Category Archives: NH

Community Status

It’s amazing to walk into work and everyone is all “Hey, Carol!” “Carol, how’s it going?” “Morning Carol! We still up for game night?” Even customers are all “how did you get into work? You need a ride home? How’s Syrus doing?”

Slowly, but surely, community is working its way into my life, and I in there’s. Supports are growing and people are starting to connect as friends and spiritualists. It’s nice being able to connect with people, and I’m hoping my love life turns around this year too. I’ve been talking to a few guys online, and one of them is into BDSM as well, which is a great chance for me to explore myself… He’s well built and lives in Hampton, so not too far away… but I’m not looking to rush into things. I still feel inadequate where I don’t have a car, but I know that has more to do with Aris implanting that insecurity more than anything. Still, stability and independence are also important. A car helps. 

It’s moments like this where I love my life, and enjoy my job. I am blessed. For now I’m gonna make a list of ways to utilize the new moon approaching, and where it’s pay day I need more coffee. My cycle is coming soon because I’m sleeping WAY more and WAY earlier than I should. Like, 5pm, up around 7 or 8 for a bit, then back to sleep till 7. I doubt it’s work that’s killing me since I’m enjoying being back in the front end. 

The Smallest Connection

To be human is to grieve, because if we grieve we are in touch with the swelling of emotions that make us so complex, the glue that permanently connects the puzzle pieces and fragments that make us human compared to the clinical diagnosis that seeks to pull us to pieces for fragmented labels of understanding. Grief is the soul, the definition of what it means to be human. You cannot be human without grief.

Oddly enough I can create fantasies in my head that cause me to grieve over and over again (which is why I suppose dramas and chick flicks are so profitable), but joining that to the real world is so much harder.

Once again I am drawn to think of him… And I know deep down in my heart that if I reconnect with that pain and grieve the loss of him – not just who he is but on some level the fantasy I made him out to be, I can draw my defenses down just a little bit more and connect with that realm of pain that promotes love and understanding. I loved him, and I still try to swallow that pain and stuff it down which is why in a rare eternity he can pop out of the blue and I’ll still talk to him rather than reject him.

I still hope to work through the conflicts that caused all this because I acknowledge I still love him to some respect, be it the real him or something imagined I conjured up in my head like the sorceress that I am. The illusioned piece of my head says “if you talk things out you can move on without him”, and the illusioned part of my heart says “if you talk things out it’ll draw you closer together, his problem is a fear of intamacy due to an unacknowledged level of emotional childhood abuse anyway”, and the the disillusioned part of my head says “you don’t need to talk to him to move on, it’s a lie. You’ve tried it before and it never works. Lay off the Oedipus complex for a while”, and the disillusioned piece of my heart says “stop trying to rescue him or salvage the past. You’re not a hero or a savior, so stop it.” So how do I grieve without becoming obsessive then… In grief we do carry people in our hearts that we live because we loved them, and it’s okay to express that… But this? There’s something very comorbid about it because it’s codependent. In truth I made him my savior to some extent, and for that I am sorry; not only is it inappropriate and too much burden to bare at a young age, but it’s obvious to me now that he was only playing out a cycle he lived at home through me, and I inadvertently perpetuated that dysfunction, which is in part the comfort he experienced being around me.

I wish I could rewind time with the knowledge that I have now and take it all back, but that’s not moving forward.

That’s where my confusion in all this lies… I don’t know what’s healthy to grieve and hold on too, versus cast out and let go of. I was too emeshed in him, and he just… I don’t know. I placed too much on him, and for that I am truly sorry. I know I’ve come to the pice of understanding when it comes to him before, but I keep revisiting it. I was blown away last October when he told me that he felt as if I understood him better than most people, as I not only believed it to be both true and false, but also dangerous. The sad thing is I feel as if I see him now clearer than I ever was able too in the past, and I think his information seeking was clarification for information I couldn’t provide at that time…. Again, I’m not his savior and it’s not my job to rescue him… Nor does he need it. Once he’s in the right place at the right time of his journey of understanding… If it every happens… He’ll do the work necessary to heal on his own. I doubt he’d want to acknowledge that anyone would have such faith in him (especially out of my mouth), but it’s true.

Truth

It would be nice if one of these days I could look back on us and rather than chronically saying sorry I could look on everything with loving eyes and say “peace be unto you.” Why the strange sentiment I don’t know, but somehow, just to acknowledge that as I have feels so right.

The Destructive Power of Empathy: In Defense of the Narcissist

Today I was feeling well enough to head to the library, and while I was there I finally managed to pick up a book that always looked interesting, but when I skimmed through it, it seemed to bland and… doctoral. Of course, the author of the book has a Ph.D as a clinical psychologist so I shouldn’t be surprised, but today I finally gave myself a few minutes to sit down and read it. It’s called “The Power of Empathy” by Arthur P. Ciaramicoli. Inside the first chapter alone it cracked the damn of my perception on empathy, or rather, a lack their of.

Any codependent site you find will inevitably talk about the Narcissist, and how codependents and narcissists are ultimately 2 sides of the same coin – one values others above self, and the other values self above others. My perspective, as I’ve been led to believe for many years through interpersonal experiences and my own education, is that Narcissists lack empathy… perhaps however, this isn’t 100%. In this book the perspective of empathy has both a light and a shadow side. Empathy is simply placing your ear against one’s soul (self or others) and listening intently to the whispering’s that come forth. What we do with those messages once we’ve heard them is ultimately what dictates the light and shadow side of empathy.

When the Nazis attached loud sirens to their dive-bombers, they knew that this strange noise coming from the sky would create panic in people on the ground below. Using empathy – the ability to look into peoples hearts and souls, knowing their hearts and feeling their emotions – the Nazis could play on their victims fears in a calculated attempt to destroy them.” (Funny enough I always say it’s a good think Skinner was an American and not a German at this time working for Hitler. He’s research is fascinating and scary in it’s own right, as is any comprehensive form of Behaviorism.)

This really did shift my outlook on Empathy, as my own understanding was that people who behave in this fashion do so because they don’t understand empathy, lack empathy, or are incapable of it. If what the author says is true, then it’s not a lack of empathy that would dictate the Narcissist, as they are experts in manipulation and probably understand it better than anyone. No, it’s something deeper… motive and morality, possibly some biological basis behind it… of course, how they chose to harm others with their skills of empathy, though probably a faulty defense mechanism, is entirely on them. It’s doesn’t excuse what they do or why, but I will say it helps humanize them a tiny bit more.

In my own life, my tongue and my mind are a sharp whip when I’m pushed off the deep end. I’m not proud to say that if you really push me too far then I will lash out, and the closer you’ve gotten, the more it hurts when I speak, because in the heat of the moment I forget what buttons really hurt, but on the other I’m gonna push them anyway, making things more subconscious than conscious. Obviously this is a defense mechanism, and one that could be replaced with something better, but I think that in the overall scheme of things, intent and purpose are what drives the maliciousness of ones behavior. Deep inside my heart I can see that rarely have I ever said or done anything purely out of spite, and the first time I did it (the big jim comment), I knew I had gone too far before anyone said anything. I immediately felt that shame and carried it with me before anyone else had the chance to open their mouth and say anything, because I was horrified at myself in that moment.

At the very least, I now know that empathy will be one of the answers to my essay questions in my masters application paper… everything is lining up for me to succeed… if only I could get out of my own way and just do it without all this resistance.

 

Emotional

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I’ve been crying my eyes out for the past 30 minutes over something completely stupid.

There’s this guy at work named Josh – 34, good looking, nerdy, sense of humor, all around great guy! He seems like he’s part of the crowd of sarcastic joke tellers who know how to throw it back, but twice now I’m made a joke that rather than throwing back, he put it down rather subtle as to suggest I did something wrong.

I shared that my son was singing some random song he was making up, and because he doesn’t understand half of what he’s saying, he randomly sang “I’m going to get head”. Shock humor, considering its my son, he’s a kid, and he doesn’t have a clue what he’s saying! Josh said something to the effect of that sounding like a good time till I reminded him my kiddo is 7, to which he said he was a 34 yo kid and I said… #manchild.

At the time I was TRULY ignorant as to what that word implies. It means immature, which I thought was what manbaby meant, but come to find out they’re interchangeable. When I said manchild I meant it as a sarcastic form of “way to get in touch with your inner child”, not meaning to label him immature. His next response was “I feel very triggered by your # and need to leave now.”

Thats when I apologized and heard nothing back….

So I sent him a message apologizing, and still nothing back.

Now I’m panicking. The guy is a department manager out back, and this week I managed to get some hours in by training in deli, which means I’d see more of him, and that would make things difficult.

Then I realize the level of sexism implied in what I said, because it downplays the value of a man who is in touch with his inner child, and I’d never want to do that. Then I feel like an asshole for betraying my core value of equality that was sacrificed for humor that wasn’t worth it.

Then I started thinking that if this comment really bothered him, he must have had a dysfunctional relationship of some kind, perhaps with an ex or a family member, or maybe he’s bipolar because it’s not often I hear the words “I feel triggered”, and on, and on, and on the narrative went. Then I was terrified he’d bring it up with the front end store manager and I’d be called into her office despite the fact that this happened outside of work because it’s made for an awkward work environment, and how that would damage my reputation at work, and holy shit did I cry for being such an asshole!

Then he finally messages me back saying “I hope you didn’t take what I said seriously.”

Then I bawl even harder because in the end I’m left to hold all this shame and guilt, and feeling like I was a terrible person. I told him straight up I was crying, because I didn’t know he was joking (based on the word “triggered” especially) and if I had actually hurt him when he’s a really good guy that would make me feel like shit, but now that I know that was the case, I could calm down… but for some reason knowing that he was joking made me feel the weight of my actions even more, and I cried even harder… and here I am unable to negate this maze of what I want to assume is self-loathing, but is actually much deeper than that. I know this is 1 part trauma and 1 part codependency on my part… I just feel like shit.I was emotionally wired and pent up anyway because I’ve not had time to myself in at least three weeks (but I’ll get tomorrow), and the fact that my portion of the rent was late never makes me feel good… it’s just shitty all the way around.

I hate feeling like this.

Relationship with my Tarot Deck


The Answers:

1) Eight of Wands

2) Two of Wands

3) Five of Cups

Our relationship should be developed quickly, as the cards cannot be neglected (most likely due to energy work). Practicing spirituality like is will require devotion (as my 2017 spread said) and as a result, something I feel is emotionally important in my life will be sacrificed (most likely an unhealthy or distracting habit). Their may be some grief letting go of this habit, but this will be good. 

2017 & Welcoming in Change

I’m looking forward to doing my vision board on Wednesday, as it’ll give me a chance to really launch myself forward. The more I think of UNH the more I hope to get in; leaving mid-term gave me an automatic F for those classes, but I’m sure that can be explained to school letting them know that finances didn’t allow me to continue anymore. This year I’ve set myself up for success in making sure I love close by, am working part time, and bills are able to be maintained with no daycare costs at this time.


In 1 more month until my tax return, and in 2 months I should have it in my bank account with the a car on the road. I’ve been claiming 0 at hannaford so I should hopefully see $5k compared to the $4k I’d normally get. Aris had better not ask, and it shouldn’t matter since he’s married now. 

I will have my computer on Wednesday which means I can get to work on my end of year reflection blog, which should be easy enough, though time consuming. I really wanna follow through with the daily letter 2017 project, writing every day 1 thing I am greatful for. I really wanna reorganize my room too, but first I need a damn dresser 😛 not having one and using plastic totes has not been fun, but it is what it is. 

I also have a new job with my new car! ^_^ that should be amazing. I also have been meditating for 50 days straight since  I downloaded insight timer. Some days it’s harder to be present than others, but I’m going. 


I need to create space for my highest self for 2017. Fear for the future wants to overcome me, but I just can’t allow that to happen. The law of attraction has been working in simple ways lately – I’ve been able to secure rides home safely, I got a free Christmas tree from the school, as I’ve been channeling ornaments for the tree I managed to get some from the town children’s Christmas party that I stumbled across, and sy loved it! He’s been such a huge cuddle bug lately, but where he’s “developing” in certain ways, I really need to start backing away from the affection just a little bit as its starting to feel smothering, and I need to have him understand personal boundaries and respect for his autonomy. Hard to imagine he’ll be 8 in 6 months…. He’s growing like a weed. This should be an awesome Christmas for him, and I’m getting him a cool ball that you can roll around, but also makes ice cream! It’s his favorite dessert, and he should love it! It’s gonna be a basket filled with flavors for the ice cream, syrups, whipped cream and sprinkles… It’ll be the only gift I end up getting him, but for the first time I don’t want Christmas to be about gifts, but creating our joy in spending time together. I already have a playlist of videos on Netflix ready to go! I also wanna do a random acts of kindness thing again, and Pinterest has some great ideas for that. 


It’s gonna be a drag walking home in this snow today, but I’m sure some kind soul will pick me up in this weather. Hope the store is dead today with people afraid to drive, but where this is a walking community I’m not sure that’s gonna impact much. Oh! I also wanna research the traditional pagan Yule to celebrate this year, just like Samhain.

Need to go punch that clock soon… 15 more minutes. 

Normality is Strange

The past few days have been rather bland since thanksgiving, and I like it. Stranger than that is that the house feels “back to normal” in a sense. Kylie wanted to do a Sherlock marathon on Netflix, so I offered to bring my tv and stuff downstairs. About 4 hours in she calls it a night and heads to bed.

Strange that she wanted to hang out with me when I remember having a dream that morning that I was screaming at Ben for saying one thing and doing another, saying we’re just acquaintances but then getting pissed at him cause I got my new car and he wants to go for a joy ride with me, but he’s been treating me like shit for months. Kylie was present in the dream and sitting quietly at the table, and I used the example of her buying me a coffee and then not wanting to hang out at all cause she couldn’t figure it what she wanted and strung me along. In the end I know I I need to emotionally protect myself and forgive others for harming me, because getting angry over that scenario over and over again shows I’m surrendering my power, but I wish my hopes hadn’t been brought up in those moments. 

Moving on, I put out more of the gratitude bags today, but this time in the mills and to the delivery driver who delivered our food. Ben was at the house for a little bit yesterday, and he offered me his wii for free because of my splatoon game as soon as he purchases the new Wii that’s coming out. It’s a $200 machine that he’s giving me, and I’m in shock over it. He’s been incredibly nice since he’s been gone for nearly 3 weeks between his family visiting and the hospital trips and constantly working, only to see me for 20 minutes and leave again, but I’m not going to take it as a sign of friendship at this point. I need to my walls up for this one. 

I’ve started reading a book on developing ones psychic abilities, and I’m really into it. My obsession watching paranormal activity has me truly thinking that spirits exist, but I don’t see them as Angels and Demons. Once sy has gone to bed I’ll be cleansing my aura and the energy in my room… Although I could just do it for the house now. It’s been about 2 weeks since I conducted my last spell. Again, lounging around for 5 days with sy, Thanksgiving, no drama, no boredom, and no pressing emotional issues has me feeling a level of genuine homeostasis I haven’t felt in a long ass time. This may be the only time where boredom is bliss. 

I’m still not use to this time change…

Happy Thanksgiving: The Day of Gratitude

OMG I overdid it this year! 😂 All this for 2 people; I should have bought a rotisserie chicken but hey, I pulled all this off for $50 and a free turkey! 


Prior too the traditional dinner festivities, I put on my gratitude event! I left the baggies scattered around town in popular places where people were sure to grab them, and surprisingly enough there were still plenty of people walking around this morning. I didn’t put them all out since I can keep this going till I run out, but almost half were distributed. 


Even better was the reaction by the police department when I dropped off their cookies and tea! Thankfully with Kerri’s donation yesterday I got to restock the honey chamomile vanilla tea and give the whole box to the PD, which was an amazing bonus. ^_^ I’ll probably be helping myself to a soothing cup of tea tonight. 


I am truly thankful, and truly blessed! Rather than being bummed out and depressed because it’s just the two of us, I was able to make an amazing day of it! ❤️ I’m also proud of the ton of effort I poured into making this day so special. I still haven’t baked the pumpkin pie yet, but at this point I’m sooooo stuffed I don’t think I need it. That sweet potato casserole was sweet enough to suffice as a dessert. 


I hope that you, my readers, have a reason to be thankful today from anywhere across the globe! Merry meet!

Thrown Out: Part 1

My son and I were just thrown out of the library. There was a public event feature some guy who professes himself to be a bit of a mind reader, and they were pretty cool tricks. My son was making little noises lying on the floor – he wasn’t loud, but when the room was silent, you could hear him. One of the women who worked there but was off the clock came up and told me to get my son under control because he’s distracting the guy, and when I explained to her he has a disability, she said “then you shouldn’t be here; you need to leave.”

This is a government building at a free public event. My son was VERY well behaved, and STILL we got thrown out! I hope the disability rights center sides with us; this feels like discrimination, and it should be. If to was private property that would be one thing, but in a government building, it’s another. We have every right to be there.