I just woke up from a horrible nightmare…I was 2 weeks pregnant and found out it was nicks kid, and my mom got a lawyer and met me at the church to attempt to make me keep it, and I lashed out and let her have it, letting jerk fault, and wanting to sue the lawyer too for pulling me into a false sense of security about motherhood when my son turned out autistic. I wanted to beat the shit out of her for how she treated me both this time and last time she found out I was pregnant. God I hate her…
I know people have been looking for a recent update. Know that I am okay, and will be blogging again soon. 5 day work week and making plans with friends left and right has kept be busy and requires a lot more down time – not to mention the guy I’ve been crushing on.
If I have the time and ability to tonight I’ll try to get everyone caught up. 👌🏻
It’s so hard to talk about anything right now… I’ve become increasingly more paranoid and hate being home. I’ve upped my medication and am back on Ativan to get me through the night, and just like before, I’m terrified to be home. My paranoia is through the roof, and I’m scared all the time. I wake up to hear plow truck at 4am and instantly get dressed to make sure my car isn’t being towed. I avoid the house if I see the landlords car or creep around to try and be undetected. I have the door locked at all times now, and am afraid of Ben is showing up. Kylie got her own apartment, and Ben hasn’t said a word since he “moved in with his mom because he’s not supposed to climb stairs”, when all the research I’ve read says the opposite. He also looked amazingly well when last I saw him since surgery. I hate being lied too, and I didn’t deserve this level of treatment, no matter what our histories. I ducking hate them with every ounce I’ve got, and find I’m talking to myself rehashing what I only wish I could say to them. They make me feel like it’s all my fault, and I hate them for it.
Destiny wants to move to Newmarket, and her husband wants to move and find a way to save money; me being with them would help that cause. My income tax return will be in soon too, which means I’ll have a car again and can afford to move.
Life is so tough right now… I hate it. Only thing I have to look forward too is friends. May be going to the Boston museum of science with Alex on Sunday. We’ll see what happens. As soon as the car is fixed I need to get childcare and increase to full time at work. It’s the only way at this point.
In full swing I have been pissed at Kylie, and rather than possibly projecting my inner child onto her, I’m not allowing guilt to conflict with my ability to utilize my anger as a tool for boundary setting. I made it absolutely clear that if she’s comfortable trashing the kitchen floor so everyone has to jump over the trash spewing out of the bin because it’s not Sunday night, then from now on she has no problem committing to cleaning the bathroom on certain days since she’s been exploiting and taking advantage of me for months by not lifting a finger and doing shit.
Because Ben was in on this conversation, he at least came downstairs and threw out what was on the floor, and agreed to wipe down counter tops, sweep floors, and will bring the trash out whatever day Kylie is not doing it and needs to be done, but he’s going in for spinal tap surgery today and will be gone for a week.
Thankfully Alex and Destiny have been helping me through this, and agree her level of immaturity is through the roof. Last I knew destiny and Kylie were still friends since we all worked at great bay, but twice in a row that destiny was at my house, Kylie ignored her. Destiny was unloading all the racism she and her boyfriend have to deal with since trump was elected, and to be treated with such disrespect was awful! She pried to pass it off as “I’m too old for this drama”, but it lingered 24 hours later. My guess is Kylie insisted on picking sides between Sarah P, and Destiny rather than allowing their conflict to be their own, and picked sides. They were still friends when Kylie and I were friends, and destiny has a conversation from a few months ago and everything was fine. I don’t get it, but that was a super shitty thing Kylie did.
Kylie also came home yesterday morning talking about how she got into an accident and wasn’t sure if she’d need a rental to get by, but as the story unfolded for each person she told (since she insisted on talking in the kitchen instead of her bedroom), the story subtlety changed until her mom showed up. It went from a vehicle spinning off and side swiping her to rear ending her. When I finally saw her car for myself there were 3 scratches and no dents in her bumper at all, nor anything on the side. Seriously, maybe I’m just getting too old for this level of drama too, but this is just crap. >.>’
Alex and I got some serious girl time in last night with tacos and tequila, and we’re rotating Tuesday nights. We were talking about how awesome it is we ended up being being friends, and got a serious amount of laughs and political discussion in. I needed it.
5am and I’m up from a god forsaken panic attack. This hasn’t happened since about September…. Fucking hell!!!
That was the first major panic attack I’ve had with that intensity in a long time. I was so narrow-visioned I couldn’t see beyond my emotion…. all I wanted was all my problems gone in one instant by solving it and moving on. Bastard of a landlord wants to tow my vehicle… soon as I get it jumped I’ll show him. As it stands it was supposed to be towed tomorrow but I can’t find the title… that’s $120 gone.
I just got back home, and Alex was kind enough to let me come over and decompress. We watched Inside Out, and funny enough Alex said: “My therapist told me to watch this.” All I could think of is how my therapist had talked about it too…. something about Disgust being so sassy I think? I can’t remember. It was a cute movie – exercise, tea time, a warm blanket, a friend, and cats were what I needed, and for the first time in what feels like ages, someone was actually there to support me in such a simple way with such a powerful impact while having an anxiety attack. The same thing I use to do with Kylie when she was having a panic attack I finally received in return.
In truth, I can’t feel that bad for her. Originally Aris tried to get me to feel bad for her as this poor transgendered woman who can’t come out of the closet and he’s trying to rescue her to garner my sympathy… Then a professor snapped me out of it when she saw I was sympathizing with someone who threatened my sense of safety as a brand new mom and painted me as crazy so Kai didn’t have to take ownership of her actions. Every store I walked into, she followed me. Every parking lot I crossed, she followed me, and she knew exactly where I’d be because Aris told her where I’d be. When Aris gave me a hug I watched her collapse to the ground and sob, hiding behind the bushes. Then next day he said I was crazy, she wasn’t stalking me, and the whole thing was a coincidence.
For my sense of safety, I’m glad she can’t come after me anymore. While a part of me is genuinely judgemental that I can’t look at her and feel bad, the comfort is I know others who do care enough about her to do so. At this point I refuse to call her a “him” because she doesn’t deserve that respect, and as sad as it is, I cannot mourn the loss of someone who hurt me so bad as a new mother, leaving me defenseless and weak. While I understand many trans people would say this is offensive, to those that read it and feel offended, that is their choice to personalize something that ultimately has nothing to do with them. To other trans people in my life, I use the pronouns they give and I respect them. I have no problem with the trans community and would gladly march by their side… as for Kai? This is perhaps the only dagger I have for someone who made me feel my life was on the line, and I will cling to it till I’ve moved on. Knowing the pattern of women Aris sets out for, I know she too was codependent and a victim in the end, but that doesn’t change or justify her actions or the fear she put into me. A part of me truly wants to mourn for her as say “poor thing”, but I need to learn to cling to and care about myself, and this is in part all I have.
Knowing the pattern of women Aris sets out for, I know she too was codependent and a victim in the end, but that doesn’t change her actions or the fear she put into me.
Looking at his text I’m calling bullshit. I know the only person he’s ever mourned the loss over is himself – like when I told him he was going to be a dad, and then when he cried because he begged me for an abortion and I told him I was going to leave him… Then he popped the question and asked me to marry him. >.>’ he told me he’s never cried over the loss of his grandfather or others he’s been close too, but the difference is he’s stoic, showing no emotion once that person is gone. In the context of grief work and narcissism, where my problem is I was shamed for grieving and didn’t know how to mourn my own losses, but mourned the loss of others, I have to wonder if he’s incapable of mourning the loss of others and only for himself. This was a huge red flag and a major warning sign when he told me he’s never cried over someone passing, and now I know why. I remember asking about this in therapy, but the answer was something about how everyone grieves differently.
Aris is truly terrifying in the context of things, and although I know why I fell for him, there’s another piece of me that still begs to ask… How did I ever fall for him? I ignored all the warning signs… I should have listened to that empathy, that intuition, that small panic inside my chest, but I didn’t. People warned me to stay away from him, but I found it strange that these people were all his friends, so they were all rejecting me, not him. This not to say that because I wish I’d never been with Aris as long as I was that I’m not thankful I’m a mom or a college grad, which all came about as a result, but I could have saved myself so much heartache instead of wanting him to save me. I truly do hate him. I also hate myself. I’m sure Kai hated herself too on some level… The women I’ve crossed paths with who have fallen victim to Aris all bare that likeness.
Somehow I see him as the predator he truly is now. I’m in shock.
It’s amazing to walk into work and everyone is all “Hey, Carol!” “Carol, how’s it going?” “Morning Carol! We still up for game night?” Even customers are all “how did you get into work? You need a ride home? How’s Syrus doing?”
Slowly, but surely, community is working its way into my life, and I in there’s. Supports are growing and people are starting to connect as friends and spiritualists. It’s nice being able to connect with people, and I’m hoping my love life turns around this year too. I’ve been talking to a few guys online, and one of them is into BDSM as well, which is a great chance for me to explore myself… He’s well built and lives in Hampton, so not too far away… but I’m not looking to rush into things. I still feel inadequate where I don’t have a car, but I know that has more to do with Aris implanting that insecurity more than anything. Still, stability and independence are also important. A car helps.
It’s moments like this where I love my life, and enjoy my job. I am blessed. For now I’m gonna make a list of ways to utilize the new moon approaching, and where it’s pay day I need more coffee. My cycle is coming soon because I’m sleeping WAY more and WAY earlier than I should. Like, 5pm, up around 7 or 8 for a bit, then back to sleep till 7. I doubt it’s work that’s killing me since I’m enjoying being back in the front end.
With the new moon approaching, I should make a list of ceremonies to conduct. Some resources have said the new moon in Aquarious is an excellent time for finding your twin flame, where other sources say this is great for grounding yourself since emotions won’t be running around and determination will be present. It’s an independent energy for long-term plans and excellent for manifesting. Personally I think a love spell and a spell for healing our nation is in order. I’ve never conducted a spell geared towards anyone other than myself, but something like a spell towards healing others is a great tool for teaching compassion. With me wanting to change my anger and control issues, I’m drawn to think of the compassion Buddhist meditations where you say “may you be happy, may you be well, may you have peace” mantra. Challenging myself to feel that energy and draw it towards a particular person is hard since it takes a lot to conjur those feelings, but with practice I should get better at it.
The trump crisis is scaring me, and people NEED to turn out in record numbers for midterms to stop trump. If it took 2 years of campaigning for our presidential elections then it should take just as much for this.
I’m tired of people feeling threatened by my ability to be a strong independent woman, and I’m tired of feeling like because I can’t be someone’s emotional band-aid 24/7, that makes me less valuable as a human being. Perhaps the anger people feel towards me is their own inability to nurture their wounds, and the moment they realize I have the ability to affect them too they lash out on me because they realize I’m human, not a constant source of nurturance so they don’t have to deal with their own bullshit. Perhaps I’m not a bitch, it’s just that people have a hard time with me standing on terra firma instead of treading someone else’s waters. It doesn’t make me a bad person, it makes me a normal human being. I’m ready to just give the world the middle finger but I know that’s not right… Is it?