myself plummeting to my knees…. you’re gone, and suddenly I find myself in an ancient forest that hasn’t touched the light of day or the silhouette of the moon for centuries. There’s something in here that threatens my very existence, and I know my life is on the line. Briefly assessing, the woods are somehow gradient mixtures of black and gray with no discernible source of light – dust seems to cover everything, and I’m not sure how any of this is possible. Not a sound exists… no sound is capable of existing here… no wind… no movement… it’s terrifying. There is no life other than the trees which somehow maintain enough energy to block anything from entering this place… or leaving. “I shouldn’t be here, I shouldn’t be here…” 

Suddenly I am running, unable to contain the panic; I know I’m running from something.The darkness closes in again, and the harder I run, the more painful it becomes, and the faster the darkness approaches…

“No”

It’s coming…

“NO”

It’s hard to breathe…

“NOOOO”

I jolt from my bed, screaming aloud. 

>>>>>>>>>>>(Blah…. too much to write and edit. I’ll be fixing this later… yes I know it’s rough, but this is just copy pasta from my journal I keep in my room anyway.)