Category Archives: Recovery

Emotional

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I’ve been crying my eyes out for the past 30 minutes over something completely stupid.

There’s this guy at work named Josh – 34, good looking, nerdy, sense of humor, all around great guy! He seems like he’s part of the crowd of sarcastic joke tellers who know how to throw it back, but twice now I’m made a joke that rather than throwing back, he put it down rather subtle as to suggest I did something wrong.

I shared that my son was singing some random song he was making up, and because he doesn’t understand half of what he’s saying, he randomly sang “I’m going to get head”. Shock humor, considering its my son, he’s a kid, and he doesn’t have a clue what he’s saying! Josh said something to the effect of that sounding like a good time till I reminded him my kiddo is 7, to which he said he was a 34 yo kid and I said… #manchild.

At the time I was TRULY ignorant as to what that word implies. It means immature, which I thought was what manbaby meant, but come to find out they’re interchangeable. When I said manchild I meant it as a sarcastic form of “way to get in touch with your inner child”, not meaning to label him immature. His next response was “I feel very triggered by your # and need to leave now.”

Thats when I apologized and heard nothing back….

So I sent him a message apologizing, and still nothing back.

Now I’m panicking. The guy is a department manager out back, and this week I managed to get some hours in by training in deli, which means I’d see more of him, and that would make things difficult.

Then I realize the level of sexism implied in what I said, because it downplays the value of a man who is in touch with his inner child, and I’d never want to do that. Then I feel like an asshole for betraying my core value of equality that was sacrificed for humor that wasn’t worth it.

Then I started thinking that if this comment really bothered him, he must have had a dysfunctional relationship of some kind, perhaps with an ex or a family member, or maybe he’s bipolar because it’s not often I hear the words “I feel triggered”, and on, and on, and on the narrative went. Then I was terrified he’d bring it up with the front end store manager and I’d be called into her office despite the fact that this happened outside of work because it’s made for an awkward work environment, and how that would damage my reputation at work, and holy shit did I cry for being such an asshole!

Then he finally messages me back saying “I hope you didn’t take what I said seriously.”

Then I bawl even harder because in the end I’m left to hold all this shame and guilt, and feeling like I was a terrible person. I told him straight up I was crying, because I didn’t know he was joking (based on the word “triggered” especially) and if I had actually hurt him when he’s a really good guy that would make me feel like shit, but now that I know that was the case, I could calm down… but for some reason knowing that he was joking made me feel the weight of my actions even more, and I cried even harder… and here I am unable to negate this maze of what I want to assume is self-loathing, but is actually much deeper than that. I know this is 1 part trauma and 1 part codependency on my part… I just feel like shit.I was emotionally wired and pent up anyway because I’ve not had time to myself in at least three weeks (but I’ll get tomorrow), and the fact that my portion of the rent was late never makes me feel good… it’s just shitty all the way around.

I hate feeling like this.

My 2017 Tarot Spread

I did my first ever Tarot reading today, and it was amazing! I asked what the year had in store for me based on the areas the spread provides, and after a good deal of time spent reading the meaning of the cards and interpreting them, this was what I had.

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Aries: Persona – The Moon

“Someone or something is not as it seems. There is a risk here that you are being lied too. Take another look at the situation and ask more questions.”

At first I was confused… “How does this relate to persona?” Then it hit me like a lightning bolt. With my self-esteem issues, people who are closest to me do the most amount of damage when there is a problem. The balance of power in myself is off, and I believe what this is really calling for is boundary work for 2017. Because this is the first card I read, and the last one I was able to interpret, it made a lot of sense, especially as the cards continued to unfold.

Taurus: Creature Comforts – The World

“Great success in all areas of life. Total success and contentment are available to you now.”

In this case I looked at creature comforts as another way of saying “self-care”; in other words, as long as I’m working on myself and accepting why its okay to indulge, spoil, and take care of me, this will increase my chances of success in all areas of my life.

Gemini: Social Life – Page of Pentacles

“News or information about security is coming my way.This may be winning money, a birthday gift, or a small inheritance. It may be getting a new job or getting a pay raise.”

Where I’ll be getting a vehicle soon I had planned on getting a new job, and with that it should expand my social circle, as well increase my income. In conjunction with my career card, I see it making the most amount of sense.

Cancer: Home Life – The Hanged Man

“The Hanged Man is about letting go & surrendering to experience and emotional release. Things may be in a rut or not going as you’d hoped, but accept what it is, and giving up control. The Hanged man calls you to reverse your view of the world and see something in a new way; a shifting state of mind.”

Considering everything that went down last year this is an especially powerful card that’s self-explanatory.

Leo: Creativity – The Ace of Swords

“Victory and triumph will come with hard work. Working alone will give you the satisfaction of reward for your efforts.”

Maybe this year I can perfect some of my music or artistic skills into my self-care needs.

Virgo: Health – Hierophant

I found the answer to what this card means to be pretty hilarious in a way, simply because of it’s literal meaning and… well… simplicity!

“This card shows the need to seek out professional advice from doctors, lawyers, and financial advisers. Alternatively, any ritualistic service that is performed under the eyes and jurisdiction of the Church, such as marriage, christenings, or divorce.”

In other word, so be afraid to seek out help this year with regards to any element of my health. Words of wisdom.

Libra: Love Life – Eight of Swords

“There are restrictions in your ability to get on with life freely. This could include a possessive partner, growing up with parents who have a severely strict outlook on life, or being restricted through disability, culture, pregnancy, or faith.”

The art work on the card and the way the artist also presents it in the Shadowscapes deck, she adds her own personal interpretation in conjunction with the traditional meanings that are provided. The picture is of a swan tangled in blackberry hedges. She says “It is easy to freeze up in a crisis – to feel restricted, confused, powerless, and trapped by circumstance – but there is always a way out if you take a moment to breathe and reassess.”

Surprisingly both my horoscope and this are predicting love may be on the horizon for 2017. I take this card and the Moon Card as a cautionary tale of how I may need to handle myself in such a case.

Scorpio: Transformation – Knight of Pentacles

“Determined to get ahead with ambitions in life, the Knight of Pentacles plans things strategically, knowing how to charge forward and climb the ladders of success. He’s focused and proceeds to continue his steps towards his goals.”

With my nasty habit of procrastination I may need to work on it, since success is laid out before me this year!

Sagittarius: Spiritual Life – Five of Wands

“Communication will be key as disagreements can be a source of learning and growth.”

At first I took this to mean my pagan practices as a witch and the message boards and FB groups I’m in, but then I removed the religious “literalism” (for lack of a better term) from the word Spiritual and expanded it. This goes hand in hand with my health card and a few others, and is expanding into personal growth on all levels of my soul. If it’s one thing I can’t handle it’s disagreements on things I’m passionate about, and will often just block people left and right despite how long I may have known them or their connection with me on Facebook. This is something I’ll have to work on.

Capricorn: Career – Three of Wands

“Pursue new interests or directions in your career. A new path is opening up, and going down this road will bring you good things.This includes higher education, hobbies, or new research.”

Ironic that I’m applying to finish my masters and I get this. Not sure if new direction implies directing away from Hannaford or switching it up to Social Work. I guess I’ll figure it out as I go.

Aquarius: Community – Six of Wands

“You will receive public recognition and admiration from a job well done. Friends and peers will give you support. Enjoy the satisfaction.”

Thats…  pretty incredible! My vision board in dead center has a group of people holding hands toward the sun against the ocean, and I took that to symbolize community. I also recently had a dream too where I was asked by someone at Great Bay Services “What are your long-term goals with this line of work”, and I told them “Something into politics. I wanna reform the system and give these people the help they deserve.” Again, this says social work to me. Doing those random acts of kindness for November and December really made me feel good, and was similar to volunteering to me. I also wanna do something with the SPCA. If I can’t have a cat, then I’ll find another way to take care of them XD.

Pisces: Secrets – Two of Cups & Reverse Two of Cups

Now, the artist of this deck had zero intentions of her cards being interpreted upside down, and as a result, she didn’t provide them. Using my other tarot guide that outlines standard meaning and spreads, it included it. When I had this card in my hand I also had 1 more, and I was feeling out the energies of them (face down) to determine which card should be used. I have no idea how it turned out upside down, but when I flipped it over the same way I did all the others, there it was. I personally don’t think Tarot cards should be read upside down, but the meaning was rather… ironic. The standard Two of Cups is as follows…

“This card shows the forming of an important relationship, built on common interests, friendship, and a higher understanding of adult love and companionship. This connection spans the march of time and develops within you.”

The reverse has this to say…

“This card shows that there is a petty argument that needs to be gotten over. Reconciliation needs to occur.”

There’s a part of me that see the reverse interpretation and thinks about my roommates, but by the same token those were not petty. In addition this card is often reflective of lovers. With love on the horizon for me, this may also go back to my communication/swords card.

Overall I have to say I am blown away by the results of this tarot spread. I wasn’t sure what to expect, and I honestly had my doubts about it’s authenticity, but I opened myself to the experience and was amazed at what I saw and the level of authenticity that applies. I’ve been working at recording, translating, and understanding the results for about half of the day on and off, and I’m hopeful to see what the year will unfold for me. ❤

My vision board explanation will have to wait until tomorrow; I’m wiped. For now it’s pizza, relaxation, and snuggle time with the kiddo.

2016: My Best Year in Review


Don’t get me wrong, there’s a subtle level of agreement with most folks who talk about how much this year has sucked – and who could blame them? Between Carrier Fisher, Doris Roberts, David Bowie, and worst of all, Alan Rickman, a slew of people who brought some element of meaning into our lives has vanished. Me? Surprisingly this “year of death” has provided a year of meaning. Through grief work I have found greater joy and value in life, and I suppose for a woman entering her 30’s, this makes me sound like I should be 50, but it’s true. Death and life now live more harmoniously and symbolically than ever before, and I wouldn’t take back this year for anything…. well, except Donald Trump. Fuck Donald Trump.

Even though I didn’t write a letter every single day as I’d set out too at the beginning of the year, I did get about 2 months worth, plus plenty of Facebook posts and blog posts to supplement. Lets see how the timeline looks, shall we?

Towards the beginning of the year things (January, February, March) weren’t too bad. The worst of it was bills and my mother wanting to “cure my son of his autism.” Despite living in my moms house in fear specifically for the autism thing, I kept busy outside the house to balance the good and the bad. Drama with grandma from 2015 resurfaced for no reason, and it validated why I need to stay away from that side of the family. I was working at Great Bay, and was at the beach pretty often. I talk about having fun with Dawson, Colby, Trevor, Devyn, and Kylie, and road trips to Wakefield & the white mountains. My income tax return came in, I discovered my spirituality again, I applied and interviewed for community partners, talked to bill about possibly becoming a home care provider, and played love letter with my sister Cara. Gas and bills were a general problem because I needed to stay out of the house, and traveling to drop Sy off at school in Somersworth before heading to work was a pain, but I got through it.

April and May were significant turning points. I met Ben, hung out with him more, began to understand his perspective of Kylie, and that sorta opened a Pandora’s box of unlocking my own feelings towards Kylie I had been trying to suppress, weighing the value of having a friend versus being honest with myself about how disappointed I was with how she treated me from time to time. Still, we started hanging out at UNH more, and there were more opportunities to play tourist with him and show him the parts of NH he’d never seen as a Texan boy. Kylie, Ben, and I all got a place together in Newmarket, I said good-bye to my mother, and moved on in. Syrus adjusted to his new school, and we attempted to keep in touch with his old Para, Bev. Aris showed up and flashed his wedding ring at me and thought it was hilarious despite attempting to cheat on his girlfriend with me only 2 months prior too, and soon after wanted to have sy “meet his new mom”. The answer was no, and life moved on. I quit my job at Great Bay (finally) and missed  everyone dearly, but was happy to be out of the chaos that partially served me and my talents.

June & July were tough. My car broke down, fights erupted between Kylie and everyone, I was constantly getting letters from the Social Security department, and I was drowning in stress. Ben left for Texas, and my Birthday was the worst… Sy’s birthday wasn’t all that great either. Bev stopped talking to us out of what I could only assume was sorrow and disappointment for not being able to see sy on his birthday because of her own vehicle troubles, and when I tried to call and explain I was understanding and not upset, she never returned my calls. Summer was just terrible overall.

August and September were major turning points as I slipped into a trauma spell, lost my “friends”, and became suicidal… but the growth from something so hard was good. I resented the fact that I always suspected I was codependent, but was discouraged from thinking that way; when I finally stared it dead in the eyes my growth could begin. Still, had I accepted this sooner I may have been able to prevent the loss of my friends. I started working at Hannaford as a cashier, and even though it was rough adjusting to employment again and being on my feet for so long, I moved through it. By this point I no longer had food stamps or SSI, so the adjustment was scary but doable. My healing and understanding of self was making progress, but really launched itself towards the colder months


October, November, and December were filled with heavy amounts of reading, taking anti-anxiety meds for the first time, learning about grief work, powering through my past to some respect, learning and practicing self-care, discovering I’d lost 30 pounds since the beginning of the year, finding blessings in the ordinary, heavily practicing what it means to be a witch and a feminist, and really practicing boundary work. My self-esteem is still on the lower end of things, and I feel there’s some repair work to do from this year alone, but I’ll get there 1 step at a time. It’s hard to come to that place of grieving since I’m good at by-passing that through “out of sight, out of mind” methods, which isn’t health, but I’ll get better at it.


Overall this year was tough, but in a good way. At the beginning I had no idea what the year would unfold, but now I’m more comfortable about it than ever. Considering how previous years have gone, I’m glad to be where I am today. Don’t get me wrong, even as I type this my shoulders are tense, my stomach is in knots, and my core muscles are tight like I’m waiting for a punch, but my soul and the logical part of my mind is both proud and at peace for the good that outweighs the bad for 2016.

New Years was so much better than I had anticipated! After reorganizing the living room and gutting the bedroom to give me a fresher start to 2017, I finished my vision board, read the beginning of the year letters, and then Sy and I went to our first party together at Julies house next door! I brought over sparklers for the kids that I had been holding on to since the 4th of July, and made peppermint brownie ice cream from scratch! (Fuck yeah that shit was delicious). All in all it was an amazing end to the year!

Next up: My 2017 Tarot spread results and the vision board for 2017 unveil! Cheers!

Also, a major thank you to those of you who have been following my blog! This year I made it up to 85 followers, and I’m very proud of that. Thanks for motivating me to keep blogging.

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The Color Red

I wonder if by free association there’s something about the color red that bothers me… I’ve been trying to do a chakra meditation and when I visualize red I have a hard time with it. My mind try’s to force it or it wanders and I always end up mad at Ben over the fight with Kylie. I just have a hard time connecting with that color… I think of red and I think it impulsivity, hatred, blood, Mars… I mean I try to think of roses and red dresses and lipstick too but it’s not very effective. 

Then I remembered the balloon meditation for chakra release – a bloom in your hand if each color, and starting with red you let go of each balloon one by one. Surprisingly this worked okay… Till I got to yellow… I let the balloon go and it kind of sank, so I tried it again and forced myself to see it go up, but then I felt it’s sort of… weight. It’s as if it couldn’t go up and I couldn’t force it too. Strange. I wonder what it could mean. 

2017 & Welcoming in Change

I’m looking forward to doing my vision board on Wednesday, as it’ll give me a chance to really launch myself forward. The more I think of UNH the more I hope to get in; leaving mid-term gave me an automatic F for those classes, but I’m sure that can be explained to school letting them know that finances didn’t allow me to continue anymore. This year I’ve set myself up for success in making sure I love close by, am working part time, and bills are able to be maintained with no daycare costs at this time.


In 1 more month until my tax return, and in 2 months I should have it in my bank account with the a car on the road. I’ve been claiming 0 at hannaford so I should hopefully see $5k compared to the $4k I’d normally get. Aris had better not ask, and it shouldn’t matter since he’s married now. 

I will have my computer on Wednesday which means I can get to work on my end of year reflection blog, which should be easy enough, though time consuming. I really wanna follow through with the daily letter 2017 project, writing every day 1 thing I am greatful for. I really wanna reorganize my room too, but first I need a damn dresser 😛 not having one and using plastic totes has not been fun, but it is what it is. 

I also have a new job with my new car! ^_^ that should be amazing. I also have been meditating for 50 days straight since  I downloaded insight timer. Some days it’s harder to be present than others, but I’m going. 


I need to create space for my highest self for 2017. Fear for the future wants to overcome me, but I just can’t allow that to happen. The law of attraction has been working in simple ways lately – I’ve been able to secure rides home safely, I got a free Christmas tree from the school, as I’ve been channeling ornaments for the tree I managed to get some from the town children’s Christmas party that I stumbled across, and sy loved it! He’s been such a huge cuddle bug lately, but where he’s “developing” in certain ways, I really need to start backing away from the affection just a little bit as its starting to feel smothering, and I need to have him understand personal boundaries and respect for his autonomy. Hard to imagine he’ll be 8 in 6 months…. He’s growing like a weed. This should be an awesome Christmas for him, and I’m getting him a cool ball that you can roll around, but also makes ice cream! It’s his favorite dessert, and he should love it! It’s gonna be a basket filled with flavors for the ice cream, syrups, whipped cream and sprinkles… It’ll be the only gift I end up getting him, but for the first time I don’t want Christmas to be about gifts, but creating our joy in spending time together. I already have a playlist of videos on Netflix ready to go! I also wanna do a random acts of kindness thing again, and Pinterest has some great ideas for that. 


It’s gonna be a drag walking home in this snow today, but I’m sure some kind soul will pick me up in this weather. Hope the store is dead today with people afraid to drive, but where this is a walking community I’m not sure that’s gonna impact much. Oh! I also wanna research the traditional pagan Yule to celebrate this year, just like Samhain.

Need to go punch that clock soon… 15 more minutes. 

Family Drama and the Best Man

Im in Boston or some other huge city trying to avoid my grandparents, Angie, Ashley, and Danny; I have no prob running into Ryan. I seem to recall being in a mall at first, but then it transitions into the city. Architecture and landscaping looks familiar only to me because I’ve been here before in my dreams, but it doesn’t exist in real life. It’s always when I run away from people or am trying to catch up too then I end up here. I remember giving Ryan a hug in the mall and trying to catch up to him while Angie and grandma are combative and present a faux grandur in their confrontation towards me. Ashley and grandpa are paired up together as information exploiters and drama creators; I hold my head high around them with my own air of pride and conceit, but it’s the defense I use so they can’t get me down. 
At some point the dream transitions and I end up being a backseat observer, following the events that unfold before me with no real attachment to the storyline, much like an extra cast in a movie to walk down the street. I remember this guy named Christian watching me dance at the mall (now watch me whip, now watch me nae nae), and he invites me to this wedding as part of a dance party. I love weddings, so sure, I follow him…it turns out Christian was the best man and had to give a speech, but once we’re at the wedding everyone begins to wonder where the bride is. Someone finally receives a text, and the bride decided she’s not showing up. She fled the country and she’s not coming back. The husband, fearing how this not only reflects on him, but worried about the guests who’d all showed up at their own expense for this moment, decided that it is a party and should remain that way, but before people start to enjoy themselves, the best man must now give an impromptu speech at the grooms request in light of circumstances, in order to comfort people and talk about how amazing groom is. It turns out Christian is terrified of public speeches with major anxiety, and now that the events have changed, he has no speech to read off, and he’s in the spot light. He couldn’t get beyond 2 words before choking over himself..

“Uh… I..”

I could hear his thoughts. Christian wanted to say he thought the groom was amazing, but couldn’t. He didn’t know where to start, he didn’t know how to begin it. I’m in the audience hearing his thoughts, hearing what he cannot say, when suddenly something goes horribly wrong. No longer is he figuritey choking on his own words, he’s now doing it in real life. He turns a deep blood red color, collapses on stage, and dies in front of everyone to the horror of the groom. We find out later Christian died from a drug overdose combined with the single glass of alcohol he had consumed at the wedding. It was purely by accident, and the drug was ecstasy, meant to be used as some form of elation to counter the anxiety he was anticipating before going on stage…

Strangely enough, I felt sad for Christian, and it never occurred to me to feel bad for the groom until hindsight kicked in from writing this dream… The groom lost so much more, but all I could feel was sadness for the best man. 

Reward Over Fear


At first I was hesitant about it…

“Taking Syrus for a run probably isn’t a good idea; he’s a toe walker after all, and I don’t know what the impact on his feet would be.”

Then I started running back and forth between my bedroom and the hallway like I use too when I did the walk away the pounds videos, and just like when he was 4, he followed me back and forth, but this time his intent was to catch me and throw himself against me for a huge hug… So I started thinking

“Maybe I could take us for a long walk, or we can at least try and run. He may be a little slow but that’s okay, as long as he’s safe.”


So I got us dressed for a run, grabbed my ear buds, threw the music on low, and took us for a brisk walk from our house to the town mural, from there I explained we were gonna run – and off we went! I turned it into a race at first but made sure he had the lead to build his confidence, then counted down from 10 to prepare him to walk – and it worked! We walked for a while, then ran, then walked, and just as we were gonna run again he decided he wanted to go into a shop. I told him we were exercising so that wasn’t a choice, but if we run back and up the hill, I’ll buy us a drink at aroma joes.

“Okay”!

One run up hill later (impressive) and we shared a small ice coffee. Normally I don’t like him having caffeine but exercise is the exception to the rule. 😊 we each drank half, and decided on 1 more run back to the house.


I am so INCREDIBLY proud of my kiddo! He defied my initial way of thinking and showed be that despite his disability, he too can be a runner; I just need to teach him to listen to his body if he needs a break, and respect his lead on that one. It also means I can create a new healthy routine for us to enjoy together, which I am thrilled about!

As for myself, it felt so good to really suck in some oxygen into my lungs! I never run through town because I find it embarrassing, but doing it with my kiddo, teaching him something new, and displaying through action that I value exercise and value us as a team took away the self-consciousness that running normally presents. My normal running route would be too much a challenge for him, as he displayed in Halloween, but this was amazing. Running is also teaching me autonomy over my own body, something that never really crossed my mind. For the weight I’ve lost and the limits I’ve been pushing my body through with yoga, I’ve been defying my assumptions and fears through trying frequently lately; I even got a good 15 minute yoga session in after running.


Also, This woman right here is my yoga inspiration – I totally wanna do a head stand! This is a better video however; she totally breaks through while privilege and middle-class norms. Truly inspirational.

Now that I’ve been sitting on my butt blogging for a while, let’s hope my legs aren’t too stiff and I can get some lunch in me!

On Spirituality & Self

I suppose the need for control comes from the inability to forgive… If I could forgive, I wouldn’t need to have so many walls up…

What would it look like to forgive? What would it look like to forgive myself? Forgiveness and “letting go” go hand-in-hand… I don’t know what I’m doing or how to do it.


In my pro Christian days I don’t think I had it figured out then either… I mean when it felt like God had forgiven me, I was allowed to forgive myself, and in forgiveness there was a commitment to do better, die of the old ways of sin, and accept a new me… But that wasn’t really accepting me; it was flawed because I was rejecting parts of myself to be healed when healing requires taking the parts of ourselves we’ve rejected and integrating it back into ourselves. It seems like everything I had done on that journey was a journey of suppression and self-condemnation to earn the forgiveness of a meninist white-American dictator we know as a Christian “God” who presents himself as having borderline personality disorder.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt genuinely happy… It’s hard to appreciate what is good in my life, and that’s a chronic problem.


I read more of the love yourself heal your life book, and it talked about anger and what a pointless problem it is… Something happens and we get angry, then something happens and we get angry, and then something happens and we’re angry; it’s cyclical.

Ben didn’t come home last night and still hasn’t come home. I found out through Kylie he’s at Exeter hospital. He was there because of severe dehydration and malnourishment due to his CRPS, GERD, and something else… His bones were also starting to shrink because of everything, so they did surgery and put a permanent feeding tube in. It’s funny what we manifest for ourselves… Between facticious disorder and him being anorexic years ago, plus talk of a permanent pump that dispenses a slow and steady opioid-based painkiller for his nerve damage (oh, and the walking canes he now uses), it seems as if everything he’s told me he feared or use to wrestle with as a diagnosis is now manifesting all at once, and It’s baffling to watch. Additionally I find it funny that last week Kylie was all “yeah, I’m not gonna get involved in people’s medical stuff”, but yet she knew what was going on the whole time and has been – grrr. I can’t stand hypocrisy. 😡 that or she’s deliberately trying to push me away from him the same way she tried to prevent us from becoming friends… Good old times. >.>’

*sigh* I went from feeling deeply to pissed in 1 thought. Fucking hell… I do hope Ben is okay. He’s been enjoying all the attention he’s been getting online lately through all his support groups telling him what a hero he is for his struggle. I really hope this isn’t some deep manifestation of self-sabotage on his end… It’s just all so… Ironic.

In the end it’s not my journey, but I still fear for him because I care; I just try to keep my distance because I don’t think he wants me involved cause if he did, he’d just openly tell me.

I hate myself again… 😓 I went looking for a spell for forgiveness and there was nothing for self-forgiveness or anything that seemed relevant. I could create my own, but I’d have to know the emotion to tap into and the vision of what it would look like, but I don’t have that at all.

I’m lost… So very lost. On a side note I talked about how since I was a kid whenever I would pray or engage in spiritual/energy work, I yawn a ton although I’m not tired. Turns out I’m releasing a ton of higher energy all at once; grounding myself and taking in energy from other sources (such as the earth) could help with that. As irony would have it, I can open the crown chakra way too easily but have the worst time opening the root chakra. Visual techniques for chakra work never work for me.

Update: finally found a spell, and it reminds me of a Buddhist mantra. Original post can be found on justwicca.com

Forgive self spell:

As I work on myself and work on changing my life for the better, I realize how hurt I am and how fragile I am as a person and human being. I have a lot of emotion pent up inside of me. A lot of issues, a lot of darkness, a lot of anger. I wanted to write a forgiveness spell to help aid in the release of those emotions from your life.

Wiccan Forgiveness Spell

1. Cast your circle

2. Light a candle (this should be decided by you. Have a look at spell candles: colors and meanings for more information)

3. Close your eyes.

4. Chant the following : I love you. I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank You.

5. Chant the sentences, in that order – for 9 minutes.

6. Do this often.

This chant is a very ancient tradition and it helps tremendously to clear negative energies and karma. You can enhance this forgiveness spell by writing a letter of self-forgiveness and piercing a needle through the lemon with the letter attached.

A lot of of my spells lately have included lemon. Check out my new lemon love spell. I see that lemon represents; love, success and healing – all of which apply here.

Take the lemon and bury it in a place that you do have to see often. This symbolizes the release of this energy away from you – the distance and also renewal. The earth will change the lemon and the negative energies attached to them. It will wither and fade -just like your pain – and transform into something more.

This was my forgiveness spell MAINLY for self-forgiveness. This spell should be used as you see fit. You are co-creating your universe and you do have a say in how you want your life to turn out. I am working on being patient, kind and generous because those things weren’t shown to me as a child and I would like to be healthy of mind and spirit before utilizing my full mother Goddess energy.

I am working on creating a YouTube to upload pagan meditations. I have one spell enhancement video up – but cannot wait to create more for you guys!

Thank you for joining the forum! Thank you for liking and sharing this post. Hey – a powerful woman told me you were awesome! –  Thanks for being awesome!

Woot!

 

 

In the Pantheon of the Gods of Wrath

How dare you. How dare you wake me up with faux videos of heartache and suffering of yourself in sign language for politics when you didn’t vote. 


How dare you. How dare you take advantage of the hoards of people that are enchanted and surrounded by you to garner sympathy and empathy due to your social disadvantages. 

How dare you. How dare you mourn with those who put themselves on the line when you took advantage of your youth and your community by not prioritizing history in the making. You fear exploitation, but yet you took advantage of us by pressuring people to not vote third party, but yet you didn’t show up at all, believing we would defend your freedoms for you based on the last 8 years. 




How dare you. How dare you make excuses and tell me there was a line out the ass when you went to vote before you got home, but I confronted you the moment they closed. I feel genuinely lied too. How dare you throw away so many precious core values and beg for empathy after. How dare you exploit our emotions. The polls closed at 7 and the librarian worked the polls the whole day – I know the truth. Don’t fucking lie to me. How dare you!


Once again I’m in tears… I hate this… Not as much as I use too, but I hate this.

I also no longer have a Sunday sitter (shocker), and my anxiety is through the roof over the most mundane shit. I haven’t confronted him on any of this, and I refuse too. I hope the shame of his actions catches up with him, and Kylie for that matter. I can’t respect a woman who can’t think for herself, or any person for that matter. I too was an undecided voter but I showed up. I too was a Bernie supporter but I showed up. How dare you pretend to care about people and not show up the 1 day it mattered more than any other in your life. 40% of people didn’t vote, and 2 of them that live with me are among them. Shame on them, and with the context of shame that I wrestle with I don’t use that term lightly or freely.

*sigh* need to finish laundry…