Category Archives: politics

Blending Experiences

Yesterday I did the Hecates ceremony and a tarot reading with a few simple questions with powerful results.

Before the Hecates ceremony I caught myself in a religious state I hadn’t experienced in a long time… But the emotion was strong and intense. Whenever I prayed to God as a Seventh-day Adventist Id always end up acknowledging my flaws and inadequacies before approaching the throne of the lord, since pride is not acceptable, as it was Satans downfall. Confession is a huge part of it too, and the feeling of forgiveness helped me to feel acknowledged and connected in my religious worship and prayers. 

Coming before Hecates I noticed that same process occurring…

“What if I’m not good enough? What if I’m not worthy? It needs to be perfect so which ceremony should I go for?”

That’s when I realized she’s not God, she’s a goddess, and because of what Hecates symbolizes, I can come before her strong in who I am because she’ll accept me as a woman at the very least. I’ve been on the right path for a while, and Hecates will show me the way, since that’s why I’m coming before her in the first place. I don’t need to feel pervasive insecurity in who I am before her, and as a goddess of power, she calls me to find ways to lock on to it. 


As I did the ceremony I was surprised how grounded I was, and the expansion of the heart chakra. My crown chakra is always on overdrive when I dip into a spiritual place and yawn profusely, even though I’m not tired. Certain reading material do the same, as my healing hands book from the library does. I felt more whole, centered, calm, and deeply relaxed in my practice, and it was a sensational novelty to both create and take part of. 

After a while I took a break and did my own thing for a bit… Made the psychic tea and it was pretty tasty, though I was disappointed it wasn’t spicier. It said it had peppermint and cayenne in it, but I didn’t experience much of that. 

With time nearing midnight and needing to go to bed so I can wake up in the morning, I asked The Goddess to guide my tarot reading, and the results I got were as follows:

What is one thing I can grow through for the next few weeks:

Upside down King of swords:

Represents someone who is overly regimented and militants in their routines. They’re harsh in their judgements of others, and of anyone who does not fit into their stereotypes. Could be accused of having a narrow outlook on life, without room for accepting new people, ideas, and new situations. Key factors of this card are intolerance and narrow-mindedness. 

Should I get involved in Politics?

King of Pentacles:

Successful and powerful with a great sense of responsibility towards family, friends, career, and community. Often successful because they have someone to provide for. This driving force is a motivator towards success, and achievement is measured through the security of family and views of oneself through important relationships in their life. Does not come across as overly confident. 

Should I become an energy healer (2 cards)

Heirophant: need to seek professional advice; alternatively any ritualistic service that is performed should have the appropriate spiritual leader.

Upside down Wheel of Fortune:

Although you may have had a run of bad luck in your past, things are changing and your life will soon take a turn for the better. Everything is on the way up and now it is time to enjoy the positive changes coming your direction. 

Should I consider selling adult toys through intamacy tickles, and will it be profitable? (2 cards)

10 of Wands for selling:

You have a lot of stresses, strains, and responsibilities, but you are quite capable of handling them so don’t worry too much. 

2 of Pentacles for finance:

You need to keep the balancing act up for a bit longer. Don’t make any decisions to drop any one aspect of your life just yet; you will need more information before making that choice. 

*personal reflection on the meaning and value of those answers to come later as I haven’t worked through it all yet, but I get the gist of it.

From there I called it a night and thanked the goddess for our reading and results. 


I had a dream that when I woke up from, I realized I’d ad multiple dreams like this in the past. Although it’s sexual, I’ll post it because there is something deep and profound in repetitious dreams, but I’ve never really bothered to assess one like this, as I did in the dreams where I’m drowning. The dream, though blended in details because of its repetition, follows to the best of my understanding like this:

First I’m in a house. Men keep running in, one at a time, trying to steal an object and leave; as one theif was done and leave, another one would soon enter. I’m trying to stop them in multiple ways – screaming at the top of my lungs so my brother would hear, setting up traps, chasing them, fighting them, but nothing seems to be effective. The more I fight to defend, the bigger and grander the house gets. 

The house is now a mansion, It’s “Christian” mansion from 50 shades of grey, but for some reason Christian is played by Liam Needon, so he’s a lot older than he should be but a great voice! Anyway, one loser busts in the house and I fake being injured and holding a secret blade in case he comes near, and I’m screaming until someone else hears me and arrests the guy. The last theif I fought was one I used seduction to stop him. He had tattered and dirty clothing, teeth were rotting and a few were missing, but he was younger than me by 2 years and I could tell he was looking for money for drugs. I managed to lure him to the couch and grind on top of him. I refused any real sex or oral because he stunk of sweaty balls (vomits). That’s when Liam Neeson comes down the stairs and see’s me! Finally, someone who could help me stop him. I quickly blurt out he was a theif and this was the only way to stop him until someone would help, and Liam glares and the theif. Then, for whatever reason, the words out of his mouth was that famous one liner.. I will find you, and when I do, I will get you.. Or something like that. 


I use to have sex fantasies like that all the time… me seducing men or women. Particularly its a theme of me seducing someone who has power over me to either protect myself or try and get my wants and needs met, and enjoying not only the sexual thrill, but the feeling of control, leaving them weak and helpless. My very fist sexual fantasy was something like that too… I was a government spy trying to get information out of a certain historical figure I was learning about in 4th grade. I dressed in one of those “I dream of geanie” outfits as a disguise and… Well… I got my information to say the least. 

I’m sure the meaning of these dreams is staring me dead in the face but I still need it decoded. It has to be more than just taking power away from someone. 

Blah… Long ass blog. I’m sitting at the coffee shop blogging all this. This morning I don’t know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself for handling something between me and Kylie the way I did, but she left 2 weeks worth of trash for me to take care of and out agreement was that she’d start helping with dishes. 

“Hey Kylie, what’s the situation with the dishes?”

“Umm, what do you mean? I have dishes and plastic in my room that I wash and take care of?”

“Yeah, that wasn’t our agreement. You were doing that anyway.”

“Okay, well I guess it goes back to how things were.”

“Sounds good.”

The agreement was that rather than buying plastics and stuff she’d go back to doing dishes and helping out since I’m helping her take trash to the curb because “she can’t do it by herself”, but two weeks ago she did exactly that – she took all of it out. As a result, I only took out half the trash instead of all of it since she didn’t help with any of the dishes at all, and was simply using me. 

Of course, the tarot card I pulled falls in line with this as being militant and controlling, but I have to consider my own needs. I refuse to overload myself with work, or allow myself to be taken advantage of. I know this points back to living with mom and feeling like my sense of purpose and value in the household and as a woman was trying to clean and raise her kids, and homeschool them, but healthy boundaries requires balance of what I will allow myself to take on and be responsible for. Where it’s obvious she never had any intention on helping me, and I already clean up after her when she spills something on the stove or uses the restroom, I refuse to be her thankless nanny or mother. Where she’s constantly looking to feel enabled, I won’t be doing it. Do I feel guilty for what happened? Profoundly and immensely on an unhealthy level I do – but I didn’t attack her or anything, I just asked a simple question and she had the same idea I had. Im protecting myself, and even did it in person instead of through text as she requested, despite how obviously uncomfortable it made her. I need to come to terms with my power and find the balance without shame or fear. This sucks, and I really hate it. 

*sigh* why does being me have to be so complicated. I wish someone would just give me the solution to the problem on that one – am I doing the right thing, and how do I know so I don’t have to harbor these feelings of intensity and insecurity for putting my foot down. I could attempt to take pride in myself for doing what I did, but I don’t know if I should or why, allowing Kylies problems to be her own instead of bearing the burden of interaction between us. >.>’ fucking hell. I should not be this tense and panicked before work. I need to find a way to decompress. 

Shit

I finally sat down to start an outline for the 5 essay questions:

  1. Identify what you feel are the essential characteristics of a functional family.
  2. Describe the reasons why you are interested in becoming a marriage and family therapist.
  3. What do you think are the major challenges faced by contemporary marriage and family therapists?
  4. What are your professional goals?
  5. Identify your personal characteristics, skills, and experiences that will facilitate your success in achieving your professional goals.

1, 2, and 3 are decent enough questions…. it’s when I got to 4 and 5 that made me wonder if getting my MSW would be better in the long run. As I stated, one of the dreams I had recently talked about getting into politics and reforming the system for adults with mental disabilities, but by the same token, I’ve always wanted to be a counselor. For the first time ever I don’t know which way I should go, and in truth, I’m starting to take ownership of my apprehension for applying to a counseling program because of what happened at NEC, and for being codependent. I don’t want to be demonized again for being who I am and publicly ridiculed for it, but UNH has much more accountability with staff, and none of them were ever my mothers counselor. I’m apprehensive because all the skills and strengths I thought I had sort of vanished… and all I see are inadequacies.

I’m fearful of applying, but I’m even more afraid of staying stuck where I am in life right now, and a masters seems like the only way out, which is why I was in a rush to start my masters straight out of the flood gate from my bachelors in the first place.

Damn, I just remembered I have to followup with Nelnet about my student loans once I get my taxes done. The fact that I fell off the band wagon for taking my anti-anxiety meds doesn’t help either. That controlling edge I have because I feel edginess is returning. I didn’t want to mix them with the antibiotics and so I kept forgetting to take them… I mean I’m back into the swing of it now because I’m noticing the changes but I was okay before then. Oi…. that and finding out I wasn’t put back on the schedule this week is killing me. >.>’ We’ll see what happens.

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2016: My Best Year in Review


Don’t get me wrong, there’s a subtle level of agreement with most folks who talk about how much this year has sucked – and who could blame them? Between Carrier Fisher, Doris Roberts, David Bowie, and worst of all, Alan Rickman, a slew of people who brought some element of meaning into our lives has vanished. Me? Surprisingly this “year of death” has provided a year of meaning. Through grief work I have found greater joy and value in life, and I suppose for a woman entering her 30’s, this makes me sound like I should be 50, but it’s true. Death and life now live more harmoniously and symbolically than ever before, and I wouldn’t take back this year for anything…. well, except Donald Trump. Fuck Donald Trump.

Even though I didn’t write a letter every single day as I’d set out too at the beginning of the year, I did get about 2 months worth, plus plenty of Facebook posts and blog posts to supplement. Lets see how the timeline looks, shall we?

Towards the beginning of the year things (January, February, March) weren’t too bad. The worst of it was bills and my mother wanting to “cure my son of his autism.” Despite living in my moms house in fear specifically for the autism thing, I kept busy outside the house to balance the good and the bad. Drama with grandma from 2015 resurfaced for no reason, and it validated why I need to stay away from that side of the family. I was working at Great Bay, and was at the beach pretty often. I talk about having fun with Dawson, Colby, Trevor, Devyn, and Kylie, and road trips to Wakefield & the white mountains. My income tax return came in, I discovered my spirituality again, I applied and interviewed for community partners, talked to bill about possibly becoming a home care provider, and played love letter with my sister Cara. Gas and bills were a general problem because I needed to stay out of the house, and traveling to drop Sy off at school in Somersworth before heading to work was a pain, but I got through it.

April and May were significant turning points. I met Ben, hung out with him more, began to understand his perspective of Kylie, and that sorta opened a Pandora’s box of unlocking my own feelings towards Kylie I had been trying to suppress, weighing the value of having a friend versus being honest with myself about how disappointed I was with how she treated me from time to time. Still, we started hanging out at UNH more, and there were more opportunities to play tourist with him and show him the parts of NH he’d never seen as a Texan boy. Kylie, Ben, and I all got a place together in Newmarket, I said good-bye to my mother, and moved on in. Syrus adjusted to his new school, and we attempted to keep in touch with his old Para, Bev. Aris showed up and flashed his wedding ring at me and thought it was hilarious despite attempting to cheat on his girlfriend with me only 2 months prior too, and soon after wanted to have sy “meet his new mom”. The answer was no, and life moved on. I quit my job at Great Bay (finally) and missed  everyone dearly, but was happy to be out of the chaos that partially served me and my talents.

June & July were tough. My car broke down, fights erupted between Kylie and everyone, I was constantly getting letters from the Social Security department, and I was drowning in stress. Ben left for Texas, and my Birthday was the worst… Sy’s birthday wasn’t all that great either. Bev stopped talking to us out of what I could only assume was sorrow and disappointment for not being able to see sy on his birthday because of her own vehicle troubles, and when I tried to call and explain I was understanding and not upset, she never returned my calls. Summer was just terrible overall.

August and September were major turning points as I slipped into a trauma spell, lost my “friends”, and became suicidal… but the growth from something so hard was good. I resented the fact that I always suspected I was codependent, but was discouraged from thinking that way; when I finally stared it dead in the eyes my growth could begin. Still, had I accepted this sooner I may have been able to prevent the loss of my friends. I started working at Hannaford as a cashier, and even though it was rough adjusting to employment again and being on my feet for so long, I moved through it. By this point I no longer had food stamps or SSI, so the adjustment was scary but doable. My healing and understanding of self was making progress, but really launched itself towards the colder months


October, November, and December were filled with heavy amounts of reading, taking anti-anxiety meds for the first time, learning about grief work, powering through my past to some respect, learning and practicing self-care, discovering I’d lost 30 pounds since the beginning of the year, finding blessings in the ordinary, heavily practicing what it means to be a witch and a feminist, and really practicing boundary work. My self-esteem is still on the lower end of things, and I feel there’s some repair work to do from this year alone, but I’ll get there 1 step at a time. It’s hard to come to that place of grieving since I’m good at by-passing that through “out of sight, out of mind” methods, which isn’t health, but I’ll get better at it.


Overall this year was tough, but in a good way. At the beginning I had no idea what the year would unfold, but now I’m more comfortable about it than ever. Considering how previous years have gone, I’m glad to be where I am today. Don’t get me wrong, even as I type this my shoulders are tense, my stomach is in knots, and my core muscles are tight like I’m waiting for a punch, but my soul and the logical part of my mind is both proud and at peace for the good that outweighs the bad for 2016.

New Years was so much better than I had anticipated! After reorganizing the living room and gutting the bedroom to give me a fresher start to 2017, I finished my vision board, read the beginning of the year letters, and then Sy and I went to our first party together at Julies house next door! I brought over sparklers for the kids that I had been holding on to since the 4th of July, and made peppermint brownie ice cream from scratch! (Fuck yeah that shit was delicious). All in all it was an amazing end to the year!

Next up: My 2017 Tarot spread results and the vision board for 2017 unveil! Cheers!

Also, a major thank you to those of you who have been following my blog! This year I made it up to 85 followers, and I’m very proud of that. Thanks for motivating me to keep blogging.

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Thrown Out: Part 1

My son and I were just thrown out of the library. There was a public event feature some guy who professes himself to be a bit of a mind reader, and they were pretty cool tricks. My son was making little noises lying on the floor – he wasn’t loud, but when the room was silent, you could hear him. One of the women who worked there but was off the clock came up and told me to get my son under control because he’s distracting the guy, and when I explained to her he has a disability, she said “then you shouldn’t be here; you need to leave.”

This is a government building at a free public event. My son was VERY well behaved, and STILL we got thrown out! I hope the disability rights center sides with us; this feels like discrimination, and it should be. If to was private property that would be one thing, but in a government building, it’s another. We have every right to be there. 

#Bernie2020 and The Demise of America

This is a dark day… The fact of the matter is I will not “unite” as part of a deeply broken nation when there is no reason to do so. If you are not white, meninist, straight, able-bodied, neuro-typical, Christian, and male, you most likely have your rights at stake; everyone who says otherwise is only kidding themselves. Trump is a rapist and racist, and Pence openly supports gay conversion therapy. Even Trumps wife was all “I’m gonna stop online bullying”… Really? So do you intend to take away freedom of speech too? Your husband had to look at your ballot like a cheating school boy who didn’t know the answers to his math test just to make sure he could trust you, so who’s the real bully here? I will never unite behind your president, because you didn’t have to get behind mine just because he’s black. I’m terrified for the ones I care about, because the ones I care about ALL have something at stake.

I wear my Bernie button today as a sign of mourning. The DNC and people who supported Bernie and chose not to vote are the 2 biggest factors behind this. 


I truly just DONT understand… Remember when Britain got into a political debate to BAN Trump from their country out of fear of this man, and we still had at least 5 other republican candidates? How does that affect our ability to work with foreign negotiations? Remember how Bernie was invited to speak with the pope! A presidential hopeful was praised before he was ever handed his pink slip; he even won the people’s choice for time magazine. Bernie polled over trump in the primaries but super delegates fucked the people over, and now here in NH republicans took the lead, screwing us over as a state… What the fuck… I just can’t wrap my head around this… I’m glad we no longer have senator shaheen but come on! We have a rapist as a president and a Vice President who openly supports gay conversion therapy… Are gays going to be forced out of the military again? We still have a Supreme Court justice that needs to be elected since Scalias death! What the hell! 😢💔💀 

I am angry, fearful, and heartbroken. People who voted for trump are the reason we are not great as a nation, and have reason to live in fear. Hopefully come midterm elections Trump will have screwed up so badly people will pull their head out of their asses and give democrats control over house and senate again. 

PS: there’s no way in hell anyone can blame third party voters – Jill Stien only got .6% of the vote, so at this point it falls on the DNC for fraudulent activity against Bernie and PEOPLE WHO DIDNT SHOW UP TO VOTE!!!! #Bernie2020