Category Archives: Trauma

Tales of a Tarot Reader Pt. 1

About 2 or 3 weeks ago I started my own pagan consult business, but it’s mostly paid tarot readings. I sat at the computer, typed up a flyer, printed out 10, and on the second hand-out at 5 monkeys tattoo, the woman was like “Oh my god, you do tarot readings? You have time to do one now? How much?” I pulled out my deck, nervous as this was my first paid reading and I was afraid it would be a dud, but I did what I always do.

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All my cards are cleansed in a selenite grid to rid it of any negative energy from the previous reading, and to reset it for the next. She explained to me that there was this cop she was seeing but wasn’t sure it was worth it as there were a lot of conflicts. I shuffled the deck to make sure none were facing upside down, then allowed her to shuffle, making sure she thought about her relationship with this man so the energy of them is put into the cards.

Energy reading is strange… it’s like putting your hand high above an exposed flame – you feel the warmth and energy from the fire, and the closer you get to the flame, the hotter it gets. Many Reiki readers say there is a ton of warmth radiating off their hands, and for 1 Reiki master in particular, I know this to be true. I on the other hand, feel it like a rock of energy versus a flame. I don’t feel the warmth as most people do with Reiki readings and such, but a ball that’s pushing against my hands – the harder it pushes, the more I know the card I’m meant to draw is there. Where my moon sign is Sagittarian which is all about energy magic and is described as a thunderbolt with its force, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised… where my sun sign is water and my moon sign is fire, I’m drawn to think of a volcano… the lava is fire, which when cooled by water (or air), turns to rock. Maybe it’s the blending of these signs that allows me to feel energy as a rock…. but I digress.

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The next day I did 3 more readings at the same place for 2 more people – one was the owners, and the other her apprentice. The owner wanted to know about her long-term financial success and her relationship with the current co-owner (who I guess is a little bi-polar), and the apprentice wanted to know if she was on the right path with her career and love life as well. I ended up using a bunch of decks, but with all three, there was an awesome amount of success. I’m hoping to do a tarot event at their shop where they do the $30 tattoos while I do readings for the people who are waiting. I also offered to do an energy cleanse of the place since a lot of bad vibes make its way into that shop. At the end, they paid me $35 between the two and thanked them for their time.

Yesterday I got to do a reading for a former coworker of mine I hadn’t seen in ages, and it was both heart breaking and beautiful… she too works with people with disabilities, and where the group home she works out of is closing, she wanted to see what the cards had to say about the future. Not only did it acknowledge the suffering she feels alongside these people, but the tower showed me she also felt like she was carrying the weight of the world. Another card told her she’s on the right path, and the last said she needed to learn to celebrate her successes. This prompted me to ask her about her self-care techniques, and she made it very clear that the closest she has to self-care these days is alcohol and not getting out of bed for a full 24 hours on her day off because of how emotionally draining the job is combined with her depression in general. I pulled a few self-care cards and allowed her to pull some soul-journey cards that she felt drawn to. What caught me off guard however is as I was watching her go through these cards, and she refused to pull the empathy card… again, self-care problems, human service, depression, mourning with people… it struck me as bazaar as I knew she was an empath, and I felt the energy from it. I asked her “why didn’t you draw the empathy card.”

Her answer floored me…

“Everyones always told me I’m an empath, but I don’t want to be… picking up on peoples emotions and stuff, it’s just too much to carry. I push it away as much as possible… maybe because of the responsibility that comes with? I don’t know.”

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I explained to her how in my own journey, the success of an empath relies on the ability to be empathic towards oneself, and how self-care falls into that spectrum. I asked if there could be a relationship between her pushing away her empathic nature and lack of self-care.

“It’s a possibility… most definitely. I can really see that.”

The self-care deck I told her to pour her needs into the cards, more on a feeling level than a thinking one. As soon as she handed me the cards my entire body was covered in waves of goose bumps… then as I read the energy I started crying, and she felt so bad. She apologized that it was so difficult to do this reading, to which I responded”

“It’s not that it’s too difficult, it’s that your needs are so great, it’s hard for me to process all this at once. There is a ton of energy coming from this, but I promise this is not a bad thing, and we will get through this…”

Finally after going through them all we settled on 4 cards, and low and behold, a theme of low-self esteem and practicing self-care emerges.

I did the second reading for her, this time on her love life which showed promise, and then my last reading for her took an unexpected turn. Her roommate is a therapist who also hits the bottle pretty hard, and although she doesn’t name names, she does dump all her baggage from listening to her clients onto my former coworker. I was rather pissed to hear this considering what I’d learned in my clinical psychology courses and possible HIPPA violations, but I at least wanted to provide some boundary cards to help my friend out. Even though I had her hold the cards, channel the energy, and I read them, the results told her that alcoholism is becoming an addiction, and she needs to spend this week she’s on vacation focusing on meditation, her solar chakra, self-care, and her needs. The only connection it had to the roommate was their bond of drinking, but I couldn’t argue with the cards… it was an answer to a question that wasn’t necessarily being sought out, but in the end, was needed to hear. My friend apologized for not receiving the answer I was hoping to give her, but promised me it was a theme that was popping up in the readings from the beginning, so was probably needed to be said. I was okay, and told her that all I do is read the energy off the cards and interpret them – I don’t know why those cards were picked, but I’m just a conduit in the end. They weren’t wrong by any means, they were just not the answers I was after… but it’s okay, thats part of my learning curve too.

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I really do enjoy doing Tarot work, despite how draining it is. I started providing snacks for myself and my clients at the end of my sessions because food is great for grounding where I’m pie-in-the-sky from doing so much energy work. I’m glad my success is slow and steady, and I hope this is becoming something long-term for me.

For those who are interested, my facebook page is called My Pagan Friend Consult

 

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Containment Past The Breaking Point

I don’t know where to begin, other than with the tears I’ve had bottled up inside of me lately…

It starts with a steady stream of hating my “new job”. I got to work 2 weeks ago where I was told I was no longer front end and am now Deli only. I had made it vehemently clear I despise deli and was only willing to do it during the summer to fill some hours in to maintain my employment. When I was pulled into the manager office to attempt to explain my confusion and heart ache over the adjustments, I simply stated that I understood I was recently changed to deli, which I had not been made aware of since I was looking forward to going back to front end with my hours back to normal. Eric, the back end manager and the person I had to hold myself accountable to laid in the guilt trip very thick with statements such as “Given your current situation I was doing you a favor. I didn’ have to do this for you and I don’t do this for anyone else. You’re not going to get as many hours or as much pay standing around twiddling your thumbs with the rest of them. Based on your hours of availability you should be in deli…” my problem is A) I was made to feel ungrateful for such a “valuable” opportunity I was “given” that B) I wasn’t offered, I was made to take it. Yes, I understand I’m homeless. Yes, I understand it’s more pay. Yes, I understand there’s a possibility for more hours, but I didn’t get a say in this decision at all, and only AFTER I end up feeling guilty does he present me with “you wanna go back up front?” I did the only thing I could do and compromise and say I want to be scheduled both front and back. I hate how in deli I feel so isolated. I don’t particularly care for the majority of my co-workers or their incessant need to complain. I hate that my only interaction with customers boils down to filling an order and sending them off, and I despise how I feel like a cog in a wheel of production. I go in, shut up, take my orders, and leave. It’s difficult for me to find a sense of place or value in a department that values production over people. Additionally, front end is not just people standing around chatting – its the bonding of the people between corporate and community that makes us valuable. We have times to keep and deal with a load of complaints from ungrateful people. We end up pushing those carts whether rain, sleet, blistering sun, or snow, and it sucks… but at the end of the day you feel a part of something good. You brighten peoples day, you develop a relationship with the customers… hell, I got a birthday card from one of them! The management up at the front end is also amazingly kind, caring, funny, and understanding. The coworkers are awesome… I mean I feel as if I’d lost so much. Despite all this, I couldn’t speak up to Eric because he’d already shit on my department and made me feel ungrateful for a decision I had no control over, and due to his logic (which was sound), it made me feel in the wrong for having not just graciously accepted what he’d given me in the first place; so now I’m Deli and occasionally front end, but every day consumes me with the threat of tears when I get weeks when I’m not front end at all. My feet hurt, my shirts are covered in sweat and exhaustion, and I feel far from professional or feminine. I fear I’m being judged as the fat sweaty chick and it sucks…

Eric, the back end manager and the person I had to hold myself accountable to, laid in the guilt trip very thick with statements such as “Given your current situation (homelessness) I was doing you a favor. I didn’ have to do this for you and I don’t do this for just anyone. You’re not going to get as many hours or as much pay standing around twiddling your thumbs with the rest of them. Based on your hours of availability you should be in deli…” my problem is A) I was made to feel ungrateful for such a “valuable” opportunity I was “given” that B) I wasn’t offered, had expressed in the past I hated, and was now made to take it. Yes, I understand I’m homeless. Yes, I understand it’s more pay. Yes, I understand there’s a possibility for more hours, but I didn’t get a say in this decision at all, and only AFTER I end up feeling guilty does he present me with “you wanna go back up front?” I did the only thing I could do and compromise and say I want to be scheduled both front and back. I hate how in deli I feel so isolated. I don’t particularly care for the majority of my co-workers or their incessant need to complain. I hate that my only interaction with customers boils down to filling an order and sending them off, and I despise how I feel like a cog in a wheel of production. I go in, shut up, take my orders, and leave. It’s difficult for me to find a sense of place or value in a department that values production over people. Additionally, front end is not just people standing around chatting – its the bonding of the people between corporate and community that makes us valuable. We have times to keep and deal with a load of complaints from ungrateful people. We end up pushing those carts whether rain, sleet, blistering sun, or snow, and it sucks… but at the end of the day you feel a part of something good. You brighten peoples day, you develop a relationship with the customers… hell, I got a birthday card from one of them! The management up at the front end is also amazingly kind, caring, funny, and understanding. The coworkers are awesome… I mean I feel as if I’d lost so much. Despite all this however I couldn’t speak up to Eric because he’d already shit on my department and made me feel ungrateful for a decision I had no control over, and due to his logic (which was sound), it made me feel in the wrong for having not just graciously accepted what he’d given me in the first place; so now I’m Deli and occasionally front end, but every day consumes me with the threat of tears when I get weeks when I’m not front end at all. My feet hurt, my shirts are covered in sweat and exhaustion, and I feel far from professional or feminine. I fear I’m being judged as the fat sweaty chick and it sucks…

Yes, I understand I’m homeless. Yes, I understand it’s more pay. Yes, I understand there’s a possibility for more hours, but I didn’t get a say in this decision at all, and only AFTER I end up feeling guilty does he present me with “you wanna go back up front?” I did the only thing I could do and compromise and say I want to be scheduled both front and back. My front end boss who was present said “YES” under his breath but loud enough for us to hear it (which boosted my mood a little), but I walked away feeling defeated and selfish. hate how in deli I feel so isolated. I don’t particularly care for the majority of my co-workers or their incessant need to complain. I hate that my only interaction with customers boils down to filling an order and sending them off, and I despise how I feel like a cog in a wheel of production. I go in, shut up, take my orders, and leave. It’s difficult for me to find a sense of place or value in a department that values production over people. Additionally, front end is not just people standing around chatting – its the bonding of the people between corporate and community that makes us valuable. We have times to keep and deal with a load of complaints from ungrateful people. We end up pushing those carts whether rain, sleet, blistering sun, or snow, and it sucks… but at the end of the day you feel a part of something good. You brighten peoples day, you develop a relationship with the customers… hell, I got a birthday card from one of them! The management up at the front end is also amazingly kind, caring, funny, and understanding. The coworkers are awesome… I mean I feel as if I’d lost so much. Despite all this, I couldn’t speak up to Eric because he’d already shit on my department and made me feel ungrateful for a decision I had no control over, and due to his logic (which was sound), it made me feel in the wrong for having not just graciously accepted what he’d given me in the first place; so now I’m Deli and occasionally front end, but every day consumes me with the threat of tears when I get weeks when I’m not front end at all. My feet hurt, my shirts are covered in sweat and exhaustion, and I feel far from professional or feminine. I fear I’m being judged as the fat sweaty chick and it sucks…

I hate how in deli I feel so isolated. I don’t particularly care for the majority of my co-workers or their incessant need to complain or step in on my work without seeing if I need the help in the first place. I hate that my only interaction with customers boils down to filling an order and sending them off, and I despise how I feel like a cog in a wheel of production. I go in, shut up, take my orders, and leave. It’s difficult for me to find a sense of place or value in a department that values production over people. Additionally, front end is not just people standing around chatting – its the bonding of the people between corporate and community that makes us valuable. We have times to keep and deal with a load of complaints from ungrateful people. We end up pushing those carts whether rain, sleet, blistering sun, or snow, and it sucks… but at the end of the day you feel a part of something good. You brighten peoples day, you develop a relationship with the customers… hell, I got a birthday card from one of them! The management up at the front end is also amazingly kind, caring, funny, and understanding. The coworkers are awesome… I mean I feel as if I’d lost so much. Despite all this, I couldn’t speak up to Eric because he’d already shit on my department and made me feel ungrateful for a decision I had no control over, and due to his logic (which was sound), it made me feel in the wrong for having not just graciously accepted what he’d given me in the first place; so now I’m Deli and occasionally front end, but every day consumes me with the threat of tears when I get weeks when I’m not front end at all. My feet hurt, my shirts are covered in sweat and exhaustion, and I feel far from professional or feminine. I fear I’m being judged as the fat sweaty chick and it sucks…

Despite all this, I couldn’t speak up to Eric because he’d already shit on my department and made me feel ungrateful for a decision I had no control over, and due to his logic (which was sound), it made me feel in the wrong for having not just graciously accepted what he’d given me in the first place; so now I’m Deli and occasionally front end, but every day consumes me with the threat of tears when I get weeks when I’m not front end at all. My feet hurt, my shirts are covered in sweat and exhaustion, and I feel far from professional or feminine. I fear I’m being judged as the fat sweaty chick and it sucks… I even took my old work shirts to a dry cleaner to see if the stains would come out of them since they were better quality and theres no guarantee, and I’m not paying for something that may not even work.

Destiny is at it again and this time, she ran to my best friend Alex, who isn’t even friends with her! Destiny had just come back from a stressful vacation only to come home and find cat piss and shit all over the house, and the cats malnourished because her brother-in-law refused to care for them. The litter box was destroyed, and destiny was vehemently pissed and told me “I dont think I can ever have people over ever again.” Great, so after she promised I could sleep over, not only does she change her mind, but she tells me I can’t come over – period. I tried to take it in stride to see what happens, and the next day she says I can stay over. She told me how the day before she spent the whole day cleaning, had to buy new litter boxes, and one of them stared her dead in the eyes and pissed in the kitchen sink. As always, I’m listening and telling her that sucks but at least shes home now and it won’t happen again, blah blah blah – doing the supportive friend thing. Well, I crawl into bed that night, am watching TV, and destiny comes out and finds cat shit on the floor…. so whats her response? She blames me and my son for being there, saying it’s our fault because sleeping over stresses the cats out and THATS why they did it.
So let me get this straight – your cats were neglected for a whole week, developed a bad habit from having an overly full litter box, box was destroyed, got a new one that doesn’t smell like them anymore, hasn’t stopped being bad since you’ve gotten back and it’s OUR fault the cats shit on the floor. Our very presence is problematic for your cats… really? Then to make matters worse, I get a message from Alex in a state of panic asking me if Sy and I were okay…

destiny chat 1

From here I find out she’s been lying to me since we became “friends” again. I asked her if I’m no longer unblocked from facebook, and she tells me a few weeks ago she doesn’t have one anymore because it’s too much drama. The day I came over to the house, she’s on facebook and I confronted her. “I thought you didn’t have a facebook anymore… did you make a new one?” “No, this is Kams account.” I knew even then she was lying because she had told me ages ago they don’t keep passwords to each others accounts or go through them because of the infidelity and drama that happened, so it would just be healthier to not go through each others stuff and maintain their own lives through trust. I didn’t question her on it, but was suspicious, and let it go…. until Alex.

destiny 2

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I’m ready to send this to her and prove she’s a liar and be done with her. Even after I found this out I went with the “kill her with kindness” route and did all her dishes and wiped down her counter-tops before I left, but just to make sure I had my bases covered, I took pictures of the whole house as insurance just to prove the house was good when I left in case she decides to tell people she was kind enough to let me stay for 2 nights and we destroyed it…. instead she waits 24 hours after I’ve left and sends a nasty text saying my son destroyed her table with pen and she had to sand the whole thing down, but she’s “not mad at us.” Fuck you bitch, I’m mad at you! Ale and I are at a loss because I should drop destiny for lying to me at the very least, but I don’t know if that’s an over reaction on my part, and Alex isn’t sure either. It’s not my fault destiny chooses to stain a table and leave it unfinished to it’s exposed to any elements that may occur, such as water spilling, cat vomit, pen, and so on…. but then I’m afraid if I remove her after I’ve explained why I’m choosing to no longer be friends with her, I’m just isolating myself instead of being healthy and taking care of my needs…. but when I ran into her in the community on Thursday she wouldn’t say a word to me. I’m really sorry, but I’m trying to learn to value myself by not becoming intertwined in drama that brings me down and makes me feel like shit, carefully picking battles to fight or back away from… which brings me to my grandmother…

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This prompted me to actually read my grandmothers message that pissed me off rather than just skimming through it…

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She’s known my feelings for him and how emotionally abusive he’s been. She also told me how his behavior radically changes when he has friends over because he starts shitting on the women in the house. When she fed him fuel to the fire by telling him my whole lifes story, he came up stairs reeking of booze, layed down beside my bed, and said “Hey, I just want to let you know I’m here for you. Grandma told me everything that’s happened to you, and I get it because I was abused too, and I’m so sorry, and if you ever need anything let me know.”

While his words may give the appearance of care, really it was a terrifying experience. I laid their cowering in my blanket trying so hard to back away, but immobile and unable to move. His breath was awful, and I was so angry at my grandmother for empowering a man I had explained was emotionally manipulative. That whole week leading up to those events, I distanced myself from him as much as possible while he deliberately barked orders in front of his buddy so he could look at his friend and go “see what I mean?” which I heard him say.

The best analogy I can give for what my grandmother did in this message was this…. let’s pretend a friend of yours hooks you up on a date. He picks you up and things seem fine at first, but then the more you get to know him the more you realize he’s not the person he claimed to be. Then at the end of the date, he takes you home, forces his way in, rapes you, and leaves after telling you it’s your fault. Your “friend”, in turn, comes after you for going to the police because he bought you a free dinner and spent his own gas money, and to call the police shows how unappreciative you are of the gift that they offered you, making you the bad person for going to the police and standing up for yourself. Did he rape me? No, but multiple times he tried pushing through emotional barricades I had in place to protect myself, using his position as my grandfather and military experience to be entitled to know everything about me, and now that he “knows” and has deemed you “worthy” to be his family, he expects you to do exactly as he says or threatens to call the police and tells you what a worthless piece of shit you are (which he did).

This is where I come full circle again… I’m not “grateful” enough. I’m “selfish”. Everything is my fault and I should be thankful I have a job I was given without a choice, I should be thankful a “friend” gave me a place to sleep but shits on me the whole time and uses me as a backup therapist. I should be “thankful” that I was able to spend time with my grandparents, even though my grandfather was emotionally abusive and caused more grief for me rather than helped me. I literally can’t take this anymore. I have no one to talk to about it, and I’m suffering inside not knowing how to process whats abusive, if I’m over-reacting, and how to let it go. I’m drowning in tears that I can barely control, and have no place to let them out safely because I don’t have a place of my own or a place to go.

The Karma Carrier

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I’m more or less reposting this article for self-reflection, as I seem to strongly feel this applies to me and would like to dig a little more…. recently I’ve wanted to do a very technical spell to cut the Karma chord with my mother, since I can’t help but feel in part that the circumstances surrounding my homelessness have to do with karma, and was warned of it earlier this year in someone else’s tarot reading they did for me. I need to persevere through this experience…. I hate this, but this wouldn’t have been dealt to me if it didn’t have its purpose. I find the parallels between myself and my grandmother uncanny to a major extent, but I see so many patterns and repetitions unfold between my life as her granddaughter, and her relationship with her own grandmother, and so on. This whole thing makes me want to do a family tree to trace back stories of old and reincarnation.

The Family Karma Carrier

 

Begging for Punishment

I’m at the edge of the precipice again… Last time I stood here I wrote that letter to Ben knowing full well the chain reaction of events would lead to a devastating level of revival towards healing, believing if I pushed past the point of transparency I’d find my way back, and I did… Now here I am again, and the clock is ticking. Just a few more days and my possessions will be in storage, I’ll have a family gym membership so I can shower, and a tent so we can sleep on the air mattress… In truth it’s all my fault, but Alex begs me to see otherwise… But it is. Once again I made the mistake of trusting people with something that could have fallen apart (and did). Instead of budgeting to live with someone, I should have moved out in February after fixing the car, but I really thought I’d be in a different position. By the same token however, I don’t want to be in a shelter. With a tent I can say I’m camping with my kiddo, and in truth it’ll end up being a spiritual journey inward wrestling with these emotions, which is probably what I need. Where the weather is warm enough, Sy too will be warm and fed and happy, and as long as he’s clean, healthy, and happy, then who cares. I just need to make sure whatever family gym I sign up for has a pool for us, and considering all the shit I’ve been getting for my weight lately, it’s not such a bad idea, though not the reason I wish to change my temple. 


To my grandmother and the asshole online who reminds me so much of Josh, fuck both of you. “Do you know how many times carol made your grandmother cry?” Why no, I don’t, because for the past 5 years she should have had enough distance between us to not talk about me on a daily basis. To put fault on me for her tears is the prevention and inability to take ownership of ones emotions, and I don’t give a shit if she comes from a different generation, I’m proud of my curves. In the right outfit I look amazing! As for the online guy who was claiming to be this amazing guy, labeling yourself as “alpha” tells me how sexism has negatively impacted who you are, and if you acknowledge I’m amazing but can’t look beyond something you’ve never seen, then maybe you’re 38 and single for a reason. That’s fine that you have your own taste in women, but I need a man to love my soul where it matters, and clearly you ain’t it. 


Crap, I meant to grab my charcoal and my sketch book… I’ve started reading the artists way, and it’s a little tough to stomach because the spiritual principles remind me of the Christian conditioning I endured, but I’m tying to stomach my way through it (when I’m not feeling dizzy from the immense eye rolling). I also got her book right to write since I am a blogger, and it seems like there’s so many ways to get published thatbitnwould be nice to get a book out there… Meh. Who knows. At this point I need to make space to write more personalized letters to the people and situations I’m wounded by to purge this emotional energy out of me and drain the dam of tears that’s pressure cooking at this point, but it’s been tough to find time and make space when alone time is being zapped away. 

Carpe Dieum 

Allowed to be Angry

In full swing I have been pissed at Kylie, and rather than possibly projecting my inner child onto her, I’m not allowing guilt to conflict with my ability to utilize my anger as a tool for boundary setting. I made it absolutely clear that if she’s comfortable trashing the kitchen floor so everyone has to jump over the trash spewing out of the bin because it’s not Sunday night, then from now on she has no problem committing to cleaning the bathroom on certain days since she’s been exploiting and taking advantage of me for months by not lifting a finger and doing shit. 


Because Ben was in on this conversation, he at least came downstairs and threw out what was on the floor, and agreed to wipe down counter tops, sweep floors, and will bring the trash out whatever day Kylie is not doing it and needs to be done, but he’s going in for spinal tap surgery today and will be gone for a week. 

Thankfully Alex and Destiny have been helping me through this, and agree her level of immaturity is through the roof. Last I knew destiny and Kylie were still friends since we all worked at great bay, but twice in a row that destiny was at my house, Kylie ignored her. Destiny was unloading all the racism she and her boyfriend have to deal with since trump was elected, and to be treated with such disrespect was awful! She pried to pass it off as “I’m too old for this drama”, but it lingered 24 hours later. My guess is Kylie insisted on picking sides between Sarah P, and Destiny rather than allowing their conflict to be their own, and picked sides. They were still friends when Kylie and I were friends, and destiny has a conversation from a few months ago and everything was fine. I don’t get it, but that was a super shitty thing Kylie did. 

Kylie also came home yesterday morning talking about how she got into an accident and wasn’t sure if she’d need a rental to get by, but as the story unfolded for each person she told (since she insisted on talking in the kitchen instead of her bedroom), the story subtlety changed until her mom showed up. It went from a vehicle spinning off and side swiping her to rear ending her. When I finally saw her car for myself there were 3 scratches and no dents in her bumper at all, nor anything on the side. Seriously, maybe I’m just getting too old for this level of drama too, but this is just crap. >.>’ 

Alex and I got some serious girl time in last night with tacos and tequila, and we’re rotating Tuesday nights. We were talking about how awesome it is we ended up being being friends, and got a serious amount of laughs and political discussion in. I needed it.

The Death of a Stalker

In truth, I can’t feel that bad for her. Originally Aris tried to get me to feel bad for her as this poor transgendered woman who can’t come out of the closet and he’s trying to rescue her to garner my sympathy… Then a professor snapped me out of it when she saw I was sympathizing with someone who threatened my sense of safety as a brand new mom and painted me as crazy so Kai didn’t have to take ownership of her actions. Every store I walked into, she followed me. Every parking lot I crossed, she followed me, and she knew exactly where I’d be because Aris told her where I’d be. When Aris gave me a hug I watched her collapse to the ground and sob, hiding behind the bushes. Then next day he said I was crazy, she wasn’t stalking me, and the whole thing was a coincidence.

For my sense of safety, I’m glad she can’t come after me anymore. While a part of me is genuinely judgemental that I can’t look at her and feel bad, the comfort is I know others who do care enough about her to do so. At this point I refuse to call her a “him” because she doesn’t deserve that respect, and as sad as it is, I cannot mourn the loss of someone who hurt me so bad as a new mother, leaving me defenseless and weak. While I understand many trans people would say this is offensive, to those that read it and feel offended, that is their choice to personalize something that ultimately has nothing to do with them. To other trans people in my life, I use the pronouns they give and I respect them. I have no problem with the trans community and would gladly march by their side… as for Kai? This is perhaps the only dagger I have for someone who made me feel my life was on the line, and I will cling to it till I’ve moved on. Knowing the pattern of women Aris sets out for, I know she too was codependent and a victim in the end, but that doesn’t change or justify her actions or the fear she put into me. A part of me truly wants to mourn for her as say “poor thing”, but I need to learn to cling to and care about myself, and this is in part all I have.

Knowing the pattern of women Aris sets out for, I know she too was codependent and a victim in the end, but that doesn’t change her actions or the fear she put into me.

>>>>>>>>>Kai’s Death

Looking at his text I’m calling bullshit. I know the only person he’s ever mourned the loss over is himself – like when I told him he was going to be a dad, and then when he cried because he begged me for an abortion and I told him I was going to leave him… Then he popped the question and asked me to marry him. >.>’ he told me he’s never cried over the loss of his grandfather or others he’s been close too, but the difference is he’s stoic, showing no emotion once that person is gone. In the context of grief work and narcissism, where my problem is I was shamed for grieving and didn’t know how to mourn my own losses, but mourned the loss of others, I have to wonder if he’s incapable of mourning the loss of others and only for himself. This was a huge red flag and a major warning sign when he told me he’s never cried over someone passing, and now I know why. I remember asking about this in therapy, but the answer was something about how everyone grieves differently.

Aris is truly terrifying in the context of things, and although I know why I fell for him, there’s another piece of me that still begs to ask… How did I ever fall for him? I ignored all the warning signs… I should have listened to that empathy, that intuition, that small panic inside my chest, but I didn’t. People warned me to stay away from him, but I found it strange that these people were all his friends, so they were all rejecting me, not him. This not to say that because I wish I’d never been with Aris as long as I was that I’m not thankful I’m a mom or a college grad, which all came about as a result, but I could have saved myself so much heartache instead of wanting him to save me. I truly do hate him. I also hate myself. I’m sure Kai hated herself too on some level… The women I’ve crossed paths with who have fallen victim to Aris all bare that likeness.

Somehow I see him as the predator he truly is now. I’m in shock.

Blending Experiences

Yesterday I did the Hecates ceremony and a tarot reading with a few simple questions with powerful results.

Before the Hecates ceremony I caught myself in a religious state I hadn’t experienced in a long time… But the emotion was strong and intense. Whenever I prayed to God as a Seventh-day Adventist Id always end up acknowledging my flaws and inadequacies before approaching the throne of the lord, since pride is not acceptable, as it was Satans downfall. Confession is a huge part of it too, and the feeling of forgiveness helped me to feel acknowledged and connected in my religious worship and prayers. 

Coming before Hecates I noticed that same process occurring…

“What if I’m not good enough? What if I’m not worthy? It needs to be perfect so which ceremony should I go for?”

That’s when I realized she’s not God, she’s a goddess, and because of what Hecates symbolizes, I can come before her strong in who I am because she’ll accept me as a woman at the very least. I’ve been on the right path for a while, and Hecates will show me the way, since that’s why I’m coming before her in the first place. I don’t need to feel pervasive insecurity in who I am before her, and as a goddess of power, she calls me to find ways to lock on to it. 


As I did the ceremony I was surprised how grounded I was, and the expansion of the heart chakra. My crown chakra is always on overdrive when I dip into a spiritual place and yawn profusely, even though I’m not tired. Certain reading material do the same, as my healing hands book from the library does. I felt more whole, centered, calm, and deeply relaxed in my practice, and it was a sensational novelty to both create and take part of. 

After a while I took a break and did my own thing for a bit… Made the psychic tea and it was pretty tasty, though I was disappointed it wasn’t spicier. It said it had peppermint and cayenne in it, but I didn’t experience much of that. 

With time nearing midnight and needing to go to bed so I can wake up in the morning, I asked The Goddess to guide my tarot reading, and the results I got were as follows:

What is one thing I can grow through for the next few weeks:

Upside down King of swords:

Represents someone who is overly regimented and militants in their routines. They’re harsh in their judgements of others, and of anyone who does not fit into their stereotypes. Could be accused of having a narrow outlook on life, without room for accepting new people, ideas, and new situations. Key factors of this card are intolerance and narrow-mindedness. 

Should I get involved in Politics?

King of Pentacles:

Successful and powerful with a great sense of responsibility towards family, friends, career, and community. Often successful because they have someone to provide for. This driving force is a motivator towards success, and achievement is measured through the security of family and views of oneself through important relationships in their life. Does not come across as overly confident. 

Should I become an energy healer (2 cards)

Heirophant: need to seek professional advice; alternatively any ritualistic service that is performed should have the appropriate spiritual leader.

Upside down Wheel of Fortune:

Although you may have had a run of bad luck in your past, things are changing and your life will soon take a turn for the better. Everything is on the way up and now it is time to enjoy the positive changes coming your direction. 

Should I consider selling adult toys through intamacy tickles, and will it be profitable? (2 cards)

10 of Wands for selling:

You have a lot of stresses, strains, and responsibilities, but you are quite capable of handling them so don’t worry too much. 

2 of Pentacles for finance:

You need to keep the balancing act up for a bit longer. Don’t make any decisions to drop any one aspect of your life just yet; you will need more information before making that choice. 

*personal reflection on the meaning and value of those answers to come later as I haven’t worked through it all yet, but I get the gist of it.

From there I called it a night and thanked the goddess for our reading and results. 


I had a dream that when I woke up from, I realized I’d ad multiple dreams like this in the past. Although it’s sexual, I’ll post it because there is something deep and profound in repetitious dreams, but I’ve never really bothered to assess one like this, as I did in the dreams where I’m drowning. The dream, though blended in details because of its repetition, follows to the best of my understanding like this:

First I’m in a house. Men keep running in, one at a time, trying to steal an object and leave; as one theif was done and leave, another one would soon enter. I’m trying to stop them in multiple ways – screaming at the top of my lungs so my brother would hear, setting up traps, chasing them, fighting them, but nothing seems to be effective. The more I fight to defend, the bigger and grander the house gets. 

The house is now a mansion, It’s “Christian” mansion from 50 shades of grey, but for some reason Christian is played by Liam Needon, so he’s a lot older than he should be but a great voice! Anyway, one loser busts in the house and I fake being injured and holding a secret blade in case he comes near, and I’m screaming until someone else hears me and arrests the guy. The last theif I fought was one I used seduction to stop him. He had tattered and dirty clothing, teeth were rotting and a few were missing, but he was younger than me by 2 years and I could tell he was looking for money for drugs. I managed to lure him to the couch and grind on top of him. I refused any real sex or oral because he stunk of sweaty balls (vomits). That’s when Liam Neeson comes down the stairs and see’s me! Finally, someone who could help me stop him. I quickly blurt out he was a theif and this was the only way to stop him until someone would help, and Liam glares and the theif. Then, for whatever reason, the words out of his mouth was that famous one liner.. I will find you, and when I do, I will get you.. Or something like that. 


I use to have sex fantasies like that all the time… me seducing men or women. Particularly its a theme of me seducing someone who has power over me to either protect myself or try and get my wants and needs met, and enjoying not only the sexual thrill, but the feeling of control, leaving them weak and helpless. My very fist sexual fantasy was something like that too… I was a government spy trying to get information out of a certain historical figure I was learning about in 4th grade. I dressed in one of those “I dream of geanie” outfits as a disguise and… Well… I got my information to say the least. 

I’m sure the meaning of these dreams is staring me dead in the face but I still need it decoded. It has to be more than just taking power away from someone. 

Blah… Long ass blog. I’m sitting at the coffee shop blogging all this. This morning I don’t know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself for handling something between me and Kylie the way I did, but she left 2 weeks worth of trash for me to take care of and out agreement was that she’d start helping with dishes. 

“Hey Kylie, what’s the situation with the dishes?”

“Umm, what do you mean? I have dishes and plastic in my room that I wash and take care of?”

“Yeah, that wasn’t our agreement. You were doing that anyway.”

“Okay, well I guess it goes back to how things were.”

“Sounds good.”

The agreement was that rather than buying plastics and stuff she’d go back to doing dishes and helping out since I’m helping her take trash to the curb because “she can’t do it by herself”, but two weeks ago she did exactly that – she took all of it out. As a result, I only took out half the trash instead of all of it since she didn’t help with any of the dishes at all, and was simply using me. 

Of course, the tarot card I pulled falls in line with this as being militant and controlling, but I have to consider my own needs. I refuse to overload myself with work, or allow myself to be taken advantage of. I know this points back to living with mom and feeling like my sense of purpose and value in the household and as a woman was trying to clean and raise her kids, and homeschool them, but healthy boundaries requires balance of what I will allow myself to take on and be responsible for. Where it’s obvious she never had any intention on helping me, and I already clean up after her when she spills something on the stove or uses the restroom, I refuse to be her thankless nanny or mother. Where she’s constantly looking to feel enabled, I won’t be doing it. Do I feel guilty for what happened? Profoundly and immensely on an unhealthy level I do – but I didn’t attack her or anything, I just asked a simple question and she had the same idea I had. Im protecting myself, and even did it in person instead of through text as she requested, despite how obviously uncomfortable it made her. I need to come to terms with my power and find the balance without shame or fear. This sucks, and I really hate it. 

*sigh* why does being me have to be so complicated. I wish someone would just give me the solution to the problem on that one – am I doing the right thing, and how do I know so I don’t have to harbor these feelings of intensity and insecurity for putting my foot down. I could attempt to take pride in myself for doing what I did, but I don’t know if I should or why, allowing Kylies problems to be her own instead of bearing the burden of interaction between us. >.>’ fucking hell. I should not be this tense and panicked before work. I need to find a way to decompress. 

The Stillness in my Heart

You know what’s amazing about self-help & healing/therapy? When you connect to the goodness within you, you strive to be a better person… In particular I strive to be a better mom. I change my reactions knowing full well that what I model becomes my child’s internal voice. For an autistic child, how much more of a challenge is it to develop a healthy inner voice with a mom that lives a life of anxiety by example? Daily I work gently with myself to recover what was stolen from me… my femininity, my authenticity, my fragility, and my ability to accept what others could not of who I am, and I use those very key skills which mound themselves to the skill sets of empathy – not functional empathy but genuine empathy, to create a new inner dialogue for myself, and model the health of that dialogue for my son. My mistakes as a parent are my own, even if they may be generational by some extent, because I have the capacity to take ownership of who I am, who I wish to be, and flourish. It’s hard to look inside, and there are some elements that are longer to examine than others, but life is a journey and the choice to grow is my own. I love my life and the opportunities unfolding this year. I’m grateful to those that support and surround me, and keep the circle that surrounds my heart open to others. ❤️

Empathy is Intense

The ability to heal and be whole is lived and learned through empathy. I see now that the root of my work is to develop an empathic inner voice. The dialogue has to change, the relationship has to change, but in order for this to have happened, my understanding of empathy had to become more full in order to integrate it into self and not just others. 

I guess the best place to start would actually be in my blog, since it’s all self-dialogue in the end based on personal interpretation. I could always construct an empathic dialogue with myself self by taking 1 blog once a month and decnstructuing that experience with open-ended questions and statements I would tell my son to build him up…

*sigh* I wish I’d known the inner voice I was creating within my son. Seeing himself punish himself for making a mistake is my fault, because I would punishing him for making mistakes, like my parents before me… Especially my dad. He was a dictator on that level. I strongly suspect a huge part of my inner dialogue actually stems from him, and my insecurities that I try to cover with perfection stem from not understanding his depression, as well as being made to take on very adult responsibilities as a child. I’ve never thought to assess my dads clinical depression and the impact it had on me… I mean the more general impact he had on me, yes, but where he has a diagnosis of Depression and always had it would help to understand what depression for him looked like as a child, and how that shaped my internal voice and adulthood. 


“Anger is offen related to long-standing feelings of humiliation.” This is by far one of the truest answers I’ve needed in order to dig deep. It’s not that imnafraidnto ask these questions, it’s just that they never leave my mouth because it’s “my job to do the work” and the assumption is that if I ask “what is the root of deeply seated anger”, it takes away the work from figuring it out yourself. For me it seems to be the opposite – answer the question, and I know where to dig. The empathy book says people “return to the scene of the crime” in their healing journeys; for me it’s an excavation site where I need to dig and see the memories.

That was another one of my dads infamous signature statements – “figure it out.” “Figure it out for yourself.” “You figure it out.” If I had a question that needed answering, I’d always be told to figure it out. This was discouraging, angering, and upsetting to me as an 8 year old girl, and where my father could have shined the most actually had he taken the time to carefully listen and answer. I understand what the intent behind it was, to think for myself and grow in that regard… But where I had a chronic resentment against him for taking my mom away from me, this “figure it out” shit took away something else too… The ability to develop a relationship with me. It was redirective rather than explorative. It was a blockade, not a gateway. 

I love my dad, and I know it’s not his fault. I know he always did the best he could, and I probably knew more than I should have at a young age what he was struggling through because he dumped too much on me as a child that should have been discussed with an adult… But maybe I felt as if that healing his wounds would increase my self-worth, despite the confusion I felt for synonymously hating him because it was his fault I no longer had a mother. 

Too much… I’m going to cry here at the library… I’ve dug too much for today, but I’m sure I’ll start digging deeper still. 

Damn you full moon in Cancer. 

Memes & Facebook Emotional Support Systems

This was on my codependent recovery page:


While so many people were liking, loving, and saying “how true” to this post, I was both angry and offended. This was my response.

Probably because grief is a vessel we use to contain our losses, and when that vessel gets too full we cry, and until we’ve learned how to healthfully grieve and accept the loss of something or someone, the power won’t go away. It doesn’t mean we won’t be sad from time to time, but the difference between laughter from joy and tears from sorrow, is that laughter brings something into our lives where sorrow is the absence of something that once filled us. Sorry but there just isn’t a fair analogy in this picture; it’s almost a punishment for grieving because we couldn’t “get over it”. Of course, this is both my biased and humble opinion, so I’m sorry if this offends anyone.

That’s all I can see in this is another “get over it” statement. I’m somehow coming to resent my father constantly telling me to “get over it”, and it does deny me the inalienable rights of grieving and working through things in my way and in my time. He did grow up military as a single dad so I can’t truly be mad at him, but I’m starting to see that perhaps working towards “getting over it” is not the goal, but a lie we tell others to rob them of their journey towards understanding, based purely on the fucked up “cultural values” of America. >.>

I have no idea why I have so many deep and sad thoughts today but it is what it is I suppose. :-/