I’m so greatful, happy, and excited! I’ve got my sy guy snuggled up next to me and drinking hot cocao with fluff as I’m typing this, I went for a 1 mile run, I found someone else’s positive random act of kindness in town, and the school gave me a Christmas tree with lights! Yay me!!! 🎄🎁😁🎉🍾
I’m in some kinda factory worker building when I get this strange vibe that something is about to go down. I look out the window and see a strange kinda shooting star and attempt to run for my life while everyone remains blissfully unaware – and that’s when they show up out of nowhere. Aliens that look like a realistic version of roger wearing space suits and hazmat suits start grabbing people and get them to board their ship.
I leve the room I’m in, and just when i think I’ve found a safe hiding spot, someone tries to crowd in with me and we get discovered forcing me to run again, or vice versa. At one point I’m back on the roof parkouring all over the place when I find a group of people hoping to run away. Once again I notice subtle lights flashing on occasion, and they’re all over the place. I find the source – a cube this most likely a gps censor to track our location. I managed to grab 2 and throw them far away from us before an entire group of aliens teleport to the roof. One of them manages to catch me and starts to ascend, dragging me into the ship, but the energy field dragging us in malfunctions and I manage to escape before being beamed in.
After a time of hiding and running all the people who were brought on the ship were released after something happened where their mentality subtlety changes to working slaves of obedience. Oddly enough the culture of the aliens was also now in these people, and they were all very polite and talked and laughed like normal. The leader of the aliens was now bragging how he’d turned us into “perfect” beings, and now in order to survive I had to blend in with everyone else and pretend to have been changed too. Aliens kept starring at me, suspicious of me and drawing slowly forward to monitor me closely. Soon after I wake up.
Omg have people been aggressive lately! I have too in my ability to be blunt and direct online but jeebuz! Additionally I’ve also been hearing the word wisdom to describe me lately, which takes me back because this too was how I was described in my teen years with the church; it was something I valued, studied, and prayed for diligently, and now I’m hearing it again through spirituality and healing message boards. Strange… But good.
I remember wanting to go up a woodland mountain trail… It seemed like so much fun, but I was in a car. It was one of my transportation dreams. Instead of jumping in the wrong car and getting further and further behind, getting out, running to where I need to go and never really getting there, this one was very different. I remember going grocery shopping between shaws and whole foods. My car was broken and I needed to get to my son in time from school, as well as recover my broken vehicle so it wouldn’t end up being towed and stored somewhere I couldn’t pay for. I ended up at my car using some random vehicle that looks similar to bens, but wasn’t his, but now I have 2 vehicles to get off the property, and I don’t remember how my car got there in the first place since it’s broken. It shouldn’t be here. The people who lived in this complex were starting to get agitated by the cars and my predicament. I remember I needed to run back home (in Somersworth) and finding it harder and harder to get there, consumed by panic.
I feel uneasy this morning; I’ve allowed the little details and hick-ups of life to zap my energy. Despite meditating I’m having a hard time staying grounded. EFT helps some, but not enough to simply release it and let things be.
I am safe, truly I am… But my anxiety is trying to paint a different image. I’m trying not to be angry at myself for feeling this way, and I’m so sick of mental road blocks and “I’ve tried but it’s not working”… Just keep on with the EFT’s and affirmations. It’ll keep me on track.
I’m almost done reading “you can heal your life” by Louise hay; this should help with me doing the workbook. Once I’ve established the ability to love, accept, and forgive myself, I can dive back into the deeper stuff knowing how better to release and accept it.
I hope all this snow melts. It’s an overgrown dusting really but I’m just not ready for it yet.
Hopefully Ben returns to normal soon; between Exeter, Dartmouth, and Mass General, I fear he’s relapsed. It’s bad enough I don’t work Sunday’s anymore. I don’t mind running in this weather, but I don’t want sy going for runs in it; ice makes it a safety hazard for him and where he doesn’t pay attention or understand safety, I’d rather I slip and fall than him. Speaking of falling, I hate that most of my pants and skirts just don’t stay on. It’s annoying to say the least.
It’s been 1 year…. My how much has changed…
So I’ve solidified what I’ll be doing for Wednesday and Thursday (Thanksgiving). I have 50 baggies with Louise Hay wisdom cards in each bag. In each will also be a bag of tea, a small candy, a band-aid, and a small letter from me that I’ll be printing at the library. While most random acts of kindness are objects that are given, I want to give emotions – not to say people don’t get emotional on the receiving end in either circumstance, but I’m looking to plant a seed that will grow into something positive and powerful. The candy symbolizes the sweet moments in life and taking the time to reflect on them as a meditation activity, the bandaid is affirming our ability to heal from within when we take the time to take care of ourselves, the tea is a reminder to pause in the business of life and enjoy ones own company, and the card is a message for them to reflect on.
In addition I’ll be putting up “flyers” with slips that can be torn off, each with their own positive affirmation message people can reflect on for the day; as you can see this is a rough draft. I’m sure the coffee shops I visit would be more than happy to let me post them on their community boards! This particular one I can do every week if I wish, and would love to do. I also want to document this journey on Facebook to start the movement in people’s own communities as well. With enough support, I could probably start a campaign people can donate too, and I can post how their money is being used to improve the lives of others. In the era of Donald Trump, some form of helping movement and emotional support is beyond necessary. I may also start going to town meetings here in Newmarket to see how I can be more active in the community…
Once again I had a dream about great bay services, and this time is was a fight with Pam and me missing all the clients.😡
Now that I’m waking up and processing these dreams more frequently I’m baffled that I’m having these dreams on a consistent basis, and wish they would stop for a little while.
This has just not been a good day. I woke up still pissed at the library from yesterday’s discriminatory event against my son, then I got to work and found out they screwed up my schedule and my manager threw out the list of dates I asked for off, so I may get in trouble for next week having Wednesday and Friday off. I’m burnt out from a full week of work. Blah.
I’m trying to keep my head above water. I’m planning a random act of kindness event for Thursday morning where I leave ziplock bags with tea packets and affirming messages around the town for the people of Newmarket to find; where I won’t be sharing thanksgiving with family I’m hoping to at least give back to people and show them someone cares. This would also be good for Syrus as a lesson in love, if he understands the concept I’m trying to do. I need to buy tea bags for the zip locks I’ve started; there’s 50 of them in total. I’ve been doing random acts of kindness searches on Pinterest. It’s been fun.
I remembered my mom shaming this part of me as a teen… I remember planning something where I wanted to help people, and I was told it was a bad idea and shouldn’t do it. It’s a vague memory, but I feel the tightness around my heart and in my chest and upper body… The shame and sorrow and slight tinge of anger from feeling so misunderstood. It wasn’t fair. There’s a real sense of weight about this grief… I’m connecting with someone deep in me.
A part of me wants tony she myself and say I’m overcompensating for my loneliness this thanksgiving, but I also know this is part of who I really am. I want others to feel good… No one needs to know it was me; although if I make cookies for the police department they’re gonna know it was me. I’m thankful for the HUGE turn-around this year compared to last, and I wanna give back for it. I have to stand by my side on this and not label myself codependent, but greatful.
There are certain ideas I always come back too that I’m passionate about, and I don’t know if these thoughts are comforting or guiding and I’m just not living up to my potential.
I want to start a business based on activism, possibly a non-profit. I want to base it off of community need and universal need. I want it to be a movement that encourages growth and development. I always get as far as a vision and research, and even develop a plan as to how it expands and unfolds, but then I see the boundaries and barriers and become discouraged at my lack of resources and abilities. I think I found a way around it this time, but we’ll see how it all plays out. Kia said he wants to be involved, and he would be a huge resource, plus I’m right next to Durham and people are always looking for the next big movement. I’m in a good place to set this up so far; Let’s see how it goes.
This time last year i would be driving first thing in the morning from my mothers house to Somersworth, dropping off my son to daycare, driving to work, panicking over if DCYF would be showing up at my mothers door step, angry at the landlord for withholding money for painting the walls he never painted and forcing me to pay extra money to throw out shit.
This time last year I would be upset at the loss of my cats, sick of the drama at great bay services, fearful of when I need to make sure the state and others know where I’ve moved and how much I’m paying, pissed that my mother told me she wanted to cure my son of autism, effectivley stealing my sense of safety from the home and forcing me to live out of my vehicle for fear that she may do something or influence me in a way I find abusive.
This time last year I would be superseding so much on an emotional front because I had to stay strong… There was no other choice. I would regret every decision in my life, right up to going to my masters degree program and bringing a child into this world, because I had failed so hard. I wasn’t a drug dealer or something else, so why should this have happened to me? I’d be angry at Nick for wasting so much of my time trying to get an apartment and he refused to get the ball moving, I’d be upset but unable to cry, I’d be haunted by my brother screaming in my face for making a mistake and him telling me it “felt therapeutic” to emotionally abuse me because he was unable to contain his own stress. I’d be resentful for the fact that I had to beg to move into my mothers house but they offered my brother to move in freely when I’m the one who has a child and he has 2 jobs.
Last year I celebrated thanksgiving about a week early because I didn’t want anything in the trash before moving (which is where it would have gone), and this year I’m throwing a huge feast in gratitude of where I am today. I know everything is saying 2016 has been the worst year ever for them, but that was 2015 for me. This year has been the year of recovery, and this is good news.