Category Archives: New Hampshire

Catching Up

This month has been filled with up’s & down’s since I became homeless, but I’m surviving.

gg

Today I finally got my ass in gear and applied to about 15 different positions that are full time and range between mental health & travel agencies, spreading between the Seacoast and Concord. At this point, I refuse to settle for less than $17 an hour with benefits, and I deserve it. Filling out the town application form for low income helped me realize I don’t want to go back. It is a requirement to be on state assistance, and I value my mental health too much to endure that level of anxiety. I recognize now it stems purely from a fear of punishment, as with most reasons I avoid conflict, but where it’s a source of major authority (aka government) I won’t risk it. I’m done.

Sy and I have adjusted, but we’re not growing comfortable to being here; where the wife has MDD and was against us moving in, I’m back to doing what I use to being at my mom’s house where I spend as much time as I can on the road, however her love of gardening seems to help her overcome her depression a fair amount, and she seems to be improving. It’s hard to tell if she’s finally adjusted, but I still feel bad for invading her home with a husband who seems to have overruled her consent for the sake of not wanting to see us homeless cause he’d feel bad. Thankfully they give us dinner and I live here rent free, but I still have a hard time saving money. I make the money stretch from paycheck to paycheck, but where so much of it is going to gas and the occasional “I’ll buy us an ice cream” or “its been a hard week, lets try to have a life and go out to dinner with Alex”, it’s enough to sustain but thats about it; thats why I need a better paying job. $900 a month is not doing it, and with my engine needing a tune-up this month at $350, my new licence at $50, registration at over $200, and inspection sticker, not to mention I need to start paying for daycare to make these jobs work, and sy’s birthday is coming up…. I still need to return the internet modem and pay off comcast… *sigh*

Friends have been difficult to maintain and connect with. I do see Alex on a weekly basis, but Destiny seems to have cracked under stress from her marriage and has filed for divorce, though we’ll see if it happens. My biggest issue was expressing that I was angry towards her husband for how he’s treated her, but then she slams it in my face that the only reason I’m allowed to trash him is because I have white privilege and don’t understand, but then the very same comments I made minutes ago expressing how I wished he could put his foot down with his family, she starts saying herself! Yes I have privilege, no I don’t 100% understand the Muslim community, but when I’m trying to be compassionate and express that I want what’s best for her and she yells at me over it in my car, you had better believe I’m done! Then she has the audacity to tell me how she’s “paying for Syrus’s college tuition” should he choose to go because that’s what she does for kids she care about, how she has over $600,000 in her trust fund alone, separate bank accounts with savings, and “dresses like a homeless person”, and here I am homeless and listening to her shit – are you fucking kidding me? You can take your college plans for my son and shove it, cause right now it’s more important that he has a roof over his head, and while you say you “look homeless”, I AM HOMELESS, and desperately trying to maintain appearances of NOT being homeless so has to keep it together. Seriously? I’m done being her drama stop only to be shit on after multiple empty promises have been made.

My cousin who I was looking after is not 10 weeks pregnant, single, and living back in Augusta with the grandparents. Since I’ve been helping her out they have apologized for their conduct towards me 3 years ago, and have realized how much of Syrus’s life they’ve missed out on. At this point, I try and drive up there twice a month and stay overnight during the weekends, and they reimburse me travel expenses. I found out my mother went to my grandmother while I wasn’t talking to her and told her I owed her “thousands of dollars”, and so to try and solve our conflict and assuming that it was my “shame” of owing her money that I stopped talking to my mother, Grandma gave her all mine and Syrus’s birthday and Christmas money we were supposed to receive during 2016, totalling a minimum of $500 my mom stole from Sy and me through my grandmother. I set the record straight and told her I left with a $200 debt, however she sold me a broken vehicle and got the money through my dad by handing her the $500 I was supposed to get that year for Christmas, so really I owed her nothing, and she owed me $300. She’s stolen at least $1000 between me AND my son! My grandmother felt bad and confronted my mother, and she lied through her teeth saying Randy bought me a vehicle I hadn’t paid for, and I have NO idea wtf she’s talking about. It’s total bullshit. The one day I ran into her, she showed up to see my cousin at the hospital and (once again) had to one up me by telling my cousin “I’m actually your best resource to talk to about pregnancy” because Ashley was seeking out my help instead. She had to compare how her pregnancy and vomiting was far worse than mine, and on and on and on. My cousin was already pissed at her for lying to my grandparents and trashing talking her, and then she starts a fight with me in the hospital trying to gaslight the fuck out of me! She told me all my memories are wrong and I don’t know how to process anything correctly because “I come from a place of old wounds” and can’t look beyond them; she told me she’s never done anything wrong to me or my brother, and everything was my dad and grandmother’s fault. I (of course) went after her because of the autism shit, and she started lying yet again. This is why I want nothing to do with her ever again. I fucking hate her and her narcissism, and I always will.

I hope my birthday money from my dad shows up soon so I can get these bills paid off and attempt to start saving. This is getting difficult, and crazy….. I gotta make sure Sy has summer care at least. I also have no alone time, so any spiritual time I had to devote to myself is gone. It’s hard to practice self-care under these conditions, and even harder if it involved money because I end up shaming myself.  -.-‘

Begging for Punishment

I’m at the edge of the precipice again… Last time I stood here I wrote that letter to Ben knowing full well the chain reaction of events would lead to a devastating level of revival towards healing, believing if I pushed past the point of transparency I’d find my way back, and I did… Now here I am again, and the clock is ticking. Just a few more days and my possessions will be in storage, I’ll have a family gym membership so I can shower, and a tent so we can sleep on the air mattress… In truth it’s all my fault, but Alex begs me to see otherwise… But it is. Once again I made the mistake of trusting people with something that could have fallen apart (and did). Instead of budgeting to live with someone, I should have moved out in February after fixing the car, but I really thought I’d be in a different position. By the same token however, I don’t want to be in a shelter. With a tent I can say I’m camping with my kiddo, and in truth it’ll end up being a spiritual journey inward wrestling with these emotions, which is probably what I need. Where the weather is warm enough, Sy too will be warm and fed and happy, and as long as he’s clean, healthy, and happy, then who cares. I just need to make sure whatever family gym I sign up for has a pool for us, and considering all the shit I’ve been getting for my weight lately, it’s not such a bad idea, though not the reason I wish to change my temple. 


To my grandmother and the asshole online who reminds me so much of Josh, fuck both of you. “Do you know how many times carol made your grandmother cry?” Why no, I don’t, because for the past 5 years she should have had enough distance between us to not talk about me on a daily basis. To put fault on me for her tears is the prevention and inability to take ownership of ones emotions, and I don’t give a shit if she comes from a different generation, I’m proud of my curves. In the right outfit I look amazing! As for the online guy who was claiming to be this amazing guy, labeling yourself as “alpha” tells me how sexism has negatively impacted who you are, and if you acknowledge I’m amazing but can’t look beyond something you’ve never seen, then maybe you’re 38 and single for a reason. That’s fine that you have your own taste in women, but I need a man to love my soul where it matters, and clearly you ain’t it. 


Crap, I meant to grab my charcoal and my sketch book… I’ve started reading the artists way, and it’s a little tough to stomach because the spiritual principles remind me of the Christian conditioning I endured, but I’m tying to stomach my way through it (when I’m not feeling dizzy from the immense eye rolling). I also got her book right to write since I am a blogger, and it seems like there’s so many ways to get published thatbitnwould be nice to get a book out there… Meh. Who knows. At this point I need to make space to write more personalized letters to the people and situations I’m wounded by to purge this emotional energy out of me and drain the dam of tears that’s pressure cooking at this point, but it’s been tough to find time and make space when alone time is being zapped away. 

Carpe Dieum 

Blending Experiences

Yesterday I did the Hecates ceremony and a tarot reading with a few simple questions with powerful results.

Before the Hecates ceremony I caught myself in a religious state I hadn’t experienced in a long time… But the emotion was strong and intense. Whenever I prayed to God as a Seventh-day Adventist Id always end up acknowledging my flaws and inadequacies before approaching the throne of the lord, since pride is not acceptable, as it was Satans downfall. Confession is a huge part of it too, and the feeling of forgiveness helped me to feel acknowledged and connected in my religious worship and prayers. 

Coming before Hecates I noticed that same process occurring…

“What if I’m not good enough? What if I’m not worthy? It needs to be perfect so which ceremony should I go for?”

That’s when I realized she’s not God, she’s a goddess, and because of what Hecates symbolizes, I can come before her strong in who I am because she’ll accept me as a woman at the very least. I’ve been on the right path for a while, and Hecates will show me the way, since that’s why I’m coming before her in the first place. I don’t need to feel pervasive insecurity in who I am before her, and as a goddess of power, she calls me to find ways to lock on to it. 


As I did the ceremony I was surprised how grounded I was, and the expansion of the heart chakra. My crown chakra is always on overdrive when I dip into a spiritual place and yawn profusely, even though I’m not tired. Certain reading material do the same, as my healing hands book from the library does. I felt more whole, centered, calm, and deeply relaxed in my practice, and it was a sensational novelty to both create and take part of. 

After a while I took a break and did my own thing for a bit… Made the psychic tea and it was pretty tasty, though I was disappointed it wasn’t spicier. It said it had peppermint and cayenne in it, but I didn’t experience much of that. 

With time nearing midnight and needing to go to bed so I can wake up in the morning, I asked The Goddess to guide my tarot reading, and the results I got were as follows:

What is one thing I can grow through for the next few weeks:

Upside down King of swords:

Represents someone who is overly regimented and militants in their routines. They’re harsh in their judgements of others, and of anyone who does not fit into their stereotypes. Could be accused of having a narrow outlook on life, without room for accepting new people, ideas, and new situations. Key factors of this card are intolerance and narrow-mindedness. 

Should I get involved in Politics?

King of Pentacles:

Successful and powerful with a great sense of responsibility towards family, friends, career, and community. Often successful because they have someone to provide for. This driving force is a motivator towards success, and achievement is measured through the security of family and views of oneself through important relationships in their life. Does not come across as overly confident. 

Should I become an energy healer (2 cards)

Heirophant: need to seek professional advice; alternatively any ritualistic service that is performed should have the appropriate spiritual leader.

Upside down Wheel of Fortune:

Although you may have had a run of bad luck in your past, things are changing and your life will soon take a turn for the better. Everything is on the way up and now it is time to enjoy the positive changes coming your direction. 

Should I consider selling adult toys through intamacy tickles, and will it be profitable? (2 cards)

10 of Wands for selling:

You have a lot of stresses, strains, and responsibilities, but you are quite capable of handling them so don’t worry too much. 

2 of Pentacles for finance:

You need to keep the balancing act up for a bit longer. Don’t make any decisions to drop any one aspect of your life just yet; you will need more information before making that choice. 

*personal reflection on the meaning and value of those answers to come later as I haven’t worked through it all yet, but I get the gist of it.

From there I called it a night and thanked the goddess for our reading and results. 


I had a dream that when I woke up from, I realized I’d ad multiple dreams like this in the past. Although it’s sexual, I’ll post it because there is something deep and profound in repetitious dreams, but I’ve never really bothered to assess one like this, as I did in the dreams where I’m drowning. The dream, though blended in details because of its repetition, follows to the best of my understanding like this:

First I’m in a house. Men keep running in, one at a time, trying to steal an object and leave; as one theif was done and leave, another one would soon enter. I’m trying to stop them in multiple ways – screaming at the top of my lungs so my brother would hear, setting up traps, chasing them, fighting them, but nothing seems to be effective. The more I fight to defend, the bigger and grander the house gets. 

The house is now a mansion, It’s “Christian” mansion from 50 shades of grey, but for some reason Christian is played by Liam Needon, so he’s a lot older than he should be but a great voice! Anyway, one loser busts in the house and I fake being injured and holding a secret blade in case he comes near, and I’m screaming until someone else hears me and arrests the guy. The last theif I fought was one I used seduction to stop him. He had tattered and dirty clothing, teeth were rotting and a few were missing, but he was younger than me by 2 years and I could tell he was looking for money for drugs. I managed to lure him to the couch and grind on top of him. I refused any real sex or oral because he stunk of sweaty balls (vomits). That’s when Liam Neeson comes down the stairs and see’s me! Finally, someone who could help me stop him. I quickly blurt out he was a theif and this was the only way to stop him until someone would help, and Liam glares and the theif. Then, for whatever reason, the words out of his mouth was that famous one liner.. I will find you, and when I do, I will get you.. Or something like that. 


I use to have sex fantasies like that all the time… me seducing men or women. Particularly its a theme of me seducing someone who has power over me to either protect myself or try and get my wants and needs met, and enjoying not only the sexual thrill, but the feeling of control, leaving them weak and helpless. My very fist sexual fantasy was something like that too… I was a government spy trying to get information out of a certain historical figure I was learning about in 4th grade. I dressed in one of those “I dream of geanie” outfits as a disguise and… Well… I got my information to say the least. 

I’m sure the meaning of these dreams is staring me dead in the face but I still need it decoded. It has to be more than just taking power away from someone. 

Blah… Long ass blog. I’m sitting at the coffee shop blogging all this. This morning I don’t know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself for handling something between me and Kylie the way I did, but she left 2 weeks worth of trash for me to take care of and out agreement was that she’d start helping with dishes. 

“Hey Kylie, what’s the situation with the dishes?”

“Umm, what do you mean? I have dishes and plastic in my room that I wash and take care of?”

“Yeah, that wasn’t our agreement. You were doing that anyway.”

“Okay, well I guess it goes back to how things were.”

“Sounds good.”

The agreement was that rather than buying plastics and stuff she’d go back to doing dishes and helping out since I’m helping her take trash to the curb because “she can’t do it by herself”, but two weeks ago she did exactly that – she took all of it out. As a result, I only took out half the trash instead of all of it since she didn’t help with any of the dishes at all, and was simply using me. 

Of course, the tarot card I pulled falls in line with this as being militant and controlling, but I have to consider my own needs. I refuse to overload myself with work, or allow myself to be taken advantage of. I know this points back to living with mom and feeling like my sense of purpose and value in the household and as a woman was trying to clean and raise her kids, and homeschool them, but healthy boundaries requires balance of what I will allow myself to take on and be responsible for. Where it’s obvious she never had any intention on helping me, and I already clean up after her when she spills something on the stove or uses the restroom, I refuse to be her thankless nanny or mother. Where she’s constantly looking to feel enabled, I won’t be doing it. Do I feel guilty for what happened? Profoundly and immensely on an unhealthy level I do – but I didn’t attack her or anything, I just asked a simple question and she had the same idea I had. Im protecting myself, and even did it in person instead of through text as she requested, despite how obviously uncomfortable it made her. I need to come to terms with my power and find the balance without shame or fear. This sucks, and I really hate it. 

*sigh* why does being me have to be so complicated. I wish someone would just give me the solution to the problem on that one – am I doing the right thing, and how do I know so I don’t have to harbor these feelings of intensity and insecurity for putting my foot down. I could attempt to take pride in myself for doing what I did, but I don’t know if I should or why, allowing Kylies problems to be her own instead of bearing the burden of interaction between us. >.>’ fucking hell. I should not be this tense and panicked before work. I need to find a way to decompress. 

The Smallest Connection

To be human is to grieve, because if we grieve we are in touch with the swelling of emotions that make us so complex, the glue that permanently connects the puzzle pieces and fragments that make us human compared to the clinical diagnosis that seeks to pull us to pieces for fragmented labels of understanding. Grief is the soul, the definition of what it means to be human. You cannot be human without grief.

Oddly enough I can create fantasies in my head that cause me to grieve over and over again (which is why I suppose dramas and chick flicks are so profitable), but joining that to the real world is so much harder.

Once again I am drawn to think of him… And I know deep down in my heart that if I reconnect with that pain and grieve the loss of him – not just who he is but on some level the fantasy I made him out to be, I can draw my defenses down just a little bit more and connect with that realm of pain that promotes love and understanding. I loved him, and I still try to swallow that pain and stuff it down which is why in a rare eternity he can pop out of the blue and I’ll still talk to him rather than reject him.

I still hope to work through the conflicts that caused all this because I acknowledge I still love him to some respect, be it the real him or something imagined I conjured up in my head like the sorceress that I am. The illusioned piece of my head says “if you talk things out you can move on without him”, and the illusioned part of my heart says “if you talk things out it’ll draw you closer together, his problem is a fear of intamacy due to an unacknowledged level of emotional childhood abuse anyway”, and the the disillusioned part of my head says “you don’t need to talk to him to move on, it’s a lie. You’ve tried it before and it never works. Lay off the Oedipus complex for a while”, and the disillusioned piece of my heart says “stop trying to rescue him or salvage the past. You’re not a hero or a savior, so stop it.” So how do I grieve without becoming obsessive then… In grief we do carry people in our hearts that we live because we loved them, and it’s okay to express that… But this? There’s something very comorbid about it because it’s codependent. In truth I made him my savior to some extent, and for that I am sorry; not only is it inappropriate and too much burden to bare at a young age, but it’s obvious to me now that he was only playing out a cycle he lived at home through me, and I inadvertently perpetuated that dysfunction, which is in part the comfort he experienced being around me.

I wish I could rewind time with the knowledge that I have now and take it all back, but that’s not moving forward.

That’s where my confusion in all this lies… I don’t know what’s healthy to grieve and hold on too, versus cast out and let go of. I was too emeshed in him, and he just… I don’t know. I placed too much on him, and for that I am truly sorry. I know I’ve come to the pice of understanding when it comes to him before, but I keep revisiting it. I was blown away last October when he told me that he felt as if I understood him better than most people, as I not only believed it to be both true and false, but also dangerous. The sad thing is I feel as if I see him now clearer than I ever was able too in the past, and I think his information seeking was clarification for information I couldn’t provide at that time…. Again, I’m not his savior and it’s not my job to rescue him… Nor does he need it. Once he’s in the right place at the right time of his journey of understanding… If it every happens… He’ll do the work necessary to heal on his own. I doubt he’d want to acknowledge that anyone would have such faith in him (especially out of my mouth), but it’s true.

Truth

It would be nice if one of these days I could look back on us and rather than chronically saying sorry I could look on everything with loving eyes and say “peace be unto you.” Why the strange sentiment I don’t know, but somehow, just to acknowledge that as I have feels so right.

The Destructive Power of Empathy: In Defense of the Narcissist

Today I was feeling well enough to head to the library, and while I was there I finally managed to pick up a book that always looked interesting, but when I skimmed through it, it seemed to bland and… doctoral. Of course, the author of the book has a Ph.D as a clinical psychologist so I shouldn’t be surprised, but today I finally gave myself a few minutes to sit down and read it. It’s called “The Power of Empathy” by Arthur P. Ciaramicoli. Inside the first chapter alone it cracked the damn of my perception on empathy, or rather, a lack their of.

Any codependent site you find will inevitably talk about the Narcissist, and how codependents and narcissists are ultimately 2 sides of the same coin – one values others above self, and the other values self above others. My perspective, as I’ve been led to believe for many years through interpersonal experiences and my own education, is that Narcissists lack empathy… perhaps however, this isn’t 100%. In this book the perspective of empathy has both a light and a shadow side. Empathy is simply placing your ear against one’s soul (self or others) and listening intently to the whispering’s that come forth. What we do with those messages once we’ve heard them is ultimately what dictates the light and shadow side of empathy.

When the Nazis attached loud sirens to their dive-bombers, they knew that this strange noise coming from the sky would create panic in people on the ground below. Using empathy – the ability to look into peoples hearts and souls, knowing their hearts and feeling their emotions – the Nazis could play on their victims fears in a calculated attempt to destroy them.” (Funny enough I always say it’s a good think Skinner was an American and not a German at this time working for Hitler. He’s research is fascinating and scary in it’s own right, as is any comprehensive form of Behaviorism.)

This really did shift my outlook on Empathy, as my own understanding was that people who behave in this fashion do so because they don’t understand empathy, lack empathy, or are incapable of it. If what the author says is true, then it’s not a lack of empathy that would dictate the Narcissist, as they are experts in manipulation and probably understand it better than anyone. No, it’s something deeper… motive and morality, possibly some biological basis behind it… of course, how they chose to harm others with their skills of empathy, though probably a faulty defense mechanism, is entirely on them. It’s doesn’t excuse what they do or why, but I will say it helps humanize them a tiny bit more.

In my own life, my tongue and my mind are a sharp whip when I’m pushed off the deep end. I’m not proud to say that if you really push me too far then I will lash out, and the closer you’ve gotten, the more it hurts when I speak, because in the heat of the moment I forget what buttons really hurt, but on the other I’m gonna push them anyway, making things more subconscious than conscious. Obviously this is a defense mechanism, and one that could be replaced with something better, but I think that in the overall scheme of things, intent and purpose are what drives the maliciousness of ones behavior. Deep inside my heart I can see that rarely have I ever said or done anything purely out of spite, and the first time I did it (the big jim comment), I knew I had gone too far before anyone said anything. I immediately felt that shame and carried it with me before anyone else had the chance to open their mouth and say anything, because I was horrified at myself in that moment.

At the very least, I now know that empathy will be one of the answers to my essay questions in my masters application paper… everything is lining up for me to succeed… if only I could get out of my own way and just do it without all this resistance.

 

Relationship with my Tarot Deck


The Answers:

1) Eight of Wands

2) Two of Wands

3) Five of Cups

Our relationship should be developed quickly, as the cards cannot be neglected (most likely due to energy work). Practicing spirituality like is will require devotion (as my 2017 spread said) and as a result, something I feel is emotionally important in my life will be sacrificed (most likely an unhealthy or distracting habit). Their may be some grief letting go of this habit, but this will be good. 

Shit

I finally sat down to start an outline for the 5 essay questions:

  1. Identify what you feel are the essential characteristics of a functional family.
  2. Describe the reasons why you are interested in becoming a marriage and family therapist.
  3. What do you think are the major challenges faced by contemporary marriage and family therapists?
  4. What are your professional goals?
  5. Identify your personal characteristics, skills, and experiences that will facilitate your success in achieving your professional goals.

1, 2, and 3 are decent enough questions…. it’s when I got to 4 and 5 that made me wonder if getting my MSW would be better in the long run. As I stated, one of the dreams I had recently talked about getting into politics and reforming the system for adults with mental disabilities, but by the same token, I’ve always wanted to be a counselor. For the first time ever I don’t know which way I should go, and in truth, I’m starting to take ownership of my apprehension for applying to a counseling program because of what happened at NEC, and for being codependent. I don’t want to be demonized again for being who I am and publicly ridiculed for it, but UNH has much more accountability with staff, and none of them were ever my mothers counselor. I’m apprehensive because all the skills and strengths I thought I had sort of vanished… and all I see are inadequacies.

I’m fearful of applying, but I’m even more afraid of staying stuck where I am in life right now, and a masters seems like the only way out, which is why I was in a rush to start my masters straight out of the flood gate from my bachelors in the first place.

Damn, I just remembered I have to followup with Nelnet about my student loans once I get my taxes done. The fact that I fell off the band wagon for taking my anti-anxiety meds doesn’t help either. That controlling edge I have because I feel edginess is returning. I didn’t want to mix them with the antibiotics and so I kept forgetting to take them… I mean I’m back into the swing of it now because I’m noticing the changes but I was okay before then. Oi…. that and finding out I wasn’t put back on the schedule this week is killing me. >.>’ We’ll see what happens.

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2016: My Best Year in Review


Don’t get me wrong, there’s a subtle level of agreement with most folks who talk about how much this year has sucked – and who could blame them? Between Carrier Fisher, Doris Roberts, David Bowie, and worst of all, Alan Rickman, a slew of people who brought some element of meaning into our lives has vanished. Me? Surprisingly this “year of death” has provided a year of meaning. Through grief work I have found greater joy and value in life, and I suppose for a woman entering her 30’s, this makes me sound like I should be 50, but it’s true. Death and life now live more harmoniously and symbolically than ever before, and I wouldn’t take back this year for anything…. well, except Donald Trump. Fuck Donald Trump.

Even though I didn’t write a letter every single day as I’d set out too at the beginning of the year, I did get about 2 months worth, plus plenty of Facebook posts and blog posts to supplement. Lets see how the timeline looks, shall we?

Towards the beginning of the year things (January, February, March) weren’t too bad. The worst of it was bills and my mother wanting to “cure my son of his autism.” Despite living in my moms house in fear specifically for the autism thing, I kept busy outside the house to balance the good and the bad. Drama with grandma from 2015 resurfaced for no reason, and it validated why I need to stay away from that side of the family. I was working at Great Bay, and was at the beach pretty often. I talk about having fun with Dawson, Colby, Trevor, Devyn, and Kylie, and road trips to Wakefield & the white mountains. My income tax return came in, I discovered my spirituality again, I applied and interviewed for community partners, talked to bill about possibly becoming a home care provider, and played love letter with my sister Cara. Gas and bills were a general problem because I needed to stay out of the house, and traveling to drop Sy off at school in Somersworth before heading to work was a pain, but I got through it.

April and May were significant turning points. I met Ben, hung out with him more, began to understand his perspective of Kylie, and that sorta opened a Pandora’s box of unlocking my own feelings towards Kylie I had been trying to suppress, weighing the value of having a friend versus being honest with myself about how disappointed I was with how she treated me from time to time. Still, we started hanging out at UNH more, and there were more opportunities to play tourist with him and show him the parts of NH he’d never seen as a Texan boy. Kylie, Ben, and I all got a place together in Newmarket, I said good-bye to my mother, and moved on in. Syrus adjusted to his new school, and we attempted to keep in touch with his old Para, Bev. Aris showed up and flashed his wedding ring at me and thought it was hilarious despite attempting to cheat on his girlfriend with me only 2 months prior too, and soon after wanted to have sy “meet his new mom”. The answer was no, and life moved on. I quit my job at Great Bay (finally) and missed  everyone dearly, but was happy to be out of the chaos that partially served me and my talents.

June & July were tough. My car broke down, fights erupted between Kylie and everyone, I was constantly getting letters from the Social Security department, and I was drowning in stress. Ben left for Texas, and my Birthday was the worst… Sy’s birthday wasn’t all that great either. Bev stopped talking to us out of what I could only assume was sorrow and disappointment for not being able to see sy on his birthday because of her own vehicle troubles, and when I tried to call and explain I was understanding and not upset, she never returned my calls. Summer was just terrible overall.

August and September were major turning points as I slipped into a trauma spell, lost my “friends”, and became suicidal… but the growth from something so hard was good. I resented the fact that I always suspected I was codependent, but was discouraged from thinking that way; when I finally stared it dead in the eyes my growth could begin. Still, had I accepted this sooner I may have been able to prevent the loss of my friends. I started working at Hannaford as a cashier, and even though it was rough adjusting to employment again and being on my feet for so long, I moved through it. By this point I no longer had food stamps or SSI, so the adjustment was scary but doable. My healing and understanding of self was making progress, but really launched itself towards the colder months


October, November, and December were filled with heavy amounts of reading, taking anti-anxiety meds for the first time, learning about grief work, powering through my past to some respect, learning and practicing self-care, discovering I’d lost 30 pounds since the beginning of the year, finding blessings in the ordinary, heavily practicing what it means to be a witch and a feminist, and really practicing boundary work. My self-esteem is still on the lower end of things, and I feel there’s some repair work to do from this year alone, but I’ll get there 1 step at a time. It’s hard to come to that place of grieving since I’m good at by-passing that through “out of sight, out of mind” methods, which isn’t health, but I’ll get better at it.


Overall this year was tough, but in a good way. At the beginning I had no idea what the year would unfold, but now I’m more comfortable about it than ever. Considering how previous years have gone, I’m glad to be where I am today. Don’t get me wrong, even as I type this my shoulders are tense, my stomach is in knots, and my core muscles are tight like I’m waiting for a punch, but my soul and the logical part of my mind is both proud and at peace for the good that outweighs the bad for 2016.

New Years was so much better than I had anticipated! After reorganizing the living room and gutting the bedroom to give me a fresher start to 2017, I finished my vision board, read the beginning of the year letters, and then Sy and I went to our first party together at Julies house next door! I brought over sparklers for the kids that I had been holding on to since the 4th of July, and made peppermint brownie ice cream from scratch! (Fuck yeah that shit was delicious). All in all it was an amazing end to the year!

Next up: My 2017 Tarot spread results and the vision board for 2017 unveil! Cheers!

Also, a major thank you to those of you who have been following my blog! This year I made it up to 85 followers, and I’m very proud of that. Thanks for motivating me to keep blogging.

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2017 & Welcoming in Change

I’m looking forward to doing my vision board on Wednesday, as it’ll give me a chance to really launch myself forward. The more I think of UNH the more I hope to get in; leaving mid-term gave me an automatic F for those classes, but I’m sure that can be explained to school letting them know that finances didn’t allow me to continue anymore. This year I’ve set myself up for success in making sure I love close by, am working part time, and bills are able to be maintained with no daycare costs at this time.


In 1 more month until my tax return, and in 2 months I should have it in my bank account with the a car on the road. I’ve been claiming 0 at hannaford so I should hopefully see $5k compared to the $4k I’d normally get. Aris had better not ask, and it shouldn’t matter since he’s married now. 

I will have my computer on Wednesday which means I can get to work on my end of year reflection blog, which should be easy enough, though time consuming. I really wanna follow through with the daily letter 2017 project, writing every day 1 thing I am greatful for. I really wanna reorganize my room too, but first I need a damn dresser 😛 not having one and using plastic totes has not been fun, but it is what it is. 

I also have a new job with my new car! ^_^ that should be amazing. I also have been meditating for 50 days straight since  I downloaded insight timer. Some days it’s harder to be present than others, but I’m going. 


I need to create space for my highest self for 2017. Fear for the future wants to overcome me, but I just can’t allow that to happen. The law of attraction has been working in simple ways lately – I’ve been able to secure rides home safely, I got a free Christmas tree from the school, as I’ve been channeling ornaments for the tree I managed to get some from the town children’s Christmas party that I stumbled across, and sy loved it! He’s been such a huge cuddle bug lately, but where he’s “developing” in certain ways, I really need to start backing away from the affection just a little bit as its starting to feel smothering, and I need to have him understand personal boundaries and respect for his autonomy. Hard to imagine he’ll be 8 in 6 months…. He’s growing like a weed. This should be an awesome Christmas for him, and I’m getting him a cool ball that you can roll around, but also makes ice cream! It’s his favorite dessert, and he should love it! It’s gonna be a basket filled with flavors for the ice cream, syrups, whipped cream and sprinkles… It’ll be the only gift I end up getting him, but for the first time I don’t want Christmas to be about gifts, but creating our joy in spending time together. I already have a playlist of videos on Netflix ready to go! I also wanna do a random acts of kindness thing again, and Pinterest has some great ideas for that. 


It’s gonna be a drag walking home in this snow today, but I’m sure some kind soul will pick me up in this weather. Hope the store is dead today with people afraid to drive, but where this is a walking community I’m not sure that’s gonna impact much. Oh! I also wanna research the traditional pagan Yule to celebrate this year, just like Samhain.

Need to go punch that clock soon… 15 more minutes. 

Normality is Strange

The past few days have been rather bland since thanksgiving, and I like it. Stranger than that is that the house feels “back to normal” in a sense. Kylie wanted to do a Sherlock marathon on Netflix, so I offered to bring my tv and stuff downstairs. About 4 hours in she calls it a night and heads to bed.

Strange that she wanted to hang out with me when I remember having a dream that morning that I was screaming at Ben for saying one thing and doing another, saying we’re just acquaintances but then getting pissed at him cause I got my new car and he wants to go for a joy ride with me, but he’s been treating me like shit for months. Kylie was present in the dream and sitting quietly at the table, and I used the example of her buying me a coffee and then not wanting to hang out at all cause she couldn’t figure it what she wanted and strung me along. In the end I know I I need to emotionally protect myself and forgive others for harming me, because getting angry over that scenario over and over again shows I’m surrendering my power, but I wish my hopes hadn’t been brought up in those moments. 

Moving on, I put out more of the gratitude bags today, but this time in the mills and to the delivery driver who delivered our food. Ben was at the house for a little bit yesterday, and he offered me his wii for free because of my splatoon game as soon as he purchases the new Wii that’s coming out. It’s a $200 machine that he’s giving me, and I’m in shock over it. He’s been incredibly nice since he’s been gone for nearly 3 weeks between his family visiting and the hospital trips and constantly working, only to see me for 20 minutes and leave again, but I’m not going to take it as a sign of friendship at this point. I need to my walls up for this one. 

I’ve started reading a book on developing ones psychic abilities, and I’m really into it. My obsession watching paranormal activity has me truly thinking that spirits exist, but I don’t see them as Angels and Demons. Once sy has gone to bed I’ll be cleansing my aura and the energy in my room… Although I could just do it for the house now. It’s been about 2 weeks since I conducted my last spell. Again, lounging around for 5 days with sy, Thanksgiving, no drama, no boredom, and no pressing emotional issues has me feeling a level of genuine homeostasis I haven’t felt in a long ass time. This may be the only time where boredom is bliss. 

I’m still not use to this time change…